Dear beginner25:

You wrote that you “don’t feel that comfortable been intimate with other people, but he was the first of everything”- first of everything, these are strong words, suggesting an intense bonding to him.

A summary of your share: you started seeing him a year and a few months ago, dated for three months then went long distance, saw each other once a month. The two of you didn’t see each other past February. As a result, “he was angry all the time and not wanting to talk to me”.

Later he asked you for time, to put the relationship on hold until the two of you live in the same city. You refused, suggesting to break up instead. Following that you “did no contact for 2 months”, breaking the no contact once to “lash on him for something that he posted”. Later you talked again and he told you that “he was now sure that he didn’t want long distance” and that he wanted an open relationship until the time, in eight months (December this year), that the two of you live in the same city.

Before I go on, I would like to understand the following sentence: “I asked him if he had sex when we broke up and he said that he was basic and he can’t go two months without having sex”- what does “basic” means here?

Another question: when you dated for the first three months, how did you spend your time together?

anita

Dear beginner25:

I understand that you are still considering a relationship with him, to resume the relationship, maybe December, if he is not involved by then with another woman, in a serious committed way.

If you would like, let’s look at whether this man is a good man to have in a relationship, for you. If he is the man to have a family with, if that is what you are considering.

Is he impulsive, that is, it is difficult for him to not get what he wants when he wants it? I am not referring only to sex but other things as well?

anita

Dear beginner25:

It is not necessary for you to get him to tell you that he doesn’t love you so that you can move on. It is possible for you to come to a place of understanding and peace with your understanding. And according to that future understanding, you will be able to make a wise decision, for you.

To develop your own understanding, let’s look at the man and the situation, if you would like:

You wrote, “he gets frustrated easily and hates when things don’t go the way he wants them”-

what kind of a possible lifetime partner does that make him?

anita

Dear beginner25:

I would like to keep communicating with you but I need to get away from the computer. I will be back in about sixteen hours. For now, this “constant sadness and depression”, is not really constant. A lot of it, yes; often, yes, but not constant, not all the time. Notice the moments you don’t feel it, maybe when you look outside and see the sun. Maybe when you take a hot bath, if you do.

These moments when you do not feel sadness and depression, notice these moments lasting longer and longer.

Please post again, anytime. Perhaps other members will reply to you before I am back.

anita

Dear beginner25:

About the hurt, the sadness, the desperation you feel about this man: we don’t like to feel these feelings, we really don’t want to feel them. But we have no choice: when we feel them, we feel them. Thing to remember is: feelings do not kill. We survive our feelings. As badly as they feel, we are still alive, we go to bed and we wake up the next day. Keep it in mind, no matter how badly you feel, you will live through it, life continues no matter how we feel.

You wrote: “The thing that hurts me the most is that he keeps saying that he loves me, how can you love someone if you ask for an open relationship?” – the physical intimacy you shared with him, for the first time in your life, feels so special to you, doesn’t it. But for him, not so much. It is more of a physical need, for him, than a special experience with one special woman.

You wrote: “he said he can’t stop having sex for that long and he wants to sleep with other people”-

How long is “that long”- let’s say you and him live in the same city, in a committed relationship, and you have to travel elsewhere for two weeks. Two weeks may seem “that long” for him, too long, maybe because of work stress, much boredom… two weeks may be too long, for him.

anita

Dear beginner25:

You are welcome. If it helps you to express your thoughts and feelings here, please continue to do so.

anita

Dear beginner25:

Did you ever go on a scary rollercoaster, where it goes up slowly and then all the way up, stops for a moment and before it goes down quickly everyone on it screams, and you scream too?

It is scary but people know they will survive the ride because they saw all the people coming out of the previous ride alive and well. And they know that thousands of people went on that ride before and survived.

Same here- thousands, millions of people before you were in love and got their heart broken in their very first relationship, their first in everything. And they survived. Many thousands of people are suffering from a broken heart as I type this. You are one. There are many others. And they will survive, so will you.

Think of times in your past when you felt emotional pain- you survived. Remind this to yourself and take deep, slow breaths as you remind yourself that you survived and will survive this. I think that it is important that you don’t wait for December, that you give up on him now. Waiting will make the pain last and last.

Can you give up on him, place him in your past, starting today?

anita