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anita.
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April 28, 2025 at 2:23 pm #445195
omykParticipantI’ll begin with a brief self-assessment and then ask for your thoughts.
My goal is to create meaningful relationships, to find companions, fellows, friends.
I have been searching for this for some time and am trying to come to terms with my failure. I am 53, lost my Dad almost twenty years ago and my Mom seven years ago. Work took me away from family. I lost my wife almost four years ago.
I was searching for deeper friendships before my wife died. Her death enhanced my desire for more meaningful connections.
I made friends at work and we meet periodically. I made friends at my place of worship where i help out.
I tried dating, and the relationships that started fizzled.
I am grateful for the work friends, whom I see about once a month or two months. We usually discuss a book, which is kind of like work (I’m a teacher by day).
The relationships I formed in dating did not last. I started to wonder if I was dating just for the sake of dating, so I stopped for over a year now. I feel less stressed, but miss opposite-sex companionship.
I honestly did not enjoy dating app culture and do not want to return to it.
Daily life is usually okay and sometimes excruciatingly hard. I am raising a teenager on my own. It’s fine most of the time. It’s unbearable when things go wrong. I know context would help, but I am protective and don’t feel like saying more now.
I am trying to get to the bottom of my difficulty in forming deep friendships. And to get to the point, this is about truly loving another and others, and to truly be loved by them. Not just romantic love, but depth – someone you yearn to communicate with in some way, every day. Yearning, desire, not only sexual, maybe not sexual at all, maybe very personal. It is a huge deficit in my life. I feel respected, definitely – but am frustrated at repeated failures in sustaining true loving relationships.
(If you’re really supposed to get 8 hugs a day, I get 1 a week – maybe. That was not easy to share, though I figure I’m not alone).
I have to own my decisions to end the handful of romantic attempts of the last few years. I could have continued trying. And sometimes I was the one rejected and/or ghosted.
What has gone wrong? My assessment.
– Maybe I’m unpleasant or narcissistic or both and don’t know it.
– Maybe my willingness to express my emotions about grief and loss are hard for others.
– maybe people are busy with their lives and mean well and it has nothing to do with me
– Maybe love is rare and scarce and I was fortunate to have it when I did, for as long as I did
– Maybe I need to learn how to accept that this is as good as it is going to get and I should pour out thanksgiving if it happens to change at some point.I have read that loneliness is a scary epidemic in the world, especially in my native country. So maybe this is less about me and more about society, our rules and taboos, the way we construct idealized people in our minds, sometimes with the assistance of digital media.
One should learn from failure, so I keep trying, and am willing to try new things, inasmuch as my schedule permits it (and everyone is busy). At some point, when is the effort no longer worth it? I’m going to continue trying, but I am discouraged.
I welcome your thoughts.
Omyk
April 28, 2025 at 5:03 pm #445199
anitaParticipantDear Omyk:
Welcome back to the forums! From what you’ve shared across your various threads, it’s clear that you’ve been searching for meaningful relationships—true companionship, whether through deep friendships or romantic connections—but have struggled to find and sustain them in the way you desire.
Your self-reflection raises important questions about why this has been challenging, and while there’s no single answer, here are a few possibilities to consider:
* The weight of grief & life experience – Losing your wife, along with your parents years earlier, has given you a profound emotional depth. Because of this, your approach to relationships is likely thoughtful, introspective, and deeply personal. However, not everyone may be equipped or willing to engage at that same level. Some might struggle to connect with the emotional intensity of your experiences.
* High standards for connection – You’re not searching for casual friendships or surface-level relationships—you want deep, meaningful bonds built on mutual yearning. That level of emotional intensity is rare and takes time to cultivate.
* Mixed signals in dating – You’ve expressed a desire for companionship but also hesitated in your approach to dating, sometimes expressing interest and engagement, but at other times pulling back or hesitating. These pauses may make it difficult for potential partners to gauge where you truly stand.
* Lifestyle & priorities – Between single parenting, ministry, full-time work, and personal growth, your responsibilities leave limited time and energy for relationship-building.
* Social & cultural factors – You’ve noted that loneliness is widespread, suggesting that your challenge isn’t just personal—it’s part of a larger societal issue where genuine connection is harder to find.
* Internal conflict between love & independence – You’ve voiced both a longing for companionship and a sense of relief in being single. If that tension remains unresolved, it might create hesitancy in forming deeper bonds.
None of this means you’ve “failed”—it simply means that profound relationships take time, the right circumstances, and people who are equally ready for them. You are clearly thoughtful, intentional, and willing to continue seeking connection, and that alone makes you open to receiving meaningful relationships in ways you might not yet expect.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about the above 🙂
anita
April 28, 2025 at 7:13 pm #445201omykParticipantDear Anita –
I am deeply humbled by your response. Your response is filled with wisdom.
You mentioned emotional intensity twice. I think this is spot-on. I am clearly in a liminal space. It is a strange experience and I find it exhausting. I want to leave it and enter a new stage, but feel like I don’t know how to get out. And the exhaustion seems to be caused by my inability to learn how to move from one phase to the next.
