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Does he like me?

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  • #413868
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitting:

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    You are welcome to submit as many posts as you would like to submit, and at any length, as far as I am concerned. It is so very unfortunate for you (and I wish it wasn’t the case) that so many people in your life so far, have been significantly or severely mentally disturbed and disturbing, or unfortunate otherwise: one of your grandmothers (“My grandmother had a personally disorder“), your mother (”She been on the edge for years.. My mom has untreated trauma“), your father (”Both my parents had severe traumas in their earlier lives“), your sister (“She is brain damage and has been for 23 years… She was screaming from pain sometimes up to 20 hours a day… Her leaning to one side and having one leg shorter than the other was noticeable to outside family and the doctors.. she needed 4 disc removed  that they performed the surgery… The biggest issue is her being in a pain all the time. Extreme headaches and her vision is affected by it… She does have a lot of narcissistic tendencies“), Peers in school (“I was 12 to 15 years old. A group of boys were violent (one girl became hearing impaired in one ear)..the boys had some episodes of violence. One of them had their wrist slashed right in front of me“), your former boss (“I than had a two year apprentice with a boss who tics of every box of being a psychopath“), an adult friend (“The friend… also suffer from mental health problems due to childhood trauma (she’s diagnosed with BPD)“), and your love-interest (“He has a lot of issues, he lost 4 kilos in just one week, the drinking sometimes gets High, anxiety..  his ocd is so bad that my colleagues girlfriend (who also works) here is nervous about living with him“).

    You can’t change the family you were born to, neither can you change the people and events in your past, not any more than I can change these things in my life, but I sure hope that you meet healthier people (not perfectly healthy, of course, because such a thing does not exist), and that as a result, you will be able to have healthier relationships… and a boyfriend for the first time in your life: this will be exciting to read about, and exciting for you to experience, I am sure! I wish you healthier people and healthier relationships in this new year!

    anita

    #413869
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Yes, it was an extremely relaxing party and they never tried to add pressure on me to take any.

    He doesn’t use other people’s names when he greets them just me. He will walk up to them and be like hey mate and then he starts a small catch up conversation with them, with me it’s a bit different. If I’m around collegues he will say you alright? or nothing at all, and then when we are alone he will talk a bit more sometimes calling me by nickname several times a day and talking without really saying anything. Which he kinda allways did the first two months, saying you alright every time he walked past me, always asking the same things like what time do you finish work (we had the same schdule) you starting now? you finishing no? He didn’t call me anything until he came to my house (and forgot his hat) when he came to the bar and asked about me he used my full name .

    Well that would make it feel less hurtfull. Cuz that’s exactly what I have been doing to him. Couldn’t talk to him when other people were present cuz I didn’t need and audience for me being a fool around him. Being awkward around your crush is a lot better than someone being awkward around you because they have a crush on you. And he always hangs with more women than men, he hangs with X and Y and now the pretty one (who makes me feel jealous) has been asking him to join her and her friends for drinks a couple of times. He is like seeing a completely different person. And not only is it hard because I feel excluded but also a people pleaser always making sure people around me were happy, the mere thought that I’m just plain cuasing him discomfort is really really hard. I just want everybody to be happy, and we’ve barely seen each other and I can’t give him more space than I am already doing (he starts all conversations)

    He does have a lot of self destructive behaviour. He doesn’t eat a lot (manly eats salads) goes to the gym a lot and since he doesn’t have an ounce of fat too much on his body (and with all the drinking) losing 4 kilos in just one week is a hella lot. I properly have been expecting way to much of him, Anita said the exact same thing in another post. I need to meet him where he is and not where I want him to be.

    I feel very defeated in my love life. What I want the most is a partner and I have only had two months of that in my life, and so much heartache. It’s such a rollercoaster for me and a lot of mental energy for me.

     

    #413871
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    He doesn’t use other people’s names when he greets them just me.

    You said he forgot the name of some people whom he worked with, including Y. Did it happen in a conversation with you that he couldn’t remember the names of those people?

