Advice?? The only thing I can think of is to actually talk with him. Spell it out. Tell him how much you care about him as a friend. Reminder him of all the times you were there to help him. Then tell him about your own needs. Ask him to seek therapy or find someone who can help him in the way he really needs. You being there is more like a co-dependent. Are you assisting him in staying this way instead of getting better? Over time, he has got to change and get better cause you can not be there forever. Being honest and caring with your words. Make sure he understands that this type of relationship can not last forever this way. It has to change and become better. It has to allow for you to grow and have a life just like he must change and grow and have a life.

Yeah, please don’t take my advice cause I do not give good advice. I see things differently.

Dear Sonia

It can be hard to get the balance right when being supportive to a needy friend.
Maybe you can get him involved with volunteering or a hobby with other people to give him an alternative outlet & or you could start to do those kind of things for yourself & then he would understand that you have less time for him.
Ultimately we want our friends to be happy & self-reliant.
Like every one else has said you are not responsible for your friends depression.
Once you put in place healthy boundaries you may start to enjoy being around him.
Kind regards
Roberta

Dear Sonia:

I’ll share with you what comes up for me as I read your short, original post. What I share is, of course, about me. Some of it may resonate with you, or not. But I figure my sharing can’t hurt you. And maybe, just maybe, it may help you just a bit

When I cared so much as you seem to care about helping another person, it was about me trying to prevent the other person from hurting AS MUCH as I did; it was about being there for the other person like no one was there for me.

It was about wanting to protect another person from what I had gone through.

I’ve been ignored for so long growing up and beyond, so alone and lonely, that here, in these forums. I am driven to respond to everyone, every single day, so that no one is left unanswered. I’ve done this for more than a decade.

Thing is. it’s MY drive. No one here in these forums has ever needed me anywhere close to how much I needed someone, anyone to HELP ME for too long.

So, in regard to your friend, about your fear or concern that he’ll get more depressed if you set boundaries/ distance yourself from him, I wonder 🤔 if he really needs you as much as you imagine him needing you

🤍`Anita

Hi Sonia

The only way through the darkness, is to go through it. Emotions can be painful, but they aren’t inherently dangerous. It is hard work, but you come out of it stronger. 🩵

Well done on setting boundaries even though it makes you anxious. 🩵

I hope you have a much lighter year ahead of you with less worries, more freedom and joy. 🩵

Greetings Sonia,

I’m only just learning about just how important REAL communication is about. Showing our most vulnerable side, even when it hurts to do so. Going the emotional distance even when we feel somewhat tired, learning to shrink our ego’s, the human beast.
Now, I read your post and walked in your shoes until only recently when I decided to end a very very long friendship. After years of evaluating the what’s the why and the if’s, I did look at my participation. Having realized my friend would brag for years that if it were not for me the friendship would not have survived, because I was the consistent and loyal one. I never quite evaluated her statement but understand now that perhaps I ran a marathon without a running partner.

My friend in her late 50’s is now starting a career. I am now thinking about a second career. I just thrown myself head in first for pure unadulterated, trusting and loving friendship. My friend did hurt me and humiliate me after a visit to her house about 7 years ago. She had stopped speaking to me for a few months, would not return my calls or my texted messages. I decided to show up at her house as I was very worried and after almost 30 years of friendship her husband said I was not welcome, as I stood on their front stoop in total shock, still not knowing what I had done, he caved and I was eventually invited in. She arrived home a few hours later and the rest went downhill from there.

My friend never apologized for insulting me in her home. She embarked on a career thereafter and I decided to extend the olive branch and assist her professionally in every aspect. I still did everything in my power to talk about the issue. She told me she was never going to apologize and worse had no clue why she had cut me off. Her behavior has really taken a toll on me, I crashed just last week.

The light at the end of this tunnel: Tiny Buddha always saves my sanity. Whenever I’m at my lowest I come here where the space is vast and endless, a place where I feel the possibility for love and joy are endless. Where I can find a community of people who may never ask me to diminish myself to make others feel worthy.

I do a lot of self introspection which brings about self awareness. If doing so means being the odd girl out, then I guess I’ll be on a solo journey.

Thanking all for listening and sharing.

Martha

Thank you Anita. Your kind words and support are appreciated.

I believe in emotional vulnerability, it impacts relationships in very healthy ways. I hope I’m not too off my center nowadays as if
finding my way back feels like searching for the pebbles. I figured the crash was necessary for me to confront my own issues of holding on for way too long. Although I am disdainful of my friend, and that too will pass it was important to completely end things. I am now free to move forward and forge new friendships.

Warmest,
Martha