Thank you so much for this response Anita. I know she failed me at times but I love her so much and I know she loved me. She had so much pain inside and didn’t love herself and that’s why she was giving up. I can’t stop feeling guilt from not being able to save her. I should have been by her side everyday. I was just going through so much with my own break up and for once I needed her so I wanted her to be there and was mad she wasn’t. So I wasn’t there for her and I feel so wrong and selfish for that. I feel to blame for her being gone and I’m so afraid to feel this way forever. I struggle with letting go and this one I’m afraid to hold on to forever. I can’t believe I’ll never see her face again. I am so deeply hurt and sad.

Thank you so much Anita. Your words are so wise and always help me through. I do suffer from the same as you these days. I suffer with feeling joy. I feel guilty that she isn’t here anymore. I am doing better but still struggle daily. I will say I have had a bit of a distraction while I am still grieving my breakup. It is so hard to lose my mom and then not have the man who has always been there for me be there during this time. I feel so alone even though I do have family. I feel empty. I’m back home in Chicago living at home where my mother and brother resided. I sleep in my Mom’s room. I feel like my life is turned upside down. I miss florida but my family is here and I know I need them at this time. I have no clue how to restart my life. I still love my ex even though he cheated on me and is totally discarding me because I’ve bashed him so much. I feel like I’ll never find a love like ours again. I’m so lost and I try to have motivation and hope each day but I am struggling.  So many emotions at once that I feel trapped.

Hi Anita, it’s been quite some time since I’ve replied to this post. I am struggling with this same situation once again. I’ve been doing well in my grieving process but it’s been a rough road for me. I guess my guilt is coming from the fact that when I got back to Chicago from my break up, I wasn’t myself. I honestly don’t know who that girl was. I realize now I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I realize I was stripped of myself. I had no confidence, I doubted myself and I lost myself. I started to realize these things and was blaming my mom at the time for my codependency from my dysfunctional child hood. At the time I was even considering my mom was a narcissist. But as time has gone on I realize she was an amazing woman doing the best with the life she was dealt. There was betrayal for sure but I know she loved me and I loved her so much. And I wasn’t there for her the way my old self would have been. I was angry and full of resentment. I wanted to take care of only me for once in my life. My codependency had me hit rock bottom. She called me that day she died. She told me she wasn’t feeling good and that they weren’t feed her at the nursing home. I thought she was exaggerating. She was always sick. She was vomiting or 3 months and we did not know what to do anymore. There were so many signs I should have been there for her. I even felt it in my gut that day that something wasn’t right but I was so lost and didn’t even trust my instincts anymore. I wish I could go back in time and be there. And save her. I know it isn’t my fault but something in my heart tells me I should have been there and maybe she would be here. She needed me.

Thanks for the response Anita,

You really put things in perspective for me. I needed her so bad. I still need her. I feel that most of my issues in life have to do with not having loving parents, at least ones who made me a priority because they did love me. The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes. I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame and codependency. What if she suffered from those things? What if she just didn’t know how to love me. She was a sweet and kind woman some times and would do little cute things for me but as far as a mother figure she did fail. I had no guidance, and no one to care about how I was feeling. I was clearly a depressed child and adult but she offered no life advice. But what if she just didn’t have those things to offer. I often wonder why I come up with excuses for people to hurt me. As I earlier mentioned I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation. And I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life. I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiance for the last 9 years. I am learning about narcissism since my break up and I truly believe my brother and his woman are both narcissistic. I am so fed up with abuse. I realize how much I put up with in my own relationship with my ex. I was so devastated after the break up but when I look back he isn’t acting any different than what he did in the relationship. I always had to apologize and I was always trying to be perfect and up to his standards and after finding out he was cheated I finally stood up for myself and left. But when I stand up for myself with these people my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not.