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Difficulty Letting Go Two Years after Divorce

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  • June 3, 2014 at 11:43 am #58008
    yoda428
    Participant

    I’ll try and articulate this the best I can. I was married two months shy of 20 years. The marriage ended in divorce two years ago. It had gotten to a point where we were just living in the same house but no love. Two kids (now 18 and 13). Plenty of reasons I guess for it to end. I know I was difficult and co-dependent, fairly needy and not much zest for life, overweight but very much wanted to fix things – she said no and was done.

    I see now why she needed to leave and how difficult I had been and I’m not sure if I would have really seen without this divorce. But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and it makes it tough too because we have to see each other frequently because of the kids and there is always communication and texting back and forth about day to day stuff. I’ve been really clingy many times throughout the two years and asking about getting back together – she even wanted to just a few months after the divorce but it never got that far. She got to the point where she just had to say don’t call me or talk to me unless it has something to do with the kids – which I get – my neediness was smothering.

    Anyway – I backed way off and saw what I was doing (finally) and she seemed to be more communicative and text more often when I backed off. Meanwhile I’m losing weight which has been a huge issue for many years and I have in the back of my head that if I lose the weight maybe I can win her back. She has told me a couple of different times that she is dating someone but I see no signs of it and I think she lied about it the first time to get me off of her back. Anyway, she says it’s over and we’re never getting back together. I tell myself I’m ok with that and I know it won’t happen but yet I still keep wondering. And the funny thing is, I’m not so sure I’d want her back anyway when I think of all of the ways she is that were so frustrating – she’s really not my type but, we always still get along together as parents and she hasn’t made the divorce difficult and she’s always easy to deal with and everytime I see here I just melt because I miss being with her and she’s so pretty. There’s such conflict. It’s like I want her but don’t want her.

    So yesterday, I run into her at the grocery store and after weeks of not saying anything and playing it cool, I wind up having diarhhea of the mouth and tell her, “I can’t stop thinking about you, I’m not over this, I’ve changed, blah blah blah.” She says she’ll never trust me again hearing things have changed as they never did before. She said it’s over and we’ll never be back together – but it’s like I’m hearing it but not believing her – it’s like I think her lips are saying no but deep down inside she doesn’t mean it. She always let’s me talk and doesn’t seem to have to get away – there’s a connection there. More was said, it’s kind of a blur but it wasn’t unpleasant, at least I don’t think so.

    Why can’t I just put this behind me and hear those words that “it’s over” – I keep waffling. Anyway – didn’t intend this to be so long but not sure how else to say it. Does this make sense?

    June 3, 2014 at 12:33 pm #58009
    Inky
    Participant

    yoda428,

    This question is very important: In your soul, in your truest heart of hearts, in the moments when you can’t lie even to yourself ~ is it over, or is she just saying that?

    If it’s over, ignore her. Leave her alone. Every time you make proclamations you become more repellant in that you’re making it worse!

    If even 1% of her wants you back, and even if she doesn’t, FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL SANITY: Ignore her this year. The kids are old enough to handle their own events, coordinating, etc. If the texts aren’t urgent, no need to reply. You run into her? Wave and quickly vanish.

    No less than one year later, WHEN YOU HAVE STOPPED OBSESSING, text back. Never initiate texts. You run into her, “Hi how are you? Gotta go!” Polite. That’s it.

    Two years later, FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL SANITY, phone communication, but only if she calls first. You run into her? “Hi (name)!” Warm hug. “How are you? That’s great! Gotta go!”

    As the years (yes, years) go on she will also see that you are better, healthier, etc. And she might miss that old attention. She just might, if this was a romantic series. But only if you move on this decade in Real Life.

    If you’re lucky, you will be the best of friends again when the kids are adults. Perhaps even (ghost of a chance) get back together.

    But please, leave her alone enough for her to miss you. For your own mental sanity, you don’t have to say “The End” but you do have to at least be able to say “The End ~ for now! *wink!* … to be continued Summer of 2020!”

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    June 3, 2014 at 12:48 pm #58012
    Matt
    Participant

    Yoda,

    To memories have you clung. (My best at Yoda speak :)). I’m sorry for the frustration and confusion, divorce is tough and so are matters of the heart. I think your wife is being pretty clear. Its over, dead, gone. Consider that even if something comes up down the line, it would be two strangers meeting. Old friends that just meet. Not “back, back, back”. Why do you want that back? You said yourself it didn’t fit. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First is that your view of healing is skewed. You have some great momentum going, and I hear the superman inside you looking sharp. But,you run to her and say “look,the sun is out, let’s be married again” and she says “sunny or not, I’ve seen too many seasons to trust us both not to fall.” And, she’s wise to keep that space open, you both made big mistakes that need to be addressed, wounds that need healing, emotions to settle, fears to overcome, on and on. The intimacy crumbled, and pieces aren’t just “better”, especially when you keep poking at her.

