Dear gamer:

“I decided this was the best choice, to  do no contact. I didn’t ask him if he wanted to.. I decided it was best”-  I am so glad that you made the decision yourself, and that you chose wisely!

I think that he is doing wrong to swipe up your story and add emojis to it. He has been unwise all along to suggest a break with contact. This is the part where he didn’t show sensibility or wisdom. A break means no  contact by definition!

If I was you, I would send him just this one short message: that you decided to go no contact for a while, for however long it takes for you to heal and learn from this experience. Let him know that the no-contact starts from the time you send the message and ask him to please respect your decision and not contact you till you notify him it is okay to  contact you.

Once you do  that, you will have an opportunity to learn more about him (it will  be an opportunity for me too, to learn about him if you let me know over time if he indeed respects your decision, or not).

You wrote that on May 5 (two weeks ago) he told you that you looked so beautiful.. that he can’t wait to  see you. On May 10 (9 days ago) he told you that he’ll call you every day, wanting to have an amazing summer with you, “to work together to improve.. with each other”. A few days later he offered to drop you flowers and ice cream. A couple of days later, at night, he texted you that he wishes you were in the car with him.

“he might be patient and honest to you, but I do not believe so because he is all over the place”- notice the first sentence I wrote to you in my yesterday post was: “So far, according to the conversations you posted, he seems to be exceptionally honest, logical”, etc.-

According to the conversations you posted he seemed to be these things, and I agree with you: all together he is not consistent: indeed, “His mind is all over the place”. The fact that he lives with his mother with whom he has a troubled relationship, and that he overworks, and the pandemic etc.. all these add to his stress level and being all over the place.

Thing is, just because his mind is all over the place, does not mean that your mind  need to follow him all  over the place. This is why it is so  important that you do send him the no-contact message (a non-negotiable message, not open to discussion), and then carry on the no contact.

“If he wants to contact me.. he may”- bad idea, this is not part of the no contact you said you decided on at the beginning of  your recent post. The logic is simple: he wants a break. A break means no contact. it is illogical of him to want a break and contact at the same time.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .

Dear gamer:

I don’t like him sending you emojis, that’s contact. Nonetheless, what is most important is that you  don’t contact him and take your focus off him. Make sure that the following pattern: him telling you on one hand that he wants a relationship and on the other that he wants a break and you chasing him, arguing with him begging, fighting etc., that this pattern is over.

Whatever you choose to do: be honest with yourself and with him, don’t chase him, don’t beg him, don’t argue with him and chill, best you can. Get off this emotional rollercoaster, and if you find out, while you are off the rollercoaster, that he is still on it, don’t join him!

Focus on getting to a place of calm and clear thinking.

anita

Dear gamer:

I appreciate your updates because they help me understand him better. Let’s see what I can understand today:

Reads like he does suffer from a strong sense of guilt (“He kept saying sorry, for all the wrong things he’s done.. to hurt me.. bringing me down with him.. self blaming”). I think he exaggerates by far, in his mind,  how much he hurt you, taking too much responsibility. I am guessing that his mother instilled in him this sense of exaggerated guilt.

“I have and always will support him, love him and motivate him”- the way to do it, taking into account his guilty, self blaming state of mind, is to not blame him for anything, and to not complain to him about how badly you feel. Even if you don’t blame him for how badly you feel, he will automatically blame himself. So keep your communication with him positive, control your expressions of hurt and misery, and express to him that you are okay.

Regarding the no contact: clearly he doesn’t want no-contact with you and you don’t want it with him. So no-contact is not an issue for me to mention again. What he wants is to keep communicating with you but to not be officially in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you. That’s what he wants. You want to keep communicating with you, but be officially in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.

I think that he is honest, logical and mature at times, but his pathological sense of guilt is messing him up and he is unable to put his logical thinking into good use in the context of relationships because his exaggerated, pathological guilt is contaminating his thinking. For as long as he is living with his mother (whom I am guessing is the source of his pathology), he can’t start healing.

anita

Dear gamer:

To clarify to myself: when you refer to no contact you mean the following: “No texting, no phone calls but simply check-ins through social media application” (your words earlier in your thread).

You’ve been upset with this relationship situation for too long, every day. Having the time I decided to re-read and study all your posts so far, five pages, starting May 3, and see what I can figure out.

