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Feeling lost in life

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  • #397228
    Sesha
    Participant

    Dear anita

    I am not sure that panic attacks are what I am suffering based on some informations I heard from the internet and youtube videos.

    When those suffocating feelings appear, they don’t really suddenly but gradually come up. My breathing doesn’t get short that bad and I don’t feel physical pain in my chest. In general I don’t feel physical pain or change of body temperature.

    On the other hand the presentation of children to have panic attacks seem to fit me. The avoidance part is also true for me. I still have a tendency to avoid others or uncomfortable situations. But I try to face those uncomfortable situations and to endure also those uncomfortable feelings, because that is the only way to change those feelings.

    Sesha

     

    #397236
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sesha:

    I am not a health care professional, and neither are you. You may want to see one in order to receive a proper diagnosis (maybe panic disorder, maybe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, maybe something else). The benefit of receiving a proper diagnosis is about receiving a treatment fitting the diagnosis. There are psychotherapists that are very scientific about their work, they start with a diagnosis, develop objectives, a treatment plan and evaluate progress along the way.

    It doesn’t take a professional to notice that you suffer from significant anxiety. If a person is not able to lower one’s anxiety by practicing mindfulness, aerobic exercise, and other self-care practices, then psychiatric medications are necessary. So, I hope that you schedule mindfulness etc., into your daily schedule and persist in serious practice for a few months, see if you experience improvement after a few months. Re-consider medications if you don’t manage to be persistent in the practice and see progress.

    What I noticed in your earlier post today, the one before last, is your anger, an understandable emotion and a natural one. Is anger behind the “intense moaning” that you mentioned?

    anita

    #397360
    Sesha
    Participant

    Dear anita

    I will continue with mindfulness and sport to regulate my mental health. I believe that I have the necessary tools to regulate my emotions. It takes time, constancy and practise to see any effects. I also need from time to time exchange with others to feel accepted and not alone on my journey.

    I feel more hurt than angry when I’m whining (“intense moaning”).

    Sesha

     

    #397361
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sesha:

    In the context of this thread, you are welcome to “exchange with (me/ other members) to feel accepted and not alone on (your) journey“. Also, if you want to express your “hurt and angry” here, on your thread, using words, you are welcome to do so whenever you want to.

    anita

    #397364
    Sesha
    Participant

    Thank you

    #397370
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Sesha.

    anita

    #398742
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I hope that you are okay, Sesha. Are you?

    anita

    #398767
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sesha:

    I am aware that you did not post for over 2 weeks, but I re-read all of our communication in the 4 pages of your thread nonetheless because I know that there has been something significant missing in my previous understanding. I spent hours this morning trying to find that missing piece.

    These are the words you used to describe your emotions since last year: “anxious in everything I was doing and with everyone… very anxious and paranoid… so tense and nervous around people… constantly stressedself-blame, shame and worry… Feelings of loneliness and worthlessness suffocate me… so tiredalways feel uncomfortable in my own skin… there is nothing that I enjoy in life… my emotions… suffocate me… Those intense emotions are scary and terrible… overwhelmed with fear for my futureboredom and lonelinessreally low… those suffocating feelings haunt me… every time they come out, they drain my energy, paralyze me”.

    – it is clear to me that the origin of your intense hurt, fear, tension, loneliness, feelings of worthlessness (shame), etc., is in your parents’ partial and conditional acceptance of you: when you performed well as a student (good grades) and appeared emotionally strong and stable, they accepted you. If you failed to perform well, and/ or if you appeared emotionally weak and unstable, they rejected you.

    In your original post you wrote: “Last year I pushed myself so hard to get through exams and projects” – you worked very hard to receive your parents’ acceptance. But you broke down, and currently being on a semester vacation from university, you find yourself in your mid-twenties, “still haven’t a degree or apprenticeship… behind in life“, meaning, you failed to perform to your parents’/ societal expectations.

