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Help! Lost my girl of 3.5yrs. So close to marriage!!

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 4 months ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #197755

    bob
    Participant

    I am still SO heart broken and I just want some light that she will return!  I have hit bottom in ways I don't even want to post.  We met in a very magical way.  It was an instant connection.  She had a little girl, I have 2 boys.  I helped raise her daughter, and we were SO bonded!!  My ex is a clingy woman.  She always desired me to be with her, loved affection, etc.  I did SO much work for her.  Fixing everything she needed, we pretty much lived together for 3.5yrs.  the first year was just bliss!  She was in tears in happiness.  But our communication was hurting due to me.  She wanted marriage very soon, we are both family oriented but I had SO much work to do and constant projects and was always late getting to her house.  But she never gave up and fought for me right to the end.  I never chased her, she chase me, AND she is just gorgeous.  I failed to show her just how much I loved her, though I always kissed her when I left in the morning, and we were both snugglers.

    I had actually bought an engagement ring months prior and wanted to propose on Christmas.

    Last Dec, I totaled my vehicle and was at my house trying to deal with all that.  She was telling me to just get something to drive and we needed a house.  I threw it at her that I was never be enough for her and maybe she needed a different partner.  I was so frustrated!  I bought a vehicle that needed fixed and all she saw was another project.  She was asking for a house 12/4, then called to end us on 12/19, and I just let it happen!  I was so hurt, I shelled up and just said “ok”.

    It took days for the full pain to set in, and I did EVERYTHING wrong.  She never knew how much I loved her and her daughter.  I sent a bunch of emails, even drove to her house against her wishes, and there was another guy there!!!!  She fought for me to the last day!  But jumped in another relationship SO fast!  This guy is her classmate, local, same values, friends, etc.  In many ways, a match!!!  I wanted to puke everyday!  Why didn't I just fight for her in those last days!!!

    I know for certain I am a changed man.  I have been in counseling ever since, and in church daily begging to have her back.  It has been SO hard.  It has been nearly 3 mo.  She severed all communication.  Says we are done, I need to work on myself, we are not a match, etc.

    I want to reach her SO bad, but I know I have only pushed her away more with my attempts to reach her, and she thinks I am nuts, but I sent her a picture of the ring, and she HAS to know I love her so deeply.  I never acted like this in the entire relationship.  I have always been confident, and assertive.  I now feel like a complete idiot but I can only hope she figures out why!  I feel as though I have lost my wife AND a daughter in all this.

    The way she ended us so SO abrupt, but I know she is sort of being secretive with her new guy, to the world.  Most people don't even know.  What can I do??  I have not contacted her at all in over a month now.  She has not said anything remotely promising since we parted.

    I know for certain we BOTH needed to change some things but it really hurt to ever hear her say “we are just different”, meaning our values were not aligned.  That was NEVER the case, but I did not voice that!  I have fought with major communication issues and she was tired of living in 2 separate houses, not married, and wanting more!!!  I wanted to give it ALL to her and I was SO there!

    #197793

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi bob,

    When a woman is done, she's done.

    It doesn't matter that she chased you in the past. It doesn't matter that she wanted to get married right away, or was clingy.

    Even though you bought the ring, even though you had a deep bond, even though you finally realized you loved her, it doesn't matter now.

    She made the decision. She's done.

    If she is indeed gorgeous, I'm not surprised she found another guy so quickly. The other guy was probably lurking in the background this whole time, patiently waiting for the relationship's demise, alluring her with the promise of a better match.

    Dude, if you truly want her back, your best bet right now is to back WAY off! Don't contact her again for at least a year. Every time she decides to ignore your or says “No”, that is only working to solidify her decision in her mind. This time you wait for THIS relationship to fail. THEN go to her (remember, still go no contact until 2019) THEN say, “How are you doing?”

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    #197795

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bob:

    I would like to understand better what happened. You wrote: “she was asking for a house 12/4, then called to end us on 12/19”- you lived in your house at that time and she lived in hers. Did she want to move to your house or did she want you to move to her house? Or did she want the two of you to move to a third location?

    How long did she want and ask you for that and what were your responses to her requests throughout that time she was asking?

    anita

    #197821

    bob
    Participant

    Well, I had already sort of planned and started on a new “3rd place” for myself when I met her.  It sits on 40 acres so plenty of room.  The problem is time and 20mi away and running my own business and kids got me way behind.  She patiently waited.

     

    I know now that some of my issues stem from the fact that I may not even want to live there anymore as this was a dream for many years ago and is further away from my family than I prefer.  I also know she really didn't want to live that far either, but was willing.