    Consider an alternate view. Consider that every day you two are apart is is gift she’s feeling. Freedom, in tune with herself, but of course struggling here and there, as we all do. You do your verbal diarrhea and even though she was patient, it was still poop in her face, all sorts of pokes and prods to boundaries that she had to enforce. Not “wow,you look beautiful. Hope you’re happy! See ya!” as a little sparkle for her, to hope she has joy wherever she is. Then, those stories she is living in her space without you? If those stories are something she wishes to share, great. If not, can ya blame her?

    Yep, a doofus, but also normal, usual, typical. I’ve seen it happen to many, both men and women, and just means “she woke up first”. Over time, you’ll thank her, offer gratitude for setting you free. Let go of her and keep exploring, and you’ll find a better partner. Wiser, more respectful, more playful, appreciative, genuine. You let a love die, and it stings, so in the future you’ll naturally take a more tender approach.

    Now, about that momentum. Verbal diarrhea means you’re low on concentration, low on focus. Intending to be one way, then becoming overwhelmed by “whatever” and dumping messily all over. The good news is you’re a heart on your sleeve kind of guy, which polishes up nicely once you learn to aim better, stay poised. My recommendation is to incorporate a meditation practice regularly into your routine.

    Consider that when we feel unstable or grouchy, like a balloon ready to pop, it means we’re not processing well. Not making the space for our thoughts and emotions to reside peacefully within us. We can make the space when we meditate. We move our attention away from our mind, focus the energy elsewhere. Metta meditation is great for that. It helps the mind become smooth and peaceful, as a wide open field of potential, curious, happy. And, more importantly, it develops concentration quickly. Gives you a little posture to stand up intently in the moment.

    So what’s next for you? Our destiny begins to blossom as we accept our fate. So, not her. But what? What have you always wanted to do but have been held back/scared/denied/forgotten? Of the paths that you can take, what seems fun to do? What do you want to explore? Go do that. When you’re ready, you’ll find a partner.

    Consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.

    Namaste, brother, may you find your wings.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 3, 2014 at 1:47 pm #58016
    Sanna
    Participant

    Hi Yoda428,

    in a weird way I see your story making sense. You write how you sort of want her and don’t – and I think here is the clue to your problem.

    In this long relationship you two had she obviously became a meaningful other to you, and the most familial “mirror” you have. And now after learning things since the divorce, you still carry this hope that you could reflect the picture of new you via this mirror so important to you: in her eyes, face and love. She might not be your type anymore – but she still is the person you sort of hope to impress, and winning her back would make it possible for you to show what you’ve learned. As it would make it possible for you to play this role once again – but this time you’d know what to do.

    I guess the satisfaction included to this dream is comparable to the one we might carry in relation to some old sweetheart once abandoning us: if they just could see us now. Even though we might not want a relationship with them, how good would it feel to see the impressed look in their eyes..!

    I think the one thing in common between these fantasies is, that these are the people we have given important roles in our lives. And having their acceptance feels a bit like acceptance we require from our parents: something, that convinces we are good, lovable and able to develop in life.

    There was just recently an article in Tiny Buddha over getting along with your parents. And there was this quote from Ram Dass, saying “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.” In my case I’ve noticed this also works very well if being in touch with the most recent ex at the time: No matter what has happened since, and what a great person we’ve become – still a long time after a break up it’s often impossible to hold the control over oneself if talking with the ex. As it’s way too easy to notice that even if you wouldn’t really want to be in a relationship with this person anymore, there’s still a part of you wishing for his acceptance. Or something, that would magically take all those past mistakes away.

    But in most cases there simply isn’t a perfect, happy ending closure available, leaving us all satisfied. There’s just endings and goodbyes, where you never get to say everything you wanted. And it’s just something we have to learn to live with: that the train we’re waiting has long since gone. And this other person who seem to make us regress isn’t really the one responsible over our feelings. She/he is her/his very own person, and it is actually a bit unfair to keep burdening them with our unconscious needs after the relationship has ended. They’re someone, just as ourselves too, who deserve to be treated with respect – instead of being someone to keep playing our games with. So my advice would be, that you should really take some emotional distance to your ex for a while, and concentrate on building your own future at the time. It’s not easy, but do remember: you’re the only person who, in the end, carries the solutions to your needs.

