Dear anita

her mistakes are okay with you because you like her.  You  know/ believe that it is possible to like her regardless of her mistakes. But your mistakes are not okay with you because you don’t like you. You believe that it is not possible to like you: “if she really genuinely want me, It’ll be very hard to believe for me. Like is it really possible for someone like me?”

Because you don’t like you, any one of your mistakes seems big and dangerous, as if the mistake will cause the girl to see ‘the truth’… which is that it is impossible to like you. By trying hard to make no mistakes, you are hoping that she will not find out ‘the truth’. No wonder you are so anxious… fearing that any moment, any day, she will find out and leave you.

= Yes you are absolutely correct…. I fear that she might leave me any moment, especially if i do some mistakes…. That’s why i try very hard to be as perfect as possible….

I also fear of losing her because it’s not easy to find a girl of my type… especially in a small city that i live in….

I even fear that she might get bored of this city because there isnt much place to go… and eventually work on another city which results in leaving me…. To overcome i listed about 80 spots that i can go out with her, i hope it wont ran out fast….

I hope more than you avoiding a future heartbreak. I hope that your present, long-term, every day heartbreak of disliking yourself can be fixed: life would be way less painful for you when you finally like yourself.

= does this mean i dislike myself? Isnt it more about insecurity?

Tbh i really want to confess my feelings to her…. do u think it’s too soon? We just get close for about 2 months….

But i still need to be ready if i wanna confess, i need to be brave in dealing with her family and she’ll need to accept my families, as well as all my weaknesses… Do u think if i keep postponing on confessing to her might give me a better chance? Or it changes nothing?

This thursday night, i’ll go out on a dinner with her again…. This is the 4th date, and again she’s really okay everytime i asked her out…. Maybe she didnt overthink as much as i do…..

Every time i texts her, i always check my phone every 5 minutes if she had replied me or not, but tbh this is exhausting….

Also i’m worried that when i go out on a date with her, i could suddenly meet one of my friends… i dont want to be talked about by them… especially when everything’s not official yet…. It could disrupt the relationship….

I mentioned your “present, long-term, every day heartbreak” in the 4th paragraph of this post. Disliking yourself and the anxiety involved in it, causes you heartbreak every single day. It is indeed a painful way to live. (So, the answer to your question is: no, a relationship does not have to be this painful).

it is not her fault that you feel hurt: she did not break your heart. It is your unfortunate belief that it is impossible to like you (and that any moment, any day, she will find this out) that is breaking your heart.

= Tbh few days ago i spend 3 nights outside my city for an event with my friends…. But tbh i dont enjoy the event, because i replied that girl’s texts late… and resulting in her replying late too….
Ever since i get close with this girl, i never found my city to be boring again… i even feel more comfortable in this city than going on a holiday with my friends (like that event)…. I felt like going home when i arrived on that city….

I used to dislike my city (you must’ve noticed this) because it’s small and has very little place to visit…. But since i know that girl, everything changed… i love everything about this city….

Also i just bought 2 tickets of a stand up comedy show which jokes about love (roasting about love stories) which is held on february 2023….

I buy just in case i wanna go to this event with that girl, but it’s still 3 months to go…. Idk if i’ve confessed to her or not before that event, im so confused….

Also it should be okay right? The theme of the show is about roasting love lives…. I hope she doesnt find negatives on that show which could results in her leaving me…..

I answered this exact answer 2-3 days earlier, see? But you don’t believe my answer. I am not surprised that you don’t. I think that if the girl you dated 3 times, if she told you that she likes you, you wouldn’t believe her either. Maybe for a short moment, you’d think: maybe she likes me..? But a moment later, you will be back to… it is impossible for someone to like me.

= it’s because she’s really my type…. In my mind she has surpassed my former crush that i keep crushing on for 5 years….. this is why it feels to good to be true….

At first im only interested in her, but the more i texts and meet her…. I really like her…. But suddenly it feels like i dont wanna lose her…. I dont even wanna share to anyone on social media (if possibly she became my girlfriend) because my acquaintance/friends might look at her, when at first they dont know her existence before i exposed her on social media and they could be attracted to her…. I wanna avoid this…

I wanna plan everything neatly and correctly to avoid mistakes….

