Dear Sofioula:

July 9 this year, you wrote: “I’ve been ‘sober’ from my ex consistently now.. I feel I was born recently. It literally feels I’m alive, that I just landed on this place and body… It’s plain reality and it feels so damn good!!!.. negative emotions don’t shake you, rather they are shaping you”.

Less than six months later, this Christmas Day, I believe it is the anniversary of your relationship, those negative emotions are shaking you today.

Those emotions shook you before, you recovered and today, they are shaking you again. Don’t be alarmed. It is the shaking of an aftershock. It’s not the original earthquake. It will not last as long as the original. Calm down, take deep breaths, stop the panic, and you will see: you will feel better.

It is the anniversary of the relationship, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Sofioula:

Don’t worry about being scrambled eggs. I am glad you are feeling much better. I need to be away from the computer for a few hours. Sometime later today or tomorrow morning, I want to re-read your previous posts so to understand better what is going on with you. If you can, please add any information that might help me understand better what happened in that relationship, prior relationships, relationships with parents, and so  forth. I don’t remember if we talked about psychotherapy/ counseling?

I will be back in a few hours. Have a .. Merrier Christmas, merrier than what it was earlier!

anita

Dear Sofioula:

I studied our previous communication on your previous threads. I found the June-July exchange of this year most valuable. First a summary: Back in December 2017, at 23, you had your first date with a man. The third date with him was “the most amazing day of my life”, you wrote. “He said that we’re a couple, he introduced me to  his friends, was always dancing with me, hugging and kissing me”. During your relationship with him, the two of you “texted all day everyday”, he complimented you, praised you, said he was sad when you were sad, “We would kiss, touch and hug constantly.. He would hold my hand constantly whilst driving”, and he told you that he loved you.

But his status on social media throughout the relationship was Single.  He had a car but didn’t offer to bring you to his place and instead, you took 3 busses and walked a whole lot so to arrive at his place on the days and times that were convenient to him. When you stayed over at his place Sat night, he had an alarm clock set for early Sun morning because he wanted you to leave early. “He used to lie about things”, you wrote, and gave an example: “A lipstick stained glass I found at his place, saying it was his mom’s”. One time you were very ill, feverish, and in his place, and yet, he didn’t offer to give you a ride back home. Instead, you took the 3 busses back home. When you got home that night, you texted him that you “love him so much and.. was so lucky to have him”.

During the relationship, you “cooked for him, did his pile of dishes and gave him massages every single week”. You told him that you loved flowers. And yet, he never offered you a single flower.

Sexually, this  man was your first. You wrote: “I enjoy and adore being submissive and/ or mistreated.. Liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage.. Explode, burst.. angry at sex.. violent (not to the point of harming me tho) is what I find sexy.. My role is to accept all of it and to obey his needs. Kind of like a rugdoll… I .. like to be active but only for the part of his pleasure…I really enjoy being restrained”.

But it is not he who introduced this type of sexual dynamic to you, and reads to me he wasn’t that fond of it himself. Neither was it a man prior to him who introduced this dynamic to you (this man was your first).

On Dec 15, 2018, following a year of this relationship, you told him that in 2-3 years,  you want “to start a family and get married”. His response was that he didn’t see you as the one, that the two of you will break up eventually, and that you “would be a great mother and wife for another man”. You broke up with him but you kept calling him and he called you. Sometime in later December, you “called him to give him one last chance”, and he “yelled and screamed ” at you, told you that he doesn’t have time for you, you then called him again Dec 25, 2017 and he “said we’re over”.

You described submissive behaviors with other people as well. In April this year, you wrote: “Previously (like a month ago) I wouldn’t even stand up for myself, knowing I was wronged or mistreated. Even when a stranger pushed me on the street for example, I wouldn’t say anything, not wanting to be rude”. You have given and given to friends who didn’t reciprocate, being used, and you wrote: “I am easy prey for the hunters out there”.

About your childhood, you shared that your sister was “FULL of anger and explosive behaviors and your parents’ “main preoccupation.. the center of my parents’ attention”, while you were “the exact opposite, the obedient one, the selfless in order to be a priority”. Your parents communicated to you that unlike your sister, you don’t need their attention, because you are strong. “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am.. And when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”.

And now, some of my understanding today: seems to me that in addition to submissiveness being your familial role as a child, a role that continued into your young adulthood (we discussed this in your June thread), the reason you find appeal in  being sexually submissive, being restrained and obedient to the man,  is in this sentence that you wrote regarding your parents: “when I truly am helpless, they don’t get it”, and in these sentences: “I don’t want to always have to be strong. But no one actually believes I’m low when I am”.

I think that throughout the years of your childhood, you wanted your parents to see you being weak, what you referred to as “low”, and as “helpless”. Because you needed their help, you needed them to  pick you up, so that you are no longer low. It is a craving, to be seen as weak, low, helpless. It is a social and sexual craving.

What I wrote just above is my new understanding of today. Please tell me what you think of  it, and if you want, I hope we can communicate further here, on your new thread.

anita

* I noticed you posted another post- will you  please edit it and resubmit it without those boxes that interfere with clarity?

anita

[I don’t know your whole story with this person so I’m just commenting on what you’ve posted here]

You’re not a failure. I know all too well that feeling, but trust me, you’re not. You’ve been sober for some time, that’s not nothing. You may have slipped, but you got back up. That means you’re not a failure. You keep going, which makes you strong. My godmother was an alcoholic, in her depressed states she would slip, but she would try again. I can say a failure is someone who refuses to try. Personally, when I feel like this, I have an inspirational playlist to listen to [granted, it’s mostly Pink songs, but she’s always inspired me]

I also understand your loneliness. Nobody talks to you, you feel forgotten and left out. However,  sometimes we need to reach out. Life gets in the way, and sometimes people get use to not texting/calling [especially with the stress of the holidays] and I know it can feel like you’re always reaching out, but makes you the stronger person. You care, and if you make it a point to talk at the same time each week, it will become a habit the other person will want to continue. Remember, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Seek out new connections, new friends, new hobbies. I spent years only being at work or at home, rarely texting or seeing old friends or family. Earlier this year a regular at my work invited me to the movies and we’ve become amazing friends and hang out once a week. I’m saying, as scary as it is, perhaps take a step out of your comfort zone and try a hobby or meet one new person. They don’t have to be a potential romantic partner [I feel you should heal first] but to have someone help bring that joy back into your life is paramount.

As for this person, I know they seem like a big deal, but you can love yourself. You don’t need anyone. If it’s meant to be, they will return, but only after you have grown and healed. Otherwise, history will repeat itself. If they don’t return, it simply means there’s someone greater waiting for you. Focus on the good, talk to a therapist, work to grow, keep going. I know it sucks right now, especially when you’re in the dark place, but keep going, and you’ll find the light at the end. [I know that’s cliche, but it’s true. We all need to remind ourselves when things are terrible, there is sunshine ahead]

love and light to you