Dear Anita,

Thanks for your thoughtful message.

When I read you, it makes perfect sense to ask him to clarify what he stated without being confrontational. And I tried to, but when I am caught in my pattern of insecurities I freeze. Part of me also wants to know if it is a casual date or not, but I don’t know if I can handle the conversation and really wants to hear the answer. It would be maybe healthier than avoiding the conversation.

I am also wondering if it is my critical inner voice that is trying to find any flaw in this relationship, in me, in him, to stop this relationship and stop vulnerability because all of this challenges this voice.

Helen

Hi Prash,

Thanks for your suggestion. I am examining my inner critic and it is stunning how many things it has to say and how mean it is. According to it, I am not lovable, not attractive, not interesting enough. I know deep-down that it is not true, that my real self is lovable, attractive and interesting but I am shocked by how harsh this inner critic is. It made me cry to realize how I was and still am talking to myself.

Hi Mark,

Yes, thank you for suggesting that and for this article, it is always nice to keep that in mind. I read two books on Attachment styles (Too close for comfort and Insecure in love), they don’t have exactly the same denominations but the ideas are similar. I think he is dismissive, no need for love, with low anxiety and high avoidance and I am more fearful, conflicted in love with high anxiety and high avoidance. I feel I am in constant tension between being too close or too distant, and adopting the same ways of communication. He is not a texter? I won’t text. He doesn’t introduce me to his friends? I don’t either. I am working on that with mindfulness, still baby steps!

Hi Anita,

Thanks for sharing this experience with the bird, it is another way to see the fear that I haven’t been able to see, the fact that it is special and it will give us the confidence to do it again with less fear. I will try this approach.

I can see that I have to rebuild inner peace after this episode but I am grateful for your advices, listening and understanding.

Helen

Hi again everyone,

I am starting to fell appart. I had a so-so experience with my last date with him, i tried to regain confidence. I was thinking it was maybe just not our days for either of us. So I offered him to see each other this week and he is busy and will leave for holidays. Not offering any suggestion to meet. So I wish him good holidays but ask him if we were fine or does he have something to tell me ? I know it is not the best option to text but I feel I have activated my anxious mode and will probably not meet each other until the end of the month. I feel that I needed to ask him.

If it is good between us, fine I will deactivate my anxious mode. If he becomes more avoidant (as I sense it like that) and will just not respond or end this relation, I want to know. I know that there is no certainty in relationships, but I want to move on if he keeps being avoidant and not ruin my holidays being in limbo without knowing if he wants space but too afraid to tell me. I want to find inner peace again, I know I will be okay with any option. I tried and will try again but not now.

Helen

Hi Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to answer. I didn’t calmly write what we have exchanged. I ask him he wanted to meet, he said he was busy and then going to holidays. I then replied that is fine and wish him good holidays and ask, between us are we fine or do you have things to tell me? I prefer a clarification rather than asking myself if he was trying to make some space, avoid me or being really busy. I can’t know without asking him.

I do understand your questions, though. When I said I tried, I mean I tried to let go, to not ask myself too many questions and tried to date casually. i can’t deactivate my anxious mode but I can’t keep asking questions to myself about him and making the answers as well for him.

It is because I don’t feel myself in this anxious mode that I am okay with it ending. I learnt amazing things, I had good times and laughed a lot, but maybe our two attachment styles are too different to let the relationship unfold at its pace.

Helen

Dear Anita,
Thanks for your answer. It is the first time I ask the question and of course I don’t have any answer, I am okay with whatever happens next. It is his will to answer me or not, I don’t have any control on this but I asked.
I had few dates before this guy and before I was in a long distance relationship for 8 years. He was more the anxious type and we got along very well, we lived together for a year and half and I had to move for my job. We had some issues but we were willing to talk about them, except the main problem at that time: incompatible live projects, he was planning to be an organic farmer and I needed to be in a big city for my job. He was ok with sacrificing his project to be with me but I didn’t want him to do that, I thought that one day he would resent me for living in a city where he has no friends and a job he hates. He has now abandoned his project to be able to live in another country to learn the language and be closer to his friends but don’t have a very stable professional project.
Helen