You deserve kindness PetalintheWind

Dear Petalinthewind:

You shared that your parents fought when you were a child. It is always scary for a child to watch and/ or hear her parents’ fights. Fights, aggression, violence, be it physical or verbal, loud sounds, much anger… all that is very scary for a child. No wonder you were an anxious child. Naturally, you were anxious when they were fighting, and you were anxious when they were not fighting because you were afraid of the next time they will fight, wondering things like: father’s voice sounds different, does it mean that he is drunk? Mother’s face looks angry, is a fight about to happen?

For a child with fighting parents, life is about wondering every day: when will my whole world end? Because for a child, especially a young child, the parents are the whole world!

You were anxious and lonely as a child, turning to food for comfort. Fast forward, you are an anxious and lonely woman, a married woman “in a lonely marriage“, turning to food for comfort. And then, in your familiar loneliness, you met a man you once loved.

“We became friends” – for a lonely child/ lonely woman, having a friend is WONDERFUL, a way of finally not be so alone and lonely!

“He warmed his way back into my emotions” – to be lonely feels cold and dark, to have a friend feels warm, like being under a pleasant sun in a beautiful day, smiling.

“He led me to believe he had the same situation as I” – you felt that you were no longer alone in a lonely marriage, that he too was alone in a lonely marriage. Two lonely people finding each other, no longer alone, no longer lonely.

* It reminds me how alone and lonely I was as a child, the loneliest and saddest child in the world, so it felt. All other children seemed happy, playing with each other. Oh, how envious I was, how much I wanted to be happy like them!

“I opened up to him and let myself fall for him” – you thought that the two of you were two of a kind, two lonely children, so to speak, finding each other.

“Until I realised he loved his wife very much and admitted it when I confronted him” – you thought that the two of you were two of a kind, but then you realized that he was like… the rest of his kind: happy with other people, while you were again, all alone in the corner, watching other people being happy. Is this how you felt?

“Every day I hurt and as… I have to hear and see him caring for his wife” – this reminds me again of myself, how I spent so much time, seems like eternity, watching other people care for each other, other people happy together, while I was all alone, watching, envying, wanting to be them.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .

Dear Petalinthewind:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

“He told me once that I would never be lonely again” – it is so easy to say words, so quick, so effortless… for those who don’t care about following their words with actions or any real, ongoing effort.

“I asked him at Christmas for a phone call and he told me he would not be able to talk to me for 3 weeks” – a phone call was an action he was not willing to take, an effort he was not willing to exercise.

“He loved his wife very much and admitted it… he still loved his wife” – the quality of a person’s love for another is tightly connected to the person’s character. His words to you were empty- that’s his character. This means that what he told you about his wife, as well as many of his words directed to his wife were/ are also empty.

“I have had a good day today. I didn’t overeat and I ate healthy” – congratulations for eating healthy and not overeating! I

“I worked really hard and spent time looking after my in laws and cooking for them” – it’s hard work, not words, that you are dingo for your in-laws and for your husband. I hope that they appreciate your hard work and character!

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .

Hi Petalinthewind

That doesn’t surprise me. His wife may be aware of his affairs or at least is intentionally ignoring them.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself about the ice cream! I’m sorry for the pain you suffered over this man.