The belief that it is impossible to like you is a deep, core belief that has existed in you unchanged for way longer than a decade, so it is very difficult to change it. You’ve made progress in your thinking and behaving and I congratulated you for it.

= yes i feel like i’ve made a lot of progress this year… like i see the world and everything in a different perspective than last year…. I just hope there will be more positives for me in the future….

Please check out the following: wikihow. com/ how to stop hating yourself. It is organized nicely into 3 parts, it is reader-friendly and it include photos.

= i’ll try checking it out…

Also another thing, (i apologize if i’ve been asking a lot)

Why do i feel like our my life is always filled with broken relationships with most people…..

Like my family isnt on good terms with my dad’s siblings…. And also my dad isnt on good terms with his former business partner which resulting in our whole family dont wanna interact anymore with that guy’s family….

And recently our family isnt on good terms with our neighbour (they live next to our house) due to business issues with our company…. We both live in a housing complex that my dad’s company develop on… because we’re not on good terms… that neighbour sold their house and move to other place…. And my dad dont want to deal any more business relations with them….
I used to be a friendly acquaintance with most people in that neighbour’s house, especially the son…. But now we dont talk anymore…. And i also hate their family due to this issue…..

Why is my life filled with these kind of broken relationship issues? Is it normal? Because i feel like im getting more and more enemies….. It’s so stressful….

I just hope that the neighbour’s son wont badmouth our family to most people, because if the girl im getting close to now hear that…. She could leave me because of this “enemy” issues, and i dont want that….

Dear anita,

So these past few days i’ve went on my 4th and 5th date with her, and in two days we’re planning on having our 6th date….

In the 4th date we went on a short dinner on weekdays…. And as usual we have our casual conversations… then we talk inside my car… we talk a lot there, like for 30 minutes… there i notice that we talk more deeply more than we talk at restaurants or cafes…. Our eyes look straight at each other…. I didnt event realize, that i talk more slowly there… maybe its because the place was a bit dark and we stare at each other…. This is a first time experience for me…..

In the 5th date, we went to have desserts at the evening and then at night we went on a dinner… where i did a mistake in choosing the place… i thought the place was cozy and comfy… but when we went there… there’s lots of people smoking there and i asked her if she felt uncomfortable and i apologized for picking the wrong place…. She said its fine because i have no idea as both of us never went there…. I keep asking her (i overthink that she might be disappointed in me for choosing that place) if she’s really okay? And she laugh and said she’s fine, as she’s not that picky….
I also feel ashamed because i ordered a spicy food, and i sweat a lot because i cant take it…. I try my best to hide my weakness… and i told her its fine if she wants to laugh at me… and she did laugh but she told me its okay and she wipe my sweat herself… when i didnt asked her to
Before we went home, we talk a lot again in the car… this time is 2 hours long…. And just like the previous one, we talk deep again… and my intonation became more slower and soft (idk why, the mood creates my intonation like this)…. I even felt like confessing, but i told myself to not do that another time… a more perfect time with a better planning…. I almost thought we both are gonna have our first kiss there…. I just cant believe myself that i really think of that….

She also told me that she never had a relationship before because she wasnt ready, and that there were 2 boys who chase her previously…. And i asked her “so you’re still not ready now?” But then she said to me she’s more ready now….

Then she asked for both of us to take a picture in the car and we did….. And in that pic i look very bad… but she told me to send her the pic… idk why she want that pic, i really look bad there….

When i went back home, i recap if i made any mistakes… and yes i did, as i brought her to a wrong restaurant and i bad mouth those people who smoke there…. I hope she wont label me as a judgmental person….

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Do you know why I suggested that you check this out… and did you check it out?

=  Yes i know, and i did check it out…. So basically i need to stop hating myself to stop all those worries right?
But then i felt like if i dont worry at all, then i wont try to improve this relationship at all?

All that you focus on is what you worry about at the moment, seeking quick relief from your worries, wanting those itches to be scratched.

= Yes because it’s already like a habit of mine, i feel weird if there’s nothing to worry about… and i’ll have expectations that everything will turn out positive if i dont worry at all… and those expectations always disappoint me….

