July 31, 2021 at 5:51 pm #383833
How to start..
My girlfriend decided to make a break in the relationship almost one year ago. It was complicated situation because due to my behavior but also many changes in his life like covid in her job, her family.. it brought depression.
We were in a 7-year relationship. We live in 2 different countries so it was long distance relationship.
Time have passed without seeing each other for one year and a half. I solved my problems, getting better and better and she acknowledged these changes. Since january we rebuilt communication and we returned with complicity again and talked all the time every moment and it was going good because she was also going better.
But since one month and half, it got worse again. Little by little, there was less communication but she still shared many things and was looking forward we could meet.
I finally learnt that she made another depression. It seems this time to be more related to her work as she was extremely affected by the covid, several doctors died in her service, and didn’t see her family since 3 years. But in fact I really don’t know the intensity of her condition.
Our problem was that originally the break was for 6 months but we couldn’t meet. We exchanged all the time by text. But the covid didn’t let us meet due to restrictions.
Before her depression she was looking forward meeting, she also told me to not let her down, continue my change.
When she got her second depression and I finally got my vaccine and she too, I told her I was going to come to help her, be present for her.
She told me we were going to talk about it. Seemed positive for me at first but then the day after she told me we have to talk and told me we will go our separate way, that she doesn’t think we will come back together or that my changes are not enough.
She all decided this without seeing and actually didn’t me since 1 year and a half.
In her last messages she told me some things that could mean she is still deep in depression such as she wants I am happy, doesn’t want I suffer..
She also told me she is always here for me as a friend or that she is here whenever I need to talk. While it seems opposite because she need it.
I don’t understand her reaction after time we spent to rebuild relationship. And just one week before we were still sharing and she told me that she was looking forward to speak (in language I learnt a mothertongue).
I believe issue could be related to her condition. Issue is also we haven’t met since 1 year and a half due to covid.
Last chance will be now to meet her to make space for her in the flat we were sharing. It will maybe some opportunity to speak more, redevelop feelings and being close physically after 1 year and half could change because all these problems were by distance.
She would see how I am and I could see her. But if she has a severe depression, it would require time.
It will depends how we speak and if she tell me she needs time or if she really made her decision.
Otherwise I will need to make her space but by being supportive but also leaving her space (it’s true that before we talked everyday so it was like she had the responsibility to keep the communication) that could lead to return together when she will be better.
After telling you this story, I wanted to hear your point of view. If someone experience depression or anything I would be happy to share.
Thanks!July 31, 2021 at 8:39 pm #383857
I will read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I return.
anitaAugust 1, 2021 at 6:31 am #383870
Thank you !August 1, 2021 at 6:38 am #383871
You shared that you were in a 7 year long-distance relationship partly because she was depressed, partly because of some of your behaviors. Approximately in August 2020, she decided to take a break from the relationship. Four months later, in January 2021, the two of you were communicating. By June, you “talked all the time every moment and it was going good because she was also going better“, but then “it got worse again. Little by little, there was less communication“, you figured it was so because she was depressed regarding her work, and “she was extremely affected by the covid, several doctors died in her service, and didn’t see her family since 3 years“.
Next, the two of you (living in different countries, haven’t seen each other in a year and a half) got vaccinated, you suggested to visit her and be present for her during her current depression. First she was somewhat open to the idea, but then she told you: “we will go our separate way, that she doesn’t think we will come back together or that my changes are not enough”, and that “she wants I am happy, doesn’t want I suffer.. she is always here for me as a friend“.
You are expecting to meet her in-person in a flat the two of you shared in the past, and you are hoping that it will be an “opportunity to speak more, redevelop feelings and being close physically after 1 year and half could change because all these problems were by distance. She would see how I am and I could see her. But if she has a severe depression, it would require time… that could lead to return together when she will be better”
“After telling you this story, I wanted to hear your point of view“- I think that being physically present with her may make a huge difference. Physical touch, such as holding hands, holding a person in one’s arms, etc., can sooth anxiety, reduce depression and increase intimacy.