The two of you are 20. He is currently working on a new business that he recently started, a business that involves a lot of physical labor, “he’s constantly overworking himself and being tired because of this new business”, and he is attending school (physically or online), preparing for examinations, and lives with his mother with whom he has  a lifetime  troubled relationship (“he had childhood trauma and paranoia as well as anxiety.. he deals with it everyday, with his mom and is always paranoid and high sprung all the time because of her”) .

We didn’t talk about your life circumstances, but seems to me that you are living with your family (“there was a family issue I had to deal with at home”, “I am trying to distract myself by spending time with my family and sitting with them”). You are alone most of the time while at home (“I’m usually alone in my house”). You have a few friends that you don’t consider  close (“I do have some friends but I don’t consider them close”), and one “really good friend”. I don’t think that you are employed and you mentioned nothing about being a student. You wrote: “I just feel so alone so that’s why I worry and get anxious”. You also mentioned a counselor: “I was talking to my counselor, and she said to do what my heart says”.

The relationship between the two of you started when you were both 18, a year and 8 months ago. He’s been your first boyfriend: “He was my first everything, my first love and he met my friends and family”, “We fell madly in love and have the same goals, aspirations and values”. At the beginning of the relationship, “he put so much effort in. He made me feel so loved and valued, I was so, so happy. Beyond happy”. There has been a quarantine related break from about mid Feb to May 8, the date you saw him in person for an hour, and there was a later date when you met in person a second time.

May 3 you wrote  that you “fought back and forth for hours… All our past fights and disagreements, we decided to stick things through and work through it together but this time, it’s completely different and that’s what I’m afraid of, that I’ll lose him”.

Next, I am quoting from you what you reported that he told you. I am the one adding the italic feature plus the dates. I tried to put the quotes in the accurate order of time but I am sure not all is  in accurate order. Before some of the quotes I placed a date in parentheses:

(May 5) he told me I looked so beautiful and that he couldn’t believe I was his.. after this outbreak is over, he can’t wait to see me… “He says he can’t open up to me .. bc he believes I will react a certain way.. he says that he believes we are always at odds against each other and as much as we try to fix things, things keep repeating from the past… he said he wants things to work too but he just needs time to think.. He said he felt that he was in the middle. On one end he wants to end things and the other end he wants to stay together and fix things.. The day we fought, earlier he told me he loved me so much and that he misses me. Now he’s in the middle of making a decision that can either let us be together or not.. after our fight happened, he finally tells me that he is anxious with me… he said he could not think properly and that is why he’s stuck… he said he loves me very much but was unsure about us moving forward and that his decision was 50-50… that he misses me but doesn’t know what to do.. saying he doesn’t know if he wants for us to be happy or for us to end on good terms… He said he was leaning more towards trying to make things work… he double messages saying: he doesn’t like being like this, that he would like to fix things, and that is his decision… (after you “didn’t talk to him the rest of the day, ignored his texts) “He apologized for all that he had done, what he had said and told me he was frustrated the day he asked me for space. He was frustrated with life and himself and he was overthinking and being anxious about us and that’s why he said it.. He apologized even more and asked if there was anything he can do to help me feel okay… He said he was thinking of me and he wants to be with me and enjoy life together.. He said he would do anything to make me happy and that he wanted to fix all  of this mess he caused. He apologized again for wasting my time and energy, for hurting my feelings and for doing this all to me… He said it was wrong of him to get frustrated and he needed to control his reactions and anger..  he said that was something he needs to work on… He said he made up his mind and his decision was to be with me and he will work out our issues and become happy… (May 8:) He.. reassured me that he loves me very much and wants to be with me and constantly thinks about me and us being back together (May 10:) He wanted us to have an amazing summer, use this summer to work  together to improve ourselves with each other… (May 13:) He asked me if he could  drop off flowers and ice cream… (May 14 or 15:) He texted me ‘I wish u were here in the car with me’ (May 15:) He stated that he felt so distant from me.. He always thought I was complaining every time I mentioned what was wrong and the complaints were every other day. Because of that, he was anxious and worried every time he would call or text because he thought I’d list out complaints and blame him and that drove him away. He even told me he was so worried that I was unhappy and because of that he just kept blaming himself for it all.. he said he really wanted me to be his partner but he was just always worried and anxious with me. (May 17) He ended things with me. He said he wants to take time to himself to figure things out and he cannot see us being happy right now. He said it was a hard decision to make and he said he still loves me very much and cares for me.. he believes that this is needed and that maybe in the future, if our time comes, we can be together… He said this was unhealthy and that we can’t move forward with this as much as he wants to.. He said to take the summer to  ourselves to figure things out. He still wanted to be able to contact me and talk to me, while on this big break… I feel scared and can’t get over that… I’m truly conflicted cause I will always love you but I hate having to feel pressure of you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not.. it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you.. I want to be with you so badly I just don’t know how to make things work because of what we’ve been through… ur completely right and not getting ur hopes up… We just need some space between us for some time to restore our self love, happiness and discipline.. You can give me a call anytime… ( (May 20) He kept saying sorry, for all the wrong things he’s done, all the mistakes he made and everything he has done to hurt me. He said he realized how draining and toxic he can be .. and taking it out on me, affecting me, and bringing me down with him.. He said he wants to be better for me.. He stated that he is messed  up  in the head and he needs to sort that out and that day by day, he will work on it… He kept telling me ‘You don’t deserve any of this, you deserve better'”

