- This topic has 36 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
December 15, 2014 at 8:29 pm #69306AnonymousInactive
After roughly two and a half months since a woman I was seeing broke it off with me, I finally gave up on online dating. I probably tried to contact about two dozen women in that time, and after not one message back, I gave up. It is demoralizing. Back in summer, I had great success. There were several women interested in me and I dated two of them. Unfortunately, neither worked out. Since then, it feels like I had one streak of good fortune, and that’s all I’m going to get.
It’s funny how these women all want an honest, decent, respectful guy. Yet, when someone takes the time to read their profile, and construct a nice message for them, they can’t even say, “No thanks”. Then they complain about not wanting liars, cheaters, creeps, and addicts. It just doesn’t make any sense.
I went through a terrible marriage breakdown where the person I thought I loved cheated on me for a year. In the 19 years that we were together, I was always there for her and for my kids. I worked hard and made sacrifices for what was best for everyone. I don’t do drugs. I never once thought of cheating on her, and if I have a beer or two, every 4 or 5 months, then I’ve done some drinking. What am I doing wrong? Why don’t women want that?
You spend your life trying to be a decent person, but it’s like a lot of these women go for the lowlifes, and then get jaded because they make bad choices.
When I was on there, I saw a woman who is the mother of one of my boy’s former friends. She gave me her phone number immediately and we started talking quite a bit. It seemed like she was attracted to me. I came clean after a while and just simply said that I was attracted to her. Nothing more. Her response was, ” A lot of the people say that to me” and that was it. Now it just feels like she is toying with me and I’m going to be cutting off the conversation with her too.
It seems like online dating is one massive ego boost for women and one massive kick in the ass for men. Does sites like that build up vanity in a lot of women? I’m not being arrogant when I say this but I am a nice looking man, and more people than my mom have said it to me 🙂 But I get completely cold shouldered by a variety of women.
I’ve always focused on my sons and that will never change. I would love to have that feeling of being close to someone again, but no one wants it with me. It frustrates me because I was a relationship guy.December 15, 2014 at 9:41 pm #69312MayaParticipant
You want Love…still ur in that state…so only your attracting wrong people…be the love u seek… ur ideal girl will be present in no time…
Its good to be a good man… that you are !!
but dont seek validation for ur Goodness..
ur already worthy…know that.December 15, 2014 at 10:38 pm #69317MayaParticipant
Steve i personally think ladies love good n fine men like You.December 16, 2014 at 4:11 am #69328SmurfetteParticipant
🙂 I can’t help but smile while I was reading this post. No offense meant to you, Steve. Reading through it, I saw myself. I used to ask the same questions, perhaps even more – what’s wrong with me? Don’t I deserve to be loved and be with someone? Is there nobody for me out there?
I believe I am a good person. I know I am honest. I know that I have a good heart and I was raised to be a good woman. As much as possible, I keep away from hurting other people, even to the extent of sacrificing how I feel just so I could spare them from possible hurt feelings. I may not the best, but I am also far from being worst. Despite all the sacrifices and my being nice, still it’s a “me against the whole world” thing. Here I am, still alone, only wanted when friends need something from me. I do not feel like I am remembered or regarded by them, the way I do for them. I may not be miserable but it’s a lonely world when you’re all alone. How I wish I would have someone who would see me in a different way…someone special. But then I realized that if I wallow in that feeling of longing to belong to someone, I might end up losing even my own self. So I decided not to depend my happiness on others, I told myself that I have to be happy even when I am alone and love myself even more so that when someone comes along, I can share love freely because I have loved myself enough. Because I am just human and not perfect, I sometimes waiver and succumb to the loneliness deep within my heart but I always tell myself that I shouldn’t have a weak disposition in life because I will only live once and for that, I should live my life fully. Life gets shorter everyday, so I shouldn’t waste any minute sulking in a corner. I think happy thoughts – sometimes my mind would wander far beyond reality (coz it’s nice there, everything is easy, beautiful, happy, all ideals happen in a fantasy world, right?) but I always bring myself back to reality because this is where I currently am. And being alone is my reality so I should face it and live through it everyday with a smile. 🙂
All I’m saying is, love – always have love because with love in your heart, nothing would go wrong, it would always make you happy. 🙂 Without a date, you can still share love around – your kids, your friends, pets, etc. In God’s own time, in your own time, you’ll find someone who’s meant for you, a someone you will have in your life and who would be happy to have you in her life. Just trust Him. He knows the deepest desires of your heart and when you ask Him, He’ll give it to you. 🙂 Have a good day, Steve!
