Home→Forums→Relationships→He cheated on me…with his wife
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August 3, 2019 at 1:04 pm #306385
AsterParticipantAny advice is appreciated, I’m so lost and heartbroken. I know the title sounds bad. They had been legally separated for 4 months before he pursued me. I even told him that I didn’t want in the middle of it, come back when the divorce was final. He eventually wore me down. His soon to be ex knew about me, and for 6 months there were no problems. Then about a month before the divorce date, he started acting cold toward me. Up to that point, he was the most loving man I had known. I had suspicion he was starting to freak out about the divorce. And told him I’m going to remove myself from this equation, that he needed to figure out what he wanted. That lasted a day. He said he didn’t want to let me go and that we can work this out. So, the divorce was final about a month later. Everything had been great for months. Now here we are 5 months after D day, and their house sold and his ex gets ahold of me. Tells me they have been sleeping together up until the divorce. I confronted him, and he burst out crying. He admitted it happened twice. She told me the day after he moved into my house. It has been 6 weeks, hes still here. But I have become this bitter person I don’t even recognize. I was so in love with him. Before him I had been alone for years after getting out of a 20 yr abusive relationship. Does he deserve a chance? One of the times he slept with her was after I wanted out and he begged me to stay. Will I ever be able to trust him again? I just want to be the happy person I was before finding this all out. I mean, how does he have sex with her, then show up to dinner at my house. How was he able to look me in the eye like nothing happened? There is more details to this story, but that’s the gist of it. The thought of him moving out makes me sick, yet everytime he has to go pick up his kid, I’m left being a paranoid idiot. I feel like a idiot anyway!thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.
August 3, 2019 at 2:09 pm #306397
AnonymousGuestDear Aster;
If it was possible for you to go back in time, maybe you wouldn’t just say to him: “I didn’t want in the middle of it, come back when the divorce is final”, you would also act on it .
But now, that you can’t go back in time, and he is living with you and “The thought of him moving out makes me sick”, I suggest you attend individual psychotherapy/ counseling and/ or couple therapy with him. During such things may resolve in your mind and heart. Maybe you will forgive him for his haste to get into a new relationship and getting all emotional and confused.
Post more if you want, if it helps you.
anita
August 3, 2019 at 2:22 pm #306399
MarkParticipantAster,
I agree with everything what anita has said.
Your original assertion of not wanting to get into a relationship while he was married was the right one. Now you have to take charge of your life by getting help from a therapist and taking back your house.
He needs to live on his own in order to grow into emotional self-sufficiency. Jumping from one relationship into another is fraught with issues and challenges as you have experienced. You need the physical distance from him in order to get straight in your own mind and recover from this betrayal.
Mark
August 3, 2019 at 4:57 pm #306425AsterParticipantThank you anita and mark. I’ve been telling him we need to go to counseling. He thinks counseling is b.s. Yet he cant quit crying. When I told him I wanted him out, he got on his knees and grabbed my legs and sobbed.
It gets more idiotic. We work for the same company. We aren’t in the same department, but avoiding him would be next to impossible. Hes been in my office sobbing several times. Yes, I should have stuck to my original plan of not getting involved. He was convincing. She had been moved out for almost 3 months before the legal separation.so it had been over 7 months of her not living with him before I started seeing him. And that it had been bad with the fighting for yrs, and they havent spent the last2 Christmas’s together. So I was told it was only a technicality at that point. And the reason the separation has been stretched out so long was so she could keep insurance since she didnt work and has health problems. She told me that’s just what they do, but always find their way back to each other.
One day I’m fine, the next I cant stand the sight of him. We go out and have a great time, the next day I’m a total hag to him. I’ve been through yrs of therapy because of the crap my ex put me thru. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but at least when I got knocked around, it was upfront. Literally in my face. But this kind of betrayal is different, its sneaky and in order to get past it you have to have faith it wont happen again. I was happy those years after my divorce, being by myself, but after 5 yrs of being alone, I guess I finally gave in. I had been asked out by many, went out on dates with a few, but never allowed it to go anywhere. Na, I had to wait until a trainwreck caught my eye. Like I said I feel like a dumba$$.
August 3, 2019 at 5:16 pm #306427AsterParticipantI mean, you would think after 15 months of not being with her, that I could trust what he said. And I did at least stick to my guns for about a month after telling him I didnt want caught in it. But he persisted and other women were taking a big interest in him. Lame reasons, but those thoughts did enter my head. That he was a good guy. And I was going to regret it if I didnt at least give it a shot. And he has been good to me, but how does one move on from this?
