Home→Forums→Tough Times→growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma
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anita.
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July 19, 2024 at 1:25 pm #435150
anitaParticipantHow are you, Robi?
anita
August 17, 2024 at 11:49 am #436312
Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
Damn its been a while! All is good. I took some time off from many things and spend some time with myself in the nature. For the last 3 weeks I’ve been on my own here taking care of my parents cat and house while they are on holiday. Still have a few weeks to go until they are back. I’ve been working on myself a little, getting more serious with my routines ( breathwork, meditation, reading). In the mean time I’ve sent applications almost every day, had a couple of interviews and now waiting to see if any of them will lead to a job in Warsaw. I think, the first week of September I will be able to start a new job there but I still don’t have any confirmation.
There is some confusion towards what I’d like to do in the future ( which I think its a great thing ) but right now I don’t seem to have yet the clarity to act on it. I’m considering in the future living here, with my girlfriend and doing something closer to nature ( farming, yoga / sports retreat ). I feel a big part of me wants to stay here, the nature here really speaks to me and I find it hard to see myself living in a corporate capital city ( Warsaw ). So, although I might start in September I still don’t know how to go about it. Sure, staying here living with my parents doesn’t serve me well. Maybe going to Warsaw to work, even for a while ( until we clarify what we want to do and how we want to do it ) is still a better option. Will see, but will need to decide soon.
I still need to go a little deeper and feel the nature of my attachment to this place. I wouldn’t want to fall into a trap, into my old comfort zone, although I feel like I’ve grown a little and this time I feel a lot more clarity in the way I feel.
I’ll write again one of the next days, my girlfriend has been here too for a while and these are her last days here so a lot is being discussed 🙂
I hope you too are doing well!
Take care,
Robi
August 17, 2024 at 11:52 am #436313anitaParticipantDear Robi: Good to get and read a bit of your message. I am just about to be away from the computer, will read and reply in about 20 hours from now.
anita
August 18, 2024 at 6:43 pm #436346anitaParticipantDear Robi: too tired to read and reply this evening. Tomorrow!
anita
August 19, 2024 at 11:29 am #436372anitaParticipantDear Robi:
It’s a good thing that you are on your own while your parents are on holiday, isn’t it.
“I’ve been working on myself a little, getting more serious with my routines (breathwork, meditation, reading)“- excellent!
“I’ve sent applications almost every day, had a couple of interviews and now waiting to see if any of them will lead to a job in Warsaw. I think, the first week of September I will be able to start a new job there but I still don’t have any confirmation“- you’ve definitely been consistent in your search for work in Warsaw. I hope that you will soon get a confirmation regarding the new job possibility.
“my girlfriend has been here too for a while and these are her last days here so a lot is being discussed“- again, excellent that you and your girlfriend have been visiting and communicating!
“There is some confusion towards what I’d like to do in the future… I’m considering in the future living here, with my girlfriend and doing something closer to nature (farming, yoga / sports retreat ). I feel a big part of me wants to stay here, the nature here really speaks to me and I find it hard to see myself living in a corporate capital city (Warsaw)“- reads like a good plan to me: to live and work close to nature with your girlfriend. I imagine this was discussed between the two of you: is there any kind of meeting-of-the-minds-and-heart in this regard?
I am doing well🙂, thank you. Good to read your update!
anita
August 27, 2024 at 1:07 am #436642Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
Writing from a cafe, on a rainy day, from my home town. My parents came back from their holiday yesterday and technically I’m supposed to leave soon. I’ve got an interview today and another one tomorrow. There are 2 job opportunities in Warsaw I could take. One pays less and seems easier and the other one involves me in more ways ( I’d have to manage some teams of people so there’s some team leadery stuff involved ). Of course, money wise the second one makes more sense but neither of these jobs represent something I’d like to do.. so taking the easier one and not burn too much energy on it makes more sense. I say this because, I feel its time I did something meaningful – something I enjoyed doing. So I gotta focus on building something of my own in my spare time 🙂
Being on my own for a while, while spending time in nature served me well. I feel I gained a new perspective, I feel I’ve started dissolving some of the old programs. I feel like some of my copping mechanisms have become dull and uninteresting and they don’t really hit the spot anymore. Perhaps the spot is healing! I’ve certainly become more present and more grounded – Wim Hof’s breath-work and cold exposure techniques have been part of my daily regimen for about a month now. I highly recommend!
