Hey everyone. I’ve been rejected recently by who I’m convinced is the first person I have ever truly loved. He just graduated from high school in May, and I’m just about to enter my junior year in a week and a 1/2. I know what you’re probably thinking, a two-year age gap at this point in my life is absurd, but please keep reading. After knowing him for over two years, his response has really confused and hurt me. For so long, others and myself had caught him staring at me with any chance he got, even smiling at me as he did (take note that he’s a very quiet guy, rarely shows emotion unless he is speaking to someone he really enjoys the company of). I had spent my first half of high school seated next to him in our band class, and I thought we’d bonded quite well. I was able to make him laugh, a feat not many can accomplish. By the time our last season of concert band together was over, he even initiated conversation with me willingly, joking around and overall seeming really welcoming to me compared to how he was with most.

I’d never even met his parents before, but they apparently knew my name. I found this out from my mother, who coincidentally sat behind them during one of our performances. His mom, stepdad, and older sister had been there. After joking to a friend she had brought along about how she used him, at a height of 6’4”, to find me in a crowd of kids in the same uniform, his mother overheard it and turned to mine with a gleaming smile. She automatically asked if she was my mom. They had a long conversation after this, with his mom gushing about how adorable I was, and the fact that the shortest and tallest kid in the band had been grouped together for so long by coincidence in our concert setups and how they were both their respective children. With him being so nonchalant about everything to do with band, I was really surprised to find out I’d been brought up in conversation to his family.

So, of course, with all of this weighing down on my mind, I sat down and wrote out my feelings on paper. I admitted everything, and ended it by suggesting that we get to know one another better. I didn’t say anything about starting a relationship in this letter, as I knew expecting him to be comfortable with that as he was going into college and I was still in public school would be outrageous. The next time I saw him in person, at an end-of-the-year celebration hosted by the band staff, I discreetly handed him the envelope along with a gift from our saxophone section. In response I had gotten a solid side hug and one of the most genuine smiles I’d ever seen out of him, but he didn’t seem to even look at the letter until the night was over with. I didn’t get a response via text until 11:48 PM the next day.

These were his exact words:

“Hey, you’re really sweet and the letter was very nice, but I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry. And besides, I’m about to go off to college and it just wouldn’t work out. Again, I’m really sorry.”

I knew that him leaving for school would play a huge role in any decision he made, but the response still shattered me. It’s been three months since, and I can’t still shake the idea that he wasn’t being completely truthful with his response. This may just be me trying to make myself feel better, but after all that has happened between us I don’t feel like that’s what he really wanted to respond with. I’m sorry if this has all just come off as nothing but teenage drama, but I’ve really been bothered by this for too long. I just need someone to help me understand what all has happened and how to move on.