As usual, you can just ignore it if you feel it’s another obsession of mine….

yes, I did notice that you didn’t like your city before, and I am glad that you love everything about your city now that you are excited about this girl… but did you notice that you did not at all respond to the content of quotes you were supposedly responding to?

= The reason that i felt its too good to be true is not only because i dont like myself, but its because this type of girls usually attend uni outside my city, but she attend uni in my city because at that time the classes are still online due to covid and she didnt think too much so she decided to have uni in our city… and now the classes are already offline…. So she attend uni offline class in our city…

Like imagine if at that time there’s no covid and there’s no such thing as online class…. She wont attend uni in my city…. And i wont get to know her…. As i have a hard time finding a girl in my city who’s my type….. this is why it felt too good to be true…. Basically every time i meet her, it really feels unreal…. I just hope that she wont felt bored of our city and decided to leave for another city….

Please think about it, Eric and answer my question: do you like yourself?

= tbh till right now, i still dont…. I dont think i can like myself… but i can try to distract myself to not think about it…. That ‘s why i always did everything to make myself happy, fulfill my expectations… so i wont feel sad and start hating myself…. But still, it’s hard to not feel worried in this relationship stuffs…..

Tbh when i think about it, i guess you are right… i’ve been worrying a lot my whole life, especially regarding something that hasnt happen yet…. I keep labelling that as a defense mechanism for myself…to prevent myself from getting hurt….

But isnt worrying, part of human life’s?

Dear anita,

excellent. You were more relaxed in the car probably because it was just the two of you (no other people around), and it was dark (no lights, like in a restaurant). For future heart-to-heart conversations, have them in the car, in relative darkness vs in a public place.

= Yes i’m planning to have more conversations in the car on my next meeting with her…. Maybe it can brought up some more deep talk between us….

it would be difficult for her to find a young man (in another city or elsewhere) who will be even close to being as considerate of her and caring for her as you are.

= really? But i’m just a young man with no experience in dating…. This is my first experience on dating, i still feel that i lack lots of things on relationship stuffs….

Till right now, i still feel anxious that she might leave our city….Because she attends her uni now in our city is due to lockdown at that time…. I keep imagining what if there’s no lockdown, what if there’s no covid?….. i wont meet her….. she’ll attend uni elsewhere….. i still cant believe it, i feel so grateful…..

And also Because my previous crush left me because she want to start a career on a different country…. Also i bet most people in our city felt bored of our city…. I try my best so that this girl wont feel bored on our city… i listed lots of cafes/restaurants for us to go…. I list it more carefully so that there wont be any more “smokers” that could make her uncomfortable…

And i also used to hate this city of mine….. but then everything changes, i love my city…. Even for its boredom…. I hope she also loves this city and wont think of leaving it…. I’d do anything to make her happy….

As you’ve followed my journey throughout the years to find a “girlfriend”… i never thought that i’d meet someone like her…. It feels like i found a gem… and tbh i cried yesterday because i feel really really grateful that i meet her….

that’s a worry- obsession I choose to ignore. I wish you can ignore it too!

= so worrying about this wont improve anything? Like maybe i can be more cautious, and look at her ex-crush standards… and aim to be above him?

I will close this reply with something I didn’t tell you for a while: I am proud of you, Eric, you are doing well!

= thank you anita, i also feel a bit proud of myself… but mostly i feel really really grateful….

I just hope that the more closer i’m with this girl, everything becomes more positive between us…. I hope i can connect well with her family, and also hoping that she’ll accept my family….

Another thing…….

Do u think its weird if i feel strange that she didnt comment on how bad my face looks in that pic? Like even a rational person can comment on that pic that i’m not good looking in every pic….

Do a person with this kind of face deserve to be loved? Especially with the face that he really adores….. Like isnt it unequal?

I know that previously you’ve said that i deserved to feel loved, and you wish you could convince me…. But it’s so hard to believe….

Like even my sister said that my face looks hideous, and i agree with her… i dont like the look of my face in the mirror, as it’s so scary… i dont even know how to describe it….. i believe this isnt an obsession but rather a concrete prove…..