P.S. Singleness didn’t kill me, I’m sure it won’t kill you too! (just planting a smile on your face :D)December 16, 2014 at 11:14 am #69352KatieParticipant
Massive ego boost for women? No way. Unfortunately, I think any sensitive person (m or f) who is looking for something real is going to have a hard time with online dating. I had some luck with a go-round a few months ago, tried it again a week ago and had to deactivate my profile within a couple days because it was just too depressing and I have too much to grow on before I’m ready for it. Personally, I’ve had to confront the fact that I actually do seem to be drawn to the guys that need some kind of fixing. Guys that are unavailable for one reason or another, even if it’s not readily apparent. I’m still trying to figure out the reason for this, but I am hopeful because I am actually figuring out what the problem is. 🙂
While I wouldn’t say most women go for men with issues, I would say a lot do. For me, I have started tracing this back to patterns with my mom. She’s bi-polar. So lots of emotional ups and downs. All the time. So in some way, I think I have started equating emotional waves and tumultuousness with connection, love and passion. And emotional stability and steadiness with boring/not-connecting/not getting me, etc.
I don’t know what the deal is with the women you’ve contacted, but I would urge you to remain sure of the fact that it is not YOU, it’s THEM. While I’m sure this doesn’t do much to lessen the frustration of it, I think you should remain hopeful that you will find the right person for you when the time is right. Being 100% single for the first time in 10 years freaks me out a little. But when I’m not having my moments of panic (“ahhhh I’m going to be alone FOREVER.”), I can see that this single time right now is really what I need to in order to be able to attract and maintain a truly healthy relationship when the time comes (hopefully sooner than later).December 16, 2014 at 3:55 pm #69372AnonymousInactive
I don’t think I am seeking validation for trying to be a good person. I think I just want the connection again. Right now, I’m starting to wonder if I’m the guy I was before. It’s been almost four years since I’ve been single and I’m starting to get bitter from this whole situation.
Smurfette, when it comes to other people, I will speak my mind if something is bothering me. I realized a while ago that you can’t please everyone. I know that I can share love with the people closet to me. My kids, family, and friends know that I love them. It’s just a different way of connecting when you have someone that you love that way, and I miss that.
Katie, I wasn’t trying to generalize that all women get a massive ego boost when they are online dating. I do know that they get a lot of messages and some must get a swelled head from all the attention. Also, I understand that a lot of women get crude sexual proposals for men on those sites, and scumbags like that help ruin it for guys who want to try to build a meaningful relationship. Is that why you went off after such a short time or did you just not want to be there?
Yesterday, I said that women complained about not wanting cheaters, liars, creeps ,and addicts. I forgot to put that they usually finish that with, “been there, done that” Why would women repeatedly go for a guy like that? You mentioned that you were attracted to guys that weren’t available. I use to have a friend like that. He would put his profile up, be interested in a woman, get her to sleep with him, find something wrong with her, and then be so aloof with her that she finally gave up on him. When I knew him, he did this over and over for years. It was in my moral makeup to do this, and I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.
I use to be hopeful about what could happen with someone. I felt that way in the years after my marriage ended, and I wasn’t even ready to look for someone. I was hopeful when I found success with the women I dated in summer and early fall. One I cared about a lot but it wasn’t there for her. I find I can’t be hopeful right now. I can’t make that real at the moment.December 16, 2014 at 4:58 pm #69376AnneParticipant
Maybe shift the focus a bit? Instead of looking for a connection, just meet people and see if something develops organically. Maybe the kind of woman you want to date is the kind who wouldn’t want to feel that there’s a plan straightaway?December 16, 2014 at 5:51 pm #69377YueParticipant
I can understand your frustration because every man have been rejected by a woman at some stage in our lives. The truth is, dating is different for men and women in that women are likely to get more attention (especially on the Internet) but they have their own set of challenges to deal with as well. For instance, when was the last time you went on a date and felt physically threatened because you don’t want to sleep with the other person? Or the last time someone lied to you purely to get you in bed and make you feel used the next day? Or becoming pregnant because of a one night stand? Sure rejections sting but they are nothing compare to problems women face when they are romantically involved with someone.
I also agree with Anne, in that instead of looking for a relationship, just meet people and let things develop organically. Dating is supposed to be fun and it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and yourself if you are always looking for an outcome.December 16, 2014 at 8:37 pm #69379AnonymousInactive
The first time was fun. The women I dated and I had a good time together, and I just wanted to get to know them better. I never went in with a plan. When I messaged women recently, I was general and said something about their profile. I never once said anything about having a connection and I know that you need time to see if anything happens. Yeah, dating is supposed to be fun, but when you can’t even get anyone to respond to a decent polite message, how much fun is that?
Yue, you mentioned a lot of situations that women face in the dating world. They are foreign to me and I think that lowlifes do stuff like that. I have never done anything that you mentioned to any woman. They have to want to be with me because we like each other enough. Maybe my constant rejections don’t compare to what some women go through, but having never been that way to a woman, facing a ton of rejection still bothers me.
