January 15, 2020 at 7:57 am #333579
Hello Tiny Buddha Community,
One of my friendships seems like it has hit the point of no return and I need some guidance through it. I appreciate all of your support in advance. *hugs*
One of my friends and I got in an argument on New Years Day that really sent our friendship into a place of darkness. He has now blocked me so that I cannot text or call him. This is really weighing on me and I really just want to share with someone else. I am currently working on not letting external circumstances affect how I feel, but I am not there yet.
On New Years Day, I expressed to my friend via text message that I wanted to disappear from the friendship because I felt like our communication was no longer meaningful. Looking back, I regret having said that I wanted to disappear, but that’s how I was feeling in the moment. I also know that this should not have been done via text message, but at this point, there is no going back. My friend responded ‘Why”‘ to my message and then asked me to explain everything to him and that he was going to listen and told me to please send him a picture of what I was doing in the moment. I was struggling to find the words on how to respond but he kept sending me more texts asking if I was still there. This somehow led me to believe that my friend thought I might harm myself since I used the word ‘disappear.’ I freaked out and told him that I hoped he wasn’t thinking that and then told him what I really meant. He told me he hadn’t thought that I was going to hurt myself and that I always made too many assumptions and that the way I saw life didn’t make sense and that he was ‘just a friend’ and that he didn’t understand how our communication was not meaningful. He then told me to never call or text him again and blocked me on his phone.
Needless to say, I was crushed by this and mulled over it for a couple of days before I messaged him on Whatsapp and apologized for the confusion and told him that he just hadn’t met my expectations of what I thought a friend should be, and that maybe I had been wrong for putting the expectations on him. Since he had already stated that he didn’t want to be called or texted, I thought he might have a bad reaction to my message, so I blocked him at the moment (which I let him know I was doing). I also told him that since him and I had suffered from clashes in the past, I wasn’t sure about this friendship. A day or so after, I unblocked him hoping to open up the doors of communication, but now I am blocked on both Whatsapp and his phone. Although I told him I wanted to disappear and wasn’t sure about the friendship, in my heart I was hoping for a dialogue/conversation between us and not a complete and utter blowup. I know this situation was not approached in the best way, and it has left me reeling.
I am embarrassed that I assumed that he thought I was going to hurt myself and I also regret saying that I wanted to disappear from the friendship. I feel like the way I phrased things came out all wrong.I know that if he doesn’t want to be spoken to I have to respect that and at this point it doesn’t matter anyway because I can’t reach him, but in my opinion I don’t understand how this got so out of control to the point where he felt like he needed to block me.
I do realize that this is GREAT opportunity to work on myself but unfortunately, I feel so consumed by this bad ending. I am so distracted that I am not even paying attention to the blessings around me and my friends that I still have. I don’t know why I am like this. Any words of wisdom are appreciated. I feel like I need lots of self-care. I do care about the friendship, but I want to get to a place where this is not weighing on me.
Best wishes to all!January 15, 2020 at 8:28 am #333595PeggyParticipant
It really sounds as if this situation has blown up because anger was involved. It must have hurt your friend when you said you wanted to disappear because you had stopped valuing the friendship. This is rejection. He then took action which hurt you and then you took further action which hurt him. As your communication links have been blocked it is difficult for you both to resurrect this friendship. I don’t know if you have any opportunities to socialize with him in a group setting but I really feel that you need to find a way to apologize for your behaviour. If this isn’t possible perhaps you could post a card through his door which simply says “Sorry”. You will then have taken responsibility for the part you played in the argument. Keep it simple.
The reason that this is weighing on you is because you are giving “the problem” your focus. If you aim at looking for a solution, you may find yourself becoming lighter again. It may be that you have to let this friendship go and give more attention to the friends that you do still have. You could learn from this incident and hold back from messaging people when you are angry.
You might also ask yourself whether it is true that you always make assumptions and whether or not you need to examine your viewpoint on life. Are his criticisms valid? Are these areas that you would want to change?
First and foremost, give yourself the care that you so desire by reminding yourself that you are loved and indulge yourself with your favourite treats.
I hope this helps.
PeggyJanuary 15, 2020 at 10:26 am #333615anitaParticipant
“I am currently working on not letting external circumstances affect how I feel, but I am not there yet”- no human is ever there, being able to not be affected by negative external circumstances. We are inherently born to be affected by and respond to external circumstances all through our waking hours.
To be less reactive to external circumstances, to not react impulsively and destructively to external circumstances, that is doable and possible.
New Years Day, you were angry at your friend because he didn’t say or do something that you wanted/ expected him to do. Next you texted him that you want to disappear from the friendship, so to create an alarm in him. You succeeded and he indeed was alarmed, messaging you questions, asking you to explain what you meant and pictures of yourself so to see that you are okay. You ignored his texts for a while, as his alarm increased and finally you talked to him. Next he blocked you, later you messaged him on WhatsApp, apologized and blocked him there, then unblocked him, then he blocked you.
