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He asked me to be his gf before but now he said he is not ready

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Iloveshopping 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #309945

    leelee
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you for reading my message.

    I meet a guy from a dating app a month ago. Ever since we met we felt the chemistry. We meet quite often at the beginning and he bring me to meet his close frd, even let me in his work place, and show my pictures to his coworker like he is so proud to have me. We were holding hands and kissing every time we met. Two weeks ago he asked me to be his GF, I didn’t respone immediately cause it was in front of his friends and I am a bit shy. We texted a lot, and he was telling his close frd “it is really sweet, like a relationship stuff”.

    But then last two weeks, his work gets so busy and he barely has time to spend with me, we were fighting about that. At some point, I asked him, “what am I to you?” he just asked me to relax.

    After a few hours, he replied by message late at night: saying: ” I wanna say that it was little over a month that my ex left me, which broke my heart. Now I am over her, but I still am extremely hurt and wary of trusting others. So that’s why I don’t want to suddenly rush into another relationship. Love is understanding and trust. You love the idea of me, but you dont really love me, how could you, we just meet very recently. We dont really know each other yet. Complaining others and claiming they” should love you” will only drive people away.

    There is no perfect guy or perfect girl, all this fantasy romance stuff you listen yo and see in movies is complete nonsense. I think people nowadays, especially girls depict this perfect guy or person who should just sweep them off their feet and be this prince charming. This isn’t real and it’s selfish.

    You are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are kind, but I feel a little pressured to be in relationship with you. I can’t be the perfect guy you want so desperately. at least not at this exact moment. I need to fix my personal problems before I commit to you or any girl for that matter. This is probably my shortoutcoming. I must get myself in order before I be a girl’s real man.”

     

    This message really broke my heart, all I can think of he is not that into me. And he don’t want me anymore. I don’t understand what he means, and all I was asking for him is to spend a little bit more time with me.  And when we were together, he always mentioned his ex in a suspicious way that I feel like he has a huge resentment towards her.

    He still messaging me and wanna still be my friend. I dont know what to do, I can’t even think straight. Please help me.

    #309955

    Mark
    Participant

    leelee,

    You met this guy a month ago, i.e. 4 weeks ago.  Within 2 weeks since meeting, he barely has time to spend with you.

    You don’t know what to do?  Let him take the lead if he wants to talk/message/be with you.  Go about with your life.  It seems premature to have any sort of relationship whether it is romantic or a friendship within 2 weeks of meeting a stranger.

    His message is spot on since you don’t know him.  You love the idea of him or just the idea of a boyfriend or the idea of a romance.  Take in his message rather than focusing on this idea of love.

    Create a life for yourself.  Focus on improving yourself.  Focus on creating friendships or nurturing the ones you have.  Focus on meaningful and/or fun activities.

    Mark

    #310013

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leelee:

    I read your previous two threads as well as your current one. You are now about 25. A year ago, you met a man from a dating app. After the second date with him, an oyster restaurant, he texted you: “Let’s take some time to know each other better, no rush right:)?”After a third date, I think, he texted you: “And sorry but I want us to take time, you need to know what you are getting into”. You texted him: “What am I gonna getting into?” and he texted back: “exactly you need to discover”. I suppose that new relationship didn’t  last long following the third date or so.

    After reading your current thread I figure what that man meant is that you need to get to know him before you decide that you love him and want to be his girlfriend, or marry him. He meant that a second or third date is too early for you to tell him that you love him and want to spend the rest of his life with him, and then demand that he says the same to you.

    About a year later, last month, you met another man from a dating app. In the first two weeks of dating, the two of you met quite often, he introduced you to his coworkers, you were holding hands and kissing, and he asked you to be his girlfriend. Week 3 and 4 of dating, he withdrew.

    You wrote: “his work gets so busy and he barely has time to spend with me, we were fighting about that. At some point, I asked him, ‘what am I to you?’ he just asked me to relax

    Later he told you: “I don’t want to suddenly rush into relationship.. You love the idea of me, but you don’t really love me, how could you, we just met very recently. We don’t really know each other yet. Complaining others and claiming they ‘should love you’ will drive people away.”

    “There is no perfect guy or perfect girl, all this fantasy romance stuff you listen to and see in movies is complete nonsense.. people nowadays, especially girls depict this perfect guy or person who should just sweep them off their feet and be this prince charming. This isn’t real and it’s selfish.. I feel a little pressured to be in relationship with you. I can’t be the perfect guy you want so desperately”.

    Here are indications that you pressured this current man:

    1. “At some point, I asked him, ‘what am I to you?’ he just asked me to relax“- meaning you were not relaxed, meaning in the second or third week of dating him, never having met him before, you already wanted a committed relationship and you demanded it angrily.

    2. He told you: “I feel a little pressured to be in relationship with you. I can’t be the perfect guy you want so desperately“-  right away, not knowing him longer than a week or two or so, you already pressured him and expressed to him a desperation to be in a relationship with him.