    In your third and fourth post, you wrote about your parents: “They… just wanted that I succeed… I wish that they didn’t let me down emotionally when I most needed them. In every failure or rejection, I was alone…  It felt more like a constant pushing to reach high goals and ignore… other values in life than performance” – they accepted you when you performed successfully as a student and such and rejected you when you failed to perform well. They focused on only one value: your performance. They ignored your value as a human being with feelings and emotional needs, a human being that needs to be comforted in times of crisis.

    On April 5, I asked you: “when you notice a suffocating feeling, what goes through your mind? Can you type away (without planning what you write), whatever thoughts go through your brain when you notice a suffocating feeling?”. You answered: “When those suffocating feelings appear, I can feel how my head feels tense almost like a headache… I can’t think clearly. Everything and everyone don’t matter to me anymore. Nothing has meaning. My friends and family just are sometimes nice to me because I have something to offer that interest them. If I wouldn’t be open and positive, they will let me down. In time of crisis everyone would let me down anyway. I am the only person who I can rely on no matter what… Feeling that heaviness reminds me that I am worthless and unloved if I don’t have to offer something to the world. If I have no knowledge, I am not good in my performance… I am a nothing” –

    – here you expressed the nature of your original hurt in regard to your parents’ partial and conditional acceptance of you: in times of crisis, when you didn’t have something to offer (i.e.., evidence of successful performance such as good grades), and when you were not open and positive (not emotionally strong)- they let you down. You couldn’t rely on them to be there f0r you no matter what. Their rejection of you when you needed them most made you feel worthless, unloved… a nothing.

    Earlier you wrote about your parents: “They feel overwhelmed every time when I get emotional, so they let me be. Many times, they just stand up and go because they can’t bear my emotions and my intense moaning

    The last thing you shared, April 8: “I feel more hurt than angry when I’m whining (‘intense moaning’)“, hurt for being rejected, for being left alone when you needed them most.

    You shared earlier about how you act when you are hurt: “I feel like I am acting like a child and that is not tolerable in the society… When I am overwhelmed with those intense emotions, I cry a lot and I talk very negative about myself and others. I get paralyzed and every suggested possible solution I reject and continue to whine. Then I repeat those negative things again and again… My whining is unbearable and unhealthy. Even my therapist felt uncomfortable with my whining. It’s just too much”. 

    Earlier I suggested that these episodes whining and crying (that you characterized as inappropriate to an adult), may be panic attacks and you explained that it’s not likely to be panic attacks, because you didn’t experience the symptoms you read about in regard to panic attacks. I agree. I now think that these episodes are temper tantrums.

    Healthline/ Adult Temper Tantrums: “Hearing the word ‘tantrum’ might inspire visions of a small child flailing on the floor, red-faced, screaming, ‘I want it, I want it!’ Young children often throw temper tantrums because they haven’t yet learned to control their emotions or vocalize their needs. But what about this kind of behavior in an adult… Adult meltdowns and rage attacks can resemble tantrums, but they tend to happen when someone can no longer cope with tension or painful emotions… Without good emotional regulation skills, some people have a hard time navigating those emotions in appropriate ways. Not everyone learns to express emotions in healthy ways. People who learned to suppress emotions often experience outbursts when they can no longer push them back”.

    The article includes suggestions for adults who display temper tantrums and for friends and family of the person throwing the temper tantrums, one of which is: “Tantrums, rage attacks, and meltdowns are usually linked in some way to overwhelming situations or difficulty regulating emotions. If you don’t know what upset your friend or loved one, ask. They may not respond until they feel calmer, but when they do, hear them out. Knowing someone cares can make it easier to explore solutions. Showing understanding and compassion also helps validate their feelings”.

    Psych central/ all about adult temper tantrums: “Temper tantrums are a normal part of childhood development. Children, especially toddlers, sometimes struggle to control and express their emotions. As we learn to regulate emotions and verbalize our needs better, we typically grow out of having these outbursts. However, adults can have tantrums, too. This can involve an upheaval due to frustration or anger. In some cases, an outburst might relate to mental health conditions, including personality disorders…. Type of adult outbursts: … The whine and moan: Angry crying, moaning…”.

