Dear anita,

yesterday I went back to the river and sat on the stone to write. It felt very relaxing to hear the sounds of the stream and write my thoughts down.

I think I feel more calm being at the countryside. At the other hand, I also draw inspiration from the city.

My mother broke her leg while trying to step over a windbreak at the beach. She must have stumbled somehow. Her foot was twisted in almost a 45° degree angle. Luckily my aunt was also there and she knew what to do. We called the emergency number 112 and my mother was brought to the hospital. Her foot was operated there. It will take some time to heal.

About the men: there were some who only asked me for directions and I am always happy to help out, if I can. Others had made comments about my clothing or appearence and I did not say much to them at all.

Then there were also two who wanted to talk to me. One I met when I was out on a morning walk. I had woken up too early about 4:45 or so and decided to go outside for a walk by the river. As it started to lightly rain I sat down at a bench under some trees. I was just looking at the water, concerned with my own thoughts. But I was feeling calm and even good.

The man said to me “good morning” and I said “morning” back, but I didn’t take much notice of him, I was just in my own head. I did not think about him, just answered to be polite and continued to look at the water. He was standing closely for a few minutes, I thought he did some exercises or something and didn’t take much notice of him.

Then he came to me and said “Can I sit down?” I replied: “There are more benches right there…” (I know I am a weirdo, haha) So he said: “Ah, so you are taken.” And I told him that I just wanted to go for a walk by myself and was not interested in a conversation. He continued to try to initiate the conversation and asked if I am studying here and that he only wanted to talk. But I continued to say that I wanted to be by myself. At the and he asked “And you also don’t like to go running?” And said “What a pity” and left.

Maybe I should have given him a chance, I don’t know. I was just not expecting to be approached and I was completely lost in my own thoughts. Also, I hadn’t even combed my hair or taken a shower yet, kind of weird that he was so persistent. But maybe he was just lonely. I think he said something about just moving here, I don’t remember. I hope I was not too mean to him.

If someone tries to talk to me out on the street I am very apprehensive. My first reaction is just: please leave me alone, I want to be by myself. I feel unshure about where this will go and I am not good at meeting new people. It is easier when somebody just asked for directions, because then everything is more clear: what they want from me and that they will not want to get to know me any better.

There was also an old men who tried to talk to me. He said, commenting on the path where I was walking: “this path is much nicer, a softer underground”. I just politely smiled and said yes, it is a nice path, but I walked away quickly. He asked if I am coming from work and things like that. I politely answered but also quickly walked away.

Maybe it could be nice to talk to a person from the neighbourhood, to just have a nice conversation, get to know another outlook on life. But I am not trusting people easily. It has happened to me that I was sitting on a bench reading and then an old man came by and asked if he can sit down, his legs are really hurting. I thought “poor old man” and let him sit. Then he said some things (I did not fully understand, because it was in Spain and at that time I wasn’t so good at speaking spanish), but he also touched my leg. I put away his hand and he did it again. Then someone came by and said to him “You found a new friend, huh” and they were laughing. I felt humiliated and went away, but I couldn’t go too far, because I had to pick someone up.

Things like that have happened. Another man who touched my leg, after I had talked to him. Someone who just grabbed my butt when I was walking by at night. Men saying suggestive things. Meeting and engaging with people on the street doesn’t seem to be a good idea.

Those two men I met didn’t seem bad in any way. The young man was even good looking, maybe a bit too persistent though. I just don’t know. My calmness was gone after meeting the young man. My singleness became very clear to me again, which I hadn’t thought so much before.

But now, being at the countryside and spending more time in nature, I feel calmer again. In any case, I want to keep my mental stability and men seem like a threat to it.

Dear anita,

yes it was weird that she broke her leg over such a simple thing. You know, it was all very crazy! The rescue service even sent a helicopter for her. Maybe because it was at the beach surrounded by a national park and forest.

But seeing how adventurous my mother is, it was strange that it happened in this way. Two days before we had gone on a path that was not looked after, with ferns bigger than any of us growing all over the place. It was like in a jungle! You could have used a machete to get through…

Or sometimes she climbs on trees or such things, even though she is over sixty. I have to say that I like my mother and we got along better recently. She seems to be much happier after she had therapy.

I hope that your foot is fully healed again by now. But it seems so, as you are able to go for your walks again.

It was all o.K. at my parents home. I cooked for them and cleaned a bit and I also had some time to spend in nature. My father was so nice to repair my Laptop (even though I will have to get a new one sooner than later, as this one is over 12 years or 14? old) and I am thankful of that. At the other hand I sometimes got easily stressed or annoyed by him. Because he just starts to talk to me when I was busy with my own thoughts or something else and about a topic I have no clue of. I kind of feel sorry for him as he seems to be a lonely person. He can be nice, but also difficult and very stubborn and not very open to new ideas.

Now I am back and I want to focus on solving my own life problems again. Mainly my studies and work. I have to get back on track.