Also, there are new ideas. Living in Transylvania, close to nature and producing something of good value makes a lot of sense. What I mean by good value is still hard to put in one word but – something organic, of good quality, serving good purpose, improving overall health in the community. Could be a farm, an organic shop, a retreat for yoga, workouts etc.
Now, I hope during the next months in Warsaw, while working on some mambo-jumbo projects for the corporate system I detest so much, some escape route will show up. An escape route towards the meaningful project I was talking about. I hope I’m not being too naive to think while doing ”mambo-jumbo for the evil forces” I’ll still have energy left to work on my meaningful project. But I sincerely hope so! There some are things I need to figure out.
All in all, I think I’m well headed towards the next step, let’s see how things unfold 🙂
How about you? How’s things?
Take care,
Robi
August 27, 2024 at 1:41 pm #436673anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Good to read your positive update, you do sound grounded! I want to reply further when I feel more grounded (I am tired now), so I’ll be back to your thread Wed morning (late Tues afternoon in beautiful Transylvania)!
anita
August 28, 2024 at 10:22 am #436710anitaParticipantDear Robi:
“There are 2 job opportunities in Warsaw I could take. One pays less and seems easier… neither of these jobs represent something I’d like to do.. so taking the easier one and not burn too much energy on it makes more sense“- yes, it makes more sense in my mind too.
“Living in Transylvania, close to nature and producing… something organic, of good quality, serving good purpose, improving overall health in the community. Could be a farm, an organic shop, a retreat for yoga, workouts etc.(instead of)… working on some mambo-jumbo projects for the corporate system I detest so much“- all of this reads like a good plan, fitting what you value!
“I feel I gained a new perspective, I feel I’ve started dissolving some of the old programs… I’ve certainly become more present and more grounded…“- a pleasure to read all this 🙂, and thank you for the recommendation!
“All in all, I think I’m well headed towards the next step, let’s see how things unfold“- how exciting to read about the changes in your mind, heart and life, Robi!
“How about you? How’s things?“- similarly to you, I like nature and I value serving good purpose, and improving overall health in the community, not the greed that runs the corporate system. I live outside the city limit, very much surrounded by nature and wildlife. I like where I live so much that I am not at all tempted to visit anywhere else. This is where I want to be every day!
Thank you for this update, looking forward to your next, when you feel like updating me again!
anita
September 3, 2024 at 1:39 am #436987Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
I could use a piece of advice. These last days I’ve been really struggling to make up my mind and I find it very difficult and stressful. I feel burned out by my own thoughts and the more I think, the more paralyzed I feel.
So far, this year has been a tough one. It started with a big argument with my parents, then struggled to find work in Warsaw, decided to go to Spain and start teaching, only to come back to Warsaw after 3 months. After spending 2 weeks there, I realised my girlfriend’s mother isn’t very keen on me being there so I decided to go back to Romania. The plan was to apply for jobs in Warsaw and come back once I have some work opportunities. Her mother wasn’t keen on me being there without a job, also not knowing for how long I’m staying. Well.. I didn’t really know that myself. Anyway.. so I came to Romania at the end of July and started applying for jobs. Well its been more than 2 months now and there are some opportunities. I thought it was going to take me less time but maybe the holiday season had something to do with that. Towards the end of August my phone started ringing.
