June 8, 2016 at 6:58 pm #106758
Hey there, so I just wanted to come here and see if maybe anyone can give me some insight into how to deal with my situation. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we may have our difference in personality which we can cause fights and arguments every now and then but for the most part I’m happy and love him very much. He’s a great guy but the one thing that I still haven’t really …accepted or gotten used to I guess.. Is that he’s highly confident but not even confident it’s more crossing the line to arrogance and possibly narcissistic . I’ve looked up traits of those who are narcisiitc and I can check off probably 80% of that list . It has been a main cause in most of the fights we get into that I initiate. It’s either something he says or does that just triggers me. I just don’t know how to respond or react to someone like him because I have never had any friends who are “cocky” it’s a huge turn off to me. He will stare at himself in the mirror constantly. And truly thinks he’s Brad Pitt. It makes me feel unappreciated. I just want to learn to love him for all his good and bad even his cockiness. He went to a wedding recently and I asked him oh anyone interesting I’m sure a lot of pretty girls kinda laughing about it and he’s like nah none of them are good enough for me Im too good for them. Idk maybe I’m overly sensitive but it’s an odd response . I said okay well I probably would have said oh no none compare to you.
Anyways just any insight or advice I would truly appreciate . I want to be happy wi him and not let the arrogance ruin me and my confidence as well.June 8, 2016 at 7:05 pm #106762
He may be hiding a deep inferiority belief about himself. Ask him gently about his childhood and observe his interactions with his parents and siblings. You may learn things that will amaze you.
anitaJune 8, 2016 at 7:07 pm #106763
Hey M – you just wrote the same thing Ive been meaning to ask advice on! I wish I had more of an outsiders response but unfortunately, my bf is a bit like yours! I guess I can ask, overall does he make you feel loved, appreciated and compliments? And what does he say when you point these things out to him? From my standpoint, my partner doenst state how good looking he is but rather, how his ways is ALWAYS the right and the best way. Most time it feels as though Im always the one to compromise and it gets draining. Is this how you feel as well?June 8, 2016 at 7:30 pm #106770
Thanks Anita and Jane for responding . Yes Anita I actually know his family pretty well it’s kind of a personality trait of theirs to be more superifical . My mom taught me the opposite so that’s something we differ in personality wise. I’m not sure if he is truly insecure I have mentioned and asked in the past and he just says he’s not cocky but is very confident. He personally says he doesn’t understand what I mean.
Jane yes he does compliment me and tell me I’m beautiful and great . But a lot of the time the other things can mask that. He also does always think he is right about everything and if I care too much or am hurt by something he calls me overly sensitive. Idk if your boyfriend is like that with you as well but it can be very draining like you said to deal with someone who will never accept their own flaws or just being wrong.
And again he does compliment me but his behavior is so the opposite. As dumb as t sounds it’s like a vibe he lets off as if he’s better. And a lot of the time he likes to control what I do. Or makes fun of something I do. It’s extremely draining and sad also because it’s making me forget the good parts of him.
And it’s not even like I’m worried anything will happen with him and anyone else , I get a lot more attention from the other sex than he does. I just approach confidence as an inner thing that’s my own and when I feel good I’m good I don’t flaunt it or behave like he does. So it’s hard since we are different in that way. A guy could come up to me in front of him, hit on me, tell me I’m gorgeous and he wouldn’t give it a second thought hahaJune 8, 2016 at 7:55 pm #106774
At least you get compliments, I seldom do which makes me feel like complete crap. Since you mentioned that you know his family pretty well and its in their traits then its something he cannot or will be hard to change and only he can do that. Do you feel he can or has he said he said he is willing to work on it? Also, may I ask you if your arguments blow so out of context that you discuss splitting up? Recently my my partner and I had a argument where he said he wanted to breakup, we ended up hashing it out and decided to remain together but now things are sensitive leaving me wondering what I should do. Just wondering if this causes arguments to this degree. Thanks for listening to me too!June 8, 2016 at 8:05 pm #106775
Of course Jane we can only help each other. And that’s so sad he doesn’t compliment you at all. I mean your confidence should always be within you but of course your partner should uplift you and make you feel beautiful as well. It goes both ways.
