Thanks Anita! My mother is one of those toxic relationships. I want a relationship with her but she will not acknowledge her negligence concerning me and my sisters as children. Our step-Father was sexually abusive to us and she didn’t believe us or do anything about it. I have “forgiven” her complacency but I can’t pretend it didn’t happen just so we can have a relationship. I don’t call as often as I used too. I’m trying to keep contact to a minimum.

Trigger alert: The info below is very disturbing.

My step-dad died about three months after my oldest sister was murdered by a jealous boyfriend. I think he died of grief because he and her had sexual relations well into her adulthood. She was abused at a young age and turned to a life of drugs etc. He gave her money in exchange for sex. I have anger towards him for what he did to her, myself and my other sister.

Anyway! To answer your question, he is dead. My mother stayed with him until his death. I felt betrayed by her decision to stay with him for about 25 years. She pretends to believe me in person but she tells my sister in law that she doesn’t believe me. My sister in law told me what she said. Anyway. That was a slap in the face.

I try to understand her because she was abused by her alcoholic father when she was a child. I found this out in 2005. Her mother didn’t believe her. I tried to make excuses for her by considering the fact that she left home early because of the abuse. Got married at 16 and never had a chance to develop as a person. When my sister and I told her about the abuse, I felt that she couldn’t handle the truth because at that time, she hadn’t acknowledged her own painful past.

When we are on the phone, she states that she was a good mother to her children and this is where the pretending happens. I don’t respond when she says that. I don’t have the nerves to tell her that she is lying to herself. I don’t have the guts to tell her anything anymore because she is so “fragile”. She was diagnosed with bipolar but she is in denial that she has it. That’s another problem for another day though. Thanks for listening.

To be honest, I’m not sure. She’s the only living parent I have (my biological father passed away in 2015). I never asked myself why I feel this need to have a relationship with her. My surviving sister doesn’t talk to my mom at all. I guess I feel sorry for my mom. Not sure how that correlated to my healing but I know I need to tell my story to truly heal. I used to not want to embarrass her but now I realize that I have to live my truth regardless of who it makes uncomfortable.

Thank you for your advice! It’s a process and there are no short-cuts.