Help Me Understand If You Have Any Insight Into This

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This topic has 18 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Inky.

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December 15, 2017 at 2:41 am #182265

maggie mac
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I am in an almost state of shock over something that has happened within me and I am asking if anyone can help me understand what has happened for this seemingly sudden change.

After 27 years of being married and never laughing or enjoying my life because my husband was hard in many ways, a man from my school days looked me up and told me he had been following me on FB and that he wanted a relationship with me whether as a friend or more if possible but that he felt he knew me and loved me. I had liked him back then and I was happy and we laughed and enjoyed one another over 3 years in a long distance relationship. He told me he wanted a lasting relationship with me and has called me faithfully every night and during the day when he can as he runs a business on his own. In my eyes, he was everything. Beautiful, funny, insightful, not demanding or in any way judgemental. He always encouraged me and understood me. During this time he has been trying to get here more and to downsize so he can move here eventually but money is always a problem when clients won’t pay. I adore this man. I couldn’t get enough of just talking to him. BUT, I have been getting tired of not seeing him and feeling like things weren’t moving faster. He doesn’t get in a hurry. So, ( and here is where the problem arises ) out of the blue a man I was actually engaged to in my early 20’s looked me up and I wasn’t interested in the least. No one could hold a candle to the one I loved and adored. But I was curious to find out what had gone on for the past decades in his life so I talked to him and even agreed to meet at a restaurant to have a late lunch. What I found was someone I could talk to freely and someone who I liked very much. But what I cannot understand is what happened next! My adoration for the love of my life who I had been seeing for 3 years suddenly diminished to a significant degree. I feel this must be some type of phenomenon that can easily be explained but I am at a loss and very troubled by this. I feel as if I have betrayed him in some way. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. Thank you if you read all of this. I appreciate it very much.

December 15, 2017 at 2:53 am #182269

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi maggie mac,
Please can I first ask, you are still married, correct?

December 15, 2017 at 3:04 am #182275

maggie mac
Participant

No, I am not married. Thank you.

December 15, 2017 at 3:10 am #182277

Poppyxo
Participant

Ok, that’s cleared a few things, I read it as you were still married.

Don’t forget, this man you had reconnected with, was someone you had a flame with over 27 years ago, a long time. People can change so much in that time, & also if it was when you were at school, the way we view the world & people can change dramatically too, at school it may have been more of a lust relationship, than the love one you’re kind of hoping for maybe?
Have you only met him once?

December 15, 2017 at 3:16 am #182279
maggie mac
Participant
No, he comes here about every few months. His mom lives here. He even bought a car and left it here with me so that when he comes to town he could drive it. He is a good man but I am wondering if his lack of really making us a couple type thing has worn me out. Like… if he had made me his by some show of commitment (more than just us saying we are committed) I wouldn’t have had lunch with the other man.

I feel he has left me out there hanging in this world when I guess I want a man to say, “hey she is mine!” You know the protective kind of thing that some women like. Maybe I have waited for that for so long I am just tired.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by maggie mac.
December 15, 2017 at 3:32 am #182285

Poppyxo
Participant

How long have you been dating/seeing this guy?
Have YOU taken the time out to let him know what YOU want? If so, why not?

December 15, 2017 at 3:40 am #182287

maggie mac
Participant

I have been in this relationship for 3 and 3/4 years. I do tell him. He says he wants to be with me all the time and that he loves me. He seems to have a hard time with up close and personal dealings of an emotional nature. Like maybe he is detached or is hard to talk about his feelings. I don’t know… maybe this is why I am so tired.

December 15, 2017 at 3:40 am #182289

maggie mac
Participant

But why would all of a sudden I start to lose some of my affection for him?

December 15, 2017 at 3:50 am #182295

Poppyxo
Participant

because you’re tired, most probably.

3 to 4 years is a long time, with no commitment. I would question why he hasn’t made any plans to make such a commitment. I have been with my boyfriend for just under a year, he worships the ground I walk on & has already asked my ring size. We have also been discussing moving in together. How do you find it when you’re trying to communicate with him & he doesn’t seem to want to deal with up close and personal things, is this something that is important to you?

December 15, 2017 at 4:50 am #182317

Inky
Participant

Hi Maggie mac,

I would be truthful and say that you have met this other man for lunch. And tell him that you want to date other people. This should rightfully shock him out of complacency. He will either break up with you because he can’t handle it, or put a ring on your finger.

Your feelings for him suddenly diminishing is NORMAL. We are not meant to be maidens-in-waiting but are meant to be loved, sought after, romanced and fought for. (If I do say so myself!) So naturally we are drawn to people who love, seek after, romance and fight for us.

