I’ve come to a point in life where I believe that I am meant to be isolated and alone in this lifetime. I’m middle aged and am suffering or have been suffering for about a year now. I moved half way across the world from my family, but for context, I have, aside from a few years, always lived far away from them in different states. I like to travel, explore and find work abroad.

This past year since I moved to a new country, my mother really stopped responding to any of my text messages. I would mostly share photos or videos about my life, always simple to simply acknowledge. She would FaceTime me every few months, but aside from that, never replies. It’s hurt my feelings, especially when she will reply to my brother anytime he shares something. My father will write and text, but he and I have had a difficult relationship and my mom is someone who I always depended on to be there for me.

Because of feelings of rejection and that my sibling was favored, I’ve dealt with these difficult feelings for most of my life, save when I was in my 20’s or was in a good relationship. And my usual response is to just separate myself. “fine, I’ll just start ignoring them too.. forget them”. But I never do. But I feel it’s been going on for so long that even if I do, I’ll suffer. It’s something I can’t reason away, like most of my troubles.

What’s compounding these feelings of hopelessness and isolation, is that the same has been going on with several of my lifelong friends. At this point I feel like I have absolutely no one who cares if I exist. Aside from a few ex-boyfriends who do check in on me. And more recent friends who I’ve met abroad and stay in contact with here and there.

I’ve reflected on the person I am and have been to these people. I may deserve this. But I can’t imagine treating anyone I love this way.

I feel like as time goes on in this state, I’m feeling less and less connected to these people, my parents included, which scares me.

I know I’m safe right now. That everything is ok. But this weighs on my subconscious in a way that I know is detrimental to my wellbeing. I don’t sleep soundly, I feel hopeless when I think about all of it. Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose of my life and why even be here.

My circumstances where I’m currently living are less than ideal, as well. But they’re temporary so I do my best.

My question is, is there a way to overcome these feelings, without involving those who seem to not care. I don’t have relationships with these people that are open and sharing of emotions and feelings.