    And not only is it hard because I feel excluded but also a people pleaser always making sure people around me were happy, the mere thought that I’m just plain cuasing him discomfort is really really hard.

    Are you saying that you feel guilty that he feels discomfort around you? Are you blaming yourself that he isn’t so relaxed around you like he is around other girls?

    I feel very defeated in my love life. What I want the most is a partner and I have only had two months of that in my life, and so much heartache. It’s such a rollercoaster for me and a lot of mental energy for me.

    I hear you, Katrine. I know it’s hard. But I also know that as you continue on your healing journey and start loving yourself more and more, you will be attracted to emotionally healthier people, people who will be able to return your love. And being in love won’t feel so exhausting and defeating any more. Trust me, Katrine, that time will come.

     

    #413905
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    It happened when he was talking to me.

    A little bit. It feels like i overstepped a boundary but I know i didn’t i become very avoident when i like someone so i know i didn’t.

    And now i have to deal with jealousy as well he came 15 min early and had his Tea with the pretty girl and her friend. You could tell she likes him she sat right next to him and had her body turned to him the whole time, he was talking to the girl in front of him until she left and then it was just the two of them. I know he is free to be with whoever he wants to be with but I really really don’t want to see it happen right infront of me.

    It’s so hard keeping Faith I’m 33 and all i had was two months with someone. I so torn right now.

    #413906
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you. It’s been a lot for me to carry, so much going on and now this. I hope it gets better soon.

    #413907
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    You are welcome. I read your recent post. I suppose there is a reason you referred to him  as “the cute guy”: he probably appears cute/ attractive and some girls are attracted to him. Isn’t he supposed to be leaving to Canada though (and therefore, you will not have “to see it happen right in front of (you)”?

    anita

    #413913
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    It happened when he was talking to me.

    Okay, so he tends to forget people’s names when talking to you. At the yoga date, when he was leading a yoga session, you said he could hardly remember some words, such as body parts. You even suspected he was on something… What could be the reason he forgets words around you is that his anxiety goes up when around you – because he likes you.

    He might indeed experience discomfort because he isn’t neutral towards you. But at the same time, he didn’t want a relationship with you, which would indicate that he is highly conflicted and confused. Or he fears relationship tremendously.

    In fact, during the last 9 months since he’s been working at the hostel, and having met dozens of pretty girls, I guess – he hasn’t started dating any of them. If he is cute and popular with women, I don’t see any reason he wouldn’t date – unless he is afraid of a relationship. And that might be the main reason why he rejected you – even though he might like you.

    Of course, that’s just a speculation. We don’t know why he rejected you, but it’s a possibility, considering everything you wrote about him and his behavior.

    A little bit. It feels like i overstepped a boundary but I know i didn’t i become very avoident when i like someone so i know i didn’t.

    You didn’t overstep a boundary – he had been showing consistent interest in you, and so you just sped things up. It was totally legitimate.

    The fact that he is feeling anxious around you is not your fault whatsoever. If he likes you (but fears relationship), it’s his problem. If he doesn’t like you, but feels weird knowing that you like him – it’s again his problem, not yours. Because each of us is responsible for our feelings, so he needs to be able to self-regulate. It’s not your responsibility to regulate his feelings.

    So please, Katrine, you have absolutely no responsibility for his feelings. You haven’t hurt him or done anything wrong to him – you only expressed your interest, after he had been showing interest in you for at least a couple of months prior.

    Blaming yourself for things you’re absolutely not responsible for is very likely the legacy of your relationship with your sister and parents, who all blamed you for things you haven’t done. Specially your sister and father blamed you (and are still blaming you). The blame and guilt-tripping that you received from them became internalized, and now it is you who is blaming  yourself for things that are absolutely not your fault.

    How do you feel about this? Does it seem plausible?

     

    #413914
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He’s very attractive amazing brown eyes and brown curly hair, my mom said the same thing as you that women wants to be with him. He not nervous or anything around her, i think i get so jealoux because she is so beautiful. We have the same eye colour and hair colour and I can’t help compare myself, my own insicurities gets triggered. I know that beauty doesn’t mean you are interested. I have been hanging out with a guy from work he is like a brother to me, he’s very handsome a people thought we were dating because of it, but we are just friends.