    June 3, 2014 at 2:00 pm #58017
    Inky
    Participant

    I think the trick is to be open to the possibility of all things, *while also accepting things the way they are*. Is it *possible* for you to get back together? Yes. (The stats are against you.) But I do believe in the possibility of all things (AND have seen stranger things happen!!). There is such a thing as Grace, Magic and Miracles in this world. But I’ll tell you what, if she’s Closed and you’re acting like “That Guy”, every proclamation *will* actively repel her.

    “Yes, I’m single now. Would I be open to a renewed relationship with her? Sure, maybe someday. Who knows?.” is the mental attitude you should have. Yes, it might be nice, but you’re not actively grasping for it.

    Channel that energy into meditation and ~ this just came to me ~ running! An app like From Couch to 5K will give you something to do, a goal, and a focus. After finishing a real 5K (or something else if you’ve done one) will give you that Completion fix.

    Forward! Onward! “There is no try!”

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    June 3, 2014 at 2:30 pm #58020
    yoda428
    Participant

    Thanks all for your wise comments. I’m at a place sometimes when I can “see” what you’re saying and I know what is best. Like holding better boundaries and having minimal contact. Sometimes she calls and asks if I will come fix her TV or computer or printer…..I need to say No, but it’s like if you’re so done with me then why do you keep calling and needing me.

    I know it shouldn’t matter what she does, it’s how I respond. I know meditation will help – my therapist has been suggesting it for years but I keep avoiding it. It’s like if I don’t have weight, job, money, ex to worry about than who am I. I find myself pacing the floor a lot lately just figuring out what to do next as I’m aware that I don’t want to numb (eat, watch tv, spend).

    Much of the time the thoughts are…”how can she be over this so easily and just wants to be friends? I can’t be her flippin friend right now, shouldn’t that be OK? I’ve told her a million times how I’m not over this and it’s difficult but she keeps reeling me in. We were texting friendly like over kid stuff just minutes after the grocey store encounter. Does she like hearing me say “I think you’r beautiful?” Ugh, that sounds repelling to me after I say it. I’ve done a lot of repelling over the years – and when I realize how much I’ve done (do) it I want to apologize profusely for doing it. What a vicious ugly cycle!

    Bottom line is I think I know what I need to do, I just am not doing it.

    June 3, 2014 at 3:29 pm #58024
    Inky
    Participant

    Sounds like she wants an ego boost and a handyman. No wonder you’re getting mixed signals.

    Say, “Here’s the number of a cheap, good handyman/computer guy.”

    June 3, 2014 at 5:09 pm #58027
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi brother,

    I’ve been there. Respect her decision as difficult as that may be. And get your mojo back!

    Big blue

    June 3, 2014 at 5:52 pm #58029
    Matt
    Participant

    Why are you trying to say what she wants to hear? That just makes it complex, a maze. No wonder you’re stressed! Instead, say what feels right, and then try to be open to whatever response comes back. Way easier. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 4, 2014 at 1:46 pm #58100
    elet
    Participant

    Your situation is very difficult but there is a lot that can be done. You say that it was not very good before the divorce but the two of you were living together anyways. There was no love among yourselves, you had or still have no self-esteem, weight problems, neediness and so on. To me it seems that both of you are consciously ignoring that you guys have many individual problems to deal with. Expecting miracles to happen without taking action to solve these problems will not help.
    You guys have children and are giving them a bad example of how to solve problems. You can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself first. My friend, you said that life for you has no meaning (“no zest for life, needy, clingy”). This is no way to live. You are afraid, and that is OK.
    It is a situational/temporary problem. You can solve it. It does not stay like that forever. Time for a change! Inky and Matt appear to be on the right track. They are talking about the possibility of happiness, and of a new life. Your thought process is stuck; time to let go. It is all very unproductive and negative. Show something good and inspired to yourself and the kids.

    June 4, 2014 at 3:12 pm #58105
    yoda428
    Participant

    I think a lot of my consternation can be attributed to the fact that I am very aware of my patterns but still fall prey to them quite often – like I said, I know what to do but don’t always do it. Trying to be aware enough to make the right choices and find the “right” frame of mind is my goal. I know there has been much negativity and I know my examples have not been great – I’m just becoming aware of much of it. You can’t change what you don’t see.

    June 4, 2014 at 5:36 pm #58121
    elet
    Participant

    The secret of doing is to do. Little by little, step by step. Sometimes you will do it right and other times you will do it wrong. It takes time and patience. As in, give two steps forward and one backward. But you know the story, Nike has the logo “Just do it”.
    If you already identified the problems then the moment is to act on the solution. Time for action. No more planning or thinking about, “Just do it”.

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