August 7, 2019 at 9:18 am #307005
To anyone reading this I would like some advice & insight please,
I was engaged and in a long distance relationship with a man who ended our engagement because I was fighting with him towards the end that his parents were being to controlling about our wedding and his Mum giving me the silent treatment for not getting back to her regarding dresses & theme colours although at that point my father was in hospital with cancer so I was overwhelmed with that and a new job. He father then called me and shouted at me for this. In frustration, I lashed out at him about his parents as he wouldn’t speak up for me. He then went on a religious pilgrimage and told me that the priests there told him that I was a bad person and the relationship had to end. He ended things with so explanation and was adamant that his & his family’s decision was final and refused to speak to my family. He then blocked on whatsapp me after my mother called his out for not having the decency to contact or discuss this with her.
I begged him with phonecalls and imessages for weeks to give us a chance and kept trying to get him to understand that I loved him but he ignored me and 2 months after we broke up I was shown pictures of him engaged to another girl. It was then I found out that he had been flirting with this girl on social media during our engagement. In the buildup to his new engagement (which I was not aware of at that point), I noticed him blocking me and unblocking me on whatsapp but did not do anything. I now, wonder his reasons for this? After finding out about the engagement, I sent him a message saying that he was a cruel person & I wished I had never met him. He blocked me after this but I noticed on his birthday 1 month later he unblocked me and blocked the next day. Then again some weeks later he unblocked and left it open til date. Sometimes I wonder if this is to hurt me so I can see the whatsapp dp with his new fiancee? Is there a chance that someone who you loved so much & thought loved you back could hate you enough to have such an intent? Why would he bother blocking and unblocking? Does he want a conversation? Is it normal to jump from one engagement to another? He told me our love was special but it seems like I was replaceable at the drop of a hat. He seems so happy so I don’t understand why I would even cross his mind for him to do this. Am I being very immature to say that I would not like it if he was blocking and unblocking exes during our relationship, and is this new girlfriend just very self-assured to be ok with this?
I would appreciate any insight into his thought process, I understand no one knows him but if you can explain anything from your past experiences and feelings, I would be grateful. Thank you.August 7, 2019 at 10:37 am #307027
Your ex-fiance has made it clear to you that your relationship is over. You have explained that you were going through some challenging times with your father as well as with a new job and your ex-fiance’s family do not seem to have shown you any compassion. As well as this, he was communicating with someone else on social media to whom he is now engaged. In answer to your question, it is not normal to jump from one engagement to another – absolutely not. However, he has replaced you and has refused to speak to you – the family word being final!!
Your best course of action is to walk away from your ex completely and to find someone with a stronger sense of commitment and loyalty. Give up trying to work out his motives. You don’t need a priest to tell you that he’s no good for you – this is not you, it’s him.
PeggyAugust 7, 2019 at 10:49 am #307029
I don’t have WhatsApp or Facebook and never blocked and unblocked anyone, nor have I been blocked and unblocked. Is it possible that a person blocks or unblocks people unintentionally, somehow?
If not, then unblocking you is an invitation for contact. Question is what is his motivation to make this invitation, given he and his family expressed anger at you before, you expressed anger at them, and he is now engaged to another woman. You brought up the possibility that he is cruel, that is, trying to expose you to photos of him and his girlfriend and cause you pain this way.
Has he been cruel to you before, that is, trying to cause you pain?
anitaAugust 7, 2019 at 11:40 am #307041
Thank you for your reply Peggy, I’m finding it difficult to move on because were together for 2 years and talked about children, building a business together etc. I had never been in a relationship before him even though I’m in my late 20s but he had 4-5 relationships before me and said he had never considered marriage before me so I don’t understand how 2 minutes later he’s already engaged and it hurts my heart thinking he felt nothing as was crying and begging, because I feel like even if I saw him today and he was suffering or in pain, I would still hear him out and help him. Seeing him in pain would hurt me at my core. He said it was love like never before so I will never understand how the breakup and new relationship was so easy for him because it will take me a long time to get over this. I’m trying to better myself as a person so I can be more understanding in the future if my significant other was caught between myself and his family but I wish he had given our relationship a chance this was the first big hurdle and I feel like I lost my teammate.August 7, 2019 at 11:57 am #307053
Thank you for the response. He had not been cruel before the breakup just very dismissive over comments his mother had made that had hurt me like whilst planning my wedding like saying her daughter’s would be better or telling me to change my clothes or getting angry at the wedding venue I chose or who my bridesmaids were. He would remain quiet and not say anything. When his father shouted at me in front of him & his family (mother & sister), he remained silent in the background and I just felt so alone. My parents were dealing with the cancer so I didn’t want to trouble them but he never stood up for me. Once he got angry that I didn’t want to invite his ex-girlfriend to the wedding, he said he would have to as her mother had given him lots of business. Once I’m not sure if I’m being immature in this respect.
