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Eating my emotions of shame

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  • #394394
    Petalinthewind
    Participant

    I was a fool and let a man who I once loved back into my life . We became friends and over time he wormed his way back into my emotions as I was vulnerable and in a lonely marriage .  He led me to believe he had the same situation as I . I opened up to him and let myself fall for him .  Until I realised he loved his wife very much and admitted it when I confronted him .  Thankfully nothing had happened at this point . I am so grateful . I think he may only have wanted me for the obvious.  I pulled the plug but every day I hurt and as we know each other  I have to hear and see him caring for his wife and I just feel tortured that I let myself be swayed .i am angry that he led me on .  Everyday I say tomorrow I will do better but everyday I bury myself in food to fill my void . I can’t seem to stop .

    it’s been months now. On the outside I’m fine . Myself and my husband are doing better . I’m caring for his parents now and have done all I can to be a better person .  I work hard  but can’t forgive myself . I’m worried my health will suffer if i can’t get a grip and look after it . I’m hoping by writing here will help me .

    #394446
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petalinthewind:

    I am sorry that you are suffering. I wish you no longer suffered. I wish your pain will be gone as quickly as possible! This void you mentioned, the one you try to fill with food- can you tell me more about this void? I wonder if the void was in you ever since you were a child, maybe a sad, lonely child?

    anita

    #394465
    Petalinthewind
    Participant

    Yes Anita thank you , you are right .  I ate as a child too in secret . My dad was an alcoholic and my parents fought .  They were good parents though mostly but I was always anxious.  I always tried to keep the peace and please them . I do that even now still in life . I am  Trying to do better now .

    #394467
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Big Hugs Petal. So sorry this has happened. Please don’t feel bad.  You are only human, and you really didn’t do anything wrong.  You must be a very kind person to be caring for your husbands parents.

    #394469
    Petalinthewind
    Participant

    The kindness shown me here had me in tears .  Thank you honeyblossom

    #394472
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Petalinthewind

    You said yourself that ultimately nothing happened. Worst case you were considering an affair. There is a huge difference between thinking about something and going through with it.

    We all have doubts and fears. Consider the situation that lead to those thoughts occurring. You mentioned that you felt lonely in your marriage at the time and that this man coming into your life was someone that you used to love.

    I think it’s understandable that you had complicated feelings about the whole situation.

    What would you think if a friend were in a similar situation? Would you blame your friend?

    Perhaps, you are feeling guilty not for what happened but what could have happened under different circumstances?

    If he too was lonely in his marriage too and wanted to rekindle a relationship with an old flame. Perhaps you fear that the situation would have ended differently?

    Would your guilt be tied to feelings for your husband? Or do you still feel a desire to leave your marriage?

     

    #394474
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    You deserve kindness PetalintheWind

    #394478
    Tommy
    Participant

    Can not blame yourself for the actions of another. Say, another person is a thief. You are not that person. He may have stolen from you but you are not to blame for the theft. So, this person came back into your life and you fell for him. Only to learn the truth later. You are not to blame. But, you should learn that your actions carry weight, consequences. After this, talking or writing will release some of the tension from this situation. Later, you must let it go and not bring it back to mind. Stay in the present moment and the thoughts will occur less. The memory will fade. (of course, easier said than done).

    What comes to mind is a scene from a movie. The man cheated on his wife. He says to his wife that the affair with the other woman did not mean a thing to him. The wife replies, you threw away our relationship for something that meant nothing to you. Which means that their relationship is equivalent to the affair he had, meant nothing. If you value something then do not throw it away for something else that means nothing. Well, enough from me. Wish you happiness.

    #394487
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petalinthewind:

    You shared that your parents fought when you were a child. It is always scary for a child to watch and/ or hear her parents’ fights. Fights, aggression, violence, be it physical or verbal, loud sounds, much anger… all that is very scary for a child. No wonder you were an anxious child. Naturally, you were anxious when they were fighting, and you were anxious when they were not fighting because you were afraid of the next time they will fight, wondering things like: father’s voice sounds different, does it mean that he is drunk? Mother’s face looks angry, is a fight about to happen?

    For a child with fighting parents, life is about wondering every day: when will my whole world end? Because for a child, especially a young child, the parents are the whole world!

    You were anxious and lonely as a child, turning to food for comfort. Fast forward, you are an anxious and lonely woman, a married woman “in a lonely marriage“, turning to food for comfort. And then, in your familiar loneliness, you met a man you once loved.

    We became friends” – for a lonely child/ lonely woman, having a friend is WONDERFUL, a way of finally not be so alone and lonely!

    He warmed his way back into my emotions” – to be lonely feels cold and dark, to have a friend feels warm, like being under a pleasant sun in a beautiful day, smiling.

    He led me to believe he had the same situation as I” – you felt that you were no longer alone in a lonely marriage, that he too was alone in a lonely marriage. Two lonely people finding each other, no longer alone, no longer lonely.

