Home→Forums→Relationships→fell in love and got a broken heart for the first time
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April 27, 2018 at 5:32 am #204515
AnonymousGuestDear beginner25:
Your feelings are likely to catch on with your thoughts of meeting a better choice for a safe and loving relationship. Likely because it is in our nature, as humans, to hope for love.
Direct your hope for love toward where you may find it (not to where it is not, that is, your ex), and you are likely to find it.
anita
April 27, 2018 at 5:33 am #204517AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
April 27, 2018 at 4:24 pm #204601
beginner25ParticipantAnd can you tell me when is it going to happen? 3 months from now? am I gonna still love him even if I know our thing is over? sometimes there is this thought coming to me that we will be together again even though I know it’s not gonna happen, it’s like a feeling coming from me remembering the him from the past, I know it’s just my mind playing games on me because I know we won’t be together again and that I will find someone better, but when these thoughts come uninvited I get scared cos what if I can’t stop loving him? I want to feel nothing for him but there’s this feeling of attachment to the thought of him, it’s like he is supposed to be in my life, but I want him gone so I can be happy again.
April 28, 2018 at 6:40 am #204635AnonymousGuestDear beginner25:
“And can you tell me when it is going to happen? 3 months from now?… I want to feel nothing for him… I want him gone so I can be happy again”- this is you being impatient. You are scared (“cos what if I can’t stop loving him”) and you want to stop loving him fast! Today, right now!
You feel emotionally attached to him. It takes time for that attachment feeling to weaken and be gone. You can’t order it to be gone. If only feelings could be gone when told to be gone, why there wouldn’t be any emotional problems for anyone. Hurt- bet gone! Gone. Anger, be gone!
If only that was possible.
Can you aim at letting the concept of patience sink in a bit, take a slow deep breath, air in. Some problems in life can be resolved quickly and immediately, such as an itch that needs to be scratched or a broken machine that needs to be fixed, but feelings such what you are feeling, that takes time and patient.
Hurry it up, try to rush it and it will take longer than if you let it be and practice patience.
anita
April 30, 2018 at 5:43 am #204871beginner25ParticipantHi anita, i come with new questions, I still think about him everytime I’m not doing something or even if I am doing it, but as you said I need to be patient, but my friends tell me I should start going out and flirt with guys and kids them so I can forget faster, I know they are sad because it hurts me so much, specially my best friend that Is roommates with my ex, she told me she cried because he told her about bringing someone home, so she wants me to stop hurting too and get over him quickly, but I don’t know if I should start being kind of intimate with guys again, I want to find a new love and I’ve never been the kind to kiss around, but my friends say maybe it is the time to change that, what should I do?
April 30, 2018 at 6:05 am #204873AnonymousGuestDear beginner25:
I think that dating other guys is not a bad idea if you don’t get physically intimate with them during the initial phase of dating. If it is possible for you to get to know a guy, maybe a few, as friends (not being physically intimate with any), then it is an excellent idea.
After all, you need to get to know a guy, find out who he is and if the two of you are compatible, before getting physically intimate and before committing to a relationship.
Is it possible?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 7:47 am #204897beginner25Participanti’ve never been the type to have guy friends, i rarely talk to men as friends, I’m an outgoing person but I’m really awkward when it comes to dating men, most of them I don’t really find attractive or easy to talk to, I’d rather have a conversation with my coworkers make or female, than a conversation with a guy just to be friends or get to know them, if that makes sense. My ex boyfriend was friends with my best friend and he started chatting on Facebook with me, and I thought he was just being like all the other guys that just text you and then go away, but I let him in because he was a friend’s friend and I didn’t want to be rude, I guess I also was not treating him like a real friend and then we started texting and he told me he was interested in me, I didn’t consciously started talking to him thinking about dating. I’m not into chasing superficial relationships, I like to spend my time with people that give me something, that I can be myself with, that I’m going to really have in my life for a long time, I hate superficial conversations with strangers. Is it bad to be like that? should I start changing? I consider myself a social butterfly but I don’t spend time on meeting new people and maintaining those relationships.
April 30, 2018 at 7:59 am #204899AnonymousGuestDear beginner25:
I think I understand. In that case, no need to make guy friends for the purpose of having friends.
I think it is a good idea though that if you are considering having a relationship with a man then get to know him as a friend first. If that happened with the man this thread is about, if you got to know him as a friend first, you would have learned, I hope, that he is impulsive, that he is not willing to be monogamous if geographically away from a girlfriend. At that point, after knowing these things, then you could decide if to be his girlfriend.
If you got to know him first as a friend, you would have had the information you needed to make a wise choice and avoid getting “a broken heart for the first time” (in the title of your thread).
