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Every time I talk to my cousin I end up depressed

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #308403

    Katie
    Participant

    I’m so sick of it. She used to be my best friend. Now everything she says is so toxic. The thing is, she’s the person I’m closest to… so I don’t know if normal people act/think the way she does. I hope not. Because her words are so toxic.

    I’ll give examples

    1) I just had a conversation with her where she kept talking badly about this random girl. She was saying things like “I think she’s so ugly no offense. But she dated an attractive guy… he’s so out of her league” She was saying these mean things for about 30 minutes.

    First of all, the negativity is just not healthy. Second, I’ve dated really attractive guys where other people would say they are out of my league. That killed me because they are essentially saying I’m not good enough when I put soooo much effort into my looks. Personally, I did not think that this guy was out of her league… so maybe my cousin was just jealous?

    2) She always tells me I need a nose job

    My nose isn’t the tiniest, most perfect nose but it’s not big either. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve put my nose into different golden ratio masks and it fits. So, to me, my nose isn’t big. I try to trust those calculators and masks because they are honest. But of course, some days I look in the mirror and my nose may look too big or something and I just get so depressed. Because it’s like “wow I look ugly today. Maybe that is what my cousin was talking about when she said I needed a nose job”

    I’m honestly just sick of this and need help. I feel sometimes as though I’m going to have a panic attack after talking with her because she brings up the worst parts of my brain. Like right now my boyfriend called me right after I spoke with my cousin and I was about to cry. I’m so frustrated because she is supposed to be my best friend. And I leave our conversations feeling so UGLY because she doesn’t stop talking about how ugly other girls are… and she has also told me my nose is big…. which means she finds me ugly too?

    Something important to note: I hate speaking about others’ looks but the truth is, every girl that my cousin talks about is better looking than her. I love my cousin, but she isn’t the best looking. She’s average… maybe even slightly below. Just to be honest. I hate to say something like this, but it’s true. So why does she talk negatively about girls who are better looking than she is? And no, I do not get the vibes that she is jealous. Maybe she was jealous of the girl mentioned above, but not every other girl. Everything she says about another girl (even sometimes guys) is negative. “She’s annoying, she’s stupid… but worst of all she’s UGLY” like whyyyy. Ugh I hate the way she speaks!!!! And how she can make me feel so depressed after talking to her for 30 minutes.

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Katie.
    #308441

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    Does she live with you? If so, close the bedroom or even bathroom door after fifteen minutes of this nonsense.

    If she doesn’t listen to you, you can: “forget” you were supposed to meet, say you’re “busy”, arrive late, leave early, not answer every text, not return every phone call, answer multiple texts with one emoji, cut the call short.

    If you want to have fun, tell her that every time she badmouths another girl you’re going to take a drink. Turn it into a drinking game! If you’re not old enough to drink, just play with your phone and mutter, “Go on, I’m listening” when you clearly aren’t.

    Drive her crazy: Tell her you’re entering a beauty pageant. Do it! There are many “average” girls who enter, actually.

    Tell her you’re modelling for a local company. Do it! Local businesses love familiar town faces in their ads.

    Tell her in front of your whole family that you love grandma’s nose and how you love looking like everyone else in the family. She will see that the people who matter love you no matter what.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #308491

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    Your friend is having a bad effect on you because you are not resonating with her.  Every time she criticizes the way someone else looks, it reminds you that she has criticized the way you look and there is no justification in it.  Try not to get involved in the conversations.  Tell her that you think it’s shallow to judge people on their looks alone.  If you can’t change the conversation, think of something good to say about the person she is criticizing.  If all else fails, cease to be her friend.

    You’ve taken your friend’s words so seriously that you’ve gone out and checked for yourself.  The results do not support your friend’s words yet still you look in the mirror sometimes and revert to thinking and believing that your nose is too big and your friend was right all along.

    You ‘inherited’ your nose from someone in your family, as Inky pointed out, and it didn’t stop them from finding suitable relationships and procreating.  It’s just a nose.  It breathes in air.  It breathes in smells.  It keeps you alive.  Who cares what shape it is?

    Stop focusing on how your nose looks and start focusing on all the wonderful functions it performs in keeping you alive.

    Peggy

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