Dear Anita,

I think what you meant to ask me is to explain how the two contradict each other. You have made a good point by putting the two paragraphs next to each other as they are indeed opposed.

Honestly, I have no idea how to explain it, but I’ll just write down my thoughts hoping that they help find the issue.

In my family, I feel accepted and loved no matter what choices I make or how I spend my days. Of course, my family has always valued high jobs and they’ve always talked highly about people who had important positions, but I think this can be found in mostly every family. Even though it wasn’t a condition, I’ve been thinking that maybe indirectly all these things have made me want to be part of that category of people who are important and successful. In the outside world I’ve always felt that achievements mean so much more to people than the kind of person one is. You can be an amazing writer, but if you don’t become successful, you will never be regarded to as an amazing one. You will be perceived as a writer who wasn’t good enough to make it. And it’s not only the way other people perceive you, it’s also the way you perceive yourself.

I’ve realized the fact that so many people who are regarded to as “important” have actually been involved in illegal things, and have done some bad things in order to achieve their success, which is something that I don’t like and respect. I couldn’t imagine myself pushing others down or hurting them in any way purposefully in order to get what I want. But I kind of notice that this becomes a more and more acceptable trend that I can simply not take part in. Nowadays, it’s normal to get a job not because you are good at it, but because you know somebody, which is very sad.

So, I think that even though I believe I am a moral, smart person with many abilities and talents, I feel that I will not be valued based on these things by people, but rather based on what I’ve done, and how high I have climbed on the ladder of success and achievements. I feel that most people will not be interested in me (partners included) if I don’t have something to show. Therefore, I believe that I started viewing my own value based on my achievements because I want to feel accepted by the world, and that’s the way the world will accept me.

On the other hand, of course, I’m trying not to look at or judge other people this way, because I think it’s wrong, especially given the situation in the world and the way so many people reach success, but at the same time, I’m aware that this will not make me be perceived differently.

I’m the kind of person who usually doesn’t care about people’s opinion, but recently I’ve been more and more anxious and afraid about my future, including jobs, place to live, relationships, network, etc., and all these depend on many other people, not only on me. So, in other words, I feel that I depend on people, so I need to be accepted and respected by them in order to advance in life.

This is the best answer that I’ve managed to come up with. Again, if I contradict myself or talk nonsense, it’s because this is how I feel my mind actually is now: confused, filled, pressured, my thoughts contradicting each other, worried, and afraid.

Hello Anita,

I’m aware of the fact that my parents are not perfect, of course. I may tend to bring out only their good side, but whenever something comes to my mind that is bad or less good I promise I will mention it.

I’ve been thinking more after re-reading what I wrote to you and I have to add something else: my parents have jobs that are valued by society. They are very nice and helpful people and many people like and respect them, but I think it’s very possible that all those people would not have the same respect for them if they didn’t have these jobs. So the fact that they are valued for the way they are and not for their achievements is actually not true. They are valued for who they are by close friends and family, just like I am.

And now my answer to your request for the to elaborate on “my family has always valued high jobs and they’ve always talked highly about people who had important positions”: I meant that if the subject of our dinner chat was a friend of theirs or a son/daughter of somebody we know, who has gotten a high status job they would have talked about them with words of praise, saying how smart and diligent they were for getting there, talking about how good a life they must have in the future, and honestly I think the same way. I respect people who have managed to find their way in life righteously and are happy, but it also makes me feel very sad and empty because I haven’t, and I feel like a failure for not having been able to achieve things that other people who are even younger than me have easily achieved. I consider myself smart, but whenever I hear about or see these people I feel stupid for not finding a way like they had. I feel inferior to them and this makes me talk to them like they were some kind of chosen ones who know the secrets of the world.

