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Crushed by mid-life breakup

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  • #419169
    Tim
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hello all. First post here, sorry if this is a little long. </p>
    <p class=”p3″>I’m 44 and my partner, 40, broke up with me in February. She said she needed space at the time and we agreed to remain friends. Five days later she said she couldn’t do it and told me we needed to end contact for at least the time being. I was devastated but always figured we’d get back together. I broke contact a few times until she told me in April that we were done and she was moving on (not sure if she was just trying to get me to leave her alone). My heartbreak plus depression & anxiety (I had just recently weaned off my meds….bad timing!) caused me to lose my mind for three days. I sent her numerous text messages, voicemails, emails, reached out to friends and family. Nothing angry or negative but it was still very bad. In retrospect, I believe she was my first true love and I just handled it really poorly. I’m trying to give myself grace but I know I scared her and hurt her deeply. I’ve been in no contact since then (almost 2 months). </p>
    <p class=”p3″>Our relationship wasn’t perfect but it was very strong. We were so compatible, loved each other deeply, were fully open, honest, and vulnerable. Intimacy was off the charts amazing. Our kids got along with each of us and each other. It just felt like we were building the perfect family. </p>
    <p class=”p3″>It wasn’t all perfect. We both brought baggage into the relationship. She had abandonment issues from her childhood and I had endured a rough marriage with a difficult ex. She has also been cheated on in her marriage. We both dealt with anxiety. Mine was elevated at the end of the relationship due to custody and financial issues (which have been resolved since then). I had a higher level of stress and anxiety over the last few months and I think I pushed her away, along with acting needy.  We were both very independent people and I’m sure this pushed her away. She also occasionally complained of me not doing the little things to show I care, though I was making an effort to do more of it. I think at some point I took her for granted a little that she would always be there, even though I still made an effort to show her love and care. She was also dealing with some health issues and the start of menopause. </p>
    <p class=”p3″>Since the breakup I’ve started to reinvent myself into the man I want to be. I’ve lost 30 pounds, taken up running, started volunteering, making new friends, exploring my spirituality. I’m making great strides every day, even though I still hurt. </p>
    <p class=”p3″>My question is do you think there is a chance my ex could return given she once loved me so deeply? I know I blew it with my actions after the breakup but I do hope she can eventually see this was due to heartbreak and mental health. </p>
    <p class=”p3″>Thank you. </p>
     

    #419171
    Tim
    Participant

    Also, sorry about the formatting! Not sure what happened there

    #419173
    Tim
    Participant

    fixed formatting:

    Hello all. First post here, sorry if this is a little long.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m 44 and my ex partner, 40, broke up with me in February. She said she needed space at the time and we agreed to remain friends. Five days later she said she couldn’t do it and told me we needed to end contact for at least the time being. I was devastated but always figured we’d get back together. I broke contact a few times until she told me in April that we were done and she was moving on (not sure if she was just trying to get me to leave her alone). My heartbreak plus depression & anxiety (I had just recently weaned off my meds….bad timing!) caused me to lose my mind for three days. I sent her numerous text messages, voicemails, emails, reached out to friends and family. Nothing angry or negative but it was still very bad. In retrospect, I believe she was my first true love and I just handled it really poorly. I’m trying to give myself grace but I know I scared her and hurt her deeply. I’ve been in no contact since then (almost 2 months).</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Our relationship wasn’t perfect but it was very strong. We were so compatible, loved each other deeply, were fully open, honest, and vulnerable. Intimacy was off the charts amazing. Our kids got along with each of us and each other. It just felt like we were building the perfect family.
    </p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>It wasn’t all perfect. We both brought baggage into the relationship. She had abandonment issues from her childhood and I had endured a rough marriage with a difficult ex. She has also been cheated on in her marriage. We both dealt with anxiety. Mine was elevated at the end of the relationship due to custody and financial issues (which have been resolved since then). I had a higher level of stress and anxiety over the last few months and I think I pushed her away, along with acting needy.  We were both very independent people and I’m sure this pushed her away. She also occasionally complained of me not doing the little things to show I care, though I was making an effort to do more of it. I think at some point I took her for granted a little that she would always be there, even though I still made an effort to show her love and care. She was also dealing with some health issues and the start of menopause.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Since the breakup I’ve started to reinvent myself into the man I want to be. I’ve lost 30 pounds, taken up running, started volunteering, making new friends, exploring my spirituality. I’m making great strides every day, even though I still hurt.
    </p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>My question is do you think there is a chance my ex could return given she once loved me so deeply? I know I blew it with my actions after the breakup but I do hope she can eventually see this was due to heartbreak and mental health.
    </p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you.</p>

    #419184
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Tim

    I am sorry that your relationship came to an end. You appear to have learnt a lot and have take good steps to improve your physical & mental wellbeing.

    I guess you keep on looking after yourself for yourself and not with the goal of getting the lady back & I hope she is doing the same. Maybe you could wait until Christmas before you approach her by sending her a card maybe thanking her for the good things that she brings to this world & wishing her well for the future.  She may of course reach out to you in the meantime.