    3. He told you: “Complaining others and claiming they ‘should love you’ will drive people away“- meaning you complained to him that he doesn’t love you and you drove him away. This is why he withdrew from you but not all the way, he is still in contact with you.

    In summary: you need to no longer pressure men you just meet to love you and to be in a committed relationship with you. Get to know them first, give them the time to get to know you. Date a man for at least three months before suggesting (not demanding, not pressuring) a committed relationship.

    You don’t have to be sexually intimate with a man you meet- just date the man, ask questions, let him ask you questions.  Over time get to know more about his life and he about yours,  introduce to each other the people in your life.

    The two men you met through the dating app that you shared about, you rushed them both, pressured them and that turned them off to you. I suppose you told them both that you love them, that they are perfect for you.. and they felt strange about that, how can it be, they asked themselves, how can she say I am the perfect man for her.. she just met me, she doesn’t know me!

    anita

     

     

    #310067

    leelee
    Participant

    Thanks Mark & Anita for your reply.

    Yes, maybe I am a bit rushing and put on a pressured to him. But the fact that it was him asking me to be his girlfriend two weeks after we met. I thought he wanted something serious that’s why I am reconfirming with him asking ” what are we now”. I didn’t expect that this will push him away. He said he needs time to figure things out and still wanted to be my frd. I am not sure what to do as me and friend we were never a friend.

     

    #310069

    Mark
    Participant

    leelee,

    This is a great experience by adding to your wisdom in how to “do” relationships.  It does not matter who wants the romantic relationship if it is so soon.  Whether he or you saying you want to be boy/girlfriends and exclusive, the other person should throttle that back and take it slower. The proper response is “let’s see how we are after 6 months of dating.”

    The two words that have high level of misinterpretation are “friends” and “love.”  People rarely know what that means in practice and usually don’t have the same idea which each one means.

    My suggestion remains: Go let him “go figure it out” while you move on by having a full life without him.  If he comes back then you are responsible for taking upon yourself in pinning down what sort of relationship both you and he wants and what that looks like.

    Mark

    #310099

    anita
    Participant

    Dear leelee:

    Like Mark stated so well, paraphrased: it doesn’t matter who is rushing a relationship, the other person should slow it down. Don’t rush a man especially if he is rushing himself, that is a double-rush!

    And like Mark stated perfectly, “The two words that have high level of misinterpretation are ‘friends’ and ‘love’. People rarely know what that means in practice and usually don’t have the same idea which one means”-

    -a woman says to a man on the first week of dating: I love you. Maybe she means: You look like an okay guy and I want to get married and fast, will you marry me, please!… Maybe that is all she means. A man says to a woman on the second week of dating: be my girlfriend. Maybe he means: I really like you! Maybe he means be-my-girlfriend for a short time, nothing serious.

    A man or a woman, after breaking up, often says: let’s be friends. What that often means is: don’t be angry with me. That is all. And the friendship they mean consists of texting or talking on the phone for another week or two after the breakup.

    Better ask the person saying this or that, what do you mean by this.. or that.

    Maybe this man suggested to be friends with you because he wants to get to know you better. In that case, pay attention to what he communicated to you: “There is no perfect guy or perfect girl… people nowadays, especially girls depict this perfect guy or person who should just sweep them off their feet and be this prince charming. This isn’t real and it’s selfish… I can’t be the perfect guy you want so desperately”-

    He told you that he is not the perfect guy that you want, that he doesn’t like it that you want him to be a perfect guy, it is too much pressure for him and it is not fair to him because no guy is the perfect guy, no person is perfect. Take in what he said and consider it- this is what a true friend does: listen and consider what a friend says.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #310519

    leelee
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice and here is the update. After the last message on Tuesday we haven’t text back each other. And after few days of calm down I realize I might not really that attached to him. And what spice up this situation is that the guy I dated back in last year, we dated for half year and I broke up with him on March. Recently on Tuesday, he asked me for coffee, we haven’t met each other since March. We caught up like nothing has changed. But after that, he sends me a message stating he is currently seeing someone else but waiting for my cocktail tasting invitation (I am currently attending a class to learn to make cocktails). I was like ” Of course, let me know when you are free.” ) He then replied ” Sry not on Sept, but maybe late Oct.”) I am not sure what did he expect, and why the wait till Oct? I mean I broke up with him twice since we are together, but I am not against the idea of getting back together cause I think I am more mature now and wanted to take thing slowly, like for real.

    #310553

    anita
    Participant

    Dear leelee:

    I don’t think you mentioned this man in any of your threads?

    “I am not against the idea of getting back together cause I think I am more mature now and wanted to take thing slowly, like for real”-

    – but are you mature enough to not get romantically or physically involved with a man who stated to you that “he is currently seeing someone else”?

    anita

     

    #310711

    Iloveshopping
    Participant

    It was probably because of looks because he asked you that.

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