Hi Jill

Healthy boundaries are important, establishing them difficult, especially as it comes to family.  So easy to trigger the “ghosts” of the past and doing so reacting to the past instead of the present moment and the relationship we really desire to have with those we love.  We all have a tendency to focus on the worst memories and overlooking the more positive ones.

The task of removing the past from being in the present requires creating a safe space for honest communication.  Here the art of detachment, meditation and contemplation can help, even then its not easy. The best advice on preparing to enter into such dialog I’ve come across was  a book by Kerry Patterson –  Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.

That said there are times when Love requires that relationships end. (relationships never end even if people decide not to meet up again so the word ‘end’ may not be the correct word).

I intentionally use the words the “Love requires”, meaning that the decision to end a relationship is for the good and growth of all involved and and genuine concern of all involved.  In Crucial Conversations before dialog begins all parties involved must first ‘master thier stories’. I believe the same is required in determining if ones actions are coming from a place of love or from a the intention to punish and be right.

It seems most of the stories we tell ourselves, as they involve troubled relationships, tend to fall into two categories – victim and villain stories – which more likely then not trigger the ghosts and end dialog/relationship. I mention it only to suggest that if were telling victim and villain stories were probably not acting from a place of love but to punish, ourselves and others. And being right, we love to be right, nothing better then being righteously right. (no saying your doing that, that very much is a trap of which I am well versed.)

I’ll be candid even knowing the above I’ve failed more times then succeeding in healing troubled relationships and that for the good (growth) of all involved have had a relationships end or limited.  Surprisingly it has been in the pain of a ending relationships that I have learned and grown to do and be better. That growth sometimes lead to reconciliation but not always. That is the way of Life.

I wasn’t sure what you meant when you asked for support and I hope I have not crossed a line.  I am not suggesting you are not right in feeling what your feeling or that your decision to limit contact isn’t for the best for all involved. My hope for you is that by accessing to your inner truth and stillness you find peace with your decisions. In your stillness you will know.

I’ll be honest to saying I’m not sure how to respond. I hear you, your pain and frustration of not being heard or seen by your family as you need and as a parent that has done thier best deserve.

I don’t wish to be cruel, and I am not saying your wrong to feel entitled or desire for respect and consideration. I’m saying, with regards to emotional mastery, the idea of entitlement and desire, (this is a tiny buddha site), is creating much of the suffering that your experiencing.  In that regard your decision to limit interactions may be the most loving for all involved.  Yet I suspect that that decision is also a source of suffering. It really depends on which suffering you accept and the best path to get you were you want to be as you move through it. I’m hoping you move though it vice getting stuck in it.

I don’t feel that what you need is justification for your feelings or experience which can only harden hearts. I’m hoping you find ways to move though the suffering, feel what your feeling instead of getting stuck.

I have to apologize I don’t usually engage in relationship posts and will now bow out.

I wish you peace.

I wasn’t offended.  I tend to ‘step in it’ with relationship topics 🙂

The way you expressed yourself in the last post was very elegant

Hi Jill,

Did your son explain why he didn’t inform you of the date change for your Christmas Eve tradition until the day before the event? If not, why do you think you weren’t informed earlier?

B

Hi Jill,

I asked the question because I find it inconsiderate of your son to not inform you about the change in plans until the day before the event, unless of course he himself wasn’t aware of your daughter’s cruise trip until then.

You shouldn’t have to chase your adult children around “begging” to have a relationship with them, so I understand your choice to walk away. As a mother of three adult children myself I know how difficult raising kids is and I’ve made my share of parenting mistakes, for sure. There are no perfect parents. There’s no doubt in my mind that you love your kids and did the best you could in raising them, but if you are interested in repairing your relationships with them then listen closely to what they have to say about their childhood wounds and consider giving them both a heartfelt apology for any hurt your parenting may have caused them, even if you don’t see things as they do. It’s a hard thing to do but they’ll respect you for it, and it just may soften their hearts some.

B

Dear Jill

There is a Buddhist set of phrases that go

May all beings be happy and never be separated from that happiness

May all beings be free from suffering and the source of suffering

May all beings abide in equanimity without being close to some out of attachment or distant from others out of hatred.

I wish this for you and your family.