Now… in the mean time I’ve had some time to think of things and of course, the topic of doing something meaningful kept arising. At the beginning of this year I wanted to do a course and become a personal trainer in Romania. I wanted to do it in Romania because I couldn’t do it in Poland ( they don’t have any courses in English ) so it made sense to do it here. I didn’t do it then. Those arguments with my parents put me on the first plane back to Warsaw. That was, my plan for this year… but then ended up in Spain teaching English, having headaches, feeling disconnected, going back to Warsaw, not quite having a place to live, not quite knowing what to do, then coming here.
While I was taking a walk in the nature with my girlfriend, the topic of my future job came up and both of us realised that, maybe I could still do that course I didn’t do at the beginning of this year. Being a certified trainer could find me a job in a gym in Warsaw or anywhere else and this way I would do something that matters ( to me at least ), something that improves the quality of life of my community, something healthy and also something I’m good at. My girlfriend encouraged me to do the course, then and now. She things that job would fit me a lot better than any corporate job. Indeed, when thinking of working these corporate jobs I feel like I would again take a de-tour. I would do some mambo-jumbo, until something happens and I again, stop. I do feel that, sooner or later I will probably come back to that course anyway.
Now, it gets even more complicated. My parents offered to pay for my trainer course, then in January and now. The are questioning the validity of the course and they are not convinced it would help me get any work. But then again, they come from a different generation and they think going back to University is the way to go. Anything less than that must be bullshit. They think, in order to get a job as a trainer you need to go to Uni. However, they are willing to pay for my course if I decided I wanted to do it. Of course, part of me wants to do it. Taking a corporate job makes no sense at all… but then again, it would make sense to become financially independent from my parents and go live with my girlfriend.
I am faced with a very tough choice to make. Do I take the corporate job, do something that’s against my values, but get my financial independence and live with my girlfriend? or Do I stay here couple of months longer and do the trainer course and after that go to Warsaw and find a job. ( which could still be a corporate job, but having the course might get me a job in a gym ). If I don’t have the course I will have no other option.
If I go there, I’d be ( for a while ) doing something I don’t like in order to afford standing on my own feet, living with my girlfriend. This scares me a little, because every time I worked something I didn’t like, I suffered very deeply. The teaching job is a good example. The online job I previously had, which I enjoyed a lot, is also a good example of a time when I felt more balanced.
If I stay here longer and I do the course, I won’t be financially independent ( for a while longer ) but I would gain a new qualification that could open some new doors for me. It could also be the case that I won’t find work as a trainer and I would still need to do the corporate stuff. ( until I do..) The problem with this is that I don’t feel good about prolonging my dependency on my parents financial support. Also I would be away from my girlfriend for longer.
These last weeks I kept talking about it to my girlfriend… and our conversations had been mainly on these topics. Not good if you ask me.. too much analysis of my complex situation and not much couple talk left. But you know, I have this ”problem” – I seem to disconnect emotionally from her once she’s gone.. I seem to protect myself from missing her and being close to her over the phone. She is also very stressed, she misses me and she doesn’t know when we’ll be seeing each other again. However, she doesn’t try to manipulate my decisions in any way. She encourages me to do as a I feel its best. She encourages me to do the course, because she knows that would serve me better than the corporate jobs. She also encourages me to take any job in order to gain my financial independence. Fair enough. I’m glad she’s being so supportive.
But it’s such a hard decision to make. I already feel burned out after writing all this. I feel foggy and paralysed. Feels wrong to again, do work that doesn’t align with my values… only to give up later because of stress. ( at least that has been the case before ). I do realise that I might need to work on myself. Maybe being so stressed, not being able to hold on to a job challenges something in me that isn’t ready or yet healed. Okay, that might be the case. Also, being a highly sensitive person I might have a healthy reaction to jobs that don’t align with my values. This could also be the case.
Now.. there are many people that work jobs they don’t like. Actually most people – according to many studies. The reason for that very often is their need to be independent ( that would be my guess ). Maybe they don’t have much of a choice. Or maybe they have an ”escape” plan and they will later on follow their dream. Some are maybe afraid of expressing their true values and choose to follow instructions. What do I know?
