Dear Anita,

Thank you for you message, yes I arrived well and now getting used to living here again. It’s very nice here, sunny and bright!

However, I am a little surprised by the levels of anxiety I’m experiencing. These days Ive been very tense and I felt like I won’t be able to ”make it” ( as in to get a job, get things sorted ). It comes and goes. These days I’ve been invited by friends to all kinds of dinner parties and gatherings but I didn’t join any.. I felt like I wanted some time for myself to focus but didn’t quite manage.

Now I’m going to meet a friend for a walk and a chat. I’ll write a little later once I’m back home 🙂

Talk to you soon 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

Indeed, you are right!

I think that your anxiety is about you feeling not grown up, at 30 (“Growing up- becoming adult” is in the title of this Feb 2024 thread), not like an adult, but like a boy, alone in a new country. Children are afraid to be all alone by themselves; they are afraid that they can’t take care of themselves, as in “to get a job, get things sorted“. They need .. a grown up to get a job and sort things for them.

Part of you will need to be the grown up that the other part of you needs. Robi the adult has a scared, anxious child with him all the time, a child that needs care.

I feel this description is very accurate. Thank you 🙂

I wanted to write back here but yesterday I started the teaching job, only 3 hours on Monday and 3 hours on Wednesday for now – but still, It was a big challenge for me. Saturday and Sunday I felt quite anxious.. I would very often start crying. On Sunday I cried for a long, long time, talked to my girlfriend and went to sleep early.  It did help a lot, I think crying helped me a lot – I guess I’ve been bottling up a lot in the last months – a lot has happened. So on Monday I woke up a lot more relaxed, almost ”careless”. Although I was going to have an interview, I didn’t feel than anxious about it.. I felt quite relaxed. I felt as if something has lifted off my chest the day before. Maybe I needed to cry.. Maybe also talking to my girlfriend helped, but I feel ashamed to talk to her when I’m in a very low mood.. especially if I feel like crying. I don’t know.. maybe it’s the way we’ve been told masculinity is supposed to be like – you are not supposed to cry in front of your girlfriend, you have to be strong and stable. Well – I do it sometimes.. we both do.. we both cry when things get tough. I don’t mind her being vulnerable and I guess she doesn’t mind me being vulnerable either. We are both very sensitive human beings 🙂

Today, after yesterdays classes I feel okay.. I am a bit anxious and I feel a little like crying still.. I feel like I’m missing something. I do miss my girlfriend and I miss being with her, all though I didn’t like being in Poland. Also, I would have to learn how to structure my classes properly – which is something I don’t know how to do at all. The head teacher seems to trust me a lot giving me responsibilities I have no idea about so I feel like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. It’s quite hard.. I’ll have to learn on the go. But I want to try my best, maybe I can make it work. I don’t feel like teaching english is necessarily my kind of job.. but then again.. nothing seems to be. I think if I managed to plan my lessons well and follow the books, I might be able to do it, and it’s quite a flexible job so it might work for now, for my growth. I feel now, less anxious than before.. I feel like I can do it but I have to make sure I don’t procrastinate and put in the effort needed to plan my lessons. I think, If I do that, things might work quite well.  I have the habit of walking in the classroom with no plan at all ( because I procrastinate ), then panic because I have no plan at all and don’t know what to do. I end up improvising, doing all kinds of activities with no clear aim, avoiding teaching grammar and mostly making conversation. This is not only unprofessional but it’s also a major source of stress. I gotta work on this.

Today and tomorrow I want to focus on planning my Wednesday classes – this time I hope I’ll have the structure and make everything work better. I will have to learn on the go, but I think It’s the right thing to do right now.

As for the anxiety, I don’t know what to do. I’d like to deal with it and heal that wounded child in me. But what if I cry.. for a little bit, whenever I feel like it? Isn’t that a way of releasing some of the stress?

Have a good day Anita, take good care! 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

It’s been a while. I again kept wanting to write but I was either too short on time or too overwhelmed. I guess I’m not used to be this busy anymore. I hope all is good with you and you’ve enjoyed the Easter time 🙂 Mine wasn’t as relaxing and festive as I imagined it. I guess things are hardly ever the way we expect them to be. I’ve been living in Spain and working now for one month – 4 weeks of everything. The first week I’ve worked 8 hours instead of the expected 3, the second week I’ve worked 14, the third week I’ve worked 12 due to some holiday and last week I’ve only worked until Wednesday due to the Easter break. I’ve been on holiday since Wednesday and I’m going to be free until Sunday! Damn I felt like I needed it..

