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Friendship gone wrong

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated right now by Sonia.
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  • January 19, 2026 at 9:27 am #454314
    Sonia
    Participant

    I will try to be short.

    I have a best friend (male) from 3 years ago. He suffered a lot in life, mostly depressed,Anxious, problems in relationships his whole life, etc

    At first i tried to be there always, at any hour. When he was low, i was worried, trying to see how to help, what to do
    We did a lot of activities together with him (me and my boyfriend) , every weekend we were together. Etc

    Seems nice, what a friend would do, right?

    But i did wrong and in December i cracked because of all these worries for him. Any upset for him was a worry for me (people pleasing at it’s finest)

    It was enough…i want to change and i am on my way already.

    My worry is that he will see all the bad things thag he already has in his life and if i want to be more distant, he will go in depression because of me also and i will feel guilty and what should i do…these worries don’t let me take the healthy boundaries for me.

    Any advice is good…

    January 19, 2026 at 10:05 am #454320
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sonia:

    It makes sense that you care about your friend — you’ve been carrying his pain on your shoulders for a long time. But caring for someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. It’s okay to step back when the emotional load becomes too heavy.

    You’re not responsible for managing his depression or preventing his bad days. That’s his work, not yours. Wanting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning him — it means you’re finally taking care of yourself.

    A real friendship can survive healthy distance. And if he struggles, that doesn’t mean you caused it. You’re allowed to protect your own mental health.

    I wonder if you grew up, Sonia, with an anxious, depressed parent who suffered a lot?

    🤍 Anita

    January 19, 2026 at 11:00 am #454323
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Advice?? The only thing I can think of is to actually talk with him. Spell it out. Tell him how much you care about him as a friend. Reminder him of all the times you were there to help him. Then tell him about your own needs. Ask him to seek therapy or find someone who can help him in the way he really needs. You being there is more like a co-dependent. Are you assisting him in staying this way instead of getting better? Over time, he has got to change and get better cause you can not be there forever. Being honest and caring with your words. Make sure he understands that this type of relationship can not last forever this way. It has to change and become better. It has to allow for you to grow and have a life just like he must change and grow and have a life.

    Yeah, please don’t take my advice cause I do not give good advice. I see things differently.

    January 19, 2026 at 11:03 am #454324
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Sonia

    The difficulty with taking care of others is that they don’t develop the ability to take care of themselves. People need to be given the chance to fail.

    Your happiness is just as important as his. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself, just as it is his responsibility to take care of himself. 🩵

    You haven’t caused his issues, he had them long before he met you.

    If you do your best to take care of yourself, you can be a role model for him to do the same. A different kind of helping. A new chapter for you both. 🩵

    January 19, 2026 at 11:52 am #454327
    Sonia
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita!
    No, my childhood was really good but i am anxious as a kid mostly
    Now with people pleasing it just exploded 😅

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