Dear Dan,

if the answer to my previous question is yes (that you did try to communicate but your wife refused), then the problem is mostly in her and her fear of emotional intimacy and vulnerability, I think. You did say that she fits the profile of dismissive avoidant attachment style (My wife is very independent and does have trouble communicating. She is more dismissive avoidant type).

You say she is independent – what do you mean by that? Usually people with avoidant attachment don’t like to ask others for help and believe they should do everything by themselves (they don’t like to rely on others). But you said that your wife was grateful for your help and acknowledged that you helped her a lot (I did a lot to help with anything and she knew that. She even said that she felt like she was using me as I was always willing to help). So it seems she wasn’t the type who would refuse physical/material help. Could you shed some light on what do you mean by her independence?

Dear Dan:

How to go about self-parenting: first, realize that you are already parenting yourself (the italicized in the following are acts of self-parenting, positive and negative): you are hungry=> you feed yourself, you are cold= you put on a sweater, you are tired=> you go to bed, you feel stressed=>you listen to relaxing music or watch TV, etc.

Second, realize that you can do a better job parenting yourself, ex.: you are hungry=> eat something nutritious, you feel stressed=>talk to an empathetic friend (instead of watching hours and hours of TV, abusing a drug, etc.).

Doing a better job parenting yourself takes paying attention and rethinking behaviors and habits, ex.: many people who feel stressed parent themselves by overeating, a whole cake in a sitting, let’s say. Imagine a real-life father, whenever he sees his son stressed and upset, he places cake in front of the boy, saying: eat, you will feel better!

Is that good parenting? Of course not. A good parent will sit with the child and gently inquire: what is bothering you, what happened in school today? A good parent will then listen empathetically and non-judgmentally, validate the boy’s experience, and that would make the boy feel that he is taken care of, that there is someone on his side, and so, the boy will feel better.

I would very much want to continue our conversation on self-parenting for as long as it takes. Please let me know what you think about this reply and we can keep talking, for as long as you would like.

anita

Dear Dan,

I loved anita’s explanation of what parenting and self-parenting is. Self-parenting really is feeding ourselves – giving ourselves nurturance – both physically and emotionally.

You said you were somewhat needy in the relationship, but you couldn’t pinpoint what your needs were. This is what you said about your neediness:

When I say needs I can’t really pinpoint what exactly.

About my neediness. I think I wanted more attention than I was getting. Much of my happiness came from her which isn’t healthy. I would try to please her while neglecting my own needs.

As for my needs. Again it’s hard for me to say exactly what. I would often want to go on a mini vacation as we really didn’t have a honeymoon and she wouldn’t want to go. I also feel closest with her through physical touch. At some point that wasn’t being reciprocated. I’m not just talking about sex but just any kind of physical affection.

You also said that a couple of months after the separation, you reunited for a while and were meeting in her house when the children were at their dad’s. It was very important for you to spend time alone with her, having physical intimacy (which was great – you said you had great sexual chemistry), enjoying a glass of wine (“we both enjoyed our drinks on the weekends together”), and simply spending a cozy time together.

This “idyll” lasted for about a month, and then she asked for some space again, and you gave her space. Your meetups haven’t resumed after that, since her daughter refused to go to her dad’s place for the weekends, and then her mother moved in again in June.

Based on everything you have written, I am thinking that perhaps your neediness is not so much emotional neediness. Maybe you don’t need a “mother”, as I have assumed earlier. But rather, I am thinking that maybe you need a companion who doesn’t have so many responsibilities with children and other people in her life, but can spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, going to trips, concerts, mini vacations etc. You need someone who is free (and care-free enough) to spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, and not burdened by all those responsibilities.

Things were great before covid, when she had the children for a week, and then she had a week off, when she was free to spend time with you. But covid ruined that and you found yourself in quite a different situation. And it got worse and worse, since her responsibilities grew – because for some reason the children didn’t want to go back to spending half of the time with their father any longer. Her mother also moved in and out, and then her father too.

And so she became a full-time mom and care-taker, burdened by all those responsibilities. Perhaps she even took on too many responsibilities and wasn’t setting proper boundaries, so it was worse than it should have been. Nevertheless, in this new situation, she felt she couldn’t give you what you need (she said “what you deserve”). Perhaps what she feels you need and deserve is a much less burdened wife who can spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, and give you much more attention than she presently can?

