Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling so lost after leaving
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EvFran.
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November 13, 2024 at 2:00 pm #439350
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. Yes, I think that you should call your ex-boyfriend and take him on his offer. You are a good person, Louise, I can tell (and I have no doubt that your ex knows it!) , and you deserve help.
As tired as I am, I will next go for a 30 min walk in the light rain and back to the computer. Please feel free to post here as often and for as long as you need. I am here for you.
anita
November 13, 2024 at 2:07 pm #439351anitaParticipantDear Louise: about your most recent post: think short-term. You need help now. Think about staying with him for just as long as you need to. Not for any particular length of time, and definitely not forever. Or, if you can get support elsewhere, somewhere warm, that can work too, maybe better. What is certain is that you need not be alone at this time. It needs to be someone safe for you, safe and supportive, whomever/ wherever it may be.
anita
November 13, 2024 at 3:17 pm #439353
LouiseParticipantThank you again, Anita. And for your kind words. I have not felt like I am such a good person because of the situation with the other man behind the back of my boyfriend.
I’m giving some thought to whether I stay out here a bit longer and head to where my other friends are. They are not really close friends, but at least I would have them. Then I guess if I still feel bad, I could ask my boyfriend if I can come back. I guess I feel bad on the one hand to go back and stay there because I know he didn’t really want us to split up and I feel like I am messing him around but on the other hand I know he would let me stay because he knows I am in a bad way.Then the dilemma of if I meet up with the other man, I don’t know how I would feel about that As communication has been a bit strained with us over the past couple of months and I don’t know if I would feel safe and supported with him while I am feeling like this. I believe he is a good person, but just a situation is complicated and we don’t know each other that well I suppose. And I know I have formed quite an attachment to him for some reason, real or not, and I may be anxious in meeting up with him in case it is not reciprocated.
But the main issue, I suppose, How do I process and work through all of this stuff so that one day I will be able to feel happy and secure. As I guess, like he say if I move back to my ex-boyfriend’s house, it is probably not a permanent thing. In some way, I would like to be able to work things out with him because he is a lovely person and I do enjoy his company, he makes me feel safe, but I don’t know if that shit has sailed or it has been so long since we have been intimate or I have wanted to be, or really had much of an emotional connection beyond being just friends.
November 13, 2024 at 3:19 pm #439354LouiseParticipantSorry for spelling errors in my message. It is very early here and I am tired from not much sleep. It should say ‘ship has sailed’
November 13, 2024 at 4:27 pm #439355
HelcatParticipantHi Louise
I don’t think it is appropriate to go back to your ex-boyfriend’s place. You’re not attracted to him and you used him for the past few years to fund your lifestyle of travelling. You shouldn’t use him again. It’s not a kind thing to do to someone.
Remaining friends is perfectly fine. In that way, you could make up to him all of the mistakes you made. Please do the hard thing and not the easy thing. Take charge of your life once and for all.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 13, 2024 at 4:29 pm #439356HelcatParticipantSurely there are other people that would be willing to host you for a short time while you get your arrange your affairs?
November 13, 2024 at 4:31 pm #439357HelcatParticipant*get to arrange your affairs
November 13, 2024 at 4:32 pm #439358anitaParticipantDear Louise:
First, it is not the time to make long-term commitments and decisions in regard to any of the two men. Second, I think (and again, I am not focused, don’t remember everything that you shared, and will re-read and reply tomorrow), that if I was you, I would contact both men today and tell them (in separate communications, of course) just how you feel at this time, and that you are not in the place to be there for them, and perhaps that you regret that, and.. wait for their separate responses. This might give you much needed information.
I hope you get some rest/ sleep today, and I hope that I sleep tonight (Wed., 4:32 pm here, and getting dark).
anita
November 13, 2024 at 4:32 pm #439359HelcatParticipantYou are currently flirting with another man. Have you been honest with him about this?
November 13, 2024 at 5:04 pm #439363LouiseParticipant<p class=”p2″>Thank you Anita.</p>
<p class=”p2″>Helcat, I know my post may sound that way, but I have definitely not just been using him to fund my travels. It is in no way just for financial reasons that I have stayed with him or that I am missing our relationship. I work remotely so I continue to work while I am travelling and this is what funds my travels. I paid half of all the living costs and rent when I lived with him, even if I was away travelling for months I continued to pay that. </p>
<p class=”p2″>Although we have not been intimate for a while we have had a close relationship in other ways, and I have supported him through difficulties in his own life for the past 15 years. We have also done a lot of travelling together. </p>
<p class=”p2″>I didn’t want the intimacy to stop. I think it is an issue I have about feeling trapped when I live with someone because it’s at the point when we moved in together that these feelings changed for me. The words Anita has said have made me realise maybe this is why. I didn’t want my feelings to change I wish I could still feel that way about him. </p>
<p class=”p2″>I am just trying to explain it has not been a black-and-white situation. I care about him and this is also why I have not left before. Neither of us has tried to fix the problem in our relationship.</p>November 13, 2024 at 5:05 pm #439364LouiseParticipantSorry about all the strange symbols in my message. I think it’s because I typed it in another app and copied and pasted it!
November 13, 2024 at 5:15 pm #439365anitaParticipantDear louise:
You are welcome and no worries about the strange symbols. You are a good person and you don’t deserve to suffer from either guilt nor.. anything else. It will be okay, you’ll figure out what to do. Life is complicated isn’t it (I’ll be back to you in the morning).
anita
November 13, 2024 at 5:16 pm #439366LouiseParticipantI guess now what I am really looking for is how to start finding a way to work on these issues and stop repeating these patterns. They feel so deep-rooted I just don’t know how to go about it
November 13, 2024 at 5:25 pm #439371anitaParticipantDouble posting, Louise. I don’t know if you noticed my post, submitted a minute or less before yours..
anita
November 13, 2024 at 5:31 pm #439372HelcatParticipantHi Louise
You said that you can’t afford to rent a place. You may have been able to afford the travelling and half of the rent. But can you actually afford to rent your own place while living this lifestyle? I’m basing this off your own words, not mine.
This is what I meant by using someone financially. Not many people would put up with being treat the way you treat your ex-boyfriend. Not many people would actually use someone when they weren’t genuinely invested in the relationship.
You said yourself that he was unhappy with the situation and you want to make your unhappiness, his unhappiness again.
You might have cared about him once but you have chosen to lie to him and emotionally cheat on him.
The relationship was at one point genuine, but became a mere convenience for you.
Lots of people look for flatmates, someone who only lives there half a year will be an enticing prospect. There are other ways to achieve your goal of safety instead of choosing to hurt your ex again.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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