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Depressive GF broke up with

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 77 total)
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  • #384147
    damien
    Participant

    Hello anita

    Yes originally I came to seek advice for depression as I thought it was one reason for break up. But it’s definitely more. I couldn’t also find a way to edit it because I wanted to add with me. It will important to be patient with her and take as she is. It will maybe take some steps.

    I will. So far I initiated the contact today. I wrote her that I hope she is ok and get better. Iasked about her, job, her family. She answer very fast about herself that she was fine, working and telling a bit about her family. It’s good because she speaks about herself. The first comtact is good because she seems interested to give me news and information. And also ask how I am and what I am doing these days.

    #384150
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Damien:

    A good first contact. I will read from you then when the second contact happens, j’espère que ça se passe bien!

    anita

    #384153
    damien
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    What would you recommend for second ? I thought about recalling some good memory. It could also sooth her. Without being nostalic though.

    Thanks for your french.

    #384158
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Damien:

    You are welcome. Regarding a second contact- you can ask a follow-up question about something she shared in her reply to your first contact. For example, if she shared that a family member of hers is anxious about a problem in the workplace, you can ask: what kind of problem the family membered encountered and how she/ deals with the anxiety.

    anita

    #384168
    damien
    Participant

    Hello anita

    She didn’t speak about anxiety but rather about a happy event. She’ll go to visit her mother for her 50th birthday. It’s in 3 weeks so seems looking forward very much. And she shared this with me. I told her I was very happy for her and that she must have miss so.much. because it’s been so long time since last time she met. Indeed it was together 3 years in Russia where we arrange to meet for the World Cup. I also told her about my work situation and tried a connection in order to see her : “I hope I will be able to tell you more when I come to get some of the stuff that that fill up your flat !” She didn’t answer to that but that indeed she missed her mother very much. It was late and then I wished her good night.

    So I am wondering with what I could come next. That’s why I was trying to remind something positive like good memory in our relationship. I told her I hope to tell her more when I will see her. It didn’t exactly require an answer. Because I didn’t talk about a date. I am wondering when and how I could bring that.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    #384173
    damien
    Participant

    As I said it didn’t exactly required an answer when I said I hope to tell more when I will come. But perhaps it could have pushed her ? It’s true that she took her decision when I offered to come to be there and support her. So I don’t know how she felt. Because seeing would be the opportunity for her to see my change at the time.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    #384177
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Damien:

    I think that it is very important that you don’t disturb her visit to see her mother- not the part before her  visit and not the visit itself. Therefore, better that you don’t contact her until after she returns from her visit.

    Next, figure out if you really need to get your belongings from her flat: maybe she can mail you some small belongings of sentimental value, and sell or donate other belongings: that will save you the cost of the travel there.

    After she returns from her visit to her mother, ask her when would be a good time for you to come over and remove your belongings from her flat (if you really need those). Let her know that you will be staying in a hotel room (do not tell her that you are considering staying in a hotel room, hoping that she will invite you to stay in her tiny flat). When you see her in person, ask her if she still feels the same as when she told you the following: “I just don’t see any future together. You still need to do a lot of work. It’s been seven years. I just can’t anymore”, “I think it’s time to let each other go. I don’t think it’s possible for us to turn back together”, If you really appreciate me, please just let me go. It will relief for both of us”.

    If she answers you with: yes, I still feel this way, then RESPECT her and stop pursuing her. Let her go, just as she asked you to do. Have compassion for her, and give her the relief that she asked for!!!

    If she answers you with a no, ask her how does she feel, and let me know what she says.

    anita

     

    #384185
    damien
    Participant

    Hello anita

    Her visit is not for now. Her mother’s birthday is on august 24th. But I don’t know when she will go. It’s very important important for her she is already talking about it. She didn’t see her for 3 years.

    But I think it’s good she share it and answer very fast, right ? For her, her family is extremely important. She repeately told me she misses her. I am happy she shared that with me. It will be her jubilee (50 Years). She lives in another region and it’s very difficult to go. She will also she her father and her sister.

    I really don’t know how long she plan to be there. She will probably take some vacation. It will be for one week at least.

    I didn’t want to wait too long to come. Because longer it it.

    But since her mother’s birthday in 24th and my plan to see her was around 15th, I don’t know when she will go I need to know.

    But what did you mean ”the part before” ?
    It’s very important for her and I believe it counts she receive one supportive word when she will be.
    I also know her mother and I think important and caring to not forget this date. And one funny thing is her birthday is same day as independence day of Ukraine !