There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world. I feel it very often and I’m trying to accept it. Very often I judge the world for being ”fucked up”, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature, letting themselves be manipulated, get fat, eat sh*t food and believe whatever they hear on television. Some of that might be true. I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me. That I judge people who do corporate jobs without understanding their reasons, without knowing anything about them. I guess some of that might be also true.
One things is obvious to me. Something in me is transforming. I’d like to believe for the best. I can’t go on like this… this makes no sense to me. Something needs to change and maybe it is changing right now. It’s always darkest before dawn.
Okay, I’m properly burned out now, I gotta take a walk and ground myself a little.
I could really use your support… I don’t know what to do. I wrote here as I feel and I tried to be as objective as I can. I tried not to let myself be too naive and see both options with their positives and negatives.
Thank you for reading, I really appreciate your insights 🙂
Take good care,
Robi
September 3, 2024 at 9:08 am #437004anitaParticipantDear Robi:
“I am faced with a very tough choice to make. Do I take the corporate job, do something that’s against my values, but get my financial independence and live with my girlfriend? or Do I stay here couple of months longer and do the trainer course and after that go to Warsaw and find a job (which could still be a corporate job, but having the course might get me a job in a gym)… She (your girlfriend) encourages me to do as a I feel its best… There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world… Very often I judge the world for being ‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature, letting themselves be manipulated… Some of that might be true. I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me. That I judge people who do corporate jobs without understanding their reasons, without knowing anything about them. I guess some of that might be also true“-
– It is true that the world is f***** up in so many ways. It is true that there is a lot of hostility in the world: within a family, between families, and between ethnic groups and nations.
It is also true that a person cannot be mentally-emotionally healthy and functional when the person sees nothing but hostility, and/ or when a person has little to no esteem for most people.
To be healthy and functional, a person- while acknowledging the wrong and bad in the world- has to focus, not on what is wrong and bad, but on what is right and good in the world, humanity included. To be a good person is to add to what is right and good.
Whenever possible and appropriate, shift judgment of people => empathy for people, including for yourself.
As far as the greedy corporate world: unless you live in the woods, off the grid, you are part of the corporate world, and you support it as a consumer. It is only a matter of how much any of us (who is not living off the grid) supports big corporations, not if we do.
If you consider a corporate job in Warsaw, look for its negatives: how is it harming people? And look at its positives: how is it helping people?
As far as working as a personal trainer in a gym, if you keep your focus on humanity as hostile, unaware, etc., it’d be just a matter of time before you locate- and focus- on the “unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature“.
* Your girlfriend reads like a good, loving person to you, for you. Do you judge her too sometimes as unaware, blind, etc.?
anita
September 3, 2024 at 11:05 am #437011Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita, thank you so much for your response!
I’d like to clarify a couple of things. It might seem I always see the world as being f*cked up, people for being blind, manipulated etc. but I don’t. I very often also see the good in the world, and I do focus on the positives. I know there are many good people out there, ”brainwashed” or not, corporate or not, after all no one is really bad. Everyone has good. Everyone is good – but often imbalances make us do crazy things. I often have compassion and understanding that there’s a lot of disconnection and pain in many of us. Sometimes I don’t see that at all…
I like what you said above and it resonates with me. As for being part of the corporate system, indeed.. its nearly impossible not to be part of it some way or another. But directly working for a corporation ( to me ) feels like a step further than buying an Iphone or scrolling Facebook. Now, there’s no secret – in my case it would be helping them understand consumer behaviour on different markets so they can sell more, so they can manipulate better. Not sure there’s that much of a positive side directly impacting the customer… unless they don’t mind their decisions being manipulated by very smart marketing. I don’t know.. maybe its a good thing and most people would be happy to see on their Facebook timeline the exact product they were dreaming of last night. I honestly don’t know!
When it comes to my girlfriend, I don’t judge her as unaware, blind etc. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I consider her to be highly aware and inspiring. She reads between the lines and she sees things for what they are. She’s well connected to her intuition and has found a healthy way to function within the system – depending on it as little as possible. I like that about her a lot.
