Dear Poppyxo:

You asked how people see this situation. I just re-read a bit from your previous threads as well as reading your new thread. This is how I see this situation and I will get right to the point:

You are angry at your friend and have been angry at her for quite some time. The expressions of your anger are: “it’s not sitting well with me”, “which is fine. But”, “which again is understandable, but”. You wrote that you understand that there is some validity to her not coming to see you in the facts that she has a two year old and doesn’t drive, but… In that but I read: but I am pissed off she doesn’t take the bus to see me!

When you gave her “not one, but a few (cards), as a funny gesture back”-  I think it was anger that motivated you, not humor. In that gesture I hear something like: you complained that I don’t send you cards, well, HERE, have two, have three cards, satisfied???!

Here is another piece of anger: you wrote that she told you that she forgot to get you a card and you added “(she works in a card shop)”- underneath this funny piece in parenthesis is something like this: what a liar she is! She didn’t forget to get me a card, she works in a card shop! What a lying, lousy friend!

Later in your post you wrote: “I text her… (I made a bit of a joke…) she …asked if I’m not too angry, so I replied & said… I’m a bit sad.”

Again, you joke, using humor as a vehicle to your anger.

Notice in the above quote she didn’t ask you if you were angry, she knew that you were angry. She asked if you were too angry.

You acknowledged to her that you were sad, but didn’t acknowledge the anger because you feel comfortable with sadness but not with anger.

In the past you wrote that your  mother bottled in her anger until she exploded, do I remember correctly? I think that you decided to not be like her, so instead of raising your voice, saying abusive words to a person and such, you try to hurt them with jokes and humor.

You wrote in your previous thread that teasing or bantering, the words you used(the joking and humor I wrote about here) work well with your father and “with everyone else”-

well, it doesn’t. Aggression is aggression whether it is expressed in volume of voice, name calling, and so on or quietly, through humor.

anita

sorry didn’t submit correctly..

It reads to me like your friend is perhaps not as self aware as you so doesn’t realise the impact she is having or just gets busy and forgets from time to time-everyone does it.

I have learnt my lesson the hard way in this in that I have a good friend who ive known for 15 years and I made an effort to remember her birthday and christmas and send her a card and present each time and she never got me one back. I did this a few times as I felt it’s what you DO at those times, but actually felt resentment toward her she never returned the favour. The thing I have now learnt is that presents/cards etc aren’t something this friend buys many of eg only for her family as she is a little short of money and also doesn’t tend to be organised enough to remember birthdays etc so now I don’t do this anymore. I have recognised that we can still be friends without the cards /presents and understand that its just not on her radar and so have released my own expectations of her without ruining our friendship. I have other friends where we always make an effort on birthdays etc.

My advice about the cancelling meeting would either to be to let it slide one time and then if it happens again talk to her honestly about it or just say how you felt when she cancelled you and try and arrange another day. People have things come up in life all the time and she perhaps just forgot and double booked which is easily done.

I hope all goes well for you! 🙂

Dear Poppyxo:

In my last post to you I focused on your part in the relationship with this woman, the using humor as a vehicle for your anger. I think that learning to assert yourself honestly and directly, without the humor (in this context) will serve you way better. This focus does not mean the other party to the relationship is … the perfect one, not at all, I just didn’t refer to her part.

You suggested that she should meet you half way. Because she has a two year old and doesn’t have a car, I would say it may be reasonable to meet you a third way in, or a quarter: she has to expand some energy into the friendship, text you, for example, after you text her, within a reasonable amount of time and respect commitments already made, except for emergencies.

anita

Dear Poppyxo:

It definitely doesn’t work to have a one way friendship/ relationship. There has to be effort on both sides. Not necessarily 50-50, considering life circumstances, and there has to be mutual respect.

Regarding expressing your anger non-assertively, through humor, I do understand that you are comfortable doing so, that it makes you awkward to consider otherwise, but it is not effective. Often enough we don’t feel comfortable with what is effective, with what will operate for our benefit and for the benefit of our relationships.

Whatever we are used to be doing, whatever is our habit (good, bad or neutral), feels comfortable. And it feels awkward to change our habits.

anita

Dear Poppyxo:

If you want to explore it a bit further, I was wondering, when she made a fuss about you not giving her a Christmas card or any card, and in response you gave her a few as “a funny gesture”, wasn’t there some anger in your funny gesture?

anita

Dear Poppyxo:

Maybe, just maybe when she cancelled on you, she thought you wouldn’t get hurt because you are so playful and humorous and not serious. Maybe the other people she chose to meet instead were the serious type. What I am saying is that there are times to be serious. Even if you keep humor as your way of relating, got to be serious sometimes, assertive, clear.

anita