    Yes I will consider coming. It will be difficult because it will a lot of work. But we will have to find a time to speak.

    She won’t be able answer straight away. Her answer or reconsideration will depends on what she sees, time she spends with me. And redevelop feelings after one year and a half. Because you requoted bolded is the consequence of what she were expecting/hoping.
    I would like to show you in the next post some elements I prepared . I won’t tell everything but some ideas. Speaking from past, my mistakes etc. to present (what I am now) until futur (what I plan, objectives, fear..). And it could naturally move to OUR future.

    I didn’t mentioned that I sent her a heartful letter where I told everything I had in my heart and what I regret.
    I think it touched her because it’s from that moment more or less that we communicated everyday and rebuilt step by step complicity.
    I hope to do the same in real which will be more meaningful and emotional I imagine. I just hope she will give me time for that.

    #384189
    damien
    Participant

    PAST

    Regrets. What I failed, I failed in my behavior.

    You suffered. I remember what you sacrificed. And why you are here in this flat/city.

    You waited so much. I didn’t move one finger about marriage (from 2015 !)

    It was a lot of time suffering. I left you terribly alone in this city you first didn’t know.

    My behavior was bad in the relationship and hurted so much.

    You took everything on yourself, forgot yourself. All that even didn’t realize how you suffered because I was too deep in my problem and extremely egocentrist.

    It partly took you to the condition you (had?).

    I hurted you so much. I sincerely regret and apologize. It was important for me and for you I think to tell you in person.

    But I thank you so much. I am so grateful from you. You did the best to make me fully aware and provoked a huge wake-up.
    I am so thankful to you for that.

    The break-up was necessary. Without, I would stay the same and hurt you even much more.

    I have now full conscience and realized what you sacrified and suffered.

    I know now where I am going.

    Thanks to you, I woke up awareness of all this.

     

    PRESENT.

    I set off, changed and undertook. It was a deep electrochoc.

    I couldn’t stand my life anymore. I wanted to grow.

    Thanks to you and what I did was for me first.

    Today I feel not another but changed into a better person. And it’s partly thanks to you.

    I made peace with my OLD ME and the past.

    I changed with the help of friends, the therapist that I continue to see.

    I changed my behavior, relation and care with others.

    I am now ready to give and not only receive.

    I wasn’t ready at all for a relationship. I realize it now.

    I found a job I like.

    I was very active sending many resumes and got several interviews.

    I like the hotel industry. It gives many opportunities and evolutions after.And opportunities to move.

    For example, the manager of one french hotel in Kyiv is french.

    I also continue in parallel projects for freelancing, blogging..

    I continue to learn russian.

     

    FUTURE.

    I am now happy grown up and have a clear direction where I want to go.

    I have my plans, my projects.

    I am ready to commit forward.

    I am also going to find a tiny studio to stay in Paris.

    I know what I want. I want to have a serious relationship. At my age it’s time to think about marriage. And I’ll want to start a family. I will be of course so happy if you give me a new chance.

    ————-

    I know you live a difficult time and still want to support and help you.

    Asking how she is, worry and care about her. Support, attentive.

    Entertain her, make her smile, make her feel better, and remind her of good memories.

    Help her, hold the door.

    I am giving you time and space. I know you live difficult times. But I am here for you. I respect your choice but know I’ll be there.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    #384192
    damien
    Participant

    These some elements I want to discuss. It can’t be a monologue but would hope I would have time. I would alternate about speaking on more relaxed things. Or I would tell I need to tell her things. If she would like to have a conversation ? It would be first time since letter. Even though we talked a bit by skype about that but was not the same. Don’t you think it’s bad to speak too much of past ? And maybe rather focus on present and future ? Again, it’s first time we might have a conversation. But remind past may bring her some bad memories but at the same time awareness of my mistakes and changes could sooth her.

    I remember on several occasion when I was apologizing and taking responsability she said thank  you, that it was important for her.

    #384193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Damien:

    My behavior was bad in the relationship and hurt so much… (I) didn’t realize how you suffered because I was too deep in my problem and extremely egocentric.. I hurt you so much. I sincerely regret and apologize“-

    – My concern, Damien, is that you will hurt her again, that you will cause her more suffering. I suggested that you don’t bother her before or during her visit to see her mother, yet it seems like you intend to ignore my suggestion (“Her visit is not for now. Her mother’s birthday is on august 24th”).