Does that make sense to you?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 8:08 am #204903beginner25Participantit makes sense, I knew he was this way but I still decided to be with him because he thought he could change, i should have just ended it when it was time to live in different cities, but I guess I was too innocent and I thought that things would work out even after knowing all of that. I don’t think I’ll be pursuing dating for now since I want to live in a different city next year and I don’t want this to happen again, I hope I’m not being to radical? I now this was a good experience to learn so many things about myself, still hurts though, I hope I don’t become scared of loving. Being friends before partners would definitely be something that I’m gonna do when the opportunity arises. So I guess this means it’s ok to still be like what im used to be? not really connecting with men unless it’s someone I can be friends with?
May 2, 2018 at 9:44 am #205251beginner25ParticipantIm still struggling with not thinking about him moving on with his life, I know he has the right as I do but it’s hard to know that moving on is gonna happen for both of us, hard and sad, I still don’t get how you feel so close to someone and then the feeling goes away or you have to make it go away and probably become strangers after being that close.
May 2, 2018 at 10:13 am #205257AnonymousGuestDear beginner25:
Somehow I missed your post of two days ago. I didn’t understand the question at the end of your post from that day. I am glad you decided that you will be friends with the next guy that you will be considering for a relationship, getting to know him (and make it possible for him to get to know you). Maybe you learned from this last experience, that for a person to change, it takes way more than the intent to change, way more.
I understand your wondering how can such loving feelings, like you had for this man, like what it appeared he had for you, how these feelings can go away, and how … unfair maybe, it is for you to be in this position, in the position to have to somehow let go of these feelings.
These feelings of love are so precious, so deep, so intense. There is so much hope in them, a hope for a good future, for a happily-ever-after living, that yes, I can see how it seems unfair. And I suppose it is unfair.
But it is reality, and reality, unfortunately, is often unfair. Wish it wasn’t like it. Don’t we all. And yet, here it is, reality. Now what do we do? Rebel against it, kicking and screaming, hoping it will be different?
anita
May 2, 2018 at 1:27 pm #205303beginner25ParticipantReality sucks, one of my friends its going through something similar right now, she had a ldr and the guy told her he doesn’t want to come back and told her he didn’t really think he loved her enough to do anything about their relationship, it hurts me that life is so cruel. I’m getting better at redirecting my thoughts about my ex but he is still there every time I’m not doing something, it’s really tiring to handle all the hurtful thoughts that come to me, I don’t see an end to it. And the first question was about it being ok for me not pursuing a new relationship or new experiences with other men because I’ve never been the kind to go out and kiss guys on parties or play around, I feel like if I start being like that now I wouldn’t be true to myself, besides I want my new relationship to be a serious one, I don’t like
May 3, 2018 at 3:57 am #205363AnonymousGuestDear beginer25:
Yes, reality often sucks. As to your question, being true to yourself is very important, so I recommend that you remain true to yourself and not act in ways that are not true to you, such as “kiss guys on parties or play around”.
We agree that reality sometimes or often sucks, is unpleasant, painful, undesirable. All you can do is to increase your chances of having better experiences in life. Can’t guarantee, only improve your chances by making wiser choices all along the way, daily.
We can’t choose what we think, can’t choose what we feel, but it is possible to choose what we do. Pay attention daily to what you do and choose more and more where before you acted automatically, out of habit. The more you practice choosing in small matters, the more skilled you will be at choosing in bigger matters, such as who to get involved with and who to not get involved with.
anita
May 5, 2018 at 7:30 am #205693beginner25ParticipantHi anita,
im having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my ex is going to keep existing in my life whether I like it or not, he is friends with my best friend and they are roommates too like I told you, it was a good thing before but now the thoughts of them having fun together without me makes me feel sad, like I could have been such a good thing for us to be all friends but now it hurts me, I know we won’t be together anymore because I promised myself that even if he comes looking for me in the future I won’t go back to him, I know he won’t look for me but if he does I won’t go back to him. I really wish he would just disappear from my life, even though I feel better it still hurts, it hurts me what it could have been if he was what I thought he was, I know the man I’m mourning never really existed, it was only in my head, but It still makes me sad. I wish i could see how far i still am from healing and letting go completely, cos I feel better but I feel I could hurt any minute, that any place, person, song, its gonna trigger my longing for him, and I don’t want to feel that anymore, I want to long for someone that loves me for real, that wants to be friends first and then falls for me. its frustrating not being able to stop feelings for him.
May 5, 2018 at 7:51 am #205695AnonymousGuestDear beginner25:
Is your best friend giving you information about your ex boyfriend: what he does, what he talks about, and so on?
How many roommates are in that apartment/ house?
anita
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