And now my input following 18 days of our communication on this thread and today’s study:

1. Looks like he is way, way busier than you are: he started a new business that involves physical labor, he is a student studying for exams and is living with his family, including his mother with whom he has had a very troubled relationship. Living with her causes him much anxiety and distress. You on the other hand have a whole lot of time on your hands, a whole lot of time that you spend focusing on him. Seems like you don’t have a close relationship with your parents, you have only one good friend,  and you spend a lot of time physically and emotionally alone. He is busy and troubled, and you are troubled with a lot of available time with nothing much to do and no one there with you.

2. Considering his motivations: you mentioned nothing on the matter, but I wonder if financial motives may be part of his interest in you, if your family is well off and that’s a draw for him (?)

I am also wondering about sex as a motivation, something you didn’t mention. I don’t want details on the matter, not at all. What I am wondering about is sex in regard to his motivation: it was part of your relationship for a year and a half but there has been no sexual activity in any way between the two of you since Feb this year (?)

Still, in regard to his motivation: you mentioned that he met your family, and that he recently talked to your brother- I wonder about the nature of his contacts with his family, if the nature and future of the relationship between the two was discussed between him and your family and between his family and your family (?)

3. It is still my understanding and you validated it, that you have been argumentative, impulsive,  impatient and selfish with him (“You are right. I am argumentative, wanting things, impulsive and impatient as well. I look for my own needs before anyone”).

I can clearly see that his strong inclination is to blame himself for whatever you are unhappy about, and your strong inclination is.. to blame him for whatever you are unhappy about, so the two of you are blaming him. He has the tendency to look into himself and figure out what he is doing wrong, and you have the tendency to not look into yourself for what you may be doing wrong, and instead look at him for what he is doing wrong.

4. You keep stating that you love him, but I don’t know if you are aware of how angry you are with him. Every time he told you that he made the decision to resume the relationship with you, your reaction was angry: arguing with him and/ or ignoring his texts. So at this point, in your mind, he has to prove to you over time that he is serious about you, show you, not just tell you. I understand your logic here, but what I am saying is that you carry a lot of anger against him for a long time, and this anger has to be addressed and resolved somehow.

5. If he doesn’t have any dishonest motivations in regard to you (#2 above), then he is very much emotionally attached to you but understandably, because of your attitude (#3 above), his anxiety has been increased as a result of  you being in his life. Because of this reason, if he was an emotionally healthy young man, he would have ended the relationship with you long ago. But he is stuck in the middle for so long because he is emotionally unwell, suffering from unjustified guilt and self blame.

6. You treated me respectfully and pleasantly throughout your thread, so I have no  complaints. But I don’t think you treated him respectfully or pleasantly for the longest time. Because of your treatment of him I figure you are not necessarily emotionally healthier than him, but instead, unlike him who is focused inward, looking for his faults and what he did wrong, you focus outward, looking for.. his faults and what he did wrong.

That’s all I have for now. It took me hours to put this post together. If you choose to respond to it, please don’t rush doing so, take your time and respond to this post thoughtfully and thoroughly.

anita

Dear gamer:

“There are 2 people in this so it’s not only one person’s fault and I made it clear to him.. I believe there is always room for improvement and I take accountability for my actions”- you say this, in a general way, and you told him this, true. Problem is I didn’t spot this attitude in your detailed interactions with him. In the conversations you shared, the two of you pointed to him as the one at fault. And neither you nor him pointed at your faults.

