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Getting back with an Ex

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This topic contains 46 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #272869

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi Everyone!

    My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in november. We broke up because we were not happy, (we were living together and have dated for almost 2 years).. He didn’t have a job, his self-esteem was taking a hit and he didn’t feel good enough. I wasn’t happy because i was not getting my needs met. We took some time apart and started talking again mid-december. Long story short, I met up with him and he flirted, touched me kissed me, took me out and did it all in public and then we had sex. I had sex not with the intent of getting back together, but just having fun and seeing where things could go.

    Between Christmas and New Year, he talked to me everyday, not all day but texts and messages here and there, some about his day, some flirty. It was great. New year, we both knew we would be going to the same party, so when i saw him he was flirty telling me i looked beautiful. At midnight, he didn’t kiss me so i asked him why not, and he said he didn’t want to in front of our one particular friend. He gave in and ended up kissing me anyways and everyone saw him flirting with me. We had sex again that night. After new years, his vibe changed. He texted a little less, still responded to my messages, sometimes initiating.. but yesterday I found out that he is also on a dating site. This threw me for a loop. I did not expect him to be on a dating site AND also flirting and texting me.

    While he is allowed to do whatever he wants, and we are not together, and he didn’t have to tell me about it,  i love his man deeply and i’m afraid to be without him. He messaged me last night, but I didn’t respond as I need sometime to think about things now that i know he’s on a dating site.

    I want to send him this text: I really like talking to you and spending time with you, and I feel confused and hurt when you are flirting with me and on a dating site, and I don’t want to feel confused. Don’t flirt with me if you’re flirting with other people, I only want to do “this” if you’re only ‘doing it’ with me. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I’m not interested in playing games, what are your intentions/feelings? I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. It feels like you need to take some time to figure things out, let me know when you do. My intention here isn’t to blame you or be upset, but it is to tell you what page I’m on; I enjoy talking to you, hearing about your life and the military things, doing stuff ? and I like you being a part of my life, it’s fun, you make me smile and laugh, and I need you to respect that I don’t want ‘something’ that isn’t exclusive, so if you’re looking to keep your options open, then I can’t be an option. ?

     

    Thoughts?

    I’m afraid to lose him, and I would love to get back together, but I don’t want to be with him if he’s sleeping and dating around. I want him to want to be with me. Some people have said that i should just be friends with him, and be there for him since you can’t ever really be “just friends” with an ex.. but i’m not sure about that.

    #272871

    grounded
    Participant

    Edit: He just texted me asking to see a movie this evening. Now i’m even more confused!

    #272875

    anita
    Participant

    Dear grounded:

    I suppose you will be out with him this evening, seeing a movie. You will then ask him about getting back together, into an exclusive bf/gf relationship, no dating sites?

    If you do, talk about how to make it work this time, what changes need to be made. Better learn from the past so to make the future better.

    anita

    #272885

    grounded
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    I’m not sure if I should go this evening, but I should definitely bring up my text anyways and memorize it and talk about it.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to respond

    #272889

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, grounded. I hope you post again with an update. I think you expressed your feelings well in that text.

    anita

    #273039

    Valora
    Participant

    Definitely talk to him about your concerns but do it in person rather than through text. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that serious conversations like that should be avoided through text because it’s hard to convey tone. At the very least, talk to him over the phone if you decide not to see him in person, but I think your concerns are valid otherwise. Does it say when he signed up for the site? Is it possible he did it shortly after you two broke up as sort of a rebound, “getting back out there,” type of thing or has he been active on it recently?

    #273045

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi Everyone

    I talked to him in person yesterday, he seemed receptive..

    He said he was on dating sites as a confidence booster, and looking for validation and that it’s fun meeting new people, but that it doesn’t really make him happy. It feels scary setting a boundary of exclusivity, since I want to be with him, but I don’t want to get hurt even more. He’s been active on it recently i think, and it makes me jealous. I want him to just want to be with me.

    Anyways, I expressed my concerns almost word for word in that text, not to give him an ultimatum, but to tell him that he has a choice and that i’ll be ok (eventually :p) regardless of what he picks, but I can’t be in his life if he wants to date other people too.

    He said he would sleep on it and think about it.. and let me know. Feels scary waiting for an answer!