It may be hard for me to accept that there aren’t many people who want to engage with someone as intense as me. That was really intuitive. I will reflect on that for a while.
The parenting issue is a constant struggle. I can only say I feel, which may or may not be true. But I feel as if my child rejects me more often than not. I have read a lot about parenting and have learned that it is a struggle for most. I am trying to learn how to refrain from asking too much from my child. The frequent expressions of indifference and outright rejection hurt. Counselors tell me to buck up and grow thick skin. Haven’t learned how to do that yet, either.
I don’t have answers and I don’t expect anyone else to, either.
But I am grateful for your thoughtful and empathetic comments. Thank you.
Omyk
April 28, 2025 at 8:01 pm #445202anitaParticipantDear Omyk: I am looking forward to read and reply to your post Tues morning (it’s Mon night here).
anita
April 28, 2025 at 11:00 pm #445208
AlessaParticipantHi Omyk
I would imagine because you are so busy, it would be difficult to develop new relationships?
Working two jobs and raising a child on your own is not easy. Where is room for following your own desires?
I learned to identify people who are comfortable with sharing more intense feelings. There are also social conventions in regards to sharing feelings. When forming new relationships it is generally preferred to slowly share more as you get to know someone.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with a lot of rejection from your child at the moment. Sadly, it is a phase they go through as they establish their independence.
I’m sorry to hear that you lost your parents, as well as your wife. That is a lot of loss in a relatively short period. Have you ever seen a grief counsellor? You are welcome to talk as much as you would like to about your grief here.
It seems like you have lost most of the people you were close to? Now, the relationship with your child is changing. It is not an easy thing you are going through at all.
I don’t think you are unpleasant or narcissistic at all. You are actually a really lovely person who is going through a tough time. ❤️
Please feel free to email if you would like to chat. 😊
As for making friends… because of the time limitations. I would recommend patience when meeting new people. A hobby group might be better if you are looking for new friends. It would cast a wider net being around multiple people at once. Personally, I find it much nicer to meet people organically as opposed to dating apps.
It takes time to develop strong relationships with people and no doubt they will have busy lives too.
April 28, 2025 at 11:12 pm #445209AlessaParticipantOh I forgot to include how to identify people who are comfortable with sharing deep emotions. I drop little nuggets of emotional stuff and see how they respond to it. If they respond well, I share a little more. It is a good way to understand people’s individual tolerance for sharing emotions.
April 29, 2025 at 7:48 am #445216anitaParticipantDear Omyk:
I really appreciate your openness in sharing what you’re going through. Your awareness of being in a liminal space—that in-between state of transition—makes a lot of sense. Change, especially emotional change, can feel exhausting when we know we need to move forward but haven’t yet figured out how.
Your insight about intensity and how it affects connection with others is powerful. I hope reflecting on it brings clarity rather than discouragement. Intense emotions don’t make you difficult—they make you deeply engaged with your own experience. Some people may struggle to meet that depth, but others will value it immensely.
Regarding your relationship with your child, I can feel the weight of your words. It’s deeply painful for a loving parent to feel rejected or indifferent treatment from their child, especially after loss. She may appear indifferent when in reality, she’s avoiding the pain of unprocessed grief in regard to her mother and grandparents.
She may be in a phase where independence feels like a priority, leading her to emotionally withdraw from you—not because she rejects you, but because she’s exploring autonomy.
I remember that you shared some time ago that your child was “completely uninterested” in keeping her mother’s belongings. There’s a difference between indifference that signals emotional withdrawal versus indifference that masks emotional difficulty. If her behavior stems from unresolved grief or personal struggles, she might not be rejecting you—she might just be processing things in her own way.
If there were pre-existing tensions or emotional disconnects before the loss of her mother, her current behavior might be a continuation of those dynamics rather than a direct rejection of you now..?
anita
April 29, 2025 at 10:52 am #445224omykParticipantDear Alessa –
Thank you for your kind words and insights. Depending on how one defines closeness in relationships, I would say I feel close to less than two people. I’m learning that parent-child relations are complex and my child’s current development into young adulthood (not there yet, but close) leads to separation. I am conscious of my own need to allow them to find their way, solve their own problems, manage their own affairs. I am close to one family member, a sibling, but they live far away. We communicate about once a week.
I do see a counselor and he has been enormously helpful. There is only so much he can do. I have to do the heavy lifting and feel like I’m at an important juncture in this journey. I will take you up on your suggestion of a wider net. That sounds very wise!
With gratitude –
Omyk
April 29, 2025 at 11:03 am #445225omykParticipantDear Anita –
Thank you. Yes, my child has communicated emotional withdrawal. I sense my own role shifting gradually and clearly, into someone who provides space as they manage more and more of their own affairs. There were complications before their mother’s death, and the impact it had on my relationship with them was inevitable (in terms of an impact).
