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He won't talk to me

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  • #217649
    maggie mac
    Participant

    We have been in a LDR for 4 years. He has a business 800 miles away so we don’t see each other much. We knew and liked one another in Jr. High school and met back up 4 years ago and began our relationship.  He calls me daily and we have fun, lively conversations. I know it isn’t like being together but it makes me happy until we can have more.

    He is from an alcoholic home growing up and cannot stand any type of drama or fighting.

    I realized this early on because if I said anything about not being happy with something in our relationship and if it got too intense he would say he had to get off the phone and it would take several days for us to talk again. It is like he feels responsible for anything that is wrong and it makes him ill. He literally has to take time to get over things I might have said.

    We are very close and have been able to talk about every single thing except this. It is like we just cannot talk about things that are a problem and we don’t talk about how he responds to problems that arise.

    The longest we have gone without talking is about 4 days up until this time.

    This time the problem arose when I told him he hadn’t called me and I felt like he was too busy for me. ( It was a saturday and he usually calls mid day So I called him about 4 pm and told him this.) He said he had been busy. I was upset and  said, “If you don’t want me anymore then just tell me”.  (He says it makes him physically and emotionally sick for me to say anything like this) I am not trying to hurt him but when I get upset things fly out of my mouth because of heightened emotions.

    Well, this really upset him because he doesn’t like for me to doubt him. He said he was going to get off the phone and I hung up because I was so hurt.

    I haven’t heard from him in 5  days. I texted him and asked him if we could talk but he won’t respond.

    I am utterly heartsick. I am thinking the worse… that perhaps I went too far and he is going to give up on me.

    I really need someone to tell this too because I have no one I feel comfortable telling it to.

    I keep thinking that if he ever calls me back I am NEVER going to doubt him or question him again.

    I know it sounds like we are teenagers with this ridiculous situation but we are in our 60’s and we both know what we have and feel we have finally found someone we can love.

    I know the way he deals with his feelings isn’t healthy for a relationship but I have accepted it because in every other way he is so good and I care for him so much.

    I need some hope to get through this. I am so sick from this I am getting despondent.

    Does anyone have anything? Please please don’t bash me or him as that won’t help and it will just make things worse for me as I try to endure being away from him.

    t

     

    #217707
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maggie mac:

    Welcome back!

    I hope that you feel better soon. Hope he contacts you very soon. You wrote in your previous thread that there has been a plan to move closer to each other, living together maybe? But money, you wrote, was the reason it didn’t happen by that point last year. Was it still the plan before he stopped talking to you?

    I will be away from the computer for about 16 hours. I hope other members answer you. You are welcome to add posts to your thread anytime. I will read and reply when I am back.

    anita

    #217719
    maggie mac
    Participant

    Yes, Anita. He had just left from being here for a visit and had gone back to work. One of the last things we talked about before he left is how he is streamlining his office so he can come here more. Thank you so much for your reply. I hope he contacts me too. In one way I have lots of faith in our relationship. In the other way, I am afraid everything is just going to fall apart.

    #217739
    Mark
    Participant

    maggie mac,

    I like the way the Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication Process is for it does not go into blame, it is based on compassion and it is simple.

    I view communication, understanding, compassion as critical components for a good and intimate relationship.  If neither one of you can feel free to be authentic and compassionately honest then I see that as a barrier and something to be addressed.

    I don’t see the solution as never doubting and questioning him again.  The solution may be more of conveying what you want in a “better” way.  I see making a request for more contact is not doubting or questioning him however.

    I am all for accepting the partner as the way they are but I also know from experience that if they are not willing to be open, self aware and grow with you then it makes it all the more difficult to have a lasting and loving relationship.  I found I cannot be around a partner where I feel I have to walk on eggshells.

    It is like we just cannot talk about things that are a problem and we don’t talk about how he responds to problems that arise.  A relationship where you cannot talk about problems is not really a close relationship in my opinion.

    Have you tried / thought of couple’s counseling so that these things can be better resolved?

    Mark

    #217741
    maggie mac
    Participant

    Mark, you raise some great points. I agree with on all of them. It is so hard for me to express why this doesn’t bother me more. I mean, not talking to him bothers me but the fact that he is this way I understand for some reason. His last relationship of 17 years was very abusive and I believe he just is messed up from it and probably cannot change. I know people CAN but just not sure if he would even want to try. He has had ALOT of therapy in his life.

    I wish I wouldn’t let things build up and then approach him in the wrong way.

    I feel like I am the one who needs to change because he is so easy to be with and is so good to me in every other way.

    I think deep inside of me I am afraid he wouldn’t want to have to change or go to therapy.

    I just want him in my life to talk with and be with.  If I were to run him off I would be mad at myself.

    Thanks again for your wise words, Mark.