I do judge her sometimes when it comes to her relationship with her mother. I often thing she hasn’t really ”cut the cord” from her mother – and maybe that’s okay. Maybe the scenario of – living with your parent, spending all free time together at home but then talking some more on the phone while going to work – looks a little too much? Again, I honestly don’t know. If I lived like that, I’d be called a ”mommy’s boy” by most people. At least that’s what a friend of mine said to me when I told her about my girlfriend’s relationship with her mother.
What do you think? 🙂
Robi
September 3, 2024 at 12:10 pm #437013anitaParticipantDear Robi:
You are welcome. I will reply further Wed morning (It’s Tues, early afternoon here), but for now: “I’d like to clarify a couple of things. It might seem I always see the world as being f*cked up… after all no one is really bad… Everyone is good“- wait, everyone is good? No one is really bad.. people are not really bad when their actions are really bad?
anita
September 4, 2024 at 3:35 am #437019Robi1992Participantwait, everyone is good? No one is really bad.. people are not really bad when their actions are really bad?
Well, no. Of course not.. its a miss-understanding. Indeed people whose actions are bad are .. well bad.
September 4, 2024 at 11:24 am #437030anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Another walk down memory lane: this may be distressing for you to read, particularly later in this reply. (I am using the boldface feature selectively in the following quotes):
Romania, June 10, 2018: “I was very attached to them as child (very young barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less… Most of the times it felt like I hate them and I considered them losers… they used to keep me with them at their workplace… for 6..7 hours every day after finishing school… I guess I hated them for that. I also hated them for not having my own room… They used to also come in whenever… I never had my own space… I also hated them for that.. I felt controlled… a big part of my childhood trapped in their workplace… Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm.. Pretty much like… now”.
Romania, Dec 7, 2018: “I left the big city I was living in, left the job at the restaurant which I kept for one month.. and moved back with my parents in order to save some money and go to Germany.… the plan was to be in Germany by October.. but I didn’t work out. So I ended up being kind of stuck here living with my parents again… My parents really seem to be … boring and bored… I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life”.
Spain, March 4, 2019: “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense… I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there… I start caring for my parents more and more since I am here… they keep telling me they will help me until I find my way, so I should give it time and do my best to find a good job. It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot. So.. I have been here for one month now”.
“Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED. I MEAN.. FOR F***’S SAKE !!! I FOUND SOMETHING THAT COULD BE REALLY GOOD AND NOT THAT HARD BUT I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?” (Spain, March 4, 2019)
Poland, Oct 2, 2022: “I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on.. So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed”.
Poland, Jan 29, 2023: “lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship… I often feel like I get bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be… I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her.. I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance”.
Poland, Feb 1, 2023: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother? It has to have something to do with my parents/ childhood/ that apartment where we lived… She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like: oh, she’s here again… I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“.
Feb 18-20, 2024: “My mother used to hit me whenever she would find out about my bad grades. A few times, I remember being brutally hit with a belt. Often after hitting me she would cry and apologise. She lost it quite a few times like that… As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy… bitter, angry, chronically stressed… unpredictable, impulsive‘.. Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body, but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help“.
Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“.
Spain, May 3, 2024: “I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore”.
Spain, May 19, 2024: “They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago… They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me. I see they are suffering on a daily basis… Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on… Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them… I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family“.
Poland, June 11, 2024: “here I am now, not having a f*cking clue about anything anymore. I feel ashamed of my stupidity.. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore… I don’t quite see the bigger picture”.
Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better. Maybe breaking the ice at the beginning of this year, telling them how they’ve wronged me removed some barriers… I also managed to reconnect with my cousins which I almost forgot about. Turns out they didn’t”.
Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world… Very often I judge the world for being ‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature… I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me… I often have compassion and understanding that there’s a lot of disconnection and pain in many of us… As for being part of the corporate system, indeed.. its nearly impossible not to be part of it some way or another. But directly working for a corporation (to me) feels like a step further than buying an iPhone… When it comes to my girlfriend… I do judge her sometimes when it comes to her relationship with her mother. I often think she hasn’t really ‘cut the cord’ from her mother… spending all free time together at home but then talking some more on the phone while going to work – looks a little too much? Again, I honestly don’t know. If I lived like that, I’d be called a ”mommy’s boy” by most people… What do you think?”-
– I think that whether you work for a (big) corporation or not is a minor issue. I think that the major issue is that (prepare for what follows…) at heart and mind, you are a mommy’s boy, and growing up- becoming adult (from the title of your current thread) means abandoning your mother who is (still) in pain. I think that you’ve been angry at her for so long, that often you forget that you’ve loved her for so long. You love and hate her.
I think that you see the world as you’ve seen your mother and father: “‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected.. hostile… against me… boring“.
Your mother’s particular combo of some-kind-of love, apathy and hostility confused you and created an anxious-ambivalent attachment style toward her, and, fast forward, toward your current girlfriend: “Anxious attachment results when your caregivers are not consistent in their responsiveness and availability with you, leading to feelings of confusion, distrust, anxiety, and ambivalence. People raised this way may desire closeness to their caretakers and distance themselves from them… People who experience anxious ambivalent attachment have an increased risk of experiencing mental health difficulties like depression, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation” (very well mind).
I think that you felt trapped growing up: trapped in your parents’ workplace, trapped in the storage room, and as an adult, you are trapped in your love for your suffering mother: not wanting to leave her by adulting, on one hand, and on the other hand, (still, as always) not being able to reach her, to connect with her, and to help her.
I think that your girlfriend’s mother triggered your hate for your mother, that you projected your mother into your girlfriend’s mother. Maybe you are jealous of the connection and consistent, trustworthy closeness between your girlfriend and her mother, something you have never experienced with your mother.
I think that you haven’t been motivated to work at any job and adulting otherwise because you are stuck being a boy who loves (and hates) his mother.
anita
September 5, 2024 at 9:17 am #437052anitaParticipantDear Robi:
I want to add to yesterday’s post: “I was very attached to them as child (very young barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less… I hated them“- liking them less and less, even hating them, does not mean that your strong attachment to them was- or is- gone. It means that layers of dislike and strong anger were added to the strong attachment, a complex emotional state to have.
(Written in Spain): “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense…I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there”-
– the boldfaced is evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents. What I didn’t boldface is your confusion because of.. the confusing added dislike and anger to the attachment.
Dislike and anger do not undo emotional attachment. I was very attached to my mother for decades while disliking her and angry at her.
(Still in Spain): “It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot“- the boldfaced is more evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents.
(In Spain): “Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED… I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?“- maybe because you missed home, wanting to be with your parents (a strong emotional attachment).
In Poland: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother?… I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like: oh, she’s here again… I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“- this is how you felt from one point on, growing up with your mother: angry, chronically angry, trapped and angry, not wanting her around while still needing (a different version of) her.
Imagine an angry boy, an angry teenage Robi, waiting.. waiting for his real mother (a loving version of the mother you had) to replace the mother he didn’t like, the one he wanted gone. Imagine that boy still within you, waiting.
Imagine a boy who refuses growing up- becoming adult before he finally gets his real mother, so that he can finally have the free, un-trapped childhood he never had.
Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“- I think that the real, lasting New Beginning for you would be to grieve the mother you didn’t have, the father you didn’t have, and the childhood you didn’t have. So, to start a new chapter in the book telling your story, instead of waiting for the old chapter to be re-written.
Spain, May 19, 2024: “I still think we can be a family“, Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better“- this is the boy Robi hoping and waiting for the old chapter to be re-written (an impossibility).
Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world“- I think that this part of you is Robi-the-boy who is waiting for a re-do, a child not ready to meet an adult world. Can a different part of you, Robi-the-adult, take his hand and walk him step by step toward a lasting exit from the old chapter?
anita
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