Dear Anita,

Sorry I haven’t said anything for such a long time. Thank you for checking up on me. I’m tempted to write ” I really appreciate it ”. But maybe if I did, I would’ve responded. ( ? ) I do feel like I do appreciate it though.. even if I didn’t take the responsibility to reply and let you know how I am. I feel ashamed of that to be honest. This makes me think of those situations when my friends call you but I can’t convince myself to pick up the phone. I hope you are doing well and good thing are happening around you. What an intense year this has been – for me and many of my friends. I’m sure for you it has also been very transformational.

We haven’t been flooded where we live but both Romania and Poland had been flooded. I was about to leave Romania when those happened. I went for that Fitness Trainer course in the end. It felt good to learn something new and learn something I’m actually interested in. Public School hasn’t been very inspiring. Right after completing the course I flew to Warsaw – wanting to start over ( again ) and apply for jobs ( again ), get my shit together ( again ). I mean, a big part of my life has been dedicated to getting my shit together. Again, I embarked on the same (but different) journey. I’ve done this quite a few times before and every single time my only hope was not to ”come back” right where I started from. I’ve managed to ”secure” a couple of work opportunities  in Warsaw before leaving my country so I won’t be walking around looking for work. One and a half months into my latest attempt to growing up / becoming adult, things don’t look too good. Unsurprisingly, I went for another teaching job. I can hear you say… why would you do that? That gives you headaches. My part online job didn’t offer as many hours as they initially promised, so I though I could combine 2 or 3 smaller jobs. I knocked on a few doors and got a few classes here and there. I now work for 2 language schools, a couple hours a week. I absolutely hate it. I hate going there, I hate being there. Often during my classes and after finishing I feel okay, I feel accomplished. Still, something in me hates teaching. I can talk for hours.. and I often do. I often talk to my students about workouts, diets, healthy routines, breath work etc. I seem to be enjoying explaining this kinda shit to people instead of grammar rules I don’t understand myself. ( you surely noticed that by now )

I’ve been complaining A LOT lately. I kept complaining about these teaching jobs and how much I hate teaching. I seem to forget it’s me who knocked on those doors. They opened and welcomed me – because I went there telling them how much I enjoy teaching and how experienced I am. Although some of it its true.. I lied. I am somewhat experienced and because I sound like a native speaker its fairly easy for me to get a teaching job. The enthusiasm I managed to switch on for the first meeting quickly vanishes as I start having more and more classes. Of course it does.. it wasn’t real in the first place. It’s a role’ve played for half an hour. No ”actor” would like to play the same role for too long. Especially one that doesn’t reflect their personality, mission, values etc. So for the last month and half I’ve been trying to convince people I’m a good teacher with good credentials and work ethics. It kinda worked but I quickly became burned out by the stress that comes with impersonating someone I’m not for an extended period of time.

Not so long ago I cracked. I felt like a nut falling off a tall tree. I’ve been holding on for what feels like a very long time. One day I go to my class, feeling stressed, all over the place, trying to keep it all together for the next 90 minutes. I’ve been doing it for a while so I knew I can handle it – even when I’m redlining on a daily basis. Right before the class starts the director of studies asks is she could join the class. She came in all smily and enthusiastic, full of energy –  like a bottle of Champagne offering to support me and give me some constructive feedback. I simply didn’t have the space for that. It’s one of those moments when you say to yourself.. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!!! So I’ve had a panic attach. I got all warm and tense, couldn’t concentrate so we stepped outside and told her I’m not feeling well and since she’s here, she should do the class herself. She didn’t want to do it but decided to leave me to it. I wouldn’t have done it in her presence. I did a ways less enthusiastic class than before, but I felt like I’ve been through fire. I didn’t really give a shit anymore though. You could have a baby cry next to me and I would’t be bothered by it.