    #273083

    anita
    Participant

    Dear grounded:

    I think you did a good job, being  honest and assertive with him. I hope to read an update from you soon.

    anita

    #273447

    grounded
    Participant

    Should I reach out to him if I don’t hear back? I have to accept an e-transfer from him this week and it gives me an opportunity to send a message to him as well, if I wanted to. Not sure If i should be telling him that he can take all the time he needs to figure it out, but to communicate and be open with me about where he’s at? or just a reminder of what I meant when I said those things? or just ask him what’s been going on for him the last couple days?  Or maybe silence is just best and let him (and hope that he does) come to me?

    or even just let him know that i’m here if he wants to talk about things /figure things out?

    or should i just block him, delete his number and move on as hard as that will be?

    (i’m not thinking clearly just feeling out my feelings).

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  grounded.
    #273473

    anita
    Participant

    Dear grounded:

    Best is for you to do nothing at this point. Give him the time to “sleep on it and think about it”. After all, it is not that you are in a hurry, in practical terms. You don’t have to say yes or no to another guy and have to hurry this one to make his decision.

    It is just the  anxiety that is rushing you.

    Try to relax. If you are unable to relax,  I guess blocking him will give you a temporary calm, so you don’t have to be  in a waiting mode anymore. But it will only be  temporary.

    If you can, accept the possibility that he says a No, so that you are not waiting so anxiously. Accept the possibility that he doesn’t get back to you at all. That will be his silent No.

    anita

    #273629

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for being supportive through this process. Do you think I should send a message like this one:

    New Years was so much fun, YOU made that happen, such a turn on when you show me you want to be with me. It seems silly for us to be apart when we live so close, and both have feelings. We could use the time to see eachother again, get to know eachother, flirt, play some squash and just have fun for a little while ? we dont’ have to tell anyone else yet, but being open and communicating with eachother about where we’re at is key, and i know you’re thinking about it so take the time you need. P.S. thanks for the king size bed experience ?

    Or still do nothing? I’m having a hard time NOT reaching out, and letting him know what i want and think, but that might be the best thing to do?

    Thanks,

    Anna

    #273633

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    No, I don’t think it is a good idea, it reads almost like begging him and I would like to think that.. you think that it is beneath you to beg, or plead.

    I understand that you feel a strong attachment to him, but I would like you to be stronger than that attachment and not  let it take over  you.

    Notice that you wrote in your original post: “We broke up because we were not happy.. He  didn’t have a job, his self esteem was taking  a hit… I wasn’t happy because  I was  not getting my needs met”- what is the point of.. pleading  for more of that?

    There is a saying, “the  heart wants what the heart  wants”.  The heart  always  wants  the same thing: to love and  be loved  in return. Sometimes we incorrectly think that  it must  be this one man and no other, even when it didn’t work out  in the past, even when it is unlikely to work  out again.  We hold on to the good memories and  forget  all the  bad memories. We don’t  think correctly,  we  don’t  remember correctly.

    Give   up on  him, stop waiting  for him, is my  suggestion. Aim at to-love-and-be-loved elsewhere. If love relationships  didn’t work  for  you in the past, before this man, and you are  losing hope, don’t despair. Learn  from the past and approach the future in different ways that  are  much more  likely to bring to you the love that you need. I will be glad to explore such ways with you if you are interested, when you are interested. Let me know.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #273641

    Mark
    Participant

    Anna,

    You said you were dating and living together for two years.  I wonder what have you learned about yourself when you had been with him?  What buttons did he push and how did you grow from that?  What did you get to know about your values that you did not know before?  What did you learn about loving yourself?  What did you learn about honesty and communication?

    Mark

    #273725

    Valora
    Participant

    Every fiber of your being might want to contact him right now and it might feel wrong if you don’t, but I still wouldn’t. I agree with what the others have said. You two really haven’t been broken up all that long, and you’d said you weren’t happy. Has anything really changed in that short amount of time? If the things that broke you up haven’t been fixed yet, they will eventually break you again, so it’s super, super important that you two have both fixed your issues first so that if you DO get back together, you won’t have the same problems.

    #276093

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I received a text from him on Thursday saying: “You were right about dating sites. stupid. deleted them all.”

    I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and i’m still healing, i’m still re-learning to love myself and trying to be happy on my own regardless which is challenging as i have been meh for a while and I have not responded to his message since he didn’t really address me or us. I still miss him every single day and living with this hope that he might come back is hard. I think about him often, but i’ve started asking myself what this is all teaching me and take it one day at a time. I appreciate your support, it’s nice to have somewhere to talk about this.

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