    Yes he is leaving soon, but it’s hard for me to see them together at work because i don’t have control over it like if they like each other and can’t change that. He’s always around other women not, he will even walk up and have his Tea with female guests that made me jealoux too, he will join them (the three aussie girls) during his break if he sees them but never did that with me.

    #413918
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I think I get so jealous because she is so beautiful…  my own insecurities get triggered“- what if you are so beautiful too, Katrine… ? And what if you knew that you are beautiful?

    He’s always around other women, he will even walk up and have his Tea with female guests: that made me jealous too, he will join them (the three Ausie girls) during his break if he sees them but never did that with me“- this was my experience too, and for decades! Guys (and girls) preferred to be with others over being with me, and it hurt a whole lot. Looking back, I think that I understand why this was the case, why they preferred others over me: I was unpleasant to be around because I was too anxious, too distracted by my own insecure thoughts, thoughts about my perceived inferiority.

    I wrote above perceived inferiority because during all those many years, I believed that I was inferior to others, even though the reality was that I was not inferior to others. But believing it made me behave.. strangely, not fun to be around. And so, my peers preferred those who were relaxed and fun to be around.

    Fast forward to the present, I no longer believe that I am inferior to others (what a relief!), and as a result, I am more relaxed around others and sometimes I am fun to be around.

    anita

    P.S. You and Tee submitted posts 4 minutes apart, so you may not be aware of her post, the one right above your most recent post.

    #413924
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Tee and Anita,</p>
    So my friend just told me that him and the girl are a thing. I’m extremely heartbroken i was hoping i wouldn’t have to see him with another right in front of me. They have been seen kissing. I feel so hurt.

    #413925
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I am sorry, Katrine. I don’t like reading that you feel so hurt. Try to not hold on to that hurt-feeling for too long: you don’t deserve to feel badly. Since he will be leaving to Canada, he and the girl will not be a thing for long, will they…?

    anita

    #413926
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Well i still see me as the overweight girl with unclear skin, but I’m not the same any more. I’m the one who dresses the most feminine i get a lot of compliments from my colleagues meen and women and people say i am really good at hiding my anxiety people always gets surprised when i tell them.

    He is still going to Canada in march that hasn’t changed. But it’s excruciatly hard that i have to see it in front of me.

    #413927
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    It could be. I’m still the only woman that he treats this way and we do a lot of the same things. I have it easier being with someone i don’t have feelings for because they can’t hurt me the same way. Like i been doing hook ups (never went the whole way) with men at it felt easy, then with the guy i was with earlier last year i paniced i knew that he was the right person to go all the way with but my body just froze and worked against me. It’s not logically making sense.

    Well people called him a player because he would get super drunk and then fool around with women only to not want more from them but players don’t need alcohol to bewuth women. My colleague who just told that he and that girl are a thing goes out with him and x and y and she says he is charming and flirts around. Like her behaviour today gave it away but he was treating her the same way he acts around any other women, No nerves or anything. She was asking him to join us but he want to (the day he briefly looked at me and nodded) and last friday when she was asking him to go to the pub he said yeah alright i’ll message you, No emotions, but apparently the did get really drunk and flirting at the Christmas party. She’s lovely i like her but she’s only 21 and a bit more young and naiv.

    Iyou are right. I take on too much resposibility for other people emotions and him being weird around me and if they are gonna be a couple then he should talk to me like a friend.

    #413930
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    An “overweight girl with unclear skin” can be a beautiful girl, Katrine! I know a 23 year-old woman in real-life who happens to be overweight and has unclear skin, but I assure you: she is beautiful, at times breathtaking! I hope that you feel better real soon, Katrine and that you look forward to a better year ahead!

    anita

    #413949
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I know. It’s just that I got called fat bitch og had people talking about my bad skin so i was hard for me to feel beautiful.

Viewing 15 posts - 241 through 255 (of 268 total)

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