“Although I told him I wanted to disappear .. in my heart I was hoping for a dialogue/ conversation between us and not a complete and utter blowup… I don’t understand how this got so out of control to the point where he felt like he needed to block me”-
– In your heart you were hoping for an honest dialogue, an honest conversation, correct? In your heart you did, but in practice you didn’t do your part in having an honest dialogue because you started the conversation that day with a threat, that you will disappear, leaving him to fill in the blanks, then you waited for him to get more alarmed, wondering why you are not responding. This didn’t create an honest dialogue- it was a dishonest manipulation on your part.
To have an honest conversation, you should have talked to him on the phone or in person (instead of texting), you should have told him specifically what you were unhappy with, or asked him what he meant when he said this or didn’t say that (whatever your anger was about). No threats, no accusations, just a conversation.
You wrote: “him and I had suffered from clashes in the past”, so New Year Day was not the first clash. Well, no wonder he blocked you. I don’t know about what he did wrong, but I can see what you did wrong.
Back to my first point: you can’t not care about what happens around you, but you can change dysfunctional behaviors so to increase the chances that good things happen around you. If you started with an honest dialogue with him that day, there was a greater chance that you and him would be having a healthy friendship at this point, or soon.
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 12:02 pm #333657
Thank you Peggy and Anita for your beautiful insight. *hugs*
I think I’m going to have to let this one go and focus on all the good areas of my life. I will take what I can learn from it, but I can’t change what I did/said and I really have no way to reach this friend. We don’t have the same social circle, live in different cities, and he might truly be sincere about never wanting to hear from me again. If he told me that, I feel as if I have no choice but to believe him. I figure he is the one who has me blocked and if he ever wants to talk it out, he can unblock me. I don’t want to beat myself up over it any more because the feeling is awful.January 15, 2020 at 12:27 pm #333665anitaParticipant
You are welcome.
“I will take what I can learn from it.. I don’t want to beat myself up over it”-
– yes, learn all you can from what happened and don’t beat yourself up. There is benefit for the former and no benefit at all to the latter.
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 1:17 pm #333689InkyParticipant
Timing is so important. Also how you do things.
Think of it this way. People view New Years Day as a time for new beginnings. A clean slate. So imagine his surprise when he got a text saying, “I want to disappear from this friendship because our conversations are not meaningful.”
He blocked you because for all he knows your New Years Resolution was to dump friendships that no longer serve you. How terrible! For all you know his resolution was to work on his friendships.
No wonder he blocked you! Then you communicate to him on WhatsApp and you block him before he blocks you.
Better to say these things in person or people will definitely take things the wrong way.
InkyJanuary 16, 2020 at 5:26 am #333831
You are so right. It was terrible timing and things really got out of hand. Since this is where I am now, I wonder if I should delete my friend’s number? It is disheartening to see his name in my phone and also see that I am blocked on Whataspp.January 16, 2020 at 5:32 am #333835
Any advice and tips on how to forgive myself for ruining the friendship?
*hugs*January 16, 2020 at 9:26 am #333857InkyParticipant
If you delete his number he can always call you, right? Maybe write it down and throw it in a drawer just in case.
This sounds crazy, but getting a reading or doing a workshop at a metaphysical center can help “clear” any unforgiveness you have for yourself.
Also, the fact that you told him that you essentially thought he was surface-y in the friendship MIGHT have been the wake up call he needed. Even if it was on New Years.
InkyJanuary 16, 2020 at 10:39 am #333877
Yes, if I delete his number, he can always call me. I don’t have him blocked or anything.
It’s funny that you mention a metaphysical workshop because I had the same thought myself! It’s also funny because even though all kinds of things were said and the blowup was pretty bad, I feel that we will somehow reconnect. There is so much going on right now-I have intensified my spiritual journey this year and I think this is all just a part of it! When my friend told me I make too many assumptions, I really took a step back and am currently examining some of his criticisms. Although he is/was surface-y, I had a strong feeling that if the friendship was conducted differently, we could help each other grow so much. I guess, despite the friendship going over the cliff, it is still helping me so much, and I do hope that he takes a step back and look at his own actions as well. Maybe we won’t be on our spiritual journeys together, but if somehow we were both a good catalyst for them, then what more can really be asked for.
Thank you so much for taking time out to comment on my post. It truly means so much to me. 🙂 🙂 🙂January 16, 2020 at 11:00 am #333883PeggyParticipant
Friendships come and go. They are transient. They are subject to circumstance and change. Your last post to Inky suggests that you have come to recognize this and, even though you may have had a parting of the ways, you can take nurture from this experience and friendship that at first glance seemed so negative.
I hope that you continue to grow with spiritual awareness and meet lots of like minded people who will encourage you in your pursuits.
Happy New Year.