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Done with online dating. Tired of non-stop rejection

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  • #69462
    Katie
    Participant

    Steve! If we lived close to each other (assuming we don’t…) I would totally date you (also assuming you would date me lol). You sound like a catch, just going through a bit of the blues at the moment. You might think what would make you feel better will be to find a woman who’s a good match for you, but I think it’s more about you. You probably hit it on the head when you said “it seems I haven’t really focused on mine [happiness] enough.” That’s what you need to do now! Of course I don’t mean neglecting your kids, but make yourself a priority as well. I feel like you are probably a really giving guy in relationships – so if you were to get in a serious one right now, do you think you would be neglecting yourself some more? Tending to her needs and the needs of the relationship and not exploring what it is that truly makes YOU happy….

    Also – regarding your ex, have you done any therapy to try to move past that hurt you still feel over the relationship? I understand it frickin SUCKS that she’s such a shitty person. Especially if she’s being a shitty mom to your kids. But it is HER. You are a great dad, a good influence in their lives and thank GOODNESS you are no longer in that relationship!! You did spend a whole lot of time in it, but as Dr. Phil says (can’t help it, I kinda love him sometimes) “the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 20 years is being in a bad relationship for 20 years and ONE DAY.”

    What kind of music do you like? 🙂

    #69475
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Katie,

    Well that was sweet of you to say that. If only the women on the dating site were a little more like you 🙂 Unless you live in Canada on the prairies, I doubt we will run into each other haha. It was a nice thought though, except I don’t need a ton of fixing. I thought about joking about the guy that you were in contact with, but then I thought that maybe there was a reason that guy escaped into alcoholism to cope with his life. I’ve never been like that. I always saw people getting drunk when things got tough and it never seemed like a good thing to just add to your problems.

    I definitely need to do a little more for myself. That’s why it was so refreshing to go out dating again but I know it wouldn’t be good to just be there for another person. It did feel good to share time and be with someone again. Regarding my ex, I went to counseling when my marriage came to an end. Then I saw the same counselor a little while ago, but that was more for me. I don’t have any contact with her unless she is doing something that isn’t in the best interests of the kids. The less I have to do with her, the better. I don’t care about what she did anymore. She is a loser who didn’t care enough about her family and her husband to let me know that our marriage needed some serious work. I’m glad that I’m not with such a shallow and self centered person anymore.

    Musically, I’m all over the place. I like a lot of guitar driven music. My sons kind of got me listening to classic rock like Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Beatles etc. Newer stuff would be Muse, the Black Keys, BRMC. My 11 year old is really musically diverse so he’s got me listening to older jazz. A lot of the time, I lean toward hard rock and heavy metal just because much of the guitar playing is a step above what you hear on the radio. I’m not into hip hop, most rap, or new country though. It just doesn’t do it for me. I’d rather listen to classical, which is also cool.

    Thanks for messaging back. You sound like a nice woman.

    #69516
    Katie
    Participant

    Steve –

    I only speak the truth! You sound to me like an honest, respectful, kind and caring person. While you may not need fixing, but you ARE unavailable to me as you live in another country lol. See – that’s my pattern, but I’m trying to break it. 🙂 I’m glad you see how fortunate you are not to be with your ex anymore. But again, I also understand how frustrating it can be to feel ready for a relationship but yet not have one. Do you have friends you can go out and do things with? In the past, I have devoted so much time to boyfriends I have neglected other relationships. I’m also pretty introverted, so if allowed I will isolate myself like none other lol. Anyway, since my last relationship ended a month ago and I’ve decided to settle into this single thing, I’m making a goal for myself to do something with friends once a week. Maybe you could do something similar? Even if you don’t really feel like it, I think we sometimes forget how many people are there for us and love us.

    Love Led Zeppelin. That’s funny your kids got you into them…they have good taste! I also really like Muse and the Black Keys…have seem both of them in concert, great shows! Interesting you say you don’t like “new” country…I feel the same way. Old country’s pretty great though. Love me some George Jones. 🙂 Do you like folky music at all? I would suggest the Head and the Heart and Fleet Foxes if you are at all interested in taking suggestions haha. If you only check out one of the two, give Fleet Foxes a listen. Seriously, they got me through this last month. Really beautiful stuff, I promise.

    #69526
    belove
    Participant

    Steve,
    Online dating is tough. Not just for men, but women as well. Just because a woman got a lot of messages, doesn’t mean any of them works out. We too, go through heartbreaks and rejections. Dating is tough. Marriage life is tough. Life is tough. Yes, it’s the hard truth. That’s why we have this wonderful place at tinybuddha to share our thoughts, swap stories and help each other. That’s why we need to work on ourselves and build a strong foundation of who we are to maneuver this journey called life. The key is to never give up.