    * It reminds me how alone and lonely I was as a child, the loneliest and saddest child in the world, so it felt. All other children seemed happy, playing with each other. Oh, how envious I was, how much I wanted to be happy like them!

    I opened up to him and let myself fall for him” – you thought that the two of you were two of a kind, two lonely children, so to speak, finding each other.

    Until I realised he loved his wife very much and admitted it when I confronted him” – you thought that the two of you were two of a kind, but then you realized that he was like… the rest of his kind: happy with other people, while you were again, all alone in the corner, watching other people being happy. Is this how you felt?

    Every day I hurt and as… I have to hear and see him caring for his wife” – this reminds me again of myself, how I spent so much time, seems like eternity, watching other people care for each other, other people happy together, while I was all alone, watching, envying, wanting to be them.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by .
    #394773
    Petalinthewind
    Participant

    @helcat no I would not blame my friend I would support my friend if it was the other way around

    no I don’t feel a desire to leave my marriage now at all .  I  do feel relief nothing happened as the fallout would be horrendous.  I suppose I do feel guilty that I considered it .

    thanks honey blossom .

    Tommy  thanks it does help to write it all out . And it’s a reminder to me how wrong it would have been .

    Anita

    you summed it all up exactly right .  How appt on you are . He told me once that I would never be lonely again . It was words to make me feel special because he succeeded in making me feel lonelier than ever .  How I realised he still loved his wife was a few red flags . One I asked him at Christmas for a phone call and he told me he would not be able to talk to me for 3 weeks .  The second one which is where I copped on . He told me he was booking a 3 week holiday as a surprise for his wife’s birthday ( 60) . I realised then i couldn’t hurt his wife and I couldn’t hurt my family and really I couldn’t hurt myself anymore .   Yes Anita it again made me all alone watching from the outside looking in on happy families.

    i have had a good day today . I didn’t overeat and I ate healthy . I worked really hard and spent time looking after my inlaws and cooking for them .

    Thank you for all the comforting words .  Makes a difference.

     

    #394774
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petalinthewind:

    You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

    He told me once that I would never be lonely again” – it is so easy to say words, so quick, so effortless… for those who don’t care about following their words with actions or any real, ongoing effort.

    I asked him at Christmas for a phone call and he told me he would not be able to talk to me for 3 weeks” – a phone call was an action he was not willing to take, an effort he was not willing to exercise.

    He loved his wife very much and admitted it… he still loved his wife” – the quality of a person’s love for another is tightly connected to the person’s character. His words to you were empty- that’s his character. This means that what he told you about his wife, as well as many of his words directed to his wife were/ are also empty.

    I have had a good day today. I didn’t overeat and I ate healthy” – congratulations for eating healthy and not overeating! I

    I worked really hard and spent time looking after my in laws and cooking for them” – it’s hard work, not words, that you are dingo for your in-laws and for your husband. I hope that they appreciate your hard work and character!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by .
    #394784
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Petalinthewind

    I’m glad to hear that you had a good day!

    It’s natural to consider these things, especially during difficult times. Thoughts and feelings are often spontaneous. We don’t choose how we feel, we choose how we respond to it. You were very careful in how you chose to respond. Well done on protecting yourself and your marriage from this predatory man.

    I agree with Anita’s conclusion about your ex and his character. Chances are if you were willing he would have used you while staying with his wife.

    Is that really love? If anything, he’ll probably move on to looking for another individual he can use while hiding his behaviour from his wife. I feel sorry for her!

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by Helcat.
    #394906
    Petalinthewind
    Participant

    Helcat I actually think he may be involved with another woman .  He has denied it but he stays with this woman for weeks at a time as they work together .  He takes her shopping and to appointments when he stays there . It’s all very bizarre . His wife doesn’t seem to mind so it’s either she trusts him implicitly or maybe she doesn’t be bothered . Maybe she  knows more about him than I thought .

    My days are a bit up and down .  I ate a pint of icecream tonight . Wish I hadn’t .

    Anita you are right words are effortless and actions speak louder . i think you may be right about him being empty . He portrays an image I that he is important and knowledgeable. He definitely has told me lies .

    anyway what does it really matter . I know I escaped without too much harm to anyone really other than myself .it all seems so insignificant too in relation to what is happening in the world

    The world is a crazy place right now  and I pray for peace .

    I appreciate all your kindness towards me

    #394908
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Petalinthewind:

    You are welcome. It is a crazy world indeed, let us not be crazy in this world, let us find and keep our sanity. Thank you for praying for peace!

    anita

    #394909
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Petalinthewind

    That doesn’t surprise me. His wife may be aware of his affairs or at least is intentionally ignoring them.

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself about the ice cream! I’m sorry for the pain you suffered over this man.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 34 total)

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