When it comes to the men, these experiences with men harassing me mostly happened long ago, even before the man from the dormitory. Still, I like to be careful. Never again do I want to experience such hurtful relationships with men again. Sometimes I still think about it and get sad and upset. Recently, I also get angry when thinking about the man from the dormitory. The worst thing is that he thought he treated me so well and I took on the blame for everything. He was so insensitive and brash!He overstepped my boundaries again and again and I was blaming myself!

At least now, with the man from the bench/morning walk situation, I did not feel guilty for saying no to him, like I would in the past. I can say no whenever I want an to whomever I want without having to apologize.

Recently, I am becoming also more interested in feminist topics. People should all be treated equally and with respect, no matter of their gender. Some of the lines from the man from the dormitory echo in my head and make me so angry! And how entitled he felt!

At some point though, I would like to find a partner. But it has to go very slowly and I do not want to rush myself ever again to please a man. Better to stay single than to be with a man who doesn’t respect you!!!

Dear anita,

thank you for your response. I am glad that you liked my reply to the other member (hopefully it also helped them a bit).

During the past year I learned a lot and understood some things better. My therapist helped me with understanding things a lot. This very black and white thinking, I also do it, even though I wanted to be a person with an open mind. My parents had kind of a black and white worldview.

So I thought, because I made mistakes, that it is prove that I am a bad or toxic person. And then I kind of gathered evidence against myself, asking myself: am I bad because of this? And it drove me completely crazy. I did not trust in myself. And if others (seemingly) gave me weird looks, it was further proof that I am bad or not trustworthy.

You are right, I am capable of being rational in my calm state. And it is good advice to wait when I am in a distressed state, until I become calm again.

I am still wondering, how did I get into this extreme place of distress for many months with the K/dormitory situation? I think the root of the problem was thinking that I had no value and because of that, trying to please others and overstepping my own boundaries so that I then felt uncomfortable. Gladly, I know myself better now. And next time I meet someone, I will do things at my own pace and set boundaries. I very much hope that I will be able to do that in real life!

However, I still feel sad about how things ended with K. He was not perfect, but I also played my part in it and surely I was not easy to deal with. I wish I could have handled it all more maturely. But I was going insane back then and maybe it was best to end contact, even if it was in a bad way. Only after getting away from this situation I was able to become calm again, become myself again. I hope that he is doing o.K.

About not getting into hurtful relationships again: the key to this is staying true to myself and being authentic. Not trying to please others! Having some boundaries and standards. I think I have become a bit better at it already. Now I think: if they don’t like me, they are simply not for me. Now I feel a little bit more relaxed about it. And I know exactly what I want in a relationship. The most important thing for me is to get to know someone slowly. With K and the man in the dormitory, I never fully understood who they were as a person. And that lead to a lot of confusion and pain. I was not able to evaluate the situation because of this.

Recently I have watched some youtube videos about setting boundaries and self respect by a youtuber called Breeny Lee.  Her speeches are very motivating and I agree with her on a lot of things. It has helped me.

And about respect: I have to respect myself first, which I didn’t in the past. but I think I am at a better path now.

Dear anita,

something very strange has happened. After talking with you and my therapist about K recently, he had contacted me about one week ago. Apparently he now lives at the same town again and wanted to meet me. He didn’t write much more, just that he wanted to meet me.

The message gave me mixed feelings and I was worried. But I was also happy to be able to clarify about how everything ended, as this had bothered me for a long time. So I wrote him a longer message, about how I was sorry how everything ended and apologized for my part of the problems. I asked him if that is why he wanted to meet me and what he wanted to talk about. Also, I asked him the reason for wnting to meet me.

He replied that he wanted to call me. We shortly, very shortly talked. He just said that he now lives in this town again and that I had said that he wanted a personal conversation in my message (I had not mentioned it, really). But I ended up agreeing to a meeting. When I asked if he wanted to meet for closure, he said “yeah, that too, but overall” But that was it for the phone call. He only asked me to text him back the next day to find a day for the meeting.

The next day, I only wrote a message to him that I will text him the following day, as I was feeling unsure about meeting him and wanted to discuss it all with my therapist. After talking to her, I was more sure about what I wanted. I decided I wanted to meet him for only one time, for closure. And I wrote this to him in a longer message, explaining that we are too different and have different expectations and we were never able to talk about it. But I also said that I am happy that he is doing well and that I wish the best for him. Then asked him, if he wanted to meet me one last time.

I don’t think he liked this message, as he wrote “o.K. for your message”, then asked if we wanted to meet the next day. There was no reference to my long message at all… I said we could meet and suggested a time and place. He only replied the next day, to say he was not feeling well and that we should postpone the meeting until one week later. I said it is no problem and wished him to get well soon. This was about one week ago and there has been no reply from him.

This short interaction with him was very interesting and helpful to me. For one, I am happy that I was able to apologize to him. Obviously, it was not important to him at all and he did not even say anything to it. But it made me feel relieved, as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Also, I am happy to know that he is well and has started a new education and that he lives here, were also his friends and family live. I am relieved about that as well.