    She had been checking progress with me, which was slow, and started talking about doing something else, just anything to fill the gap.  My stress level was insane!  I think part of it was that she felt completely stressed out with all of us inn her house, but I did not feel it was “that small”.  1000ft main level plus finished basement.  2 kids would have to share a room for a bit, but we could manage.

    She felt it was chaotic.  Towards the end I realized I needed to just rent a house in her home town.  I know now how to make it all work, but she won't even talk now.  I was trying to avoid losing money such as a rental, but at this point I would give every dime I have to fix my family.

    I would say everything in our relationship was fast at first.  I knew I loved her about 2mo in and communicated that, we both knew we were looking for marriage/kids/forever.  She really wanted to move things along but I honestly wanted to new place done first.  I did NOT COMMUNICATE well at all!  I know now how much stuff I internalize because if I say something, she just expects it to get done.  Some things are just easier to say than do.

    She was asking for a ring and change in living arrangement for quite a while.  The way we lived for a while was I ran my business from my house, but I loaded up clothes and such every night, and always slept at her house.  There were a few nights I stayed at my own due to work or whatnot, but from about 1mo in, I pretty much lived at her house.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  bob.
    #197831

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bob:

    Reads to me that she was very distressed for a long time having you and your two boys living in her house, altogether three children and two adults. She waited patiently for years, waited that you will arrange for a bigger house for the five of you. Finally, she got tired of waiting and ended the relationship.

    For some reason she expected you to arrange for a house for all of you. Did you tell her that you will, promising her that you will arrange for a house?

    She gave up, no longer hoping for the move to a bigger house.

    Because she is not willing to reconsider, and because she has no reason (does she?) to think that if she gave you another chance you will, this time, arrange for  a house for all  of you, what kind of help do you need now, here on this website?

    anita

    #197881

    bob
    Participant

    I will be honest, I am completely shattered and broken over this.  I am a very spiritual person and this is absolutely pulling me away from my faith as I cannot understand why my God has forced me into to so much pain and regret, that I am considering the ultimate end just to stop the pain.  I seriously love this women and her child, but I know for sure this process had to happen to force me to SEE it.

    I am reaching for threads in the wind hoping she will open her heart just once more.  She made it SO easy for me!  So easy that I did not trust it.  She opened every door and lead me to them.  Told me she wanted to marry me, was willing to move away from her family for me, cooked for me, stopped in to see me at work, did EVERYTHING I could possibly ask for!  She is not perfect and has some very stubborn traits, but I certainly am not not perfect either.

    I know folks looking at this from afar can look with little emotion, but we both have children, we bonded to each other's children, and there was a lot riding on this for both of us.  I should be slapped for not seeing all this woman was fighting for, and all I had to do was walk through the doors she opened so freely for me.  I have never met a woman in my life that was so right for me, so gorgeous, and wanted ME.  I had an intense feeling of “too good to be true” constantly, and it held me back!

    Now I am stuck asking God why he allowed me to build up SO much love for this women, then shatter it all in front of me.

     

    #197883

    bob
    Participant

    Anita, you seem SO wise.  I have been working on our new place together and we always talked about it, she came out as I was working, but it was just taking TOO long!  I get it!  It will get done, but we needed to moving things forward!  I get it!

     

    In all my crazy emailing, She most certainly knows I want to rent a home in her home town together, I had a ring for her, and wanted to get started on our family together asap.  None of it mattered!  I don't know what to do!  It hurts so bad being so close, but I know in my heart, I had to feel this, to realize what I had, and I don't know why.

    I know the guy she is seeing is a classmate, recently moved back, knows her family, etc.  But I also know he has been around for months, and she still fought for me.  It is so heart breaking knowing how bad she wanted it.  My only thread of hope is she will realize all our history, and how much we can do together, if we both work hard at this.

    Tell me what I can do!?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  bob.
    #197921

    anita
    Participant

    Dear bob:

    I do hope you feel better soon, very soon. This emotional pain and turmoil is not helping you to see things clearly and do what needs to be done, whatever that may be.

    I want to understand better: you wrote how loving this woman has been for you, for so long. And you were aware, for a long time, I understand, that she needed and wanted a house for the five of you. What kept you from achieving that, day in and day out, month after month, year after year? What kept you from getting that place?

    anita

    #197969

    Mark
    Participant

    bob,

    I am sorry for your pain but I would caution you not to blame God.  You have already mentioned the significant part you played in the demise of the relationship, ex. our communication was hurting due to me, I failed to show her just how much I loved her.  Now I am stuck asking God why he allowed me to build up SO much love for this women, then shatter it all in front of me.

    If you want to bring God into this then you can look at it as God's wake up call to you to make changes in your life.

    It sounds like there is nothing you can DO since you have already done a lot to try to win her back.  What you can do is work on yourself.  Exam what things you can change about yourself so that the next relationship will work better.

    Mark

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