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Feeling unaccepted in my marriage

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #300447

    Kat
    Participant

    I met my husband when I was 19, and we have been together for 21 years.  Our relationship is great!  We meet on a very spiritual level and love each other very much.  It is a pure meeting of the minds.  I’m plus size and my husband is not attracted to me.  I gained weight after being diagnosed with a mental illness a long time ago and he has rarely even touched me since then.  We have no sexual relationship anymore, for many years it was a one sided thing but he won’t touch me because I’m fat.  In every way I love this man!  Sometimes I just wish that he was attracted to me and that we had more of a physical connection.  Lately some guys have been hitting on me when I’m out and about, and I cannot help but feel attracted to them.  I want to be faithful and I love my husband so much.  Not sure what to do because I just wish he was attracted to me.

    #300457

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kat,

    It’s great you have a strong relationship apart from the physical side, congrats.  So how long has it been this way? A drop-off from the early days is pretty normal and ‘enough’ is whatever works for both people in the relationship. When you say one-sided, I understand that as it was you always making the advances to start anything and once you stopped that, everything stopped?  Why did you stop – did he stop responding? There are many ways to show affection and attraction, is he demonstrative outside the bedroom, lots of cuddles and the like but platonic?  It just helps to understand more, if you are happy to share further.

    It’s normal to want to feel attractive and it relates heavily to feeling wanted, so it’s not surprising you are tempted by other men if you aren’t getting that feeling from your husband. Thing is, feeling attractive is all about how you feel about yourself. So your size is irrelevant, if you feel sexy as you are, the energy you put out is one of someone who knows she is attractive, and so you are found to be attractive.  Do you feel comfortable and sexy?

    Since you have a strong relationship, it’s probably a good idea to have a chat with him about in a non-demanding way, see if there’s anything going on that’s stressing him out,  it’s likely just that the two of you have fallen into a rut of comfortableness, he may be missing you just as much!

    Hope helps.

    #300485

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Kat,

    I get the feeling that you are heavily focussed on the mental/spiritual aspects of your relationship at the expense of any physical connection that you might have enjoyed.  I am wondering if you do any physical activities together where you can reconnect to your own and possibly each other’s bodies such as yoga or dancing to redress any imbalance.

    Surely, if you love each other as much as you say you do, your husband would not want to think that this aspect of your relationship is making you so unhappy.  It’s too easy to blame his lack of interest on your weight gain.  There is something else going on.  Perhaps he just has a very low sex drive or has underlying anxiety.  You most definitely need to talk to him.

    Don’t compromise your own values by embarking upon an affair.  Take the best care of yourself that you can, build your self esteem and stay true to your inner beliefs.

    I hope it works out for you.

    Peggy

     

     

    #300625

    Mark
    Participant

    Kat,

    So you gained weight because of your mental illness?  Was it because of the medication that dealt with it or that you over ate because of it?

    I am with Peggy about the low sex drive part.  It is not uncommon for long term partners lose interest in sex.  The boredom and the monotony of the relationship contributes to that.

    I wonder if you are attracted to him sexually?

    Mark

    #300665

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kat,

    One way to wake up his attraction for you is to TELL him about all these guys. He may not believe it. He may believe they must have a fetish. Those would be coming from places of denial. But one thing’s for sure. We are attracted to whatever/whoever someone else is attracted to. It’s human nature.

    Another way to perk his curiosity is to suddenly wake up at five in the morning happily singing Rogers and Hammerstein songs, wearing a sundress, say you’ll be back by noon, be out all day, then the next day be at the gym all day after professionally washing your car. Well that’s just me. My husband would say, “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??” convinced there was someone in the background. And flowers everywhere. And new items in the house you would never buy for yourself.

    I know you (probably) won’t do all that. But doing one or two is fun. It’s GOOD your husband sees some sort of mystique about you.

    Maybe the problem isn’t you. Maybe he has low sex drive, is asexual, has ED.

    If there is no physical problem on his end, has he truly been faithful to you? If not, why feel bad? Indulge in the attention! Tell him you want an Open Marriage. Why deny yourselves?

    Good Luck!

    Inky

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