     

    #419186
    Tim
    Participant

    Thank you. I think that is a good idea. She did tell me she didn’t want me to contact her but I think eventually enough time would have passed by then.

    initially I was scared I would lose her to someone else. Now I’m more scared that if I get rid of all hope, that I’ll lose the last part of me that is still attached to her.

    Our bond was so strong and special that I guess I struggle with the thought that it all ended like this.

    #419198
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tim

    I’m sorry to hear about the break up. It sounds like you were both under a lot of pressure then with mental health, withdrawal, financial, custody, physical health issues and menopause going on.

    Do you think that all of the stress caused some issues to develop in the relationship? My husband and I for example tend to argue more frequently when we’re stressed. You mentioned being more needy, when you were usually both independent. This is one thing you noticed? Was there anything else you can think of?

    It’s honestly hard to say what will happen in the future. It hasn’t been that long since the break up. Since she has requested no contact, it’s for the best to respect her wishes. Especially with the break down at the end. It’s really up to her to get back in contact if she chooses.

    It’s good to hear that you’ve managed to form lots of positive habits even though understandably you’re still hurting from the break up. It’s very hard when you loved someone deeply. I hope that every day gets a little easier for you.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    #419199
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi and thanks for replying.

    We didn’t really argue very much but I do know I was wrapped up in temporary external issues sometimes and perhaps she felt maybe taken for granted a little sometimes? But I think she also knew I loved her deeply. I only really noticed her pulling away over the last few weeks so I think whatever caused her to leave happened relatively quickly.

    I’m definitely going to give her all of the space the needs, even if that is forever. It hurts to think I won’t get to talk to her again but I’m slowly coming to terms with it. Then again, it’s only been a few months and she may need much more space before feeling ready to reach out, if she does. I love her unconditionally and it saddens me to see her hurting.

    one thing I mentioned to my therapist today was her abandonment issues (her father checking out after divorce and her husband leaving her for another woman years ago). He said that people with such trauma often will leave relationships when they sense trouble so as not to be abandoned again. I feel like this may explain some of it, though I just don’t know.

    another thing that bothers me is that perhaps she feels like things ended so poorly that she would never want to revisit it. I know she knows I still love her and hopefully she knows I am not mad at her.

    #419208
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tim

    It’s good to hear that you’re speaking to a therapist about it. It’s such a difficult situation when there’s not really closure. It sounds like she wasn’t communicating clearly what was going on for her internally until things felt too much.

    We all hope the person we love sticks by us when things get tough. You have a very kind and loving heart. Still thinking of her in the sweetest ways. ❤️

    #419210
    Tim
    Participant

    Thank you. Yes, closure would help, just to know  what she is thinking. I’m hoping I’ll hear from her, even if it is years down the road. I will have moved on by then but I really can’t bear the thought that my post breakup meltdown will be our last communication.

    I thought she was my soul mate (and I thought she felt the same way, at least for much of the relationship). I guess that is what has hurt the most, though I’m moving past it.

    #419211
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tim

    You need to forgive yourself for that. What happened was so unexpected and sudden. You were in shock and not in a good place. People do make mistakes when they’re under huge amounts of stress. You sound like an incredibly caring guy. I’m sure she remembers that is who you are.

    I hope that like you, she can see the good that you had in your relationship and not define what you both had by the end of it. Like you said, she was hurting. It sounds like she was struggling more than you realised at the time.

    Perhaps this is the answer to what happened? Simply that she couldn’t cope with all of the stress and whatever was going on internally?

    #419212
    Tim
    Participant

    Yes. I always told her what a strong woman she was. She would tell me she really wasn’t when I’m fact she was. She just couldn’t see it. She is a great person, wonderful mother, a friend to so many people, has a good career. I think at her heart maybe the stress and her history just brought her down.

    I’m hopeful that she will reach out when she is ready. I’m still scared that she won’t.

    #419213
    Tim
    Participant

    I’ll add that I’m trying really hard to let go of the hope that our story has another chapter one day. I don’t think that hope is helping me at all. I’m just really struggling to get rid of it completely.

    #419214
    Tim
    Participant

    And thank you for your kind words. At the time of my breakdown I didn’t sleep for a week and lost 10 pounds in a few days. I never experienced such pain, not even after the death of my parents. It felt like I wasn’t even in control of myself. It was truly a scary feeling.

    #419216
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Tim

    There is a difference between being strong and being good. If some one says to you, you are strong and and when you reply that you are not. Surly you might feel that you are not being listened to and actually being seen as strong is a burden because how then can you ask for help?

    #419217
    Tim
    Participant

    I know. I wish I can been more aware of this at the time. Perhaps she felt as if I was dismissing her and not hearing her. I didn’t mean it in that way. There are a lot of things I’d like to be able to go back and do differently. But I know I can’t and I need to forgive myself.

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