Dealing with someone who doesn't want to be with you..

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Stephanie 6 years, 4 months ago.

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    I have always been a relationship kind of gal. I’ve jumped from one to the next until my relationship dynamics changed when I met someone very special. He is 8 years older than me. We were committed for a year, but I broke it off because I felt like I was putting in more effort than him. He was struggling through life and was focused on finding what makes him happy and passionate as well as what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

    After that, we continued to see each other and another year went by with more complications between us that we both became strengthened from. Now, I am in college 8 hours away from him but I still see him back home on breaks and he recently just came up here to visit me. We both love each other but he doesn’t want to commit until he figures his life out and doesn’t want to deal with the distance between us. I have tried getting over him multiple times to no avail and whenever we see each other it’s like nothing changes. I love him too much to let him go and am afraid that if I do, I will never find someone who makes me feel the way he does.

    I know I can’t keep being whatever we are because I will always want more, but I don’t know if I can (or want to) let him go either. How can I keep him in my life without feeling depressed that I can’t be in a relationship with him?



    I think there are a couple separate things going on here. First, you want more than he does out of a relationship. He has made that very clear. And he really has no incentive to do anything because right now he gets to be with you when he feels like it, and when he doesn’t he’s busy “figuring things out”. I’m not saying this to be cruel, but I strongly suspect that “figuring things out” includes dating other women. So, the real question is- is that what you are willing to put up with in this relationship, because he has no intention of changing.

    Second- I think you need to look after you and not have him in your life if you truly can’t accept that he will never commit. That would mean cutting off contact with him completely because you will not be able to start healing if he is bouncing in and out when he wants to. Immerse yourself in your college life and enjoy. Meet friends, go to games and plays and concerts, meditate and spend some alone time to learn that you can exist and be OK even when you’re not in a relationship. And look at some of the blogs on this about relationships and also about changes and challenges. They give some great insightful ideas on things to help you keep balanced and work through the hurt.


    Buddhist Wife

    I think Jeff has some great points.

    It seems to me that you can’t have him in your life the way you feel about him right now and that a break would do you a great deal of good.

    I think you have to focus not on having a life without him, but what your life might be like if you keep putting all your energy into sustaining this relationship and keeping him in your life.

    From the little that you have told me, he seems somewhat selfish and immature. You’ve already told us he is unfocused and doesn’t know what he wants from life. If he is 8 years older then you he must be approaching 30 which is pretty old to be so directionless. Those sort of characteristics are easier to tolerate when you are young and have lots of opportunities ahead of you, as you do, but they are a nightmare when you are older and you want a partner who will settle down or even marry and have children.

    Perhaps instead of viewing this situation as loosing someone you love, look at it as letting go of a painful situation in order to find someone that you can build a proper life with. Maybe you could try viewing it as a process of removing obstacles for a more positive future.

    I hope that you find some peace of mind with this situation.



    Jeff has some very valid points. If you are honest with yourself, do you love him or the aspect of the relationship? You stated you are worried you won’t find someone makes you feel the way he does. It sounds as though he makes you feel a bit more insecure and frustrated, however he done’st make you feel lonely because he’s always “around”. What if… what if (ok really there are) there are other men out there who are willing to participate in a give and take relationship? Going through college and figuring out who you are is a gift, please take advantage of that and see you are worth investing in. You are worth investing in yourself, and you are worth having another man invest in you. You are… please say it with me ” I am worth it”.

    Somethign else to consider is that how will this affect your other relationships? This sounds like your first serious relationship, whether you two find each other again down the road remains to be seen. If you hang on to this unstable relationship, it may change the way you view your other relationships. You may take on the belief that this is okay and being strung along and kept in the dark is alright. When you meet someone who is willing to give you what you need in a relationship, you can either learn from this experience or if can leave you insecure and doubtful. Don’t let this set the stage for your future endeavors.

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