Emotionally Abused Man

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This topic has 117 replies, 21 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by Tee.

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March 2, 2023 at 2:47 am #415967

Tee
Participant

Dear John,

I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.

Definitely, I think what’s important is to start working on your ability to protect yourself from the abuse. And the ability to do what you want to do, not always what your wife demands.

You can start with something small – like what restaurant you’d like to go. It doesn’t have to be a major decision, such as to leave your wife.

Have you tried asserting your will in small everyday decisions? And if so, what happened?

March 6, 2023 at 1:58 am #416027

John
Participant

I have returned to the site after a long absence because writing here seems to help. I am deeply troubled at the moment with an overwhelming sense of loss. It has been 3 years since I last saw the lady I love very dearly and the sense of loss has not diminished. We still communicate very regularly and I am grateful for the little contact we still have but she doesn’t want to see me again. Understandably she tells me it is all over but I live in hope that one day I will see her again. We have broken up many times with extended periods of not communicating followed by getting back together so I live in hope that we can meet again one day.

March 6, 2023 at 10:55 pm #416043

John
Participant

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be waiting in the hope of seeing her again one day. I know I will wait forever. She was the one for me and I lost through my own failings.</p>

March 7, 2023 at 12:04 am #416044

John
Participant

Is it normal for a 63 year old man to be feeling like a love-sick teenager?

March 23, 2023 at 4:13 pm #416639

John
Participant

It’s been a long time since I last tried to leave. Things seem to be coming to a head so I will try again. I have somewhere to go. I’m not sure how well it will work out as previous attempts have not been successful. I have lost the support of the person who was once closest to me. I’ll be on my own this time and I know it isn’t going to be easy. Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years. Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse. It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness. It isn’t something I have been able to get under control but I’m hoping it has abated enough for me to make the transition such that what I want wins the battle that rages within me. I have always wanted to leave. I have never wanted to stay but I have always stayed or gone back after leaving only to want to leave again.

March 24, 2023 at 3:04 am #416646

Tee
Participant

Dear John,

I wish you success with this attempt. I totally understand when you say you wanted to leave all these years, but something was stopping you:

Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years. Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse. It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness.

Our subconscious side is super strong. According to researchers, it accounts for 95% of our consciousness. The way out of “bondage” is to become aware of our subconscious side and understand what it wants and why it fears. I think this would help you lessen those fears and sort of break the “spell” the subconscious has on you.

March 26, 2023 at 3:54 pm #416773

DevanC
Participant

Hi John,

just came across your post and want to let you know that you are not alone in this. I have been going through abusive relationships probably what you have experienced but half the years of suffering as I have yet to hit my 50s.

Thank you for sharing and i hope you will realise your plan someday. You will be my inspiration.

March 27, 2023 at 12:40 am #416794

John
Participant

DevanC,

Sorry to hear you are experiencing the same however, I’m not sure I can be your inspiration. My story is a sad one of half a lifetime that has been ruined by my inability to deal with my situation. I feel that I could deal with it now if only I had the help and support of my friend but she has heard that story too many times and will not be pulled back into it. She’s right. Experience tells me that I am deluding myself. I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser and keep re-reading the post on this thread from Crystal. It’s a “pull yourself together and take responsibility for your life” type of message. I keep telling myself the same but it doesn’t work. There is something deep inside my subconscious that overrides everything else and does so by a big margin. I can’t switch it off and it keeps switching on continuously. It’s all very odd.

March 27, 2023 at 3:54 am #416796

Tee
Participant

Dear John,

I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser

Do you believe this too – that you are a loser? Because this belief will prevent you from taking any action… What you’d need is self-compassion. Because it could be that the voice of the inner critic is very strong in you, and it adds to the voice of your wife, who is your external critic. So maybe you believe the criticism your wife is hurling at you, and you agree with it (at least partially), telling yourself what a loser you are. Is this what is happening?

March 27, 2023 at 5:49 am #416797

John
Participant

I don’t tell myself I am a loser. I don’t have much of that inner critic within me. By most standards I am not a loser but quite a high achiever. Not outstanding but certainly above average. Very well educated, no debts and money in the bank. I had a successful career and was able to retire early when going to work became a bit stale. Stopping work a few years ago was connected with trying to leave and move in with my friend but, as always, I failed to achieve that goal when I held myself back from going ahead. In my younger day I was often complimented on my good looks and I am still in reasonably good shape. All positive stuff and should have nothing to worry about and little reason for self-criticism….. apart from my one big issue that always held me back from getting what mattered most.