    With much love and warmth.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #69541
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Katie,
    Thanks again for the kind words. See, I find a decent kind hearted woman to talk to, and she lives in another country lol. Seriously though, I find that there are a lot of kind hearted and caring people on this forum. Tiny Buddha has one of the better online communities that I have seen so far. I never use to be a person who would post online, and especially as openly as I have on here, but it has made me feel better to release some of the things that have bothered me. I would have never done this years ago.

    It is funny to think that we are quite a bit similar. I can be pretty introverted a lot of the time. I do have friends that I hang out with, but they are all married and most have kids, so it’s tough to get together with some of them. You seem to be doing fairly with for someone who’s relationship ended a month ago. It’s good to see that and it is better if you can move on from it. I spent too much time mourning what I thought was a loss at the time. I think I could have been in a better place a lot sooner, if I didn’t think what I had was worth fighting for.

    As far as music goes, my boys basically re-introduced me to most of those groups again. I never pushed them on them, they just found them, and got hooked on those bands. It’s funny, I showed my 11 year old some new song, and he says, ” You have to listen to this, it’s amazing!” Then he plays me “In My Time of Dying” by Led Zeppelin. Yeah, they have pretty good taste in music.
    George Jones was good but I lean a little more towards Johnny Cash. He was the man. I’ll check out Fleet Foxes. I don’t mind folky stuff. I haven’t seen either band you saw but I heard that especially Muse puts on an outstanding show. Thanks again Katie.

    Hey belove, I understand that women go through the hardships with dating too. No one is immune to it. It would be nice if everything wasn’t tough, as you put it. Sometimes, I think it’s only as tough as we decide to make it, and I went in with that mindset both times I was trying online dating. Unfortunately, the second time was a little too annoying to not let it bother me. I think finding a couple of connections to women that I was very attracted to the first time, built my confidence . The second time, brought it down. I had trouble rolling with it this time. I need to work on myself. It just gets tiring waiting so long to have someone in your life again. I miss it.

    #69628
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My dating site subscription expires at the end of the month and it couldn’t be soon enough. This day and this time of the year just brings me down. It is disheartening to have always had an optimistic attitude towards dating and finding someone to share your life, but I feel that I have lost faith in it all.
    I said I was talking to a woman that I knew years ago, and after telling her that I was attracted to her, it felt like she was toying with me. I stopped texting her a few days ago. If she was truly interested she would have taken it upon herself to send a message. She hasn’t so I just deleted her number from my phone. She was kind of a superficial person so it wouldn’t have worked anyways.
    I saw a woman on that dating site that I was in a divorce support group with when my marriage ended a few years ago. I sent her a message, just to say hello and to have a merry Christmas. I wasn’t expecting anything back, and I guess it’s good that I don’t expect much out of women around my area these days, because that’s what comes to me. Is simple politeness that difficult for some people these days?

    It’s hard to not be bitter anymore. The women I saw earlier this year, I was a gentleman, and I treated them with the respect they deserved. When I messaged any woman on the dating site, I always sent them decent messages about something they wrote on their profiles because I wanted to know the person.

    It’s Xmas time, and for four years running, I get to show up with the boys and myself. I am fortunate that I get to take my boys with me, but I look at all the couples, and I don’t know if I will ever get to be part of that again. I thought I might have a chance earlier this year but that faded way.Heck, now my nephews are starting to bring girlfriends to these gatherings. I just look forward to the gathering ending.

    I have come to the point that I feel like I am not worth the effort for women to be around me or even get to know me better. The one that I tried to build a life with, basically tries to use me when it’s convenient for her. When my ex decided to go to her work party a week ago tonight, the boys were at her place. When I talked to them at 9:30, they were told by her that she wasn’t sure when she would home, and they had been alone for 5 hours. They are 14 and 11, and I know they aren’t babies, but they had school the next day.

    I texted and asked her why they couldn’t come to my place if she was going to be out late. Her response was to tell me to f-off. I let her know that if she still wasn’t there by 11:30, the boys were coming home to me. She ended up getting there by about midnight. Not before blasting me with a barrage of insults because I wanted to be with my boys while she wanted to stay out all hours.
    I have my sons all of Xmas this year. Today I receive a text from her asking to have the boys with her for a few hours on xmas day. It’s like she never said a word to me and never did anything that was selfish towards the kids. She just wants to use me again, like she did and has tried to for years. By the way, she doesn’t have a boyfriend this year, so that’s why she is asking. She never asked any other year they were with me.