I am very aware of the fact that what I talk about is pure envy, because ever since I remember, I’ve always had in mind the image that I will become a successful person, I will find my way, I will move away to a great place, I will achieve high things, I will be an example for others, I will be respected and wanted (meaning that people will want to hang out with me), and the reality is that after I graduated from college none of these have become true and I became very disappointed, asking myself when or where I have made the mistakes that caused me to leave that path. And this resulted in me becoming full of sadness and envy when I hear about people my age or younger being successful and advancing. I know that being envious is not healthy, but it has become my natural reaction to these things, and I would very much like to get rid of it. I’m actually very happy for those who did it without cheating or doing anything illegal because they really deserve it, but then I remind myself that I deserve it too.

And secondly: No. My parents never talked highly about nor they respected people who achieved things illegally or immorally. This is how I was also raised, but it’s been happening more and more often that I regret being so moral and righteous. I know I shouldn’t, but it stops me from imposing myself and from standing up for myself in different situations. My parents have never raised their voice against somebody except for situations when their reasons were very strong. And I am just like that. I’ve never shouted at anybody, I’ve never faced or took revenge on anybody who had hurt me in any way, and I’ve made my first official complaint to a company against an employee who didn’t treat my right for the first time when I was 25, and I actually thought about it a lot before sending the e-mail (I was too afraid to afraid and anxious to call because I thought I would not be able to think clearly when I tell them my reasons). I regret the fact that I’m not more “manly” because it would help me in my every day life. So here it is, one bad side of my parents, not raising me to be a tougher person But I also need to add something else here: It’s not only my parents who raised me like that. In the country I live in customer service is not something that people care about much, so even if the driver of a bus is rude to the customer without any reason, the customer will be afraid to say anything, they will just bow their heads and stay silent because if they raise their voice, if they are not a really smart and tough person, the driver will win the conflict and will kick them out of the bus.  The complaint I had made was against such a bus driver because he was very rude to me for telling him that he had made a mistake with my reservation, and I made the complaint only after I got off the bus at the destination because if I did it earlier he would have not taken me anywhere and the people from the company would have stuck with him. So growing up in a place where I didn’t feel entitled to be treated nicely by people was also a very strong factor which added up to my sensitiveness, my anxiety and my fears.

Yes, I told them recently while being very down and crying, about my fears, about my lack of self-confidence etc. and they were surprised and said that I shouldn’t feel less than others because I have no reason to. I also told them how I envy people and they said they believe I could do anything I want, much more than others, and that they think others are envious of me for how much I’ve accomplished in my life, and how good I am at things.

I didn’t tell them that I wished they had taught me to be tougher and to stand up for myself more, because I feel it would not help with anything. I cannot change any of the past now, so I don’t see where the point of it would be except for creating conflict, which I see no reason for.

They’ve had a lot of stress during the past with problems and people and now they are in a state where even little things can change their mood, and I’ve noticed that my father prefers to get rid of problems quickly instead of talking about them thoroughly and going to their roots. I don’t want to make it sound bad, they care about me and they try to help me whenever I have a problem, but I sometimes feel that it’s better if I don’t tell them certain things because it would do more harm than good, and doing harm is in nobody’s interest.

Dear Anita,

I don’t know about my parents having been bullied, but I know that they have always been the kind of people who never hit back, no matter what. So, as you had said, they couldn’t teach me that.

The factors that you wrote that my troubles stem from and their results are all very well outlined. I couldn’t have written it better myself, and I really appreciate your detailed insight. It means a lot that I can feel that you care.

I am aware of the fact that money and success don’t necessarily bring happiness, but I still feel they would help me feel independent socially, because I wouldn’t be afraid of saying no or standing up for myself to people who don’t treat me right, as I would feel that I don’t need anything from them. But, while I am not a financially and professionally successful person, I do depend on them, because people are the ones who can offer me opportunities. I’ve looked back on chat that I’ve had 7 years ago with a friend of mine and it made me sad because I noticed that I told her my problems back them and they were exactly the same as now: I’ve always tried to impress people in order to be accepted (without any results), I haven’t had any confidence in myself, I had no idea how to approach girls, and I kept facing rejection.