    My input today: for as long as she feels the way she expressed to you (boldfaced), you must stop pursuing her and leave her alone. Let her go, like she asked you, offer her the relief she needs- that would be the loving thing to do.

    I don’t want to give you further suggestions in regard to how best to pursue her because I don’t think that you should pursue her. I have no further suggestions otherwise. This is my last post to you (if you reply to this one, I will not reply to you back). I wish you well.

    anita

     

    #384195
    damien
    Participant

    Hello

    You quite didn’t understand everything. Pretty difficult by distance I imagine. I don’t pursue anything. I will go there and feel how you we are together. But anyway this hard to explain. I will go and in anycase everything will be different compare to what expect or fear and what will be. Maybe my english is not well enough and you misinterpreted . But you tend to select some quotes of your choice and make your opinion without understanding the whole story. You don’t quote other ones.
    She shared specifically with me about this anniversary because it’s important for her and this is care. If I would be that distant, I wouldn’t have reconnected after the break last year.

    Once you suggest I should come once other not and once again other.. What was exposed was things from the past. And she believe in me and my changes. She just didn’t see them in person And we didn’t met since january 2020. Is it normal ? Even healthy couples could have issue with just texting for so long no see. Don’t you believe in other chances and working the best on ourselves to improve and be better in the future ? That may explain high divorces rates in our countries. So I don’t understand when you say ”I will hurt her again”. I know couples who are happy after they solved their problems.

    I will go there. It was advices from friends knowing her. I just wanted to have different inputs how to deal the situation.

    I won’t disturb you further. Anyway thanks for all suggestions you gave.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by damien.
    #384209
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Damien,

    if you choose to go, inform her about it on time. Tell her that you’ve been thinking of coming around Aug15 and ask her if that date suits her. Don’t go if she says “no, now is not a good time”. It’s important that she knows well in advance that you’re coming, and also that you don’t force anything that she isn’t comfortable with, including the date of your arrival.

    Also, I think you should clarify the intention of your arrival. You may be honest and say that you’re hoping to talk to her and show her how much you’ve changed, but also that you’ll respect her decision if she doesn’t want to be with you any more. As anita suggested, don’t stay at her place, but book an accommodation, so that she doesn’t feel under pressure.

    I know you want to show her how much you’ve changed, but it’s equally important to show her that you respect her boundaries and her wishes.

     

    #384217
    damien
    Participant

    Hello teak

    Thank you I will do that.
    What I didn’t explain it was what I was jobless and did nothing to improve. In the head of a woman, it’s a strong sign of immaturity. And she felt no future possible. In last times of the relationship, she said she was worried about our future. And it’s also what she said in her last messages that she doesn’t see any future.

    I changed that and I have now perspectives and then a future possible. With or without her. Because without a job even with the best relationship a future is impossible.  I think it’s a big deal when she’ll know that.

    Yes I can talk about I would like to have a discussion with her. But I think also without the pression she feels I want to change her mind. And that I come only for that.
    When she took her decision, I just said at the moment that I was disappointed because if she would see by herself she could at least make her opinion in person. But she thanked me for respecting her a choice.
    It might indeed make a difference when we will meet in person after 1 year and a half and see by herself and being physically present. Because texting or even skype (that we did rarely) is definitively not the same.

    I will tell her in advance and of course if she can’t or need time to prepare or think of course I will wait.

    I will also respect her choice and boundaries. That’s why it’s also important to stay a bit distant. Not being in the indifference. But also not in demand. We will have discussion but she will also see by herself naturally in her mind. She will have an overall opinion at the end.

    #384218
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Damien,

    I will tell her in advance and of course if she can’t or need time to prepare or think of course I will wait.

    I think if you plan to travel around the 15th, then today would be high time to tell her.  Don’t postpone it further because 9 days is already quite a short notice.

    When she took her decision, I just said at the moment that I was disappointed because if she would see by herself she could at least make her opinion in person. But she thanked me for respecting her a choice.

    Right. So she appreciated that you didn’t force her to meet then. If she rejects you again, or tells you she isn’t ready to meet yet, it’s important to respect that decision again.

    Yes I can talk about I would like to have a discussion with her. But I think also without the pression she feels I want to change her mind. And that I come only for that.

    Yes, you can tell her that you simply want to talk, but also that you have no expectations from her. So you’re not forcing anything. Anyway, inform her as soon as possible that you’re planning to come and see what her reaction will be.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 77 total)

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