March 27, 2023 at 6:22 am #416798

Tee
Participant

Dear John,

excellent! That’s fantastic that you think of yourself as accomplished (which you are) and not a loser. And that you’re aware of all of your good qualities. So the inner critic is not such a big problem then. One thing that comes to mind is something you said back in 2016:

Last night I tried to discuss my problems with my wife. I tried to explain to her about my deep emotional pain and turmoil and that the source is rooted in the abuse I have suffered and my overwhelming desire to escape from the anxiety. I explained to her again the deep traumas that her behaviors have inflicted upon me. I’m terrified of her, which is totally irrational. It’s like a poison in me. I just want to run away and never look back, which is clearly a result of our unhealthy and toxic relationship. I raised the subject in the hope of getting some agreement on what we should do next.

It’s as if I need her permission to leave and without that I will go nowhere. She holds the key to my brainwashing and it feels like she is the only one that can set me free from this prison without bars.

Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me. It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic. She will not release me by giving me the permission that I need in order to be free. I wish she would throw me out on the street as I am at a loss as to how I can achieve what needs to be done.

It seems you’re looking for your wife’s permission to leave, which most likely she isn’t going to give you. Why do you think you need her permission? Without her permission, what do you feel inside, how to do you feel about yourself? (if you’d care to answer)

March 27, 2023 at 9:34 am #416799

John
Participant

Logically, I don’t think I need her permission but logic doesn’t seem to have much to do with my situation. When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature. Anyway, getting permission would require an adult conversation which isn’t very likely.

March 27, 2023 at 9:52 am #416800

Tee
Participant

Hi John,

When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.

Yes it does, and you might believe that by resisting to her demands, you will hurt her, or make her angry, and this feels bad.

In 2016, when you tried to talk to her like an adult, your wife got angry with you:

Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me

It seems she also turned the conservation around and started complaining about her own issues:

It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic

It seems she started complaining how hard it is for her, totally disregarding your pain. And perhaps you felt that you are causing her pain, and this is what stopped you?

So perhaps when you want to express yourself, or claim anything for yourself, she starts complaining and pitying herself, and this causes a sense of guilt in you?

March 27, 2023 at 10:08 am #416801

Peter
Participant

My story is a sad one of half a lifetime that has been ruined by my inability to deal with my situation.

It may be more accurate to say that you are dealing with your situation only not achieving the desired results… though you are likely achieving the subconscious ones. Maybe its semantics but in my opinion how we tell our story is important. In the end its the story we live in not the moment of life as it is, which is a reason we suffer.

I like how Richard Wagamese put it: “Life is hard. There are challenges. There are difficulties. There is pain. As a younger man, I sought to avoid pain and difficulty and only caused myself more of the same. These days, I choose to face life head-on — and I have become a comet. I arc across the sky of my life, the hard times are the friction that shaves off the worn and tired bits. The more I travel head-on, the more I am shaped, and the things that no longer work or are unnecessary drop away.
It’s a good way to travel. I believe eventually I will wear away all resistance, until all that’s left of me is light.”

I’ve been looking into the Zen notion of non-duality and spontaneity and what that means with regards to facing life head on, as it is. Uncertainty, doubt, fear, suffering these are things when faced the impulse is to back or even run away. The Way suggestion is to lean in. Funny its the same advice you get in the military when you find yourself ambushed, turn into the ambush and press into it.

Funny / Sad we suffer more from the stories we tell then from the actually happening. If true, a task on the path is to master ones stories, vice letting the stories master you. Either way you will suffer… still depending on the path you just might end up with better stories. Keep an eye out for victim and villain stories, thier often a sign of justifications, projections, shadow…. all the things we do in order to suffer in place and stay stuck.

Just as it is often the case that we are sad because we are sad, we suffer because we are suffering. Begs the question if its possible we suffer more form the notion of suffering then from the event where we were disappointment by a desire not turning out as we hoped and or willed it might.

March 28, 2023 at 7:55 am #416821

racs
Participant

I completely agree with your perspective. The way we tell our story is important, and it can have a significant impact on how we experience life. It’s easy to get caught up in our own narratives and allow them to control us, rather than taking control of them. It’s essential to recognize that we have the power to shape our stories and create the kind of life we want to live.

The Richard Wagamese quote you shared is profound and inspiring. It speaks to the idea that life is not always easy, but it’s the challenges that shape us and make us stronger. By facing life head-on and embracing the difficulties we encounter, we can become better versions of ourselves.

I appreciate your exploration of Zen non-duality and spontaneity, as well as the idea of leaning into uncertainty and fear rather than backing away. It’s challenging to do so, but it can lead to growth and transformation.

Finally, I agree that we often suffer more from our stories than from the events themselves. It’s easy to get caught up in victim or villain narratives, but these are ultimately unhelpful and keep us stuck in a negative cycle. Instead, we should strive to master our stories and create narratives that empower us and move us forward.
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