Dear Anita,

I find myself grieving the life I shared with my wife along with her. I did not have much of a family life in adulthood since I never lived in my hometown and my parents did not live into old age. I also moved frequently, living in five different communities because of school and work, so I never really anchored into a particular place. This seems to have advantages and disadvantages. Frequent moves make it hard to sustain lasting friendships. But they also facilitate detachment, which brings some freedom and autonomy. My wife’s unexpected death removed the only sustained deep friendship I had remaining.

One advantage to my retirement home is that I have been here occasionally for almost ten years. I know people here, and have my brother reasonably close. I also have a sense of the resources offered by the area. Another friend has been discouraging me from moving here because he thinks it is too remote, but he has never been here. There is a city of 90,000 40 minutes away, and a metropolitan area of 2+ million 90 minutes away. So I can plug into the cultural life offered by the city as needed and retreat to my quiet place afterwards.

I’m waiting to see what happens with my job over the next year or so. It might be possible for me to work remotely, so I live in my preferred place, and travel to the work site occasionally. This is feasible. Another alternative would be to gradually spend more time at my retirement home in the coming years. There are options, and I intend to explore them. Anchoring here and becoming a real part of the community is important to me. I think it is the only real solution to the loneliness problem.

But I want to be nimble, too, in the event an opportunity opens where I can provide a necessary service to a community in ministry. So we shall see what happens. The uncertainty is often difficult to bear, but it won’t be long before doors will either open or close.

Thanks for listening!

Omyk

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and life path here. Thanks to all of you!

Omyk

In response to everyone who posted here – I’m scared. Feel free to send good vibes or to pray, if you pray.

omyk

Dear Alessa –

Thank you for your kindness.

My friend who made the comment doesn’t live near me. I have seen him once in the last eight years, when I took my first vacation after my wife died. I stayed with him and his wife for a few days, they are about 25 years older than me. We communicate almost exclusively over e-mail. He has never been here or to my other home, though I have invited him, so he doesn’t really know the landscape.

My fear is based on how long I can keep my spirits elevated in a rather lonely life. So all can really do is live one day at a time. Tonight was an evening I normally look forward to, of ministry in my community, but I was unable to do it because of obligations driving my child to and from a performance.

With gratitude –

Omyk

Dear All –

I think I learned something important today, as I was able to return to ministry for the first time in two weeks. I have been in a liminal space since my wife died, one that has many factors – a child with two years left before university (who happens to excel academically), job insecurity, and my decision to take the next step in ministry. My contract expires the same year my child goes to university, and there is no guarantee that they will renew it, even though continuation is usually pro forma. So I had already experienced some radical changes, and more routine ones are coming.

I think all of this is the cause of the fear. Its not just a matter of being alone – I also have some financial insecurity.

I have been seeing the year my child leaves for university as a possible opening to make my own change – to move to the retirement home, or to the metropolitan area close to it. This will be the first major thing I have done alone since for over 30 years – maybe that is an added ingredient to the fear. (What happens if I don’t like it?). The decision to move forward in ministry is a good example. I knew that my religious community demanded celibacy, so I tried dating to see how it would go. I knew that there would be no chance to go in reverse if I decided to take on ministry, unless I risked being released permanently from my order. One of the lessons I seemed to learn during that time was that ministry was really important to me – more so than having a new partner. So, I stepped into that space, and figured that I would have second thoughts and some buyer’s remorse. That has happened, but it’s not nearly enough to cause me to really consider leaving the ministry. Right now, it is about the only thing I look forward to. The year-plus of celibacy has not been easy, but it is okay most of the time (not all). And I seem to be learning how to deal with it when it is not okay, when I miss having a partner who is also a lover.

Maybe the most concise way to express it is to say that I fear that the changes that are coming – some of which I am actively anticipating and even creating – will disappoint me, and that I won’t be able to handle them.

If I opt to go to the retirement home, I do have neighbors on my street, and I know two households quite well and get along with them. I would call one of the households friends, though we only see each other when I travel there. They were heartbroken when my wife died – they attended the funeral, cried throughout, and have been super supportive of me.

Today was a good day because resuming ministry energized me and gave me some courage to keep working towards taking steps that are for me and my life.

Roberta, I think you’re spot-on about ministers. I have discussed a similar issue with my counselor. He has pointed out that it has been my duty and task to take care of others for many years now, and to act in ways that pleased them. he has gently urged me to learn how to please myself. It sounds so easy, but it’s the hardest thing in the world to do, for some reason. Maybe unlearning habits is super hard.

Thanks for sending me good energy and prayers. much love to you all.

Omyk