One of the issues that has come into play for me is place. My current city of residence is based on employment, but I have no anchor here outside of my religious community. My late spouse and I had chosen and slowly renovated a retirement home in a small, but lovely community in our native region (we were both from the same general area). We spent a few summers there before the pandemic and I have owned the property since 2016. It was very hard to visit the place at first and I put it up for sale twice. There were no buyers on the first round, and I took it off the market after a few hours on the second round. It has become a haven for me – I visit it as often as I can. I have been strategizing ways to make the place my home base once my child begins their university studies – not easy because jobs in my primary field are scarce.
If I could make a choice on the basis of location, it would be this homey haven on the water, even though it’s by no means splashy or posh.
What are your thoughts on the significance of place? A friend of mine says that it would be better to have a small salary and live in the place that feels like home to you than to make more money and live in a community that doesn’t feel like home. One advantage to making the retirement home my main hub is that my brother lives nearby, and he is really the only person I feel close to besides my child. (Sad as that may sound, but i suspect true for many people).
With gratitude for you –
Omyk
April 29, 2025 at 12:06 pm #445226anitaParticipantDear Omyk:
I will read and reply to you in the next 20 hours 😊
anita
April 29, 2025 at 12:38 pm #445227
RobertaParticipantDear Omyk
It is good to see you are posting again.
Originally I was not going to post as I felt that what I had to suggest/say seemed off center, but then I read your last post about your haven & the advice your friend gave you.
I live in a small community about of about 2000, with small scale tourism being the backbone of our economy. Most days I go to a little outdoors cafe & there I get to meet all sorts of different people & ages, we chat about things big & small like death, politics history & the environment etc sometimes our conversations are silly & lighthearted, sometimes the conversation stretches over the people sitting at 3 or 4 tables. It is the forging of connection however brief that is important.
Maybe you could ask your child’s opinion about you spending more time at your haven with the possibility of relocating there before you retire. Find out if your child enjoys going there? What is the spiritual community like where your haven is?
Small is beautiful & often very welcoming.
Kind regards
RobertaApril 29, 2025 at 5:35 pm #445235omykParticipantDear Roberta –
These are great suggestions. I have discussed the possibility of relocating here with my child. They express support for me, but they do not want to live here. The brief time we lived here left them with some negative memories. I don’t know this for sure, but I suspect that the last memory of their deceased mother was from the summer we spent in this home right before she died. To their credit, they support my desire to relocate here at some point, and I have had opportunities to visit on my own time. The place has developed from a cell of raw pain to a haven of warmth and sabbath.
I have lived in many communities and am confident I can make it work in what was formerly the retirement home (apologies for the cliche). My child will govern their own destiny. I quietly hope they may approach this home in a new way on their own time.
Thank you for sharing your experience in your small touristy community. (Sounds familiar to me!). Your ability to forge connections and acknowledgement of its value is inspiring.
Warmly,
Omyk
April 30, 2025 at 9:57 am #445254anitaParticipantDear Omyk:
You are very welcome! You asked, “What are your thoughts on the significance of place?”- I think that the significance of place is deeply personal—it’s not just about geography, but about belonging, comfort, and emotional well-being.
It sounds like your retirement home has transformed from a space of pain to a sanctuary—a place where you feel grounded and connected to something deeper. And with your brother nearby, it offers more than just a familiar setting; it provides a link to meaningful relationships, which is rare and valuable.
Your reflections on closeness ring true. In today’s world, it’s common for people to feel deeply connected to only a handful of individuals. That doesn’t make it sad—it makes those connections all the more precious. If this place brings you peace, warmth, and a sense of home, then it seems worth exploring ways to make it your main hub when the time is right.
Would love to hear more about how you envision this transition unfolding.
anita
April 30, 2025 at 5:13 pm #445269omykParticipantDear Anita –
Thank you for following through on your promise to respond within 20 hours. That’s impressive! I’m able to deliver on a similar promise to students, but that’s pretty much it.
I need to think about my response. I’m at my haven now and do not get here very often. I did not mention that my wife is buried only 40 minutes away, and that seems to draw me here. I visited her burial site today and wept somewhat vigorously for part of the journey there. This is unusual…I am now typically calm when I go there.
In any event – more tomorrow.
Peace to you and yours.
Omyk
April 30, 2025 at 6:28 pm #445271anitaParticipantDear Omyk:
Thank you for your message. I truly appreciate that you’re taking time to reflect before responding.
I’m glad you’ve been able to spend time at your haven, and I imagine visiting your wife’s burial site must have stirred emotions in ways you didn’t expect. Grief has a way of evolving, sometimes catching us off guard, even when we think we’ve reached a steady place with it. I hope this visit brought you something meaningful, even in the intensity of it.
As for responding promptly, I make it a point to acknowledge people because I hate the idea of people’s posts being ignored on the forums. That’s why I always post a note when I intend to respond later—it’s important to me that people know their words are being heard.
Looking forward to hearing from you when the time feels right.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 