Hi Anita, wow such an interesting twist. I was in the despair of depression earlier between the situation with my aunt and just life. I managed to get out of bed and started to do things for myself. I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation. My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner. I said ok. Sweet as pie tonight. Asked me how I handled mother’s day. We discussed my other Aunt going into hospice and losing her and she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her. It was actually really nice. I feel much better letting the crying out and having her be nice to me. I am not naive this time, I understand she has problems and this is just a good time with her until the next punch in the face as you call it. But it was still nice because she has been cruel.  Anita it is hard for me because I am so compassionate but I’m not naive anymore. I feel bad people who are hurting like that. It is not easy to sit in pain. I do it without projecting it on anyone. It is painful work!! Definitely not for a weak person. She cried tonight regarding her son. I tried to make her understand she is sometimes wrong but that didn’t go over too well. I told her she needed to focus on herself more instead of judging others. I told her it was holding her back from happiness. I know she will not take my advice. And I know I still have to leave. I am leaving this house. I am hoping she won’t hate me and we can continue a distant relationship. Family is so important to me and it’s hard to think I have to shut them out.   I am very nostalgic right now when we are facing losing my aunt who was a sweet kind soul without a bad bone in her body. She was my moms sister. She was an amazing giving person who suddenly developed a disease and it has taken over her body. Things are in a different perspective at this very moment which worries me that my priorities and feelings change so much. But that life is so short, how can we turn on family. They are not all good including my aunt but they have  good things about them. My aunt is at the hospital with my aunt all the time supports my grandma, there for her brothers and open house to me, and there for anyone who needs it. None of us are perfect. Before living with her I had no problem with her. I have to love family from a distance I believe. I am feeling  very nostalgic. It worries me because I keep getting hurt.

Anita, last night I watched my aunt in. A coma practically die in hospice. I left before the final breathe but she was dying. I did not want to watch this and I did. My whole family was there. It was horrible. I am lost. Frightened. And back at square one in life if not negative square one. I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t process this. I am lost. Why did I watch that? How did her husband and my family practically make us go? No love or support just power trips and projection. I feel so much shame. I feel like my life will mean nothing. I am so lost right now. I am in a dark dark place. I need help. I’m scared

You are right and I keep telling myself they are just feelings. That is all. But I continue to feel so shamed. It’s also physically affecting me. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. I have been there for the last three months. I have been visiting. Listening. Supporting and offering advice. And he basically is very clear and full of shame himself and I just feel he placed in all on me and not just me. To the hospice unit yesterday he wore a shirt that said “y’all need jesus” if that wasn’t a statement I don’t know what is. Also my aunt whom I live with continues with her aggressiveness. Was so fake throughout this time and watching people believe in her makes me sick to my stomach. In front of anyone one said “I told Angel (my aunts husband) that WE would buy and set up refreshments for the wake, you kinda like I did for your moms wake” but in a rude cruel manner. It was like a stab to my heart. I’m so drained. I cannot even imagine going to this funeral. I again felt like I was in a sharks tank. I am sick

Anita, the reason I feel this way is because this has happened to me many times and I often wonder role I play. I have been in many shark tanks. Is it me? My ex and his family in the end put me in shark tanks and also now my family. It has happened to me in work places as well. Is it always someone else fault. I always consider how I could be better and what I do wrong. I’m in so much pain. Do I ditch the funeral? I’d be public enemy 1 if so. They might try to kill me.

But then wouldn’t it make me just like them if I don’t try to be a better person?

Please tell me I won’t feel this shame forever?

I feel so dark and numb and lost Anita

nit sure what to do with this wake