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Family Drama/toxic relationships

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • March 9, 2025 at 11:28 am #444015
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita ,

    I have not posted in such a long time. I posted a lot under Fake friend/or jealous friend in the past.
    Current situation: My family and I still do not speak to my sister n laws sister Amy and her bf.
    My brother continues to favor her bf and not my husband . It still causes alot of family friction.
    Easter is coming up. My brother told my mom that he will be having Easter dinner at his home and Amy and her bf will be there because my brother and his wife want everyone there. I still did not get a phone call or an invite yet. Even though my mom said my brother will be texting me about it when it gets closer. He told my parents to get over what happened and well my mom blew up at him big time. She said if they ignore my parents or don’t say hi then my parents will leave. I am on the fence about going but it is a holiday. My husband hates the guy. And my kids will not be there. I will go only if my brother asks me.
    Last fall in 2024, Amy’s bf was drunk and driving down a road and a car was trying to pass him. Amy’s bf pulled a gun on the driver in the other car and threatened to shoot him for passing . Cops were called and the other guy in the car decided to drop the charges, and the cop never showed up to the bearing and Amy’s bf walked free. I got into an argument with my brother over it because I was pissed that my brother chooses to hang around with a potential felon and he still does not try to get to know my husband. He still ignores my husband. The whole situation makes me so angry and frustrated. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We try to make plans with my brother and his wife and when we do , they don’t talk much like they do when they are around Amy and her bf. I feel like throwing my hands in the air and just say to hell with trying .

    March 9, 2025 at 12:21 pm #444016
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Ariel1276
    I am sorry that things have not improved with your interfamily relationships.
    “I feel like throwing my hands in the air and just say to hell with trying.” – Mentally run thru this in two ways 1) All guns blazing vomiting out all the anger & hurt. 2) in a gentle wise compassionate way ( it is okay to feel sad) . Then see how these different ways make you feel emotionally, physically & mentally.
    Life is too short & unpredictable to hold grudges, death is just a breath away. Live each moment with as much peace, joy, dignity & compassion & gratitude. We only have control over our own motives, decisions & behaviour.
    Kind regards
    Roberta

    March 9, 2025 at 5:21 pm #444019
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie: I will read and reply tomorrow morning.
    Anita

    March 10, 2025 at 2:31 am #444029
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    Is it safe to go to a gathering with this man when there is a family conflict? There could be drinking and he could easily pull a gun on any one of you. He seems genuinely unstable and actively dangerous to be around.

    Do not feel pressured to attend this event if you don’t feel safe.

    As for the issues with your husband and your brother. You are doing your part in defending your husband. That is all you need to do. How does your husband feel about the difficulties between your brother and him? Do you feel hurt that the relationship with your brother has deteriorated because of the difficulties between them?

    March 10, 2025 at 9:10 am #444035
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie:

    I’m glad to see you post again, though I’m sorry it’s still under such difficult circumstances. I looked back at what you shared in your earlier threads, “BROTHER AND BEST FRIEND WRONGLY ACCUSED ME” (March 2022) and “Fake friend…or a jealous friend” (May-July 2024), to understand everything you’ve been through.

    It’s clear this ongoing conflict with your brother, Amy, and Amy’s boyfriend has taken a big toll on you. I can imagine how exhausting and frustrating it must be. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and angry, especially when your brother seems to downplay your feelings and continues to prioritize a guy who has caused so much trouble.

    From what you’ve shared, Amy’s behavior has consistently been passive-aggressive, immature, and divisive. It seems like her insecurities and jealousy have created a lot of unnecessary drama over the years. Her boyfriend’s behavior only adds to the tension—his actions, including the incident with the gun, show a pattern of dangerous and disrespectful behavior. It’s frustrating that your brother defends them instead of recognizing how their actions have impacted you and the rest of the family.

    As for Easter, it’s completely fair to take your time deciding whether to go. If you do attend, focusing on your parents or other supportive family members while keeping a distance from Amy and her boyfriend could help minimize stress. On the other hand, if it feels unsafe or emotionally draining, it’s okay to skip it. Your well-being is more important than showing up to a gathering that could make things worse.

    I know you’ve put a lot of effort into trying to maintain peace, even when others haven’t met you halfway. It’s okay to step back and protect your own peace—there’s no need to keep trying when it’s not being reciprocated.

    If you need to talk or share more, I’m here for you. Whatever you decide about Easter, I hope you find some calm and support during the holiday. You deserve that!

    anita

    May 4, 2025 at 3:15 pm #445366
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita and to all that offered their advice. I am not sure how to reply to each and every one of you. We did end up going to Easter Dinner at my brother’s house. Everyone was there except my 2 grown boys. One had to work and the other chose not to go. We arrived and “Amy and her bf” were seated on the sofa with their back towards us as we walked up the stairs to the living room. Neither one bothered to turn around and say a friendly HI. We said Hi to everyone and not one word from those 2. During dinner, hardly anyone spoke except for my brother and his wife, their kids and my brother’s wife’s mom. My mom had her puppy with her, so that should have been an ice breaker, but it wasn’t. To answer Alessa’s question, yes it was safe there. My brother had spoken to Amy’s bf telling him not to drink and keep things cool. The food was good and over all we had a nice time. Before we left, Amy and her bf were outside and We ended up leaving and taking my mom and her puppy home. She was not happy but happy to have left.