    I sound like a wallowing wimp. I can’t help it. I feel like I will never have a relationship, a special connection to someone again. I see people do it more than once. I see people who have it and it’s like they figured out the right way to do things. It’s like something I thought I use to know but it’s like that is a lifetime ago.

    It sucks to not believe in something that you thought was so special at one time, and that you had faith that you could always get it again.

    #69631
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Steve,
    I understand your frustration. It’s hard to feel undesired when you just so desperately want to find a good relationship to be in. With that said, I think you need to slow down and take a step back. Your frustration and desperation towards the situation is what I believe your problem is. Those negative emotions are always going to yield negative results for you. Your mindset isn’t focused on finding what you’re looking for, your mindset is focused on what you don’t have and your ego craves that ‘woe is me’ attitude. The more you think about how you don’t have what you want or how low your self-confidence is the more those negative emotions are going to grow. Your thoughts create your reality and in turn, begin to shape who you become.

    Consider for a moment that sometimes finding that one person requires effort and work? Have you ever given up on something you loved this easily? If you’re honestly willing to give up, then give up because that feeling is telling you that you don’t want it enough. If you truly know what you want then nothing should stop you. You should be willing to overcome all obstacles for the things you truly want. It doesn’t sound like a question of not being desired by the opposite sex, it sounds like a question of your motivation behind wanting to be with someone. People will only value and appreciate you if YOU appreciate and value yourself.

    If you’re using women to feel good about yourself or just trying to hook up, then you won’t find a good relationship. You won’t find a decent woman that way. Intelligent, strong women don’t want to be a crutch. They want a partner in crime. I mean, would you want to be with someone who just used you to feel good about themselves? Using anyone in that way will come back to bite you. I assure you, Karma is a very real thing. But, if you’re truly a good guy and have good intentions behind this, then return to your outlook on this situation. Make it a positive one.

    Almost man goes through what you’re going through, including myself. If you choose to learn from this experience it can teach you to appreciate the woman that does give you her love and trust, it can deepen your understanding of what you truly want, who you truly are, and what you’re willing to do for the things that matter to you. This experience is a mirror, a reflection of you and your intention, and instead of criticizing what you see, accept where you are right now and choose to grow stronger from it. A good woman deserves a good man and if you don’t know if you’re a good man or not, you’re not ready for a relationship like that yet.

    When you can be effortlessly feel confident in who you are, where you are, and sure of what you want, the things you truly want will naturally start to take form in your life. So, be patient, love yourself, know what you want, and be sure that you can handle the responsibility of being in a relationship. Do that and I know you will succeed.

    Thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you need any more advice.

    #69643
    Katie
    Participant

    Hey Steve!

    I think Adam said it pretty well. From what you’ve said, I’m sure you’re not looking for a hook up or someone to make you feel good about yourself – but I do wonder if you are looking for a woman to make you feel whole. Like you can’t really be happy until you find that woman. You are not a wallowing wimp – you are a dad who cares about his kids. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to KNOW what a good person you are and want to share that with someone and have it reciprocated!! But I think the lesson right now is in being able to accept a little rejection and just knowing that those women are not the one for you. It seems the dating site is creating more negative feelings in you than positive – I think it’s probably a good step to get out of it for a little while. Do you need to wait till your subscription is up? I know it feels like you’re wasting money, but is that money worth the frustration, second guessing and growing feelings of inferiority the site is stirring up in you? When I deactivated my profile, I still had most of the month left. But I decided I was just going to have to eat it. And for me right now, it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself this month. Just focusing on myself….not what other people think of me, not whether so and so likes me….not worrying if I’m only attracted to guys that are “out of my league”…ugh. Glad to be off of it. That doesn’t mean at some point in the future I won’t get back on, but hopefully it will be at a time when some rejection won’t make me question MYSELF.

    You feel like you won’t have a relationship or a special connection to someone again. Steve, I totally get this feeling. I have it a lot. But it is all ANXIETY. Not real. None of us have any idea what is just around the corner. Wouldn’t you rather be happy either way – regardless of how long it takes you to meet your special person? And I know you’re just not feeling it right now. Take small steps. Gratitude journals are kind of a trend right now, but I think it’s really worth a shot – it kind of retrains your brain to find the positive things in your life, no matter how small. Do you take a multi-vitamin? Sounds kind of lame, but I found one for women that I swear helps me feel better (more energy, less moody) – they make one for men as well (http://www.amazon.com/Super-Nutrition-Simply-One-Men/dp/B00028NDLI). I also found this magnesium supplement (http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Vitality-Calm-Raspberry-Lemon/dp/B00BPUY3W0/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1419257101&sr=1-1&keywords=natural+calm) that definitely helps me when I’m stressing/just not feeling right, etc. Also making sure I drink lots of water and eat a mostly whole foods, plant based diet. Sorry if this sounds preachy or off topic, it’s just things I know make me feel good – regardless of what kind of shit is going on in my life. Focus on taking care of yourself.