Well as you can imagine, all that made me think. I’ve never reached this point before. Teaching no bueno for me. And maybe it shouldn’t be. I kept saying to myself that putting myself in these uncomfortable situations will translate into growth and maturity. Conquering my inner bitch – as Joe Rogan likes to putt it. Doing something that is difficult.. something that requires big effort. Apart from a source if income I’ve seen these English teaching opportunities as great growth opportunities although It all felt wrong. I already do very difficult things.. I jump into cold showers almost every morning, I swing kettlebells or lift very heavy shit nearly every day. Maybe I don’t need to impersonate an English Teacher in front of other people in order to grow. Maybe there are other ways to achieve that.

Since then I’ve experienced a time of feeling quite low and pensive but also felt like a wake-up call. I feel I’ve been through a mental breakdown but I also feel that is somewhat necessary for my shell to crack. A lot of crying happened, on my own or in the presence of my girlfriend my frustrations or discussing our relationship goals. It feels good to say things I’ve been bottling up for a long time. It’s liberating. I feel like a lot has to come out.. and that’s okay.

In the mean time I decided to advertise my Fitness Trainings and English Classes in a nearby Cafe. I come here often and people know me here. I like the community and I’d rather try to do things privately.. doing it my own way. I’ve also left my CV in a few Gyms – next days doing more of that. I gotta keep knocking, that’s for sure. However, the doors need to change. If I managed to be successful at getting jobs I didn’t actually want, maybe I would be equally successful at getting the ones I actually do want.

After this month and a half I often feel like I’ve already reached failure in my latest attempt to grow up and become adult. However, I don’t believe that to be true. Of course, I could’ve done better and more. I could’ve put more effort and I could’ve complained a lot less. I wish I reminded myself where I’m headed more often. Although I don’t have a very clear image of where I’m going, any blurry image would do – even if vague. Any unclear image of the place I’d like to reach would do me a hell of a lot better than conforming to the paradigm that has been proven to be unsuccessful for years. The thing is, I do know what I want – even if very often I think I don’t. Very often having so many options and variables makes any map look a little unclear but the essence is still visible ( as long as you trust in it ). It’s funny how it’s so much easier to set yourself for failure than anything else, even at the cost of pain. Of course both failure and succes come with some degree of pain. And there it is! The pain Joe Rogan talks about.. The pain and discomfort of achieving something you want, when not knowing how to / when you feel you cannot – swimming against the current dictated by your comfort zone and limiting beliefs. Maybe I wasn’t actually challenging myself the right way by taking those teaching jobs. Maybe trying to convince people I’m a good fitness trainer, a photographer or a DJ would bring better results. Guess what.. I would’t have to pretend at all. I am all those things a lot more than I am an English teacher. Although I still need to improve and learn – I know how to do those things. I enjoy doing them every single time but chose to prioritise pursuing jobs I wasn’t interested in at all. Talking about self-sabotage..

This is kind of an Aha! moment. I’ve read and heard this very thing many times but until it happened to me I didn’t really get it. I got it now. It goes in the journal next to other catchy phrases like that. However, I hope it doesn’t just sit there in the journal. I hope it stays with me and pats me on the shoulder the next time I try to convince someone I want to be an English teacher.

Again, what a year this has been! Take good care of yourself ( or yourselves if there’s more of you reading this 🙂 )

Thanks for reading!

Dear Anita,

Again I had to convince myself to write. I guess it isn’t an easy thing to do although I feel good while writing here. I guess I have to switch to a different mode in order to put myself under my own microscope so to speak. One week has passed since I last wrote, feels more like a month.

I’ve decided to tell that school that I won’t be doing the classes starting with the new year. However, I did leave my CV to other schools these last days. Since I can’t yet live off training people in the gym I guess I have to stick to my online job and some teaching. I’m hoping that at least I can make it more pleasant by sticking to my neighbourhood instead of traveling to the center every time I have a class. It doesn’t make much sense to travel for 45 minutes one way only to do a 90 minutes class and head back home after. I’d rather push my online job more… and not travel for that long – its a huge waste of energy.