    Interestingly, the article mentions panic attacks (the suggestion I made earlier to you, that these intense-moaning episodes may be panic attacks), it reads:  “Sometimes, what looks like a temper tantrum at first glance is actually something else. For example, the wide-eyed pacing and ragged breathing of a panic attack might look like a temper tantrum, but panic attacks are intense physical and mental symptoms, not simply an emotional reaction”.

    I believe that the episodes you described are indeed adult temper tantrums. Notice in the article I just mentioned, it says: “In some cases, an outburst might relate to mental health conditions, including personality disorders”-

    From The minds journal/ The Temper Tantrums of Borderline Personality Disorder, PDF: “People suffering from borderline personality disorder are sometimes more prone to temper tantrums…. Key Points: The borderline personality is desperate for connection and support when alone, often idealizing potential partners or friends. Once the yearned-for relationship begins, the cycle of disappointment, rage, and avoidance repeats. The borderline patient is help-resistant because the therapist’s interventions spark temper tantrums”-

    – regarding resisting help, you did share resistance to psychotherapy and to psychiatric medications, and you mentioned that during those episodes you reject every single suggestion given you: “I am not sure if another therapist could help me… I am aware of psychiatric medications. But I really don’t want any medications… When I am overwhelmed with those intense emotions, I cry a lot… and every suggested possible solution I reject and continue to whine“.

    Wikipedia/ borderline personality disorder: “borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… BPD typically begins by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations… A core characteristic of BPD is affective instability, which generally manifests as unusually intense emotional responses to environmental triggers, with a slower return to a baseline emotional state…Studies have shown that borderline patients experience chronic and significant emotional suffering and mental agony”.

    Significant emotional suffering and mental agony is evident in your writing, see first paragraph in this post.

    Back to a quote from what you shared: “when I grew older, I couldn’t control my emotions and they got very intense. I didn’t know how to handle them…  I couldn’t bear those emotions…  Now as an adult I fear that people will walk away if I am not my stable self. Those intense emotions are scary and terrible for others too. So, I have a tendency to avoid others especially if I acted irritating or created discomfort for others… alone the emotions intensify but in such an unstable state I can’t seek comfort in others… I want that people don’t leave me alone with those intense emotions. I want support… Many times, I told my father that I want to die because everything has no meaning, or I can’t handle my life” – there is a lot of that significant emotional suffering and mental agony in your writings.

    If I was you, Sesha, I would go to a mental health professional (or two, for a second opinion) to be evaluated and maybe diagnosed with what applies to you. The value of a diagnosis is for it to be used by quality professionals for the purpose of putting together a treatment plan that is specifically tailored and appropriate to you.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .
    #399074
    Sesha
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Thank you for asking how I am doing. It’s been a while. I am doing ok. There are moments where I feel down, but it also pass if I focus to take care of myself. How are you?

    I am impressed that you reanalysed our conversation. That must take a lot of time and effort. I appreciate that.

    Your conclusion makes sense to me.  I can rely to some of the traits of BPD. I know you have good intention to suggest to go to a mental health professional. But I still believe to tackle my thoughts, life circumstances and connection with trusting people, will help me to be more free from my suffocating feelings. At the end I have to regulate my emotions. And good experiences reinforces good habits and posivity towards life even if it sometimes feels like life will not get better.

    Sesha

    #399075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sesha:

    You are welcome and thank you for expressing appreciation for my time and effort, it is very kind of you to do so. I understand that you choose to not see a mental health professional. I respect your right to make this choice, so I will not repeat my suggestion.

    I am fine, thank you, tired today, unusually tired and it is only 4:50 pm where I am. I think that I will try to nap or just lie down and watch a YouTube video or two.

    Post again anytime you want to, if you want, we can talk about emotion regulation or whatever else you choose to bring up. It just occurred to me to ask, the term you use, “suffocating feelings”, is it a translation from another language (I don’t think I heard these two words put together before I read it in your thread)? If you had to choose a more common term used in English to mean the same thing, what would it be?

    anita

    #399099
    Sesha
    Participant

    Dear anita

    I hope that you slept well and could regenerate from your yesterday’s tiredness.