The only cruelty I experienced was when he broke it off and I told him I felt like dying whilst I was sobbing and he hung up on me. He let me beg for so long but he must’ve already been in the new relationship so why couldn’t he just tell me? What is the point of the unblocking now that I know the truth?August 7, 2019 at 12:11 pm #307059
If he intentionally unblocked you, maybe he wants you to beg him more, maybe it made him feel good when you begged him before. Maybe.. he wants to show his girlfriend that another woman is begging him, making him look desirable, women fighting over him. It is a possibility, isn’t it? Here is another possibility: his girlfriend got a hold of his accounts and unblocked you.. or she asked him to unblock you so to see what it is that you will send him… she may be bored and that would be exciting for her.
I can’t think of any possibility that will make it a good idea for you to send him any kind of communication. I can only see it being bad for you, to use the opportunity of being unblocked by sending him any kind of message.
anitaAugust 7, 2019 at 3:26 pm #307099
I sounds like you dodged a bullet. If he does not support you during your time of need with your father, new job and with your wedding then he is not the one for you. Plus what sort of true love would jump right away to another woman.
I agree with Sara. Walk away. I would question why you want to hang on to this guy. Look at more at your own thought process rather than at him.
MarkAugust 8, 2019 at 6:31 am #307149
One thing that stands out to me is that your ex-fiance has controlling parents and he is not able to stand up to them. There behavior is pretty poor. For your ex fiance to suggest that you would have to invite his ex girlfriend to the wedding because her mother puts business his way is ludicrous. I don’t think you were being immature. I think he was being unreasonable to think he could treat his wedding like an extension of his business.
Rejection is painful. You have a grieving process to go through where you let go of all the plans you’d made for the future and come to terms with what has happened. You don’t believe you could have treated him the way he has treated you. You believe you would have heard him out and eased his pain. He isn’t you and he hasn’t behaved how you would have behaved. Unfortunately, your ex fiance had already made his mind up so no amount of begging and crying was going to change it. None of this has been helped by the attitude of his parents and advice supposedly given from his religious pilgrimage/priest who instructed him to put an end to his relationship with you. Really!!
As painful as it is for you, Sara, you don’t have a choice in this matter. The choice has already been made by others. I really hope it doesn’t take you a long time to get over this because the sooner you can grieve and come to terms with this the better.
With regard to future partners, every situation you encounter will be different. Hopefully, the man you eventually marry will have more supportive parents willing to welcome and accommodate their daughter in law into the family fold.
PeggyAugust 9, 2019 at 12:50 pm #307375
First, after reading this, let me say… good riddance. I agree with Mark that you dodged a bullet with not marrying into that family, especially with the fact that he would not stick up for you and tell them to back off with your father being sick.
As for the quick engagement, how long ago did you two break up? I have to wonder if the girl is a rebound. I have read that when people are rebounding, they tend to escalate the relationship very quickly to try to fill the hole the previous relationship left. You two were engaged, so he may have felt the need to hurry up and get engaged again because that feeling was what he was used to. But he will be no different with this woman than he was with you, and it sounds like he wasn’t all that great with you, at least at the end of things.
I think you should just do your best to put your focus on other things and work on detaching from this guy. Treat this as a learning experience, find the lesson in it and it will help take that feeling of “all of this time for nothing” away. After you have some time to heal, hopefully your next serious relationship will involve someone who is compassionate and protective of you and your feelings.August 11, 2019 at 6:48 am #307541
First of all thank you very much for your words of encouragement and advice. I know this must seem like a no-brainer but sometimes I wonder if I had just kept quiet and let his family do as they please like he did would everything have worked out better? Also, I am not overly religious, I pray and I believe that everyone deserves you to reach out to them with love, understanding and kindness but I don’t go to church every Sunday, whereas his family are devout Catholics who pray the minute they enter a car. I wonder sometimes if this why he seems so happy is that God blesses those who are more devout and all his mother’s prayers have been answered with the new fiancee whereas I still feel the loss. His mother even mocked my struggle to get him back and crying for him, saying that I tried to ruin his relationship with his family (by arguing that he had to stand up for me) but look at me now, alone. I wonder if all those prayers, have made her almost invincible.
I think what makes me hang on is knowing I was acting out of character by lashing out towards the parents and not understanding at that point that he would have felt pulled between us. I took it out on him and argued with/cried to him rather than calmly trying to handle situation. I’m not sure why I was so overly emotional because usually I am able to be calm-headed and see the bigger picture more reasonably. The parents seem in love with the new fiancee but she is from the same background and culture as them so I wonder if that makes things easier and she will understand them better and is more accepting of them taking over all details of the wedding/life in general. They also wanted me to give up my job in a first-world country where I am doing better than him career-wise and move to live with him in a third-world country and work under him. I argued that there were better prospects for us and our future family here but he & his family felt that they preferred the laid-back life where you go out to parties/wedding every evening and everyone knows each other. I know a good work-life balance is essential but I just couldn’t see what was the problem was in striving for the best education for my future children. I’m an immigrant and I wanted better for them than I had. When he ended things, he said I was putting children we didn’t even have before him but intially our plan was to move to a better country so I don’t know why he backtracked. The new fiancee is happily working under him and supporting him so I’m not sure if I should’ve done the same. I wish I could have been a better, more supportive partner but I did the best I could with our long distance relationship but it was physically impossible for me to do the same things she can living in the same town, whilst I’m living across the world from him.