I am not saying that you are wrong for wanting a less burdened and more available wife and companion. It’s just that she at the moment cannot be it. Partially due to her life situation, partially maybe because she cannot set boundaries with her family, and so she becomes mother and care-taker exclusively, without any fun time for herself.

What do you think?

Dear Dan:

You are very welcome. I am listening to Alan Roberge right now. He is talking about attachment trauma and healing work, reiki and more: sounds good to me, thank you for the recommendation.

“I know I have childhood trauma that I have not really dealt with“- I don’t know a single person, in real life or online who did not suffer childhood trauma in one way or another. It’s the human condition; therefore,  you are not alone in this. We should help each other here in the forums with humility, as equals because (like the song says) we are people who need people.

anita

Dear Dan:

I feel privileged that you trusted me with this personal information, and I feel that in no way do I want to express anything but appreciation for you sharing it here. I don’t want to ask questions, to interrogate.. to analyze, nothing like that. Sexual abuse has been part of my experience too, unfortunately, and it has been part of the experience of many, boys and girls, men and women. I hope to read more from you and I am willing to share about my life experiences with you, childhood and onward. Post again anytime you feel like it, and whenever you do, I will kindly reply.

anita

Dear Dan:

I figured that if I re-read your posts, incorporating new information into the old, maybe I can offer you something new in regard to self-parenting. I re-read and it seems to me that a necessary part of self-parenting for you would be awakening dormant emotions, skillfully and as gently as it can be done- in the context of therapy and the practice of Trauma-informed Mindfulness.

You shared that you suffer from attachment trauma. psych central on the topic: “Attachment trauma is ‘a consistent disruption of physical and emotional safety in the family system. It is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you... Relationships can trigger your nervous system to go into fight, flight or freeze“-

– what this means to me, is that what happened inside you was that some of your very strong emotions took flight from your awareness and  froze.

“I was coming off of a bad 12 year relationship… our relationship wasn’t bad“- this is an example of what I mean when I say frozen emotions, or emotions that took flight from your awareness.

“We hold no ill will or bad feelings toward each other”, you wrote in regard to your ex-girlfriend of 12 years. “I have no resentment towards my brother we still talk”, you wrote in regard to your brother-  seems to me, again,  that bad feelings and resentment are frozen inside you and that you need them to awaken ... skillfully and gently.

“She has 2 kids from a previous relationship aged 10 and 14… I slept on the couch. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t sleep in my stepson’s room. I think it was because I didn’t want to as it’s his space… I was sexually abused..  by my brother…  once when I was about 8-9“-

– her son is close in age (particularly if he is the 10 year-old), to the age you were when sexually abused for the last time (if I understand correctly). Perhaps the reason you didn’t think about using his bed was that your frozen emotions in regard to the abuse you suffered thawed just a bit: so to keep you away from his bed, but not enough to make the reason known to you.

psych central : “Trauma-informed mindfulness is a mindfulness practice that’s adapted to the unique needs of trauma survivors. Traditional mindfulness practices assume that everyone has the capacity to engage in any mindfulness activity and also benefit from it. But a trauma-informed approach acknowledges that some aspects of mindfulness can be activating for trauma survivors… In meditation, we ask people to bring close, sustained attention to their inner world… This inevitably brings someone face-to-face with their trauma. That’s not automatically a bad thing, but unless someone has specific tools to work with the pain they encounter, they can end up overwhelmed in their meditation practice… Stillness can be activating for traumatized individuals, even worsening symptoms. Trauma-informed mindfulness works to avoid triggers and overwhelm, while also strengthening a person’s ability to face painful experiences…

“According to modern understandings of post-traumatic stress, memories and emotions from trauma are often stored in the body. Consequently, some people with a history of trauma tend to feel disconnected from their bodies — known as dissociation- as a defense mechanism… A trauma-informed approach to mindfulness works by modifying traditional meditation practices with grounding, anchoring, and self-regulation techniques to maintain balance in the nervous system, which can help traumatized people manage their symptoms and feel safer in their bodies… many therapists have found success in bringing mindfulness into their work with clients, particularly those who practice trauma-focused therapy (TFT) and  emotionally-focused therapy (EFTT)…

“Listening to our emotions is a form of mindfulness… This practice helps us to move through traumatic experiences with gentleness and compassion… Learning to tune into our whole experience allows us to show up with compassion and love for the part of us who has been feeling alone… This is transformational.”

*Emotionally focused therapy centers around relationships and attachment styles (sounds perfect for you, since you shared about reading about and watching videos about attachment trauma and attachment styles.

anita