You mentioned that Covid severely affected her, that several doctors died “in her service”- do you mean that she works in health care, being a nurse perhaps?
anitaAugust 1, 2021 at 7:50 am #383879
Thank you for your answer Anita.
I didn’t make my introduction. I am Damien from France and she lives in Ukraine which has a complicated situation because of war in the eastern part of the country. That also explain some traumatism as her family lives in the region.
That’s correct. We have been dating for 7 years Also depression came from different factors because at the same I had some personal problems that affected negatively the relationship. So she decided the pause in order I change. But depression also came from other factors such as her work and the situation during covid, and being alone in the flat we shared sometime and without opportunity to see her family.
Yes after some time of silence, we spoke sometime to give news and by january we reinstalled communication and step by step complicity.
But then indeed she made another episode. More related to work I guess but it could be also connected to the first one.
I could have offered to come earlier but when I offered this by end of june, she was probably in bad condition and then she made the decision to go on our seperate ways.
She also said that my changes are not enough but I don’t know if it’s a excuse or not. She also didn’t see me so she can’t know for sure.
Yes I believe that now the opportunity would be to go to take some of my stuff to also make her space in the flat but also this would be opportunity because we would meet at least after so long time. And as you say it could maybe make a difference and some support. By text it’s not the same and it could be even a reason by being alone that it worsened her condition.
So this would be last chance. But I don’t know how she is exactly. She could also require some time or she would even want to move on. I don’t know but at least physically meeting could change something and if not at least allow some time and be in contact until she gets better. I don’t know if I could hold hand or something if we are not couple anymore. But for sure it could change being physically close. It will depend on the level of her depression.
She is pharmacist. She didn’t directly work with covid patients but saw some of colleagues she worked with dying and this is a shock. I remember she shared this with me some months ago.
Thanks for your time.August 1, 2021 at 8:14 am #383882
You are very welcome. It seems to me that what it comes down to is this: she suffers from anxiety (we all do to one extent or another) and depression, and she has had some trouble with some of your behaviors. Question is, at this point/ when you see her in-person next: will she see you as one more Problem in her life, or will she see you as a possible Solution?
A person who is depressed wants a solution. If she sees you as such, she will be motivated to resume a relationship. If she sees you as one more problem in her life (those behaviors she doesn’t like.. I wonder what they are)- she will not be motivated to resume the relationship.
anitaAugust 1, 2021 at 9:00 am #383885
Thank you Anita.
You are right I noticed some kind of anxiety, often stressed by her work. I was not knowing it as by opposition I am quite peaceful or at least without worry. So I was just saying to be less stressed without knowing.
Yes I had some serious problems in my childhood which affected the relationship. Some behavior was the lack of attention, I was not listening to her, egocentrism and bringing back everything to me without listening were some examples. She didn’t have her space in the relationship. Also she could see no future because we were planning to live together in the same flat in my country but I didn’t have a job. This insecurity brought her little by little some part of the depression. Her anxiety started with the impossibily to have a future projection. But this was already almost 1 year ago and I made great progress. I visited a therapist, found ways for a job. She acknowledged these changes. And we rebuilt our communication like before.
But of course as we can’t meet in real, she can’t really see.
In the last message she thanked me for my support and everything I did and my presence. But said after changes was not enough. But also said I grown very much.
I believe since we haven’t met since january 2020 when I was another person she can’t imagine.
You are right that I should show her I am the solution and she can see I can really help. And this may be not possible to see until we meet. But being in depression, she decided to remove the problem.
It may take some time depending how she is now.
And in some way or another even if I am not entirely responsible for her depression, it can remind her negative thoughts.August 1, 2021 at 9:13 am #383886
“Also she could see no future because we were planning to live together in the same flat in my country but I didn’t have a job… But this was already almost 1 year ago and I made great progress. I visited a therapist, found ways for a job. She acknowledged these changes…. But said after changes was not enough“-
– She was concerned about you not having a job, that is: about you not bringing money into the relationship. When you got a job, she said it “was not enough”- she may have meant, in part, that the money you make in your job is not enough to solve the problems in her life.