     

    #217743
    Mark
    Participant

    maggie mac,

    They say you can only change yourself.  I believe that we can change the world (or at least people around us) when we change ourselves.  We can influence, directly and indirectly by that.

    5 Ways To Help Others Change By Changing Yourself

    Perhaps you can go to a counselor yourself?

    Mark

    #217809
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maggie mac:

    You are welcome.  You wrote that he cannot stand “any type of drama or fighting” and reads to me, he has been very consistent in his refusal to engage in any type of drama or fighting. From personal experience I know that it is possible to never fight in a relationship, therefore I believe his expectation to not engage in any kind of fighting is realistic. Not engaging in unnecessary drama is also a realistic expectation.

    His priority in the context of a relationship is to not be distressed. He would rather not be in a relationship than be in one that is distressing to him. This is my understanding. Therefore, it really is up to you to be okay with the way things have been so far or not. And if you are okay with it (not ecstatic, I understand, but okay), then better not start get back on any of those roads to nowhere with him, if you are back in contact with him, and back into the relationship.

    I hope to read from you soon.

    anita

    #217857
    maggie mac
    Participant

    I wrote you back but do not see it. Did you get it? ( Anita)

    I found it in my sent emails. I will copy and paste and add a little something because right now I am absolutely sick with grief about this. The thought I might never see him again is so painful. I am trying to be logical. Thinking about it makes my head hurt but I keep thinking that after 4 years and how close we are that he wouldn’t just throw all of this away.

    Anita, Your observations are right and true.  I can talk to him about things if I approach him in a non-accusatory way. I forget or get upset and that is what happened this time. I am OK with it this way because you are absolutely correct in saying that it is possible to have a relationship without drama or fighting because my mom and dad had this type of love and life together.

    I am praying that after he gets over this, he will call me. It is hard to imagine he would give up all the good we have because we have much much more good than bad.

    All I can do for now is wait on him.

    Thank you, Anita.

    I want to stay positive and hopeful that things will not end. I believe this is helpful to do that.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by maggie mac.
    #217859
    maggie mac
    Participant

    Mark, I wrote back to you also. I don’t see either of my replies to you or to Anita.

    I found it in my sent email and will copy it here:

    Mark, I know what I need to do. It is just a matter of doing it.  You would think that at age 63 I could get this down, but I am still a work in progress and we all are until the end.

    I agree that we have to change ourselves. Thanks for the link. I am going to check it out next. I just heard this last night… ” Be the change you want to see in the world. When you have changed yourself, you have changed the world.”

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by maggie mac.
    #217877
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maggie mac:

    As you can see, no posts by you today, July 20 before the recent two. It has been 4 years of LDR, 800 miles away and six days of no contact, at this point, which is two days longer than the previous record of 4 days no contact. Maybe he is busier than before, like he was that Saturday during the last conflict. Maybe he will contact you again because overall you have been accommodating to him and he invested in the relationship, having visited you not long ago.

    If he contacts you (or before), will you post about it?

    anita

    #217919
    maggie mac
    Participant

    Yes, Anita. I will let you know how this turns out.  I have a feeling he will contact me again. I just cannot imagine giving this up because we rarely have any upsets and he has told me before that he feels I am balanced in my emotions. I know he values that.

    We had just come to a new high in our relationship. I had met his grown daughter and she loved me and his ex-wife was always mean to his daughter and that hurt him badly. I really believe he thought I had gotten past the point of having doubts and when I did at this point in our relationship it really threw him.

    I admit I need to feel like I am the most important thing to him. When he got busy and his schedule changed I felt like it was me who was getting shortchanged, but for him, he saw it as a place where he could get some relief and had some leeway and I let him down.

    I have decided to not contact him anymore. It is not doing me any good and it isn’t helping and is probably hurting.

    Will post again soon. Please continue to post as you think of anything.

    I am editing this to add: The reason my replies didn’t post is that I didn’t post them from this site. I simply replied to the email I received telling me about the new messages. I guess if you reply from your email it doesn’t post. I wonder where they went?

     

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by maggie mac.
    #217939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maggie mac:

    I don’t know where your replies to the emails went, probably no harm done emailing those. Like I wrote, he has history with you, positive experiences, the meeting with his daughter reads significant, he has invested in the relationship, all these are in favor of him contacting you. But of course, I don’t know that he will.

    Looking forward to read from you. Do your best to accept the situation as it is and remain calm.

    anita

    #217951
    maggie mac
    Participant

    Thanks for the encouragement, Anita. I keep thinking about these positives in our favor.

    I’ll keep you informed if I hear anything.

    #217975
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, maggie mac, looking forward to you posting again, with good news, I hope.

    anita

    #217993
    maggie mac
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. I’m having a really bad morning. Sometimes I have a lot Of hope sometimes not so much.

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