    #69680
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks for your input Adam. I know that I have a lot of negative thoughts going through my head right now, and I know that it only brings more negativity into my life. I shouldn’t have said that I was giving up. I should have said that I was giving up, for the time being. The thing is, I never gave up on something that I loved. I loved my ex at one time, and I fought way too hard for our marriage. It took me six months to give up fighting for it after it ended, and that’s after finding out that she had cheated on me for at least a year.

    I don’t know if you were making an assumption that I use women to feel good or for a hookup. I don’t do either one of those, and even when I was a young guy, I wasn’t like that either. I want a shared connection with someone and when we spend time together, it’s meaningful. And yes, I think I am a good guy. Especially when I hear how other guys brag about how they treated women they dated or in a relationship with. I always wanted to have a good relationship with someone. I just picked the wrong person and stayed with her too long.

    In summer, I felt confident about things. More confident than I have in a long time. I guess that’s why a number of women were attracted to me then.

    #69696
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Katie,
    I read your response too, and I had to really think about everything that both you and Adam said. I don’t know if I was looking for someone to make me feel whole again. When I had finally done some dating, after so long, it felt like I was moving forward again in my life. For the last four years I have taken so many steps backwards,in so many areas of my life, that it felt like I was moving forward for a change. I would never think to use someone to just make me feel good. I always wanted the other person to feel good about what was going on.

    I don’t think it’s really a matter of only being happy if I find a woman. I just enjoyed getting to know women again. You can only hang around other guys and your sons so much. There are other things that I decided to focus on right now. Financially, I have to get myself in a better place. The stress of that can’t be helping the energy that I am putting out into the universe. I try to be grateful for what I have. I’ve done some journaling, but it something that I have to make a habit, for it to be effective. Meditation is something that I should be doing again.

    I guess I was being human about this whole thing. I finally got back a little something for a short time that I lost a while ago, and I wanted it more because of that. Thanks for being understanding Katie. I do take multi vitamins and I have started exercising again. I’ve decided that right now isn’t my time and that I need to do some things to put myself in a better place. For my sons and me.

    #69701
    Katie
    Participant

    Yes, Steve! I think that’s great – it may not be what you really want right now, but to have other goals (exercising, getting to a better place financially) is really important in getting out of this slump and into a more positive head space. I really feel for you, because I can tell from what you write that you are a genuine guy with a good heart. That’s why I know that when the time is right, you will find a person that finally deserves you. I’m trying to do the same things…focusing on my other goals so regardless of what happens right now in terms of relationships, I am making progress in my life and figuring out things I enjoy.

    Have a great Christmas, Steve 🙂

    #69702
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Katie, I appreciate all the kind words and I wish you a merry Christmas too

    #69962
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Women confuse me. I left my dating profile up until the end of the month but not planning to pursue anyone. One woman keeps checking out my profile, so a couple of days before xmas, I send her a message telling her to have a merry Christmas. She responds and wants to get to know each other. When I start to send her messages and ask her a little about herself, and how things have been, she sends short messages saying she will get back to me. After my last message, she hasn’t gotten back to me. I give up for now.

    I know it is around xmas time. People get busy, I know that. I’m busy. I have two kids who were with me over the entire time at Christmas, but I still quickly sent a message to this woman, so give me a break already. If people are on the site anyways, what is the big effort in messaging someone back. It goes back to that whole courtesy thing where you don’t lead people on or leave them hanging.

    #69966
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    I had a similiar situation happend to me recently and have to admit that it’s pretty annoying, especially when it adds another straw to the donkey’s back. I sometimes wonder if it is because of something I said or something about the time of the year or whatever. The thing is that it could literally be a million things and it’s not worth it to stress over someone you barely knew. It’s particular tough around this time of the year when couples are celebrating left righ and centre but be thankful that at least you are not this guy:

    http://observer.com/2011/12/new-york-investment-banker-sends-1615-word-email-re-you-leading-him-on-during-your-date-together/

    #69970
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Yue,

    I can’t really say that I am stressed over it. I didn’t know the person so it doesn’t matter to me. I’m just saying, if you say you are interested and you want to try to get to know someone, then just try. I read one woman’s profile on that site that summed things up fairly well. She said that people seemed to just want to “window shop” and really not want to meet anyone. I will be fine not being with anyone at this time of year. It would just be nice to get to know some women and then maybe I’ll be sharing this time with one of them next year.

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