February 8, 2014 at 5:35 am #50548
I chose to be with wrong people not once but twice in my relationships. And I can’t express how much the guilt of this mistakes eat me inside out. I feel like I’m a dumb who is still not mature, with lack of sensibility to choose the right person.
Just spoke to one of my good friends who knows about my life; and she said some words that shook me again. She said that it’s me who’s committing mistakes again and again. The problem is with me. That I’m a person who cannot live alone (not made to live alone). God!! Don’t wanna spend this weekend blaming myself while I’m in the process of recovering from all of it. Low self-esteem, guilt, mistakes, wrong choices, wrong paths, God please forgive me for I only knew that I cannot be lying to myself and others in the relations.
Missing my family so much at this stage 🙁February 8, 2014 at 7:08 am #50549
I’m so sorry for your suffering, and know how painful life can be at times. Don’t despair, dear friend, because as chaotic as it looks now, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we don’t love ourselves deeply, we become unstable and make all sorts of dumb decisions. The lucky ones learn from their mistakes and grow. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find a path of balance and joy. We’re born with a few instincts, but rely on our parents and teachers to show us the ropes. Consider it takes us a long time to learn the alphabet, counting, history…. and it takes a long time to figure out balance. Its tricky! So, you screwed up… it happens. You only feel guilt because you have a great heart, and it doesnt want to do harm. Also consider that your decisions were based out of lonesomeness, not malice. Your heart ached, and you looked in unskillful places to find warmth, connection. You’re not the only one, sister, most of us have.
Consider that a simple solution to your puzzle is perhaps accepting that you were lonely, made choices that you don’t want to go through again, but that loneliness is natural, usual, part of us. Nothing to be ashamed of. So, for your sake, instead of wandering around getting hurt because of it, find a more skillful way of feeling warm and connected. Said differently, you can turn that guilt right into the momentum of healing, so you don’t fall into those patterns ever again, for your sake.
This can be done through self nurturing, such as being kind and gentle with yourself. I know that you’ve been told to be strong, but being strong is also seeing when our body needs care, and going through the effort to see it done. Said differently, it may be seen as a “weakness” to “need to” hop in the tub and let the warm water comfort us, let our body and mind unravel and relax. However, when we see we’re in grief, it is actually quite strong when we make space. Bathing, meditation, yoga, walks in nature, soft music… or whatever helps you unwind, be at peace, settle. You have a tender body, a gentle mind, and your loving care for yourself is needed. It will help settle the loneliness, the longing for home… because you’ll already be there!
You act like you don’t deserve that forgiveness, as though your fumbling makes you unlovable. So you plead and beg, but its not like that at all. You’re a being of love, and its all around you. When we do dumb things our view gets cloudy, and produces icky feelings (guilt, shame, envy). There is nothing about you or your mistakes that make you less than… you simply are. A beautiful child, learning and growing, doing your best to find joy and home, just like the rest of us. 🙂
MattFebruary 8, 2014 at 7:34 am #50550
Thank you so much for your words Matt…. It really helped me. And I am trying to enjoy small things around me.
But comes a time when I feel the lack of someone by my side. Just spoke to mom and invited her to visit me; but she says it’s not possible. I just don’t want to fall into any other mistake again. I promise I will be much much stronger and a confident person. I realize the fact that I need to be on my own first (emotionally). Nobody can take care of me if I don’t take care of me.
I know this is not the right time to think and plan to settle with someone; because I’m too weak and not yet healed completely. But it scares me to even think of having to share the roof with another person; in other words – to trust any other person. I hope time will take care of it.February 8, 2014 at 9:32 am #50551
Your mistrust is understandable, both for yourself and for others. It will heal in time, as you become a better friend to yourself. Then if mom can’t come, that’d be fine, because your own arms know how to bring comfort.
Perhaps consider some loving kindness meditation, if youre not sure how to self soothe. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided meditation that helps the body rest, and the mind become smooth and peaceful. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube if interested. Good luck!
MattFebruary 9, 2014 at 1:48 am #50567February 9, 2014 at 1:55 am #50568CharlotteParticipant
I think I understand quite well the feelings you are experiencing. I have had an almost constant feeling of guilt for around a year because I wasn’t true to myself in my last relationship. Not listening to ourselves, naturally gives rise to feelings of shame and guilt, is my experience.
But these feelings can disappear when acknowledged.
I no longer feel that guilt when I am by myself because I am not running away from it. I have welcomed the guilt and shame in my heart. When I stopped surpressing the guilt I felt and let it in, it disappeared. Letting it in can feel scary as hell but it really isn’t that scary – it’s more the thought of it, which seems scary. It might be painful at first but then it makes space for selfcompassion and learning. What I realized is that underneath that guilt and shame is actually someone(yourself) hungering for your love and attention. Not giving oneself that love, hurts.
As soon as you stop fighting the guilt and acknowledge it, welcome it, and meet it with love, it cannot survive inside of you. That’s an amazing realization and relief! Meditation helped me to experience this. Welcoming all my feelings, even the ones I thought ugly, to be inside of me, gave a feeling of spaciousness and peace. Actually I did not know that I had so much resistance towards really feeling the guilt I thought I felt. I didn’t feel it directly until I deeply acknowledged it.
I hope that what I wrote might help you dealing with the feelings you have. But don’t worry – you’ll be perfectly alright.
A big hug,
CharlotteFebruary 10, 2014 at 11:16 pm #50743
Thanks guys….I’m becoming stronger with each day passing; just sometimes I get hurt/sensitive when there are clashes of opinions from my family.
My mom is weak emotionally. And she is worried how will I spend my life alone; for sure she will prompt me to get married to some guy; and I’m not at all ready for it; rather I don’t if I will ever be.
I told her that I would need her to be at my place for me to get the house painted. And she was quiet. Because what she will say to society..why is she visiting me….This society thing freaks me out, hurts me to see that my mom is bothered more about the society than me? Is she so weak like that? From here I get one of my answers….’I better be on my own; else I will be weaker and it will lead to another wrong decision in life’.
Whom should I talk to so? I don’t have many friends and I can’t keep sharing each and everything with them that goes on inside me. Plus, they also have different views …’get married’…pheewww… too much for my mind.
Really, thank you all for replying and extending your support in giving me strength I need in this hour.February 11, 2014 at 6:53 am #50757
There is freedom in recognizing that we bring our light, others can only offer their perspective. Your mom, your friends and so forth are caught in their own expectations and fears, so your feet are the only ones prepared to walk your path. For instance, perhaps its not “you” vs “society”, but rather mom thinks happiness is through society, and so in trying to get you to conform she is trying to see you happy. Parents often think they know better, know best. So do friends.
But when they don’t, when they push us in a direction we don’t want to walk, its a good time to accept their advice as lovingly intended, in their own way, and then go in the direction we wish to walk anyway. No need to judge them, or follow their direction… just follow your heart. As far as who to talk to, consider perhaps a therapist. Here is fine too, but if there is more you need to sort through than you feel comfortable sharing publicly, finding a neutral and skillful ear may help better than friends or family.