Valora, in answer to your question, we had only been broken up 2 months before he was newly engaged but there are messages of them flirting on social media whilst we were together that I saw later. When confronted by my family after finding out about the new engagement, he stated that “It’s his personal life and he owes us no explanation, sometimes it takes one year to know who you want to marry and sometimes it takes one month”. I just would’ve thought out of respect for me & my family he could’ve waited. Can it still be a rebound if emotionally he was already cheating? (Not sure about physically but I am aware that he had gone on nights out with her). Whilst I was trying to salvage our relationship and not aware that there was someone else in the picture, he must’ve been going on dates with the new fiancee and choosing her ring etc. He sent me such loving messages on Valentine’s day and then ended it 10 days saying that he didn’t love me anymore. I just don’t understand how love disappears so quickly. Is it likely that what he felt for me wasn’t love in the first place, and he managed to find his true love whilst arguing with me, who was more suitable for his life and his family? Although we have the same degree but specialise in different fields, she is my complete opposite, beauty pageants when she was younger whereas I was in astronomy & maths club, very active on social media whereas I’m non-existent, very outgoing it seems whereas I’m very quiet. So I’m not sure even if it was ever possible for him to love me, if this is the type he knew within a month he wanted to marry.
Why is he just not indifferent though? He could could have left me blocked. What is the point of unblocking on whatsapp in the buildup to his engagement, on his birthday and then a few weeks ago again. He is blocked on all my social media and whatsapp as I could not bare the idea of seeing any wedding pictures of him. My question is, is it more likely that he is doing this to hurt me with his display picture of the new fiancee or reach out to me? I sometimes wonder if he is aware of how deeply he has already hurt me and if he even cares and wants to clear up everything. I wonder if there is any l0ve remaining but I can’t even talk to him for closure because I feel that it is wrong to speak to a man I have feelings of love for now that he is someone else’s. I am aware she was talking to him whilst he was with me but I don’t think I want to do the same because it would make me feel rotten about myself and question my own morals.August 11, 2019 at 8:11 am #307557
Reads to me that you are in between worlds:
-the old world is where the woman is “just kept quiet and let his family do as they please like he did”, where the fiancée needs to be “from the same background and culture as them(the fiancé and his parents)”, where a woman is expected “to give up (her) job in a first-world country.. and move to live with him in a third-world country and work under him”, where there is a “laid-back life where you go out to parties/ wedding every evening and everyone knows each other”
-and the new world where a woman to become wife, can be of a different background and culture than the man, where she can keep her job in a first world country and do better career wise than the man, where a woman thinks about where “there were better prospects for us and our future family”, having “a good work-life balance”, “striving for the best education for my future children”.
You are conflicted about old and new concepts of your role as a wife and mother. You are also conflicted on the issue of religion, not sure what it is that you believe in.
Another difficulty you have is expressed here: “I think what makes me hang on is knowing I was acting out of character by lashing out towards the parents and not understanding at that point that he would have felt pulled between us. I took it out on him and argued with/ cried to him rather than calmly trying to handle situation.. usually I am able to be calm-headed and see the bigger picture more reasonably”- It is always a bad idea (in an old world or new world and everywhere else) to lash out, argue, beg etc. It is always better to be calm headed and see the bigger picture.
My question regarding the bigger picture: what is it that you want, at this point- are you hoping to get back with him? What are your prospects regarding meeting men for the purpose of marriage in the country where you live, a man who shares a few of your principles regarding future children, family relationships and career?
anitaAugust 12, 2019 at 9:37 am #307655
If only ……..you could turn the clock back and not lash out at his parents when they were bullying you, you would get married to this family and live miserably ever after with them dictating terms forever more to you and your imaginary children. This is not a relationship in which you could have lived happily ever after or could you?
Your fiance was cheating on you. Isn’t it better that you found that out before you married him?
This is not a question of religion. They are not more well blessed than you because they are Catholic. His mother did not want her son moving away from her or you coming between them and the control they have over him. Why should you give up all your hopes, all your ambitions and all your dreams purely to fit in with his family? Marriage is about compromise not submission. So what if he’s found someone the family approve of and who, for the time being, will be just what they want him to have. Everything changes.
Forgive yourself for being human. Support works both ways and he was not supporting you. Long distance relationships might work sometimes but for the most part they don’t. The fact that he is blocking and unblocking you is just a red herring. It doesn’t really matter what his motives might be when you know the relationship is over. Regardless of where he stands on the ‘love’ chart, he doesn’t feel enough for you to continue being your fiance.
I understand that you are feeling very hurt at his behavior towards you but you don’t need all the answers to have closure. You weren’t right for each other. It’s that simple.
Physically shutting the door on this relationship is closure. Put a mental picture in your head of him standing one side of the door and you standing the other. Mentally, say your goodbyes and close the door on him and then proceed to open a door to your new life without him.