Just to let you know, the last woman I met with before this big drought happened was very sexually aggressive. I’m the one that was uncomfortable, and I backed away from that situation because it didn’t feel right. This wasn’t the one who broke it off with me. I would have still been dating that woman, if things worked out. This another woman, I met once for a few hours, and she was a little obsessive.December 16, 2014 at 9:20 pm #69382AnonymousInactive
Yue, I just wanted you to know one more thing. I know exactly what it is like to be used by someone and lied to constantly. For at least a year, I was the only person making sure that my kids got to all their doctors appointments, lessons, and activities. I made sure my home was taken care of, the bills were paid, groceries were bought, and we had a enough money coming in. I had to do this because the lowlife I married was too busy and preoccupied with having an affair to care about what we had for 19 years. I felt used for a long time after that because all I was good for was the work and the money.December 17, 2014 at 4:04 am #69391AnonymousInactive
It sounds like you’ve had your fair share of head-fuckery courtesy of the species of women.
Darn those creatures.
I’m sorry to hear that, and about your wife cheating on you. It happens to a lot of us.
But it must have been terrible, so you deserve credit for making it through.
*Pat on the back*
Remember though, not all women are the same. Just like not all guys are disloyal pricks on steroids (as many women complain) .
You need to remember how a dating site works.
It’s much like a bar.
There are ALWAYS more men.
And some girls love the attention. They need it to fill the emptiness inside their soul.
I had similar problems for a long time on a dating site.
I went on a lot of dates last year. And a few this year.
Some girls I messaged blanked me too.
I’d say I’m also alright looking.
Maybe an 8 out of 10.
Things did work out for me, but I had to be patient and was very close to giving up.
I’ve been with my girlfriend, Ellen, for 9 months now and it’s bizarre to think I didn’t know her a year ago.
She’s perfect for me and we have a lot in common.
A lot of girls are vain. I mean, everyone is shallow to a degree. I’m sure you’re not messaging a certain class of girl.
If I ever got messaged first, it was from … well, dogs, frankly. (I sound like a douche for saying ‘dogs’, but they weren’t easy on the eye… it fact, my eyes hurt afterwards). The hot girls get a lot of messages though. Friends I hung out with at work at the time – girls – would sometimes get 50 messages a day. Albeit, that was when they were new to the site (Plenty of Fish). But that’s madness. They probably have the option to pick and choose and some will choose abs over personality. And then complain in 3 months when their man cheats on them in a club.
To cut this short, you win some and lose some.
You have to be prepared to accept being messed around.
But, keep the faith and realise that every time something doesn’t work out, you’re closer to the right lady.
And when someone responds to a compliment with ‘That’s what lots of guys tell me’, cut them loose and move on.
Nobody got time for that!
Hope this helps bud.December 17, 2014 at 6:01 am #69394KatieParticipant
There were several reasons I hopped off after such a short time. I never got any really nasty messages, but definitely some where I could tell the guy was just throwing out lines at everyone. Mostly though, I realized I wasn’t ready to be dating. I need some time on my own to feel really ok with being alone. So that the next time I’m in a relationship I don’t repeat the same insecure, anxiety based patterns. I think in the past I put everything into relationships and then get terrified that they will end, so I end up smothering and killing it. While I can’t take 100% responsibility for the end of my relationships, I don’t want to do what I have been doing anymore!! The kicker for me realizing I wasn’t ready for online dating was the fact that I started talking to a guy who was an (self-admitted and pretty apparent) alcoholic, didn’t have a job or license, and was clearly drunk every time we talked. Buttttt I thought we had a “connection” so after just talking to him for a couple days I was already starting to think about him and how it could work. And then one morning after staying up way too late talking to him on the phone, and then getting my feelings a little hurt when he abruptly ended the conversation, I asked myself “why the hell are you doing this??!!” Like, why was I sacrificing my sleep, my happiness, my peace….for someone who clearly did not have his shit together and was really just looking for someone to take care of him and fix him. Ughhh sorry so long, but it’s been quite the self-realizing last couple weeks.