I’m trying to be the friend I wish I had, but for others, not for myself. I’m trying to behave and talk to people the way I wish my best friend would do to me, but they don’t seem to need that from me. Everybody seems well off without me, and this doesn’t encourage me in my pursuit of finding new friends, because it all makes me feel like I’m forcing things, and a real friendship cannot be forced; it must work naturally. I recently tried becoming friends with a girl I’ve known for a long time. Our families are very good friends, and we are almost the same age. We’ve talked sometimes but we were never friends. I visited her a few times, I gave her a gift on her birthday and I invited her over to watch a movie or out in the city to just talk (I am sure she didn’t see my invitations as dates because I didn’t behave that way with her). I’ve never said anything stupid or offensive to her, and I actually always tried to have interesting conversations with her, and I even opened up to her about myself a few times, but not too much, because I tried to make the conversations about her, not about me. She never really wanted to visit or never initiated any meeting, and whenever she said that she was busy and she would call me the next day, she never did. After a while I heard that she temporarily moved to her parents’ home because she felt very lonely in her apartment and wanted to be around people. This came down as something very odd to me because I’ve always tried to be her friend and for her it seems like it nothing. So I eventually gave up on her too, because at that point I really began feeling like I was forcing it, which I didn’t want. We still talk when we see each other and we chat, but I’m always the first; if I don’t do it, she never does it either.

Being my own best friend is something that I agree with, and I consider it a major part of loving myself. Jumping over cracks, not being afraid of the unknown, trying again and again until I make it, these all sound great, they really do, but I still don’t understand what they imply practically.
I am not as thin or as weak as I used to be when I was little. My former girlfriend (2 years ago) actually said that she really liked the way I looked, which was a very pleasant surprise to me. And I still exercise frequently. But I think that all these things that happened early in my school years have stayed with me, and the added more recent experiences have made me lose faith in the world. The proved me that the way I see the world is not right, and this only leaves me clueless because I don’t know how to see the world the way it really is.

I’ve heard a lot of stories about people who have showed their talents and willingness and they were therefore noticed and appreciated, which lead them to advance, and I thought that would happen to me too. But no. From almost all my experiences (with only a few exceptions), people who were clearly less qualified, willing or caring got to advance while I stayed in the same place, watching them, unnoticed.

To be honest, I often feel the need to just hug somebody, apart from my parents. That’s a different kind of hug. And the thought that there isn’t anybody who would hug me (I’m not even imagining more) makes me feel very sad, because it only strengthens the feeling that I’m not wanted or needed. I’ve actually realized at some point these days that I forgot how it feels to be kissed or touched by a girl in a romantic way (something that so many people talk about being so simple and normal to get), and I almost cried. I think that deep down I can feel that I deserve it, and that’s why I feel this way, but if I look at things logically, the only conclusion that I get to is that it’s my fault, and I don’t deserve it, because if I did, I would have it.

In the last 2 paragraphs I just poured my heart out, and wrote what I feel at this moment. I don’t always feel this way, but this is something recurrent, so I think that these are the thoughts and feelings that lie deep inside me.

Thank you for your reply, Anita, and thank you for taking the time to help me. I’m not planning on giving up, even when I am in my lowest moments, because the only logical step is still to move forward, because it’s my only chance.

Thank you for the fast reply, Anita.

Yes, I totally agree that I am trapped in a distorted thinking like the one you mentioned. But I have no idea how to get out of it. How do you change a thinking pattern when what you see around you doesn’t reflect the one that you want to believe?

I didn’t make myself clear enough. When I mentioned that “She didn’t see my invitations as dates because I didn’t behave that way with her” I actually meant to say that I didn’t want her to be my girlfriend, but a friend. I wrote the parentheses in case you were going to say that maybe she rejected me because she had thought I wanted a relationship.

If I had liked her that way I think I would have let her know.

And regarding the conversation, I read everywhere that people like talking about themselves, so that’s why I thought that people would like me more if I would be interested in them.

As I’ve said earlier, I don’t want to force anything. But I feel very lost, like I were left behind, and I have no idea where to begin.