I see what’s happening. I’m choosing to do something easy – as easy as possible I’d say. I’d rather do the online job which is a lot easier than teaching. It does pay less but then again… I don’t travel anywhere so that time can be spent working. That makes more or less the same as the teaching job. To do 1.5 hours of teaching I have to spend 3 hours in total. If I worked the online job for 3 hours I’d make as much as I’d make by teaching for 1.5h. It takes a lot less effort… although does get my eyes tired. The advantage? I can do it from my favourite Café – sitting right next to my poster advertising my fitness trainings. The Time is NOW! it says… catchy, right? I can also work from home or anywhere else, while listening to music, making it seem more interesting than it actually is. Its repetitive and mechanical, quite easy and boring.. but somehow I seem to prefer it. It’s more comfortable this way and I seem to want that. And also, I can do it whenever I want.. I can make my own schedule. I know already that works for me. The disadvantages? Well… its easy and boring – it feels almost like I cannot fuck up. I also often feel ashamed for taking the comfy way instead of doing something more challenging and hmm.. rewarding? But I find the fact I can work from a Cafe and listen to music, start whenever I want quite rewarding. It’s a tricky one. Teaching, on the other hand.. I don’t think has been really rewarding. Everyone else told me it would be. I know its supposed to help me grow, learn stuff about people and improve my social skills in between waves of feeling like an impostor because I’d have to explain the present perfect instead of having an ”easy” chat with my students about things I’m interested in. So what does that even mean?

I often feel I’d like an ”easy” life.. but highly rewarding. I don’t think it could work quite like that. And even if I did.. I would probably feel frustrated for not reaching my potential. I already do. I guess the comfy job, at least, doesn’t make me redline.

Where have I seen this? Where have I seen the easy life? Does the fact my parents have been overly taking care of my responsibilities for ways too long echo into my adulthood? Is it my father.. who always seemed eager to do as little as possible and relax as much as he can? I don’t know.

I keep running and I don’t seem to want to root myself anywhere. The moment I start growing any roots I want to leave. Why am I even here in Warsaw? What am I doing in this cold country? Why am I wasting my years living an unrooted life? Don’t I want to build anything? Don’t I want a family? These days I’ve been thinking more and more maybe I shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe I should break up with my girlfriend and of course…( you guessed it ),  start over. I find myself having to find reasons for being in this relationship and question if I actually love my partner. I thought that’s why I first moved from Spain to Poland the first time, and the second time this year. Sometimes all this is so confusing. Let me guess.. same philosophy applies here too? Easy job, easy life, easy relationship. I seem to want to live a life of no effort at all.

I often want to run away from all this. I’ve seen it in others too throughout the years. I understand it but I find it hard to make sense of. At times I feel like I’m exactly where I should be, right now and I am, one day at a time, making progress towards reaching a higher expression of myself. I truly believe that – but I often seem to forget all about it and act the opposite. Instead of being grateful I am ungrateful. Instead of treating myself with compassion I treat myself with very heavy criticism. I thought by having a well organised daily practice, I’ll be able to remove some of the fog and operate from this ”better” version of myself who is grateful and compassionate. The one who feels confident he can reach his higher potential.

Don’t get me wrong.. I do feel a lot better after doing my morning breath-work, meditation or yoga, after doing my workout or after listening to an inspiring podcast – but I still seem to fall back in the ”dark”. It’s almost like seeing where you’re going but experiencing some interruptions. Feels like a fog coming out straight out of the very path I’m walking on.

It’s all ups and downs. Ups are pretty high up… downs are quite low down. There is one thing that keeps popping in my mind. I want to change my mindset. I want to change the way I live my days. Maybe I need better routines, maybe I need better time management. There has to be a way to improve my well-being by making use of everything I’ve learned so far. At least I’d like to believe so. Maybe, again.. I’m not putting my eggs in the right basket. Maybe my efforts has to be channeled in a smarter way.

Take good care Anita,

I hope winter is nice there where you are 🙂

Robi