MeowAnna,

You are who you are.  He is what he is.  I assume that you two have talked about this with each other.  It is all part of accepting who each of you are.  You can attempt to shift into behaviors that will reassure him that you are happy to see him but ultimately this is who you are and am perfectly fine in that.

Talk to him.  He needs to be reassured that you are happy to see him.  Figure out ways/words/gestures/behavior that both of you can live with in terms of him knowing that you are happy to see him.  It probably won’t be the same what he wants but that is what communication and acceptance between two different people are all about.

Make sense?

Mark

By the way, I can relate to your behavior.  I am just starting a relationship and we communicate a lot especially on letting each other know who we are doing/feeling.  I pretty low key emotionally but let my girlfriend know with words how I feel about her. I am touchy/huggy with her and that is a conscious decision.  Check out the Five Love Languages so both of you know that you two have different ways of showing love for each other.

Dear MeowAnna/ Julia:

Your boyfriend’s traveling schedule would be difficult for almost any and every woman on the face of this earth. Being absent up to 20 days per month, month after month, is a whole lot of absence, a whole lot of leaving and returning.

First item in my input is that your feelings are not of your choosing, including the anger at him. There is a valid message behind what we feel. There are no good or bad feelings. Anger is not a bad feeling.

You wrote, “Relationship with my mom was never very emotional, warm or close”-  a baby, a young child naturally feels very, very close to her mother. There is no person closer, more important than one’s mother (or primary care taker, if different than the mother).

She must have rejected you repeatedly. She must have ignored your many, many efforts to reach out to her, to gain her attention and love.

When your boyfriend leaves, it may  be a bit like your mother rejecting you, and when he returns you are angry at him, as in, why did you leave me?

It may be your anger with your father as well, for not being in your  life after the divorce with your mother.

And so, the valid message behind your resentment, other than the difficulty in having a relationship with a person who is absent so often, is the old, still existing, anger at your mother for rejecting you and/or at your father for disappearing out of your life.

What do you think, or …better ask: what do you feel, if anything?

anita

I don’t think there is anything to worry about here….the rythme of being together gets upset when you’re apart. Hollywood has told you that you should be beside yourself as soon as he gets home….but if you need a little time to get used to being together..then don’t give yourself a hard time.

Dear MeowAnna:

You are welcome. I don’t view it as contradictory, that you enjoy time alone and that you feel abandoned when your boyfriend travels to work. Back to the child that you were, any child needs to  know her primary care taker (usually the mother) is there. It is when the child feels the mother is there, not far away, that she feels safe enough to explore. As she explores a distance away, she looks back to make sure the mother is  still there.

As adults we still need a combination of alone time/ exploring and together time/ safety.

anita

Hey there,

I created this account just to follow THIS thread. My boyfriend has wanted a job that requires travel for years. I have made it clear that I am not comfortable with it. He now feels like he can’t propose to me because I don’t trust him to not be nearby all the time. I’ve explained it’s really that I deal with abandonment feelings while he’s away (JUST like the ones described in this thread) and he says he hears that but still feels how he feels. We’ve been together for 10 years.

I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. Absent mother and emotionally manipulative father, so I know where these feelings come from AND I am in therapy to try to address them… but I also just don’t want to deal with being with someone who travels for a living. It’s so hard for me to take emotionally.

Like I said, we have been together 10 years, since high school. We were long distance for college and he was terrible at keeping up communication – he claimed in order to “survive” he required little to no communication while we were apart. It was impossible to schedule time to skype together. It tore me to pieces, but I held on because I really love him. He has since worked on this and calls me regularly when he’s away (as I requested).

When graduation was nearing he was looking for jobs that required travel. I got so upset and said I needed him to not travel for work. He got a job as a teacher instead and we stayed put in the Bay Area for three years. I thought he was ok with not traveling for work and that he understood my wishes.

He would fly to see his family and friends for the summers, which was hard for me. I made him feel bad for doing so in the beginning, but he said it was really wrong and hurting him so I got therapy for it. I think I got better but he’s still so bitter about it.

COVID hit and he started desperately complaining that he needed to be back on the East coast because he felt that he didn’t belong in the Bay Area. So, being the one with a job in tech, I easily found a tech job on the East coast. I myself feel more at home in the East coast, and we agreed that we would eventually move back anyways, the pandemic just heightened his need to be back East since he was stuck at home all the time.

He now has easy access to all of his family and friends, all of them a 2-6 hour car ride away. I on the other hand left behind good friends and the only family members that ever treated me right, so I felt like there was some level of sacrifice that I made to ensure we could both be happy. I thought he would be happier.

He’s been out of work for 6 or 7 months now, trying to transition from teaching to the private sector. He’s now looking for jobs that would require travel to Los Angeles and the Bay Area. I just don’t know what to do. I DON’T want him to travel for work, and I’m realizing there is no perfect place to move to for him to magically feel satisfied – he will always require a job that travels no matter where we live.

It seems like if I could get over these feelings of abandonment through therapy he might feel like I trust him and would be ready to take our relationship to the next step. I have so many feelings of hurt, anger, unworthiness, and abandonment. I don’t feel supported or understood, and I feel like it’s not fair that I should have to change my needs for him… I didn’t realize that he still wished to have a job that required travel.