August 3, 2019 at 5:37 pm #306431MarkParticipantAster,
I like the therapist Dr. Joy Browne’s recommendation of not dating one year after the divorce papers are signed. Separation does not count. I truly believe that we need that year to be on our own emotionally and all other aspects, i.e. our own place, our own friends, etc.
Re-read your posting and see if you really think “he has been good to me” and that being without him would be something you would regret. Going down on his knees and grabbing your legs are not the actions of a healthy man.
Is he out of your house? Or are you having second thoughts? Him going to you at work can be constituted as harassment so tell him that and threaten to go to HR. If you really want to move on and get back to that place of being happy without the drama then cut him off.
Mark
August 3, 2019 at 6:39 pm #306451AsterParticipantHes not out of my house. I dont know what I want to do about him. Things had been really good up to the time she contacted me. We traveled, we did everything together. It’s hard to just shut all those feelings off. It had been 6 months since this occured between them, so he thinks I should just be able to move on from this since things were going so well. I only found out 6 wks ago about all this, so I’m living it now like it just happened, hes not understanding that.
August 3, 2019 at 7:03 pm #306453
Chloe RoseParticipantHey Aster,
First of all, my advice is to have compassion for yourself. Not many of us can say that we haven’t gotten caught up in a romantic relationship that wasn’t in our best interest. And it’s absolutely understandable that it’s hard to shut off feelings.
That being said, he made a huge mistake. If he isn’t willing to go to whatever lengths necessary to rectify things (ie going to counseling) or puts the burden on you to get over when he is the one that messed up, I wonder how sorry he really is… I think counseling is a great idea. He has to change something otherwise he will cheat again. It’s ok to hold him accountable. But I also suggest you take this advice with a grain of salt. You know what’s best for YOU. We hope you act on it. Best wishes through this tough time.
August 3, 2019 at 7:15 pm #306459MarkParticipantAster,
As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Good luck,
MarkAugust 3, 2019 at 8:47 pm #306461AnonymousGuestDear Aster:
I can read your heartache, your frustration, your distress and you shouldn’t keep living like this.
Notice this: “I confronted him, and he burst out crying… One of the times he slept with her was after I wanted out and he begged me to stay… he can’t quit crying. When I told him I wanted him out, he got on his knees and grabbed my legs and sobbed… He’s been in my office sobbing several times… She (his ex wife) told me that’s just what they do (separate), but always find their way back to each other”-
He cries too much in front of you. I don’t believe in “big boys don’t cry” but he cries too much for the purpose of you seeing him cry. It is a manipulative kind of crying. The begging you to stay, what is that about, why is he begging; what does it mean that he is begging, vs asking? Crying and sobbing and begging… with her too, with his ex wife, every time they “find their way back to each other”, I imagine.
No wonder you lost respect for him and yet, it is hard for you to give up the hope, the good times. But now, as you look back at the good times, you can see that those times were not what you thought they were because there was no honorable, honest man behind those good times.
Better have him leave tonight. I suggest you ask the police to arrive at your place for the purpose of being present as he packs his things quickly and leave peacefully, to ensure his peaceful, drama free departure. Do it ASAP.
With the police present, he is not likely to cry and sob and grab your knees and beg. He will probably pack quickly and leave quietly.
When and if you decide to follow my advice, please let me know how it went. If you don’t follow my advice, post anyway. (I will soon be away from the computer for about nine hours).
anita
August 4, 2019 at 5:51 am #306503
InkyParticipantHi Aster,
Leave work early without telling him. Sneak home and put all his belongings outside. Call a locksmith and call the police. Have them arrive at the same time, right before he comes home.
When he arrives home as the locksmith is changing the locks, and with the police present say, “This man does not live here”. Those are the magic words the cops need to hear. With the locksmith there everyone will know you mean it.
Then, MOVE to a friend’s house or a hotel so he can’t convince you. AND/OR have way too many houseguests over. “There is no room at the inn.” TAKE a leave of absence from work or even, yes, change jobs. BLOCK his number, social media, etc.
Live and Learn,
Inky
August 5, 2019 at 10:52 am #306677AsterParticipantHello everyone, thank you for the advice. He said he will look for a place of his own. He stayed at his campground hes a member of this weekend.
I’ll admit, I’m a bit panicky. Sucks. I dont really understand myself in this whole thing. One minute I think I can get past this, the next minute I can’t. It’s kind of just all over the place with advice also. People who know him think he’s a great guy. My family doesnt necessarily think I shouldn’t give him another chance. It’s interesting, seems online, the consensus is run away from this, face to face, it leans more to second chances. I was really head over heels for this guy, and friends and family seen that, and they’ve never seen me so happy. Maybe that’s the influencing factor?