“Lady’s Choice”!

Inky

December 15, 2017 at 4:59 am #182319

maggie mac
Participant

Yes, I want to be open about our feelings. When we first started seeing other people he told me he wanted to marry me and how much he adored me. He seems to have VERY deep feelings about things but he has a hard time showing them. I ask him sometimes why he never mentions our future together anymore and he doesn’t say much about it. He just says that he wants to marry me and that he loves me more than anything. But that is all he says. I am wondering if because I like this other person when I didn’t have any idea I could have feelings for someone else, that I have lost some of my feelings for my current boyfriend.

Maybe not lost… maybe just see him in a different more realistic light. He makes me laugh all the time and came to me at a time when I needed him. He made me believe in love again and gave me a reason to believe in myself again. I don’t want to turn my back on all of this. But, I like the way this other one is so open and wants to do things with me. Maybe I am just tired of being alone. My current boyfriend live 12 hours away and all we do is talk on the phone and I haven’t seen him since June of this year. That is 6 months! This new person, although I am having to get used to him because he is so different from the other one there is something about him that makes me feel like I really belong and I feel safe. My current boyfriend seems to hold things at a distance. Maybe I feel like he is holding me at a distance.

December 15, 2017 at 5:08 am #182321

maggie mac
Participant

Inky, that is exactly how I want to feel. I want to feel like I am being fought for! The fact he has let me languish out here for every Tom, Dick, and Harry to have to fight off their advances I think you are right!! I am upset that he hasn’t put more value on me. I even told him this the other night. I didn’t tell him I had lunch with him but I told him that there was someone interested in me that wants to date me and says he cares about me. Do you know he didn’t say anything? I know he can’t because he hasn’t proposed or made a commitment. He is having financial problems and I know he feels like he has nothing to offer but if he would just say something like… ” I know you have been waiting a long time and I want to be with you. I can’t get you much but I want to know you are mine and I would like to get you a ring of some sort.” But he seems to have the mindset that if it is meant to be that I will want to be with him and if I dated someone else then maybe I didn’t love him as much as I said I did. He has a hard time in all areas, not just commitment with me but he just sort of goes through his daily routine and takes it as it comes. He is very motivated in fitness, health, and other things but when it comes to me… I don’t feel it. But I do know he loves me but is love enough? Don’t I have to be loved in a way that makes me happy?

December 15, 2017 at 5:12 am #182325

maggie mac
Participant

Inky this is a continuation of another post to you so don’t miss the other one but, now even if he asked me to marry him I am not sure anymore! Before I would have been the happiest girl on earth. Now, I know I might have to go through life with someone who isn’t equipped to show me the kind of love I want.

December 15, 2017 at 6:28 am #182335

Poppyxo
Participant

I’ve been in relationships like this before & I’m not saying your situation is the same as mine, but I will ask one question… Why should you settle? Why should you stay with someone who isn’t meeting your needs?

But I would also like to put to you this… In the beginning, what we call Honeymoon Period, things do seem a lot better, so the attention you’re getting from this other guy could be just spare of the moment, someones paying you attention etc, doesn’t necessarily mean that, for example, if you left your partner & got with this other guy things would run smoothly, because they may not. Sometimes it’s about being on our own & finding out what it is we need in ourselves as opposed to searching for it in others.

December 15, 2017 at 9:01 am #182385

Anonymous
Guest

Dear magie mac:

I think that this is what happened: you need to feel like you really belong and feel safe (“there is something about him that makes me feel like I really belong and I feel safe”). You need a man to pay loving attention to you, to want you in his life, to be there, physically, in your life. You want a man with whom you can laugh and feel good. You need and want all these things. For over three years you had some of these things satisfied by one man, the one who lives far away. For over three years that man is all you had, so you made do with what you had.

Partly satisfied, waiting and waiting, you went on for over three years. You waited and got tired, angry at him for not moving faster, but you ignored that anger best you could and kept waiting… because he was the only option you perceived.

Then you had lunch with the other man and you perceived another option.

And now, you feel more comfortable acknowledging the anger you have had for the other guy for not giving you more of what you need. And you felt so good with this guy who lives closer to you, that you perceive having more than you did with the other guy.

So, your feelings are now invested in the new guy, and removed from the first guy.

This change of feelings may last for as long as you perceive the new guy as an option and the more this option is actualized. If he no longer is an option, you may get your feelings back for the other guy because, again, he will be the only option, or at least, perceived as the only option.

anita
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