And We have had some intense fights in the past usually drunk ones . But end up communicating and talking it out.
But I think you should talk to him about the compliments and see what he says. Being open is the best thing you can do. Especially if it makes you feel bad. That’s what I did with my bt I told him when he get cocky it makes me feel bad makes me feel inferior and I shouldn’t feel that way with anyone especially my partner. Was your almost break up about the compliment thing or something else?June 9, 2016 at 7:05 am #106789
Also another thing I wanted to mention about my situation is that when the person is selfish it’s makes them even more insensitive to you and your feelings . Because they don’t agree with how you feel about something they make it less important like oh that’s so stupid to be upset or sad about that just laugh it off etc. and that makes me feel very unheard. And to label me as crazy for it makes me hurt even more. I have my moments I’m not perfect I can over react like any normal human being would to things that only I find upsetting . But to make label me crazy for that is ridiculous. And when we fight and I say oh okay I’m just crazy sorry so on, he will reply like ya see now you understand why are you like that … Idk haha someone please help!June 9, 2016 at 11:57 am #106812
Your boyfriend is mistreating you. When he puts down what you think and feel, he is mistreating you. When he discounts you, he is mistreating you. So him being arrogant is one thing, him mistreating you is another.
In other words, if he sends the message to you and to the world: I am confident and I am great, that is one thing. When he sends you the message: I am right and you are wrong; I am great and you are a lesser being, that is mistreatment.
anitaJune 9, 2016 at 1:03 pm #106816Trevor SmithParticipant
huhJune 9, 2016 at 1:38 pm #106818SeaislandParticipant
M–I am concerned, 3 years is a pretty long time. You see he and his family as arrogant. Your Mom taught you better values. You sound like a kind likable empathetic person.
If you look ahead and think about having a family with him-what conflicts do you see with raising children…. would you be comfortable with him being the father of your children and raising them with you. This personality trait of his could be a lot more than annoying when your children look to you both for guidance.
Be good to yourself.
best of luck
SeaislandJune 9, 2016 at 1:54 pm #106820
Hey M- Him calling you crazy is a way out for him and his behavior and his way of turning the tables on you to make you feel guilty or the bad guy! And you lashing out is probably built up anger and resentment only due to his arrogance. Such a vicious cycle. Have you two seek counseling?
Our argument wasnt compliment based. He blow up on me for “nagging”. It was something that he did that I felt could have been more efficient so I called him out on it and because he rarely admits hes wrong, I keep going on with it wanting him just to admit he was wrong. Perhaps that was a little overboard on my end but I now realise that its because of ways that I have such anger towards him. Im really an easy going person and I try to be patient but in time that wears thin. I’ve come to learn that I either have to learn how to better communicate with him, accept that he is the way he is so I have to learn how to handle my reaction or just accept that our energies are suited for each other and to move on.June 19, 2016 at 5:01 pm #107697
Hey Jane , yes thanks to everyone for responding. Sorry it took so long for me to write back but yes I have the same issue as you I have always been a very calm peaceful person. It takes a lot to get me anger but I realized in my relationship with him Ive become an angry person. Most of the time I feel like im talking to a wall. Completely unheard. hes so into himself and cares only about himself that he wont every empathize with someone else. The other day I actually came to him and told him how I was bothered that he never said anything to me about my concern with a family problem. And instead of just hearing me he actually got upset at me for bringing it up and was saying how im so dramatic and need to just get over things. IN turn it makes me always feel so guilty because I dont like to upset other people but I dont see why me coming and saying hey last night i was so worried about my family etc and him just sitting there being completely quiet then falling asleep bothered me. If its not something that affects him personally he could care less. It worries me becuase I am very empathetic but hes not and he even admits to it and says well Im just not like that. I feel stuck and not sure what to do. And its funny because everytime he has had a problem I have always been there to talk to him and give him advice and say words that are positive. But I dont think he even appreciates that . He cares more about what he looks like in the mirror than his partner hurting. I truly feel lonely in my relationship.June 19, 2016 at 7:12 pm #107709
It may be time to end this relationship. You are very clear about him being not empathetic to you and disrespectful of you (dismissing your feelings)… well these two things, how can you do without them? And should you try to do without these fundamental things: empathy and respect in a relationship?