I did ask his ex when she was she was pointing out all the bad things about him to me, why would she want him back then? She said she wouldn’t let this one mistake he’s made ruin their 20 yr marriage. She said hes never stepped out on her before. He said he has never stepped out on her. So it’s not like hes a player. I dont see that in him at all. Hes been with the same woman since he was 18, I’m the 2nd. I even asked him when things started getting serious if he was sure about this, and didnt he want to play the field a little. He said “I’m 45 yrs old, I’m not interested in the field, just you.” I am also 45 and was hoping this would be the person i would spend the rest of my life with.
I do take part responsibility in this. I shouldn’t of gotten involved with him in the 1st place. But, like anita had said, going back in time unfortunately isn’t an option. I’ve known him from work for years. He’s a respectable person. Maybe he truly did just get mixed up in his head, and ex wife is not miss innocent in this. Shes been playing head games for a long time, but I’m just going by what his friends had told me on that.
I am going to distance myself from him for awhile. Him in my face just makes it so I cant think. If i do decide to make a fresh start on this, then like mark said, it’s on me. Fool me once…
August 5, 2019 at 11:40 am #306697MarkParticipantAster,
You two may get back together but let him figure out his life after marriage first. Like I said about the common wisdom from therapists is to allow one year after the divorce is final in order to learn to be on their own emotionally, physically and financially. That clinging on the leg crying thing shows that he does not have the emotional stability yet.
If you are meant to be with each other then you and he will get together a year or so from now.
Mark
August 5, 2019 at 12:22 pm #306723AnonymousGuestDear Aster:
“People who know him think he’s a great guy.. online, the consensus is run away from this, face to face, it leans more to second chances”- maybe because he has a handsome face. Maybe he is good looking, has a face and mannerism that seem to belong to a good, kind man. Maybe he has a great posture, dresses well, looks confident (a different visual from “on his knees.. grabbed my legs and sobbed”).
Taking into consideration all that you shared, I join Marks’ suggestion above. During that year, if both are willing, meet him as a friend, get to know him all over again. Sometime along the way, maybe date him.
anita
August 5, 2019 at 11:41 pm #306791
MichelleParticipantHey Aster,
I think Chloe put it best. Whilst it’s great to reach out for advice, at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your decisions and you are the one who knows you (and him) best. Everything else is just different perspectives based on a wide range of experiences and potentially helpful insights you may not have considered.
What happened, happened. No changing it one way or another. Whilst yes, there are generally recommended ways of approaching things, real life is messy and and rarely follows the textbook or film script. And no one way or ‘rule’ fits all.
This guy spent pretty much all his adult life with his ex-wife. That’s going to take some serious emotional detanglement. It sounds like he has come a long way on this road but perhaps the ex-wife has not, judging from a few of her comments to you. I’ll never condone cheating but again – it’s never black/white and there are degrees of cheating. Some people will call a kiss cheating, some just flirting, some a one night stand and some don’t consider it cheating at all until it’s a regular affair. This guy is somewhere in the middle, he’s not a player by the sounds of it and simply got drawn back into the emotional, well-known web of his old marriage.
Which is why Mark’s point on leaving a year before starting anything gets quoted a lot for good reasons. Though as said, life doesn’t always play by good reasons and what’s important is how you deal with where you are now. That’s the only thing you can change now.
So my 2p worth for your consideration… what matters here most is the feelings/driving force behind the decision to take him back or not – and when. If you take him back because you are scared you won’t meet anybody else as good, if you are worried about being alone etc – those are negative reasons, driven by fear. Not a good foundation to build a healthy relationship forwards on. If you see genuine remorse in the guy for his mistake, if he’s willing to work with you to make it right, if he accepts and understands your feelings and you can talk it through when you need to – then there’s every chance it’s one of those things that ends up making you stronger.
Red flags here are his emotional insecurity and unwillingness to join you in therapy. I’d make that one of my ‘red lines’ on trying again, if that is the path you choose. The emotional distance from living apart, attending therapy together and going on dates – that’s a healthy way of seeing if the potential this relationship had is still there. Many couple get through worse and emerge the other side stronger for it. Many couple stay together when they probably shouldn’t and make each other unhappy for years to come. Only you know in your heart and gut which path is right for you. I hope it works out well for you – you’ve done amazingly well to trust in trying again after recovering from your last relationship. Trust in yourself you can do what’s right for you again. Take care.
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