Secondly, it was interesting to have this interaction with him while I am in a much more peaceful state of mind! And this has shown me why we don’t fit together. He never responds very much if at all to my long messages that state my true feelings. I have poured my heart out to him and what comes back? He doesn’t even tell me the reason why he wants to meet me. He doesn’t seem to be interested in an open and honest conversation at all. In the past, I worried that it was all my fault, because I was very tense around him and not very open. But definitely, it is not all my fault. How can you be open to someone who doesn’t want to be open themselves? I don’t think he is even interested in understanding me. While I was and am at least interested in understanding him, even though I did not know how to make it work and of course being difficult at times.

He has not changed much, I feel. Still doesn’t tell me much about what he thinks, being sick again  (o.K., maybe he was really not feeling well, but it is always his excuse) when we wanted to meet. Not replying for days. But this time I am not having any sleepless nights over it. He was the one who contacted me, so he has to deal with the possibility that he will get a response he will not like.

My friend and I talked about it on the phone and she said: “Someone has to tell you, Lily, K is just not that deep”. And I had to laugh, also because of the way she said it. Well, I guess not everyone worries from dust till dawn about their behaviour and the past. But a little self reflection can also be helpful.

Maybe my friend is right, there are signs that he is not so “deep”. Maybe this explains everything. We are very different and I don’t really understand him. But I am understanding better now, also why I was hurting so much when I was with him. An open and honest communication is very important to me! Without it, I will have endless self doubt and suffering. There were misunderstandings between us and we were not able to talk about it. Instead we both made assumptions about each other. Next time I want to do better, if I meet someone. I am feeling more confident now in staying true to myself. And I have a feeling now that I am o.K. And some people are just not for you…

Anita, maybe you don’t approve of me having replied to him or apologizing to him. But it made me see everything a little bit clearer. I guess I can sometimes be a little bit slow to understand. This interaction with him however was helpful to me. Sometimes I had still thought about him, that I wished he was by my side. Even if I knew that this was just a fantasy and that in reality I was just longing for a happy relationship (which was not what I had with him), it was hard for me to move on.

I wonder if he will ever reply to me again, but if he does I feel I am more able to establish my boundaries now. I don’t see him as perfect anymore, he also has his flaws. I still honestly wish him well.

In response to your message above: thank you for your kind words. I feel now I am more able to move on from K and some day I might even have a healthy relationship, as you said.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

thanks for your response! I had to laugh a bit at your turtle comparison.

Yeah, after this new communication with him it was more clear than ever that we don’t fit together. How he doesn’t respond, if I write long messages and all that. It was always like that, I was trying to explain myself, but no real response! It was so frustrating. Maybe you are right and he is unable to understand my messages… We are too different!

That is why when I meet someone new, I will take my time to get to know them. I have never seen him in his everyday life,so I was not able to evaluate him and understand him. Then,because I am wired that way, I always looked for the mistake inside myself. My extreme self doubts caused me to not see clearly!

But yes, I should better not try to get into a mental discourse with him. It is a waste of time! I only get responses like “o.K. for your message”. But my message was not completely wasted, as it was important for myself. I was not able to get over my guilty feelings for not handling everything properly (I guess I am always too hard on myself). And also, because I was not in a distressed state, I was able to see that his communication style absolutely does not work for me. No matter if he can’t or doesn’t want to communicate, it doesn’t work.

About wishing him by my side, it was probably because of my loneliness. I know it was only a fantasy. If he was really by my side, it would be a completely different story and he would drive me crazy… I guess you would suggest to keep him away from my side, right? I also did not plan to go back to him and definitely not on giving him my body. As for the meeting, I was mainly seeking closure for myself. And as I knew exactly that I did not want to go back to him, I thought it would be safe and I would be able to establish my boundaries better.I guess I wanted to be overly correct and proper, to feel better about myself.

But it would likely be a waste of time as there would not be a real conversation between us and we would have very different goals for the meeting. And I think I have seen enough of him now… The last communication brought more clarity, also made it more clear that not everything was my fault… (Yes, he is what he is. And I am who I am.). So maybe I should move on for good and maybe change my number.

Dear anita,

you are having too much fun with the turtle comparison, haha. But also, I do not feel completely comfortable with it. The bottom line is that we are very different. I never know what he thinks or wants. We are just no match.

But this short communication with him, I feel was successful. I stated very clearly what I wanted and I was at the same time kind. I was the person that I want to be. True to myself yet friendly. Unlike when I first met him, always trying to please him and feeling wrong all the time.

I feel I am now better able to look outward, look at what happened. I can see why it did not work, I can see that he is not responding to what I am telling him at all. Does he just not care? Who knows. What is important is, that I do not want that. Now I feel that even if I meet him, I will be able to stay true to myself. I have gained some confidence.