A general statement as the one I quoted in the first lines of this post is meaningless when in practice, when it comes to specific matters, you don’t take accountability for your actions in the context of this relationship.

From what you shared, he doesn’t have any dishonest motivations regarding you. And yes, I remember the shower change of mind on his part and your confusion about it. Please pay attention to my following point: you are confused and so is he. You are expecting clarity from a confused person.

You can’t get clarity from a person who is confused himself.

Without dishonest motivations on his part, he is the honest young man I thought he was, don’t you think? This means that he honestly feels love for you, that he honestly suffers from guilt and self blame which causes him a lot of anxiety (from the time way before he met you), and he is honestly confused.

In this case, have mercy on him: give him the time that he needs. When you do communicate with him next, do not complain to him, do not demand what he can’t give you (clarity), do not blame him. Let him be and stop torturing him with your ongoing complaints and demands and expressed misery.

I figure it is unpleasant for you to read such things, as my last paragraph above, but following a thorough study of your thread, this is my best advice for you. Think of it this way: if you want him back and better than before, don’t contribute to his sickness. Contribute instead to his Health. What you want from him is what a healthy man can give you. A sick man can’t give you what you want, so.. you get my point, don’t you?

anita

Dear gamer:

I am very please and encouraged reading your recent post, finally I can see for myself that you are indeed looking into yourself.

Your tendency to “get angry and demand a lot.. hive a lot of hostility towards people I am close to”- here are two possibilities to explain how such a tendency can take hold in a person (these are only possibilities as  I know nothing about your childhood and relationships with your parents other than you are closer to your mother than you are to your father):

Possibility 1: you have observed for a long time that your mother tries hard to please your father but he doesn’t appreciate her efforts or disrespects her or mistreats her in one way or another. You feel empathy for your mother and anger at your father, and it is this anger that keeps being reactivated with other people, boyfriend included.

Possibility 2: your father favors your brother and you are angry at your father for that, for not paying much attention to you and considering you less valuable than your brother.

You are welcome to explore the origin of your anger here with me, or with the counselor you mentioned. I know it is a very personal matter, so I don’t expect you to feel comfortable discussing the matter, and I will be fine if you don’t. (I am opening it up to you just in case you want to explore it here with me).

“yes, I will leave him alone”- good, very good. I am so glad to read this. Because it’s the best thing for him and for you. If and when you do leave him alone for long enough (weeks or months), it will be you doing something different from before. Doing the same old, same old things as before (contacting him, chasing him, demanding answers etc.) will get you the same results as before (his changing, confusing positions).

But doing something different makes  a different result possible: a solid, clear position on his part.

When you forget the progress you just expressed in your recent post, re-read it. Re-read any part of our communication so to remind yourself of any and all clarity that you gained here. I am looking forward to your next update!

anita

Dear gamer:

He talks a whole lot, he says a lot of things over time. It is hard to keep track of all that he says and determine how honest he is at any one time. Overall, he seems honest to me. But almost everyone, if not everyone, chooses to tell one part of honesty to one person, and another part of honesty to another person. For example, he told you that he wants to be better for you because it is true and because he knows that you want to hear it. On the other hand, he told her that he wants to focus on work because it is true and he doesn’t think she needs to know that he wants to be better for you.

Also, a person may feel one way at one time and express it honestly, and a different way at another time and express that honestly. For example, he told you that he wants to be better for you because that’s how he felt at the time. But when he talked to the friend he didn’t feel like that, so he didn’t tell her that he wants to be better for you. He was honest with you and he was honest with her.

Another thing, no  one is perfectly honest all the time, not a single person, not even you. We all smile at  people we don’t like so to be polite, and we don’t tell people some truths so to not hurt their feelings. When he talks to you, he has in mind what you want to hear, and people who  want to please others tend to compromise the truth and say what the other person wants to hear.

You have been demanding, he is anxious and guilt ridden, so he is likely to say to you what you want to hear. This is why not being demanding, and not being argumentative is very important- so that the other person fears you less and is more likely to tell you the truth.

Here is a thought I had before I read your most recent post: the two of you are 20. Both of you live with your respective parents. Your parents don’t know about him; his don’t know about you. This relationship therefore, in practicality has not been and is not important in your life. Nothing really has been or is going on practically within this relationship: it’s all a big storm in a glass of water kind of a thing, an emotional storm for you, within you, while in real life, outside of your brain, nothing is happening!

anita