Dear John,

I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.

Definitely, I think what’s important is to start working on your ability to protect yourself from the abuse. And the ability to do what you want to do, not always what your wife demands.

You can start with something small – like what restaurant you’d like to go. It doesn’t have to be a major decision, such as to leave your wife.

Have you tried asserting your will in small everyday decisions? And if so, what happened?

Hi John,

just came across your post and want to let you know that you are not alone in this. I have been going through abusive relationships probably what you have experienced but half the years of suffering as I have yet to hit my 50s.

Thank you for sharing and i hope you will realise your plan someday. You will be my inspiration.

Dear John,

I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser

Do you believe this too – that you are a loser? Because this belief will prevent you from taking any action… What you’d need is self-compassion. Because it could be that the voice of the inner critic is very strong in you, and it adds to the voice of your wife, who is your external critic. So maybe you believe the criticism your wife is hurling at you, and you agree with it (at least partially), telling yourself what a loser you are. Is this what is happening?

Dear John,

excellent! That’s fantastic that you think of yourself as accomplished (which you are) and not a loser. And that you’re aware of all of your good qualities. So the inner critic is not such a big problem then. One thing that comes to mind is something you said back in 2016:

Last night I tried to discuss my problems with my wife. I tried to explain to her about my deep emotional pain and turmoil and that the source is rooted in the abuse I have suffered and my overwhelming desire to escape from the anxiety. I explained to her again the deep traumas that her behaviors have inflicted upon me. I’m terrified of her, which is totally irrational. It’s like a poison in me. I just want to run away and never look back, which is clearly a result of our unhealthy and toxic relationship. I raised the subject in the hope of getting some agreement on what we should do next.

It’s as if I need her permission to leave and without that I will go nowhere. She holds the key to my brainwashing and it feels like she is the only one that can set me free from this prison without bars.

Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me. It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic. She will not release me by giving me the permission that I need in order to be free. I wish she would throw me out on the street as I am at a loss as to how I can achieve what needs to be done.

It seems you’re looking for your wife’s permission to leave, which most likely she isn’t going to give you. Why do you think you need her permission? Without her permission, what do you feel inside, how to do you feel about yourself? (if you’d care to answer)

Hi John,

When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.

Yes it does, and you might believe that by resisting to her demands, you will hurt her, or make her angry, and this feels bad.

In 2016, when you tried to talk to her like an adult, your wife got angry with you:

Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me

It seems she also turned the conservation around and started complaining about her own issues:

It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic

It seems she started complaining how hard it is for her, totally disregarding your pain. And perhaps you felt that you are causing her pain, and this is what stopped you?

So perhaps when you want to express yourself, or claim anything for yourself, she starts complaining and pitying herself, and this causes a sense of guilt in you?