I’m not sure if I’m even capable of being in a relationship with someone who travels for work, which is a terrifying thing to realize 10 years into a relationship and wanting to get married. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to get married now.

I desperately want to hear how other women have resolved this for themselves.

Dear BeeKind:

You shared that as a child, you had an “absent mother and an emotionally manipulative father”, and as a result, you developed “serious abandonment issues”.

In high school, you started your current relationship with the man you are still with. During college your relationship was long-distance and during that time, he “kept little to no communication with” you, which was very difficult for you. Since then he changed, and calls you regularly when he is away.

When his graduation from college was nearing, he looked for jobs that required travel. You got upset, because of your serious abandonment issues,  and told him that you “needed him to not travel for work”. He then got a job as a teacher and stayed put in the Bay Area for 3 years. During those years he flew to see his family and friends who lived on the East Coast for the summers. His absence was hard for you, and you “made him feel bad for doing so in the beginning”. He’s “still so bitter about it”.

Before Covid, the two of you talked about moving to the East Coast eventually, where you stated that you feel “more at home”. When Covid hit, “he was stuck at home all the time”, and “he started desperately complaining that he needed to be back on the East coast because he felt that he didn’t belong in the Bay Area”- so, you easily found a tech job on the East Coast, left behind “good friends and the only family members that ever treated me right”,  and moved east with him, hoping that your sacrifice will make him happy.

Currently, he is 2-6 hours car ride away from all his family and friends. He has also been out of work for 6-7 months at this point, trying to transition from teaching to the private sector, and looking for jobs that would require travel to Los Angeles and the Bay Area. You want to marry him, but he told you that he can’t propose to you because you “don’t trust him to not be nearby all the time”.

You are attending therapy for your abandonment issues, hoping to “get over these feelings of abandonment through therapy”, and that he might feel that you trust him and propose to you. You are feeling “hurt, anger, unworthiness, and abandonment. I don’t feel supported or understood, and I feel like it’s not fair that I should have to change my needs for him”, that you “didn’t realize that he still wished to have a job that required travel.. I’m not sure if I’m even capable of being in a relationship with someone who travels for work… I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to get married now”, “I  just don’t want to deal with being with someone who travels for a living”-

My thoughts:

1. In regard to him: I am guessing, and it is most likely, that when he was in high school, he didn’t know exactly what he wanted and what he should be doing, personally and professionally. And, of course, he had no way to know what the world will be like ten years later.

Over the years, he wanted to travel, he wanted you in his life, and therefore, he wanted to please you and stay put; he wanted to live and work in the Bay Area, then he wanted to be back east.. and now he wants to travel to Los Angeles and to the Bay area. He is currently in the process of a career transition, during an unstable and tense time of a winter-wave pandemic, unprecedent political times with elections in progress, civil unrest, and significant/ severe economic changes in progress.

I don’t think that he is ready to make a decision regarding marriage. He still needs to find his way, as the saying goes.

2. In regard to you: as hard as you are and will be working in therapy, serious/ severe emotional injuries in childhood, such that cause your abandonment issues, do not heal quickly or completely. The emotions you experience when you feel abandoned are powerful. It is better for you to continue to attend therapy and to not put yourself in situations that activate those powerful emotions.

It is similar to this: let’s say a person suffers from claustrophobia, the intense fear of being trapped in a small or enclosed space. That person should attend quality psychotherapy, but also see to it that he/ she does not volunteer to be trapped in a small or enclosed space.

It will be better for you to be involved with a man who is more stable, who has found his way, who is already established in a particular career, in a particular location and who does not plan to move to a different location, or to travel for work.

anita

Dear Jane,

I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband. He had a sick brother he had to take care of, and I felt exactly like you: I was hurt because I wasn’t his priority. He was very attached to his brother and suffering because of his deteriorating condition. Almost all his time and energy was focused on his brother. I decided to break up because I felt uncared for and neglected.

Well, some time later his brother passed away, and only then did I start realizing how selfish I was in this entire story. It actually caused a spiritual and personal crisis in me (because I wanted to get back with him and he was very reluctant because he felt betrayed). It was the trigger to start me on the path of personal development.

One of the first things I’ve learned is that the reason for my needy behavior was that I felt unloved, and needed someone to love and care for me, like a mother would care for a child. I needed to be No1 in his world, and I needed his life to revolve around me. When this wasn’t possible, I felt abandoned and unloved.

Another problem was my anxious attachment style, where I felt I couldn’t live without him. I wasn’t able to cope either existentially or emotionally without him. I was like a needy child, and he was like a good mother that I never had. It took me quite some time to heal those wounds and be able to take care of myself emotionally so that I don’t depend on him so much.

You say you’ve stayed in a marriage for 36 years with a mentally ill man who refused to seek help. That probably shows your fear of being alone, since it was easier (or safer?) for you to stay in an unhappy marriage than to separate. He must have met your needs in some way though, since you haven’t left to look for someone else?

My advice is to work on healing the abandonment issues, and the lack of self-love, because that’s the only way to experience a fulfilling relationship…