Dear Dan

Sorry to hear that your life has not moved forward. I note that your birthday was difficult because your estranged wife did not reach out to you on that day.

What are you planning to do over the Xmas/New Year? as this is also an emotionally difficult for many especially the first one.

There are many groups like the Salvation Army etc. which do a communal lunch for anyone who is by themselves on that day and or volunteering can be a fulfilling & uplifting experience giving something back to your community fosters a sense of belonging.

Wish you all the best

Dear Dan,

yes I am feeling much better, can sleep again normally and all the other symptoms are gone too. I am grateful!

I wanted to send it for Christmas but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Maybe it would cause me more torment than anything.

Quite possibly, because you would again expect an answer, and if it doesn’t arrive, you would feel even worse. Perhaps again thinking how unlovable and unworthy you are, taking her silence as a proof that something is wrong with you. I’ve shared my thoughts about it on October 31, in regard to her not congratulating you your birthday. I said back then:

I can imagine it hurt, and I think not just because she didn’t bother to congratulate, but also because it “confirmed” again what your inner critic has been telling you: that you are unworthy and unlovable. You might have interpreted her lack of happy birthday text as another rejection, and perhaps not just a rejection of you as her romantic partner, but also rejection of you as a person. And it hurts bad… Am I right in thinking that?

If you see her every rejection, or every lack of response, as a proof that you’re bad and unworthy, it’s making things very hard for you. If you make her the sole judge of your worth and likeability, then you’ll feel bad about yourself for a long time. And if you make her the sole creator of your happiness, then I am afraid you’re bound to be unhappy for a long time.

Can you see that? You put your life, your future and your happiness in her hands. But what if she can never give you what you want – not because you’re not good enough, but because she is unable to? Because of her own limitations?

Let me remind you that even the last Christmas wasn’t a happy one for you, even though you were with her:

Our house got smaller and smaller with her and I both working from home. I would go to my moms place to get away as I knew my wife needed some space. Then Christmas hit and something didn’t feel right but I was kept in the dark.

She didn’t want to talk to you, she didn’t want to say what’s wrong, but you felt that something was wrong. And you said that this was her style – she wouldn’t want to talk to you when there was a problem. She would keep you in the dark, wondering “what have I done wrong?”. Maybe there is nothing wrong that you’ve done, or even if you have, in a healthy relationship people talk to each other and share their concerns. They don’t just give you the silent treatment (or the could shoulder) and then a week later tell you they want separation. This is not how things are done in a healthy relationship.

Dear Dan, you’re idealizing her and remembering only the times when she treated you nicely, and forgetting the times when she didn’t treat you so nicely. Please don’t tie your happiness and your self-worth to her.

I do have a couple of good friends but it’s still tough.

It’s tough because you want only her, and until you get her, you’ll be miserable. You’re focusing on what you don’t have and despairing about it, instead of focusing on what you do have. You still have good people in your life, you still have your health, you still have your brains, you have all the potential to be happy…. you just need to let go the false belief that only SHE is your salvation and your happiness. Because she isn’t. You are.

Dear Dan,

I am very sorry. You were hoping all this time that she might decide to get back together some time in the future, but unfortunately it wasn’t what she was thinking. She was planning to file for divorce, as soon as the law permits it.

I think it wasn’t fair that she didn’t let you know that she took you off of her health insurance – that you had to find it out in the pharmacy. I think it was sneaky. And then she used the opportunity to inform you she would be filing for divorce.

It seems to me that she is using the same tactics now as she used during your marriage: hiding things from you, not wanting to talk to you honestly, planning for separation while keeping you in the dark…. And now, taking you off her health insurance without letting you know, and finally, planning to file for divorce without mentioning anything.

It’s the same dishonest and sneaky tactics, Dan. It’s not how one would treat a friend (she claimed you were her best friend). I don’t know her reasons – maybe she is just so afraid to be honest and speak her truth, that she’d rather keep silent about it, and then do something “unexpected”, even shocking (such as announce that she wants a separation). But it was shocking only for you – because she was hiding her true feelings and intentions from you. It came as a shock because she wasn’t honest with you.

And she kept doing it after your separation too. After that brief reunion, she again started hiding her true feelings and intentions, and she simply stopped communicating with you. Already in September she took you off her health insurance, but never told you. And even in the recent texts she exchanged with you, which you said were cold and impersonal, she still didn’t mention that piece of information. It’s like whatever is unpleasant and might hurt the other person – she does it in a sneaky way, behind your back. But that in fact hurts even more than if she were honest about it.

I am saying this so you can see the reality of the situation. That she wasn’t such a wonderful and loving wife as you perceived her to be. Because a kind and loving person wouldn’t behave like that. They wouldn’t hide their true intentions and then suddenly “boom, I want a separation!”

I am not saying she did this on purpose to hurt you, but nevertheless that’s what her behavior is: hurtful. It would be to anyone, not just to you.

I lost it. I started bawling. I guess I should have expected this.

I understand why it was a shock for you. Because she never told you that it’s over between the two of you, and that she is planning to file for divorce. After your separation she was telling you that maybe when the kids get older, you might get back together. Then she even initiated a reunion. All those were positive signs for you, which gave you hope. It’s true that in the recent months she stopped communicating with you, she didn’t congratulate you your birthday, and her recent texts were cold and impersonal. But still, she never told you her plans. She wasn’t honest with you. And so, no wonder it was a shock for you.

I’m upset, devastated, sad.

I hope you can see that she wasn’t playing fair. She wasn’t honest with you, she was hiding things from you. She did it the way it was easier for her: keep a pretense as long as possible, and then a sudden cut. What kind of partnership is it? What kind of friendship?

I hope you can see that your loss isn’t such a huge one as you thought it was. That she wasn’t the dream woman, or your best friend. Neither did she consider your feelings in all of this.

I hope you can see the reality – which although painful is also sobering. And that this will allow you to shake it off and move on with more determination than before.

Dear Dan,

merry Christmas! How are you coping? I hope you’re not alone, but do have some supportive company to spend this time with…

Dear Dan,

glad you have family around and can spend time with them. Also that you can talk to your mother… is she supportive?

I am very glad that your suicidal thoughts didn’t last, and that you’re feeling a bit better now. Also, that you’re thinking about taking up martial arts again! I guess it’s a good way to build up not only your physical strength, but also mental power, i.e. the feeling of power in your own life. At least that’s what I associate martial arts with… perhaps it’s different for you?

If you have a full-time job, perhaps having a part-time job on the weekends would be too much? I mean it would leave you little time for resting and doing the things you enjoy. But if that part-time job is something you enjoy, then it seems like a good idea.

Yes, I had a pleasant and peaceful Christmas, and an extraordinarily warm one. Very far from white Christmas 🙂 Thank you for asking!