Do you think this is what she meant, that she needs a lot more money than what you can bring into the relationship to solve her problems?
anitaAugust 1, 2021 at 9:32 am #383888
Thank you Anita
I don’t think it was because of money. We didn’t talk about salary. When she said it was not enough, it was about the last messages in general. Or maybe to excuse what we should go on separate ways I don’t know. I don’t know exactly what aspect she was talking about. But she is not the kind of person who require some money. Knowing her, it would be sufficient to be happy with what we have.
But before it was true that she was saying that without a job, she couldn’t see how living together could be possible.
In her depression I really don’t know how she is. And I guess first step would be to have a time together in real life, not texting anymore. Before we were exchanging quite a lot and she seemed happy for my changes and even 1 week before her decision, she was looking forward we could meet.August 1, 2021 at 10:01 am #383889
You are welcome.
“I guess first step would be to have a time together in real life, not texting anymore. Before we were exchanging quite a lot and she seemed happy for my changes and even 1 week before her decision, she was looking forward we could meet“- I agree. No doubt, meeting for the first time in a year and a half, is the best way to go, if the goal is better communication.
You will need to prepare for the meeting (when will it take place, approximately?), prepare for different scenarios: what to do if this happens, what to do if that happens.. Set realistic expectations in your mind before meeting her, try to come to peace with the different possible results of meeting with her in-person before you meet her, prepare the questions you want to ask her, etc.
anitaAugust 1, 2021 at 12:05 pm #383908
Thank you Anita.
I believe yes. It was way too long and some issues could have been avoid if there wouldn’t be the covid. But of course beyond that, she’ll also want to see.
With her depression I have to see and then act accordingly. Because I won’t be able to tell her everything if she seems too weak. For example, I wanted to tell her that I am here to support her or I want to rebuild something but it will depend if she will be open to hear and how she is when I will see her.
But so far I left her no speaking for 3 weeks. I planned to break the silence and tell her I will come in about 2 weeks.
It’s true I will have to prepare what to tell about me, my changes. Also be supportive, attentive. Getting interested and curious about her, her work, her family.. Be there for her but without mentioning the depression as it is something difficult for her that can’t solve. All that without stressing too much.
I know she is seeing a therapist and taking antidepressant.August 1, 2021 at 12:15 pm #383909
“It’s true I will have to prepare what to tell about me, my changes. Also be supportive, attentive“- you are already supportive and attentive to her: I can tell by your posts, including the most recent post where knowing that it is difficult for her to talk about her depression, you are planning “to be there for her but without mentioning the depression“- this is being supportive and attentive!
You are planning to see her in about 2 weeks, but she doesn’t know about it yet (?)
* I will be away from the computer for an hour or a few hours.
August 1, 2021 at 2:28 pm #383915
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you ! She will have to see in real the difference. She acknowledged, saw some but all this by text. But still, she decided so to break up. Indeed this is something I need to try to do so she feels understood and supported. Because before I was totally another who cared only about herself.
No she doesn’t know. Since her decision I left her space and silence for some time. Now I will try to reconnect with her and tell her I will try to come to take some things and perhaps we will be able to have a discussion somewhere and she will accept it.August 1, 2021 at 7:50 pm #383922
I will read and reply to you Mon morning, which for me, is in about 11 hours from now.
anitaAugust 2, 2021 at 6:09 am #383935
“before I was totally another who cared only about himself“- I wonder in what ways you behaved before, ways that indicated you cared only about yourself and not about her (?)
When you do see her, remember that the situation that led to the break up was complicated, as you said in your original post: “It was complicated situation because due to my behavior but also many changes in her life like covid in her job, her family.. it brought depression“- the breakup was caused not only by your behavior but by her depression in regard to her work, her family, Covid.
Talking about Covid- it’s on the rise globally and in France (almost 20 thousand new cases yesterday, Aug 1). The Ukraine is doing better than France in regard to Covid with daily cases in decline ever since the peak of April 3 (over 20 thousand cases on that day). Yesterday there were 484 cases there.
Are you living in France while she lives in the Ukraine, and you are planning to visit her in the Ukraine?
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.