I think the last thing you should do is give up hope, Steve. It’s frustrating for sure, and a little scary as well…but there are so many people out there. And there are a lot of good ones. Just because it hasn’t happened now that you are ready for it to happen does not mean that it won’t when the time is right!! You just have to have faith that the love you have is meant to be shared with someone who deserves it. I like being a part of a couple too. Sharing things with someone who’s your best friend and your lover…it’s awesome. I wonder if part of the reason your attitude has shifted is because you’re finding that it’s not as easy to find someone as maybe you thought it would be when you first signed up on the site? So maybe you’re becoming a little more desperate and serious about it – and, as you said – bitter. I can tell you from my short time on the site, I could spot the guys who were jaded and bitter, and I wanted nothing to do with them. I was looking for someone happy in his own life….because that’s where I’m getting to. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting the dating thing on the back burner for a while…focusing on things that actually do make you happy. Maybe pick up a new hobby, spend time with friends or family you haven’t seen in a while? Orrr….binge watch tv shows. You can do this for FREE by picking stuff up from the library. 😉December 17, 2014 at 11:53 am #69416PoochParticipant
Besides your two sons and finding a special someone, do you have any other passion that you can immerse yourself into? It seems that you’re focusing on something that is very elusive, so why not focus on something that makes you happy and fulfilled that you can find inside you.
You are most attractive when you are happy being just you, and enjoying life and your own passions (besides spending time with another).
Also, I could be wrong, but if you have this negative notion of women out there because of your experience (I sense some bitterness), then you will carry this energy with you and it is not attractive. Surely, there are real, sincere women out there who want the same thing as you. Sorry if I’m being blunt, but just my perception and opinion from what I have gathered from reading your post. If I’m wrong, I apologize.
Either way, I wish you well in this journey.December 17, 2014 at 5:37 pm #69433AnonymousInactive
I have been in your shoes quite a bit concerning online dating. It is like a crap shoot, where the odds aren’t always in your favor. Sure, they look and sound like the perfect catch. Once you actually meet them, then you don’t know what to expect. I met at least three and they didn’t quite work to my advantage. The first few months were amazing but then something makes it come to a halt. This happened to me recently and we had a good relationship for a couple years. She only visited me once but it turned out to be a one night stand. She had no intention of uprooting her life on the east coast to spend it with me. Yet, she had assured me not to worry. Unfortunately, the worse case scenario fell into place. She blocked me from her phone, so that I couldn’t call or text (she had a full time job) That was the first red flag. She felt it might be better to email back and forth. This felt odd, I have a hard time trying to communicate effectively in a situation like that. To make a long story short, she “kicked me to the curb” so to speak. I was blamed for everything from A-Z. My next endeavor, in a dating relationship, I will handle it with an open mind but also protect myself from further pain. I hope what I and the other supporters said helped. Thank you for sharing this. Good luckDecember 17, 2014 at 9:14 pm #69440AnonymousInactive
I understand the whole online dating scene being like a bar scene. This doesn’t bode well for me because I was sick of the bar by the time I was 21. I won’t rate himself on a scale but I’ve been told that I’m a good looking guy by women. I can’t use the same description that you used to describe certain women that messaged you. It feels wrong for me to say that about someone who was born that way. There were some women that I just wasn’t attracted to messaging me, and I just thank them and tell them I’m not interested. It doesn’t take much to show that small courtesy and it would be nice to get the same. As far as the girls that I contacted go. I actually read their profiles. I don’t go for the party girls or the ones that think they are beauty queens. I’ve tried to find women with some depth and that have a down to earth attractiveness. Basically, the girl next door and a personality that is nothing like my ex’s.
It’s nice to hear you found a good woman that you enjoy being with. I thought I found one that I had a lot in common with me, and that had a lot of the same traits as me but it didn’t work out, and that’s one that I still think about sometimes. By the way, I haven’t messaged the woman who told me that a lot of people say she is attractive. I don’t have time for someone that shallow and that thrives on attention.
Katie and Pooch, I don’t know if I’m more serious than when I first went on the site. All of the rejection just makes you feel a little funny about the whole deal with online dating. Nothing about how my profile is written or how I send messages would make women think that I am jaded or bitter. Maybe people can sense that I want it too much and aren’t interested. Who knows.
As far as passions go, I don’t have a lot of them. I have always liked my music, and I play guitar, but I haven’t been playing much lately. I have focused so much on my sons’ happiness that it seems I haven’t really focused on mine enough. I know I need to get myself out there more and try different things. It is difficult when you spent so much time making sure everyone else was ok, it’s like you don’t know how to do it anymore.
I’ll admit that I do have bitterness towards my ex. I can’t help that because she was a shitty wife and she is a shitty mother. It’s difficult to not be bothered by someone who is always completely selfish and always puts herself before anyone. If this sounds like a rant, you would understand it if you met her.
When I dated those women in summer and fall, they knew some of my history and I knew some of theirs. One woman had the same thing happen to her. When I spent time with them, it was light and enjoyable. I look for women that aren’t like my ex and that’s what made one of the women especially great. I know that all women won’t be like the person I was with. I try to always go into things like this with a an optimistic outlook. I believe that there are plenty of good women out there.
James, I wish you good luck. I guess we have to keep believing that things will get better.