I’m now writing from a cafe in the centre of Warsaw – I came here on Friday to spend the Easter holidays with my girlfriend. What a fast month this has been.. such contrast being again back here. I feel like many things have changed and I’ve made a big step outside the circle I was used to. I feel like I’ve been pushed forward by the forces of the universe and everything related to Warsaw seems to have happened ages ago, although it has only been one month. This is great though! I stepped out of my comfort zone and again realised there isn’t much to be worried about. Actually, there’s nothing to be worried about. The only truly worrying situation was the one I was in – not taking action and not fully trusting myself. Almost sounds like a cliché – a bumper sticker I might one day stick to the bottom of my car.

I understand why I wouldn’t trust myself. I disconnected from myself a long time ago and I guess I’ve treated myself the same way I would treat someone who hasn’t returned my calls for years – also the same way I’ve treated my parents, I didn’t trust them either. I switched myself off in favour of a more ”environmental friendly” version –  a version that would adapt to his environment – to his parents, teachers friends etc. A version that carried me through my childhood, teens and 20’s. Now in my 30’s I see this version collapsing. Finally!

Now, there are a few issues. Growing is great! I feel empowered and I seem to deal with my work life a lot better than I did before! Having a job, a schedule and the opportunity to explain sh*t to other people is great! – because I get to learn a lot about social dynamics / working with different kinds of people from all walks of life. ( private school has mostly adults ) The thing is.. I don’t really like being an English teacher. I think I like teaching.. I like explaining sh*t to people – I just don’t like teaching English. It doesn’t really mean anything to me. After second week already the feeling of anxiety and impostor syndrome have been replaced by a feeling of selling myself too short. I feel like I’m working for peanuts. And for the most part, I guess that’s a very accurate way to describe my job. I gotta prepare the classes, know my sh*t well and manage groups of students who have different levels. All this leaves me very, very tired at the end of every class. I also have to fill in a lot of paperwork and do quite a few things in my free time. At the end of the month I’ve only managed to get half of what I would consider a decent salary. Okay.. I haven’t really worked the full month because they gradually gave more classes.. but still. It’s funny how I jumped from being so anxious to feeling undervalued. But I’m glad I did! Now, I’m not going to quit my job.. but I’m now thinking of better options. There’s something burning inside of me! There’s a part of me that keeps telling me I can do a lot better and I want to listen to my inner voice. I was so glad to have this 10 days holiday so I can zoom out and do some thinking. Today seems to be the first day I’m able to do that.. I’ve been on holiday for almost a week now.. I don’t really know what happened but after working those 4 weeks I’ve felt so tired every day and I couldn’t really connect to myself and focus on my usual introspections. My brain was filled with fog and I almost felt like I don’t have the cognitive capacity to achieve anything. By the way, I also feel like this before every full / new moon or some astrological events. I’m one of those who seems to react very deeply to what’s going on out there. But maybe let’s not dive into that.

Maybe I just needed a few days to rest. Could be because I’m not used to having a schedule / work with people etc. Could also be because I don’t like what I do and that takes a lot of my energy. Maybe it’s the moon. Or maybe all of the above. Either way, here I am now introspecting and writing it down. I needed this so much. I needed to zoom out but also zoom in.

Now I feel like I want to learn more about honouring my authentic self. Although I am very grateful for now having a job, for having moved on and for my newly expanded awareness, still, I feel like I need to expand more. I believe that every human being has its gifts. Some discover them at an early stage and grow in tune with their life purpose – very often not even knowing it. I am tempted to say I wish I was one of them.. but something in me doesn’t want me saying it. Some find out that their gifts lay exactly where their wounds are. I sometimes feel like this speaks to me. I haven’t yet found my own way of expression – my voice, my fingerprint / the way I show up in the world.

Luckily,  I know a few things:

1) Giving my energy to places and people that don’t resonate with me is no good – that just doesn’t feel right.

2) I want to have my own way of doing things. I want to serve others in my own authentic way and I don’t want to work for anyone else’s dream. I want to find mine. I’ve recently heard someone say: ” In modern society the opposite of courage isn’t cowardness, but conformity ”. – this really resonated with me. I guess I’m that kind of guy.. who doesn’t want to join the masses – I don’t feel like having some meaningless job in the corporate world chasing a newer BMW every 2 years while going bald and visiting a chiropractor every week. You know what I mean..

I feel like I need to keep growing and trusting my path and now, more than ever I feel like I have absolutely NO REASON not to. I want to learn how to better hear my inner voice and how to better focus on the things that matter right now. I want to work on my daily practice and discipline and I want to learn how to use my energy authentically. I want to be again in tune with my inner child and with the desire and vision I know I once had.

It’s funny.. because I’ve been gradually doing all those things already for quite some time – and I see the change and the great results. But I keep asking myself.. What if I become good at it? 🙂

Anita, I got a little carried away.. again. I hope my post isn’t too long for you to read. It surely feels good writing it down 🙂 I now have more clarity and I both zoomed in and zoomed out.

Thank you so much for giving me this space!

Sending you a big hug >:D<

Robi