    Fast forward to today. The drama just continues. My sister n law found out last week that she has breast cancer . I am offering as much support as I can for her and my brother. So today, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I was asking what she wanted to do for mother’s day and she told me that my brother, and his wife are taking my mom and his wife’s mom to dinner next Saturday. I asked why was I not asked and I was gonna ask him what he wanted to do for mom and then my mom told me about the dinner plans. I got upset, angry and hurt that he did not bother to contact me. Thats how it is in my family sometimes, no one bothers to ask me or call me about stuff like that. I blew up! And my parents never want to hear what i have to say. MY dad never wants to hear it. Everytime I voice a concern or tell how I feel, my feelings get swept under the rug and I get blamed for having feelings and being opinionated. My dad called my brother , next thing I knew my dad hung up on me. My mom tried to explain that my brother and his wife wanted to take my mom and his wife’s mom to dinner only and then we will do something on mothers day. I said well I felt it was rude and thoughtless not to invite me and my husband too. Then all hell broke loose. Accusing me of how i felt. Blaming me for everything…I was so upset…I fell to the floor and just cried so hard, as I am still crying as I write all this.
    My sister n law wanted to get together with her sister and me to talk about what happened last summer because she needs us both now since she has breast cancer. She wants us to reconcile not only with her having cancer, but to do things again like we all used to. I said ok..I am willing to meet with you and Amy this Friday to talk things out. At first her sister did not want to and I heard all this fighting and arguing, then she called me back saying Amy will meet and talk. My brother still tried to blame me for everything that happened. Then she was screaming and arguing about everything while i was on the phone with my brother. I told him, if one of the kids there would not have told on me and listened in on my conversation none of this would have happened so it was just not me that started it either. My sister n law said its so hard to have everyone together because no one gets along. I told her have you guys even thought about talking to them and asking why they ignored everyone before last summers incident?
    They said they tried but didn’t want to listen. All I have to say is that Amy better apologize to me also. How do I go about calmly apologizing also without sounding harsh and defensive? Right now I am so mad for the lack of support my family has towards me.. I am just tired. I am tired of the drama, the blame game, lack of family support, and how everyone thinks I am at fault for everything that happens, even if I wasn’t there. I am willing to reconcile for the sake of my sister n law only because she has cancer and needs our support which I totally understand and I will be there for her during this bad journey.

    I am sorry if it sounded as if I was talking in circles, but it is all very upsetting, hurt and stressful. I just don’t know how to handle this at all.

    May 5, 2025 at 2:53 am #445379
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Arie1276

    In our country Mothers Day always falls on a Sunday – is this also the same in your country? If this is so what is the real issue about your mom going out on the day before? Ok no-one wants to feel excluded on the one hand but, on the other we want to be in charge of who we see & what we want to do this paradoxical dance can go on most the time with everyone
    Last year my son spent the Sunday with his wife & her family and in general I am anti the commercialization & hype around old religious/spiritual occasions. This year it was just going to be my daughter in law & children going out to lunch, but once my son found out that my dad was going to be in hospital that day I was invited to join them.

    I get that the change in your sister in laws health has been the catalyst to try & improve interfamily relationships. When my mum got cancer for the 2nd time I said to my sons that whatever Nan wants Nan gets (as long as it is legal). Yes it was difficult to fulfill that wish over the following 5 years to her death & I failed on many occasions, but that heartfelt wish to make mum’s journey a pain free & peaceful one never left me.
    I hope that things get easier for you & all your family.
    Best wishes
    Roberta

    May 5, 2025 at 11:17 am #445384
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie:

    It’s good to hear from you, though I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling so upset, hurt, and stressed over the ongoing family tensions. Over time, I’ve noticed that perceived exclusion deeply affects you, and your emotional reaction can escalate quickly, leading to intense frustration.

    You felt excluded when you weren’t invited to the Mother’s Day dinner, but as Roberta pointed out, Mother’s Day (in the U.S., as well as in many other countries) is always on a Sunday. Your brother and his wife planned to take your mother to dinner on Saturday, the day before Mother’s Day. That still leaves Sunday open for you to celebrate with her, doesn’t it?

    Your brother’s choice to celebrate Mother’s Day early with your mom isn’t necessarily meant to exclude you—it may just be his way of planning something special with her. If he had invited her to dinner on Sunday without including you, that would be different. But since this dinner is on Saturday, it might simply be his own way of marking the occasion rather than deliberately leaving you out.

    I bring this up not to dismiss your feelings, but to offer another perspective—sometimes, situations that feel like exclusion aren’t actually meant that way. If this wasn’t about intentionally sidelining you, do you think approaching it from that mindset might ease some of the frustration and hurt?

    anita

    May 5, 2025 at 3:04 pm #445400
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your family. These things are not easy.

    Your family sounds complicated.

    I’m glad that the Easter thing went ok – or as well as can be expected. It sounded very awkward to me.

    I find it odd that you are expected to go to things that you don’t really want to go to. Then specifically not invited to things that you show an interest in. It is a lot of mixed signals.

    It sounds like the sister in law was being honest with you that it is hard for everyone to do things together because people don’t get along.

    My family also took this route of doing separate things for special occasions.

    It is difficult because whilst your sister in law might want to reconcile there is still conflict with your brother.

    I’m sorry that you are blamed for all of this. Your family sounds very stressful to deal with.

    It is kind of you to be open to improving the relationship with the sister in law.

    In time, it might be easier for you if you emotionally distance yourself from your family. I know it is hard to stop caring because they are your family though.

    I imagine these dramas happen over and over again across the years. It doesn’t sound like they are going to stop.

    You are honest about your mistakes. But you are not the only one making mistakes and the way that you are treat isn’t fair.

    One thing that helped me is understanding that you can only have a relationship with someone if both of you want it. You don’t need to waste your energy on people who aren’t interested. Save it for the people that care about you. ❤️

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