    “Suffocating feelings” is indeed translated from my language to english. I don’t know which other term I can use to describe those feelings. I can try to put it in words. It is a combination of feeling empty and at the same time it feels very heavy. Hopelessness and worthlessness is also present. Sitting with those emotions feels often lonely and very unsupportable. It feels like that nobody cares, there is no value in anything I do and life seems meaningless. Sometimes I think that it would be better just to die, because I can’t handle those emotions and I think the world is better off without me. If I exist, suffer or not, the world will always move on not matter what.

    I hope it gives you a big picture of my “suffocating feelings”. It is not the first time that those feelings occured, so I have some coping strategies. It doesn’t always work, but at least to stick to those strategies help not letting it get worse.

    Sesha

     

    #399100
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sesha:

    As I was reading your description of “suffocated feelings”, before I got to the part where you wrote “Sometimes I think that it would be better just to die“, I thought to myself: this sounds like what an animal (such as a cat, a dog) feels before it goes to an isolated, secluded spot so to die.

    a combination of feeling empty and at the same time it feels very heavy. Hopelessness and worthlessness… lonely and very unsupportable. It feels like that nobody cares, there is no value in anything… the world is better off without me. If I exist, suffer or not, the world will always move on not matter what” – and so, the cat or dog separates itself from the living world, walking to a secluded spot and… dying.

    This description leads me to think/ feel, how deeply lonely you were in the context of your family… I understand that your parents were uncomfortable with your emotions/ emotions in general, but your most recent description makes me think that they were extremely uncomfortable with emotions, meaning, they were not okay with…you/ themselves…  being human?

    I am focusing on their discomfort because it is their discomfort that created (the intensity of) these suffocated feelings in you, is my understanding.

    anita

    #399101
    Anonymous
    Guest

    And thank you, I am not as tired as yesterday…

    anita

    #399102
    Sesha
    Participant

    Dear anita

    In context to my family I do feel very lonely. I do think that my parents don’t really know how to handle emotions, so they don’t even know how to handle mine. They used to say that I have no reasons to cry if nobody died. My father decouraged me in my young age to trust people in general. Because nobody cares if you are not good in what you are doing and even will try to push you down for their own benefits. It was a long and hard way to learn to trust and connect with people. There were a lot of hurtful experiences with people where I struggled alone. Even if I still struggle, I can at least say I changed to the better. I am trying to find connection outside from my family. I am more confident since I moved out. I need that physical distance to not fall back to the habits of helplessness and resentment towards my family. I really want people around me who get me and help me to grow as a human being. I want people I can rely on and trust. I want connections that matter to me not only in my best performance.

    Sesha

    #399103
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sesha:

    In context to my family I do feel very lonely… My father discouraged me in my young age to trust people in general” – your father put you in a very difficult situation (my mother did the same thing to me): lonely- that is, feeling desperately alone- in the context of the family and outside the context of the family.

    I really want people around me who get me and help me…  I want people I can rely on and trust. I want connections that matter to me not only in my best performance“- if people like me only when I perform well… it’s not me that they like, it’s my performance.

    He told you: “nobody cares if you are not good in what you are doing” – he is confusing things: when a person is cared for only when performing well, the caring is not for the person, it’s caring for the performance. For example, an employer gives an employee a bonus for good performance: the bonus (at least primarily) is about caring for the employee’s performance, not about caring for the employee as a person. The bonus is about encouraging the employee to repeat the good performance, because good performance means financial profit.

    I really want people around me who get me and help me to grow as a human being. I want people I can rely on and trust” – this is possible for you, just as it became possible for me, coming from a position of lack of trust in people. It’s not that everyone is trustworthy, but there are trustworthy people in this world.

    I will be away from the computer for about 5 h0urs. Feel free to